Chapter 9 Staying Close

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Chapter 9Staying Close

• Maintaining Relationships

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Activate your Brain

• What does it mean to maintain a relationship?
• Which of these statements is true?
• Relationships stay together unless something
  tears them apart.
• Relationships require effort or else they fall
  apart.
• What is the most important aspect of maintaining
  a romantic relationship?
• What is the most important aspect of maintaining
  a friendship?
• Why do approximately 50 of marriages in the US
  end in divorce?

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Defining Relational Maintenance

• Relational Maintenance Four common definitions
• keeping a relationship in existence
• keeping a relationship in a specified state or
  condition
• keeping a relationship in satisfactory condition
• keeping a relationship in repair (prevent and
  repair problems)
• Basically, keeping a relationship at a desired
  level (e.g., professional, or casual friend, or
  romantic)
• Maintenance can be strategic or routine (pp.
  212-213)

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Two Overarching Perspectives

• Centrifugal Perspective
• Relationships require
• maintenance or else
• they deteriorate
• Centripetal Perspective
• Established relationships
• are automatically maintained
• unless something tears them apart
• Box 9.3, p. 215

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Prosocial Maintenance Behaviors

• Stafford Canary (Married Dating Couples)
• Positivity
• Making interactions pleasant and enjoyable
• Openness
• Self-disclosure, sharing secrets, and routine
  talk
• Assurances
• Giving each other assurances about commitment
• Social Networking
• Spending time with each others social network
• Task Sharing
• Performing routine tasks and
• chores relationship together

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Additional Maintenance Behaviors

• Supportiveness
• Giving social support and encouragement
• Joint Activities
• Engaging in activities and spending time together
• Romance and Affection
• Revealing positive, caring feelings for each
  other
• Humor
• Using inside jokes and other forms of humor
• Constructive Conflict Management
• Promote problem-solving and harmony

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Antisocial Maintenance Behaviors

• From Box 9.2 (p. 210)
• Avoidance
• No flirting
• Talking about others (esp. a partner)
• Jealousy induction
• Spying
• Infidelity
• Allowing control
• Destructive conflict

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In sum--

• Prosocial Maintenance Behaviors..
• predict whether couples stay together or break
  up.
• are positively associated with relational
  satisfaction and commitment (especially
  positivity, assurances, social networking).
• Antisocial Maintenance Behaviors
• Manipulative and controlling
• Why would a partner ever use these behaviors?
• They decrease satisfaction and even sometimes
  lead to termination
• When used as maintenance they are attempts to
  control the partner (prevent breaking up), make
  partner see you as more desirable, to avoid
  conflict, or keep relationship at desired level
  of intimacy or closeness.

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Modality of Maintenance Behavior

• Modality channel of communication
• Face-to-face or mediated
• Some maintenance behaviors can be done in both
  modalities but others cannot (e.g., task sharing
  such as working on a paper together vs. doing
  dishes)
• Facebook users tend to send messages of assurance
  and positivity
• Close friends and romantic partners need more
  than just Facebook to maintain intimacy.

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Maintenance Behaviors in Online Relationships

• Wright (2004)openness and positivity most
  frequently used
• Types of relationships (Rabby, 2007)
• Virtual relationships
• Pinocchio relationship
• Cyber emigrant relationships
• Real world relationships
• Virtual-only group least maintenance behavior
  unless highly committed
• How do we end a relationship in a social
  networking site?

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Maintenance Behaviors in Romantic Relationships

• Openness, assurances, and positivity seem to be
  most common
• However, patterns change overtime
• As become more committed, may provide more
  assurances, share more tasks, and integrate
  social networks
• Dating, more mediated communication
• Openness and positivity may peak before full
  commitment (marriage)
• Once married, maintenance
• may be curvilinear

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Maintenance in Same-Sex Friendships

• Girls value communicationtalking (35 of 10-17
  year-old girls said giving up telephone most
  difficult).
• Boys value engaging in activitydoing (only 6.5
  said giving up telephone would be most difficult)
• The doing versus talking distinction extends
  to adult friendships of men and women.
• However, differences in mens womens
  friendships not that dramatic more similarity
  than difference.

