Teaching Restitution in the Home: A guide to Building a Childs Responsibility

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Teaching Restitution in the Home A guide to
Building a Childs Responsibility

• Dan M. Aune, LCSW
• 115 PM
• April 25, 2009
• MHA MT Annual Conference

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Session Agenda

• Restitution A way back to learning and
  understanding through self-respect
• Understanding Human Behavior A Choice Theory
  Perspective
• What do you Want? A parent guide to building self
  and other respect.

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Restitution A way back to learning and
understanding through self-respect
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Restitution vs. Retribution Definitive
Differences

• Restitution
• Process for redirection of child
• Teaching and learning process
• Promotes self-evaluation
• Builds on strengths
• Builds on self-discipline

• Retribution
• Actions diminish the childs self-worth
• Coercision is the main action to gain control
• Shame-based model
• Promotes external control

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What is holding us back from Brain-Based
discipline? Myths to bust!

• We arent sure that children are capable of
  helping each other without being told to do so.
• Its hard to give up rewards once one has started
  using them to gain compliance.
• Children tend to say what we want to hear when we
  dialogue with them about beliefs.
• The process takes time and we dont want to take
  time away from others in the family.
• Parents feel responsible for childrens learning
  and behavior.

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Why Restitution?

• Restitution requires self-evaluation at
• the highest level.

• Monitor of Consequences
• Whats the rule?
• Whats the consequence?
• What did you do?
• What happens now?
• Manager of Restitution
• 1. What do we believe?
• 2. Do you believe it?
• 3. If you believe it do you
  want to fix it?
• 4. If you fix it what does it
  say about you?

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Understanding Human Behavior A Choice Theory
Perspective

• Why we do the things we do?

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Answer the age old question Why did the
chicken cross the road?

• S-R Psychology
• Pavlovs dog
• Stop light
• do it or Ill hurt you

• C-T Psychology
• All humans are internally motivated
• All we can do is behave
• All behavior is purposeful

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Choice Theory Psychology

• Basic Needs
• Quality World
• Total Behavior
• Real World
• Sensory Filter
• Values Filter

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Basic Psychological Needs

• Survival
• Love Belonging
• Power
• Freedom
• Fun

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Basic Psychological Needs

• Survival
• Roof over our heads
• Nutrition
• Health
• Clothing
• Safety

• Love Belonging
• Give and receive love
• Being a part of a family, group, or community
• Sense of well-being about home

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Basic Psychological Needs

• Power
• Self Worth
• Status
• Accomplishment
• Self Competitive
• Recognition
• Self Honesty
• Positive Self Talk

• Freedom
• Ability to move about
• Sense of having choice
• Self Other Respect
• Able to forgive
• Anonymous Good Deeds

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Basic Psychological Needs

• Fun
• Able to Laugh
• Makes Learning a Key Part of Their Life
• Puts Play in Their Daily Routine
• Includes Novel Experiences Routinely
• Exposes Self to New Experiences

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Basic Needs Evaluation
100 75 50 25 0
Survival Belonging
Power Freedom Fun
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Basic Needs Evaluation Disruptive Adolescent
100 75 50 25 0
Survival Belonging
Power Freedom Fun
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Basic Needs Evaluation Lonely Child
100 75 50 25 0
Survival Belonging
Power Freedom Fun
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Basic Needs Evaluation Half My Life Ago
100 75 50 25 0
Survival Belonging
Power Freedom Fun
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Basic Needs Evaluation - Today
100 75 50 25 0
Survival Belonging
Power Freedom Fun
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Fantasy Want Game
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Fantasy Want Game Needs are connected to Wants
Fantasy Want I wish I
Survival
Love
Power
Freedom
Fun
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Control Theory Chart
TOTAL BEHAVIOR Acting, Thinking, Feeling
Physiology
PERCEPTUAL ERROR
R E A L W O R L D
BASIC NEEDS SURVIVAL BELONGING POWER FREEDOM FUN
V A L U E S F I L T E R
S E N S O R Y F I L T E R
IDEAL WORLD
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Quality World

• All that is need satisfying to you
• Quality is defined as unique to each of us
• Belief system development

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Total Behavior

• Acting
• Thinking
• Feeling
• Physiology

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A Very Bad Day!
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Ten Axioms of Choice Theory Psychology