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Challenges in Maintaining Cross-Sex Friendships

• Emotional Bond Challenge
• People are socialized to see members of the
  opposite sex as romantic partners
• Feelings of closeness can be
• confused with romance
• Sexual Challenge
• Sexual attraction
• One or both may desire a sexual
• relationship
• Public Presentation Challenge
• Having to explain the friendship
• Jealousy from romantic partners

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Maintenance in Cross-Sex Friendships with
Romantic Intent

• Strictly Platonic
• Less joint activity flirtation, but more talk
  about outside relationships
• Mutual Romance
• Most maintenance behavior
• Desires Romance (Partner doesnt want romance)
• High level of maintenance but least likely to
  talk about the relationship
• Rejects Romance (Partner wants romance)
• Less joint activity flirtation, but more talk
  about outside relationships

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Reasons for Keeping a Cross-Sex Friendship
Platonic

• safeguarding the relationship
• most common
• not attracted
• network disapproval
• third party relationship
• risk aversion
• time out

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Maintaining Friends with Benefits Relationship

• 48-68 of college students have had at least one
  friends-with-benefits relationship.
• Advantages sex with trusted other but no
  commitment
• Disadvantages fear of romantic feelings (or
  hurt)
• Maintaining FWB relationships includes rules to
  regulate
• emotional attachment
• no jealousy
• sexual activity
• communication
• secrecy
• permanence/sex temporary
• value of the friendship
• Women value friends, men value benefits

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Maintenance in Long-Distance Relationships

• Between 25 to 40 of college students romantic
  relationships are long-distance (2001).
• Despite less face-to-face communication, many
  LDRs are satisfying (and partners report strong
  love), in part because
• Idealization
• partners can control the communication
• partners often on their best behavior when
  together
• prepare for time together

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The Dialectical Perspective

• Relationships are dynamic rather than static
  entities.
• In healthy relationships people adapt to one
  anothers changing needs by managing dialectical
  tensions.

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Dialectical Tensions

• People experience dialectical tension when they
  want to fulfill seemingly contradictory needs
• Dialectical tensions have both internal and
  external manifestations
• Internal interaction within the relational dyad
• External how the couple interacts with people
  outside of the dyad

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Baxters Typology of Dialectical Tensions

• Integration- Stability- Expression-
• Separation Change Privacy

Internal
Connection- Autonomy
Predictability-Novelty
Openness- Closedness
External
Inclusion- Seclusion
Conventionality- Uniqueness
Revelation- Concealment
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Dialectic of Integration-Separation

• Connection-Autonomy Individuals want to be close
  to their partners, but they also want personal
  freedom
• Inclusion-Seclusion Couples want to spend time
  with their social network but they also want time
  alone

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Dialectic of Stability-Change

• Predictability-Novelty Individuals want routine
  and consistency in their relationships/partners,
  but also want spontaneity and novelty.
• Conventionality-Uniqueness Couples want to
  adhere to social norms to fit in with others, but
  they also want to see themselves as special and
  unique.

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Dialectic of Expression-Privacy

• Openness-Closedness Individuals want to feel
  free to self-disclose but also to keep some
  secrets.
• Revelation-Concealment Couples want to talk
  about their relationships with their social
  networks, but they also want to keep some aspects
  of their relationships private.

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Managing Dialectical Tensions

• Selection Deciding to value one side of the
  dialectic more than the other
• Separation Favoring different sides of the
  dialectic at different times
• Cyclic Alternation cycling back and forth
  between the two sides
• Topical Segmentation emphasizing different sides
  of the dialectic based on topic or context

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Managing Dialectical Tensions, cont.

• Neutralization avoiding full engagement of
  either side of the dialectic
• Moderation striving to reach a midpoint
• Disqualification striving to be ambiguous so
  neither side of the dialectic is engaged
• Reframing adjusting perceptions so that the
  dialectics are viewed as complementary rather
  than contradictory
• Probably the best strategy overall

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Rawlins Dialectical Tensions in Friendships

• independent-dependent
• expressive-protection
• judgment-acceptance
• affection-instrumentality
• public-private
• ideal-real