• The only person whose behavior we can control is
  our own
• All we can give another person is information
• All long-lasting psychological problems are
  relationship problems
• The problem relationship is always part of our
  present life
• What happened in the past has everything to do
  with what we are today, but we can only satisfy
  our basic needs right now and plan to continue
  satisfying them in the future

• We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the
  pictures in our Quality World
• All we do is behave
• All behavior is Total Behavior and is made up of
  four components acting, thinking, feeling and
  physiology
• All Total Behavior is chosen, but we only have
  direct control over the acting and thinking
  components. We can only control our feeling and
  physiology indirectly through how we choose to
  act and think
• All Total Behavior is designated by verbs and
  named by the part that is the most recognizable

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Relationships and Our Habits

• Seven Caring Habits
• Supporting
• Encouraging
• Listening
• Accepting
• Trusting
• Respecting
• Negotiating differences

• Seven Deadly Habits
• Criticizing
• Blaming
• Complaining
• Nagging
• Threatening
• Punishing
• Bribing or rewarding to control

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What do you Want? A parent guide to building
self and other RESPECT.
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What do I want from my child?

• Do I want to be responsible for my childs
  behavior or do I want my child to be responsible
  for her/his own behavior?
• Do I think it is my job to make them learn or do
  I think I am responsible for providing them with
  a safe, information rich environment so they can
  learn for themselves?

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The Least Coercive Road

• Restitution Self-Discipline Definition
• 1........... To create conditions
• 2........... To fix the mistake, and
• 3........... To return to the family strengthened

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The Least Coercive Road

• Four Part Process of Self-Discipline
• Restitution
• Part One Open Up The Territory
• Part Two The Social Contract
• Part Three Limits
• Part Four Restitution

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Part One Open Up The Territory

• Base on the basic
• need of Freedom
• Has to do with giving choices which gains you,
  the parent, freedom from responsibility while
  at the same time providing the child freedom to
  do the task in their own way.

• Two Tools
• Does it really matter?
• - My family beliefs
• - Belief about learning
• - Does it promote
• loving behavior
• Yes, If
• - if you cant say Yes,
• say Yes, if you can
• show, do, work,
• come up with

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Part Two The Social Contract

• Base on the basic
• need of Love
• Our basic nature is to be with people and to do
  so we need to make social agreements by first
  thinking of the kind of person we want to be and
  establishing family beliefs.

• Two Tools
• Person I want to be
• - Reflect
• - Draw or write about
• that person
• - Create self portrait
• Family Beliefs
• - Share self portrait with family
• - Family to portrait

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Part Three Limits

• Base on the basic
• need of Power
• Each of us wants to feel competent and we also
  want to know there is some predictability or
  control in our life

• Two Tools
• My Job Your Job
• - Parent and the child
• collectively define
• their jobs
• Rules Bottom Line
• - Preserve the social
• contract
• - Family defines the
• bottom line and the
• consequence (/-)

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Part Four Restitution

• Based on the need
• for Creativity/Fun
• Children and families
• who learn Restitution
• continue to do it
• because it is a
• pleasurable
• experience inventing
• win-win solutions.

• Two Tools
• Self-Restitution
• - a multi-process task that involves fixing
  (restoring) the self to the person one wants to
  be
• - Pick up the pieces of the problem to work on
  it
• - Verbalize what you will do next time (the
  learning)

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Part Four Restitution (Continued)

• Based on the need
• for Creativity/Fun
• Children and families
• who learn Restitution
• continue to do it
• because it is a
• pleasurable
• experience inventing
• win-win solutions.

• Self-Restitution
• - I dont like how I am
• talking to you.
• - My part of the
• problem is
• a. I had information
• you do not have.
• b. I was tired and
• trying to go too
• fast.
• c. I was not clear on
• what I wanted.
• d. My picture was
• different from
• yours
• - Next time I will

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Part Four Restitution (Continued)

• Based on the need
• for Creativity/Fun
• Children and families
• who learn Restitution
• continue to do it
• because it is a
• pleasurable
• experience inventing
• win-win solutions.

• The Restitution Triangle
• - First stabilize the
• child
• - Second, seek to
• understand the
• under-lying cause for
• the behavior
• - Third, validate the
• need
• - Figure out win-win

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RESTITUTION Best Practices using Choice Theory
Psychology

• Core of human problems is relationship based
• Build the Environment
• Know the core questions
• Understand a persons Quality World
• Understand client wants in the context of Basic
  Needs
• Reality Therapy practices are a tool to be used
  wisely in your practice in all things choose
  moderation