Getting Smart About Love, Matching

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Getting Smart About Love, Matching Marriage
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Love Needs to Be Learned

• Our ability to love requires a period of
  growth. Father

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Review True Love
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What Is True Love?
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Definition Qualities of True Love
Living for the sake of others

• 1. Unselfish
• 2. Unconditional
• 3. Serving and sacrificial
• 4. Unique

• 5. Constant and unchanging
• 6. Forgiving
• 7. Moral and principled

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Love Between Men and Women Is Often Not True

• Often it is selfish and distorted
• Partners hurt each other, their families and God

• People believe many questionable ideas about
  love, sex and marriage

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Questionable Ideas about Love, Matching
Marriage

• 1. Theres No Reason to Involve My Parents in
  Finding Someone for Me
• 2. Dating Experiences Would Better Prepare Me for
  Marriage

• 3. Real Love Just Happens to You You Cant
  Really Learn to Love Someone

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Idea 1Theres No Reason to Involve My Parents
in Finding Someone for Me
Ramon
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Ramon

• Trying to learn to love someone my parents pick
  out is crazy. Arranged marriage is a weird Asian
  thing. My parents dont really understand me,
  anyway.
• I want to find someone myself and do it the
  normal way. Ill know what I want when I see her.
  If my parents approve, great, but thats not the
  main thing.
• Theres no reason to involve my parents in
  finding someone for me.

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Theres No Reason to Involve My Parents in
Finding Someone for Me?

• Related ideas
• Arranged marriages are backward and dont work
• I know what is best for me

• Discussion
• How might this make sense?
• In what ways does this idea not make sense?

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Good Matches Have Horizontal Vertical Aspects
Purpose
Marital Love
Friendship
Passion
Commitment
Adapted from Robert Sternbergs Triangle Theory
of Love
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Unarranged Marriages Begin with the Horizontal

• Friends Lovers
• 1. Friendship
• Shared interests
• 2. Passion
• Sexual attraction

Purpose
Marital Love
Friendship
Passion
Commitment
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Arranged Marriages Begin with the Vertical

• More important
• Basis for lasting respect
• Less changeable

• Partners in Purpose
• 1. Commitment
• Good character
• 2. Purpose
• Shared faith, values and goals

Purpose
Marital Love
Friendship
Passion
Commitment
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Its Hard to Find Both Sides of a Good Match by
Yourself

• Many people fail
• 1. Easy to lose objectivity and get distracted by
  the horizontal
• Appearances, sexual attraction, surface charms
• 2. Easy to get attached to the wrong person

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Consulting Parents Makes Sense

• Parents bring certain benefits
• Know you in ways you may not know yourself
• See the other person more objectively
• Understand what qualities lifelong marriage
  requires
• Have a personal interest in success and take the
  task seriously
• Bring Gods support

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You Are Still the One Making the Choice and
Decision

• The result is the sameyou own the decision to
  marry a particular person
• The only difference is in how you find partners
  to consider
• You can be highly involved in the screening
  process
• Discussing your views of marriage, potential
  partners and your preferences is enlightening for
  both sides

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10 Advantages of Arranged Marriage I

• 1. Freedom from pressure to shop for a mate
• 2. Freedom from dating hurts and sexual pressures
• 3. Can focus on our personal preparation

• 4. The relationship begins with fewer illusions
• 5. Marriages tend to be more stable and enduring
• 6. Love builds more naturally

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Love in Arranged Marriages Surpasses Unarranged
Ones
Unarranged Marriage
10 Years
Arranged Marriage
5 Years

• Love in arranged marriages tends to build over
  time
• Love in unarranged marriages tends to decline

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10 Advantages of Arranged Marriage II

• 7. Honors the two families involved
• 8. Better in-law relations from beginning

• 9. Helps prevent abusive relationships
• 10. Can trust in elders wisdom during
  difficulties later

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Idea 2Dating Experiences Would Better Prepare
Me for Marriage
Gregg
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Gregg

• My parents arranged Merlita for me. She seems
  like a good person. But I keep wondering about
  all the other girls out there.
• If I could date different girls, Id learn more
  about women and about myself. Id know more about
  what kind of girl I like and be more ready to
  make a commitment.
• Dating experiences would better prepare me for
  marriage.

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Dating Experiences Would Better Prepare Me for
Marriage?

• Related ideas
• More experience makes you grow as a person
• Its better to have lots of experiences before
  you settle down to marry
• Practice makes perfect

• Discussion
• How might this make sense?
• In what ways does this idea not make sense?

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Dating Sets Up Pressure for Emotional
Physical Involvement

• 1. Pairing up invites falling in love with each
  other
• You cannot control each others responses
• 2. Emotional involvements are distracting

• 3. Boy-Girl games are not helpful
• 4. The longer people date, the more certain they
  will get physical and lose their purity

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Romantic Involvements with No Future Cause
Damage

• 1. Easy to get hurt and then suspicious and
  guarded in later relationships
• I fall in love. I get hurt. Its no fun. Whats
  the point? Joshua Harris
• 2. Damages the whole-hearted bonding power of
  first love intended for our mate
• Fear of opening up the heart

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Past Experience Can Harm the Future Marriage

• Comparisons of your mate to past partners in
  artificially appealing dating situations
• Selfish shopping attitude towards the opposite
  sex based on externals and how they meet your
  needs
• Habit of ending relationships when unpleasant

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Practice Makes Perfect Applies to Spouse Only

• Brother and sister-type relationships and
  friendships are the best preparation for marriage
• You only need to learn how to make one partner
  happy
• Comfort and security of commitment is the best
  circumstance to learn how to love each other

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Idea 3Real Love Just Happens to You You Cant
Really Learn to Love Someone

• Alicia

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Alicia

• I get the idea of the matching and how youre
  supposed to learn to love each other But it
  seems so unromantic. And not much fun!
• I dont want to suffer like my parents and
  struggle to learn to just get along. I want to
  really be in love.
• Real love is something that comes over you and
  another person, and you cant control it. Its
  either there or it its not.
• Real love just happens to you you cant really
  learn to love someone.

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Real Love Is What Happens to You You Cant
Learn to Love Someone?

• Related Ideas
• With real love, you dont have to try
• Love is either there or it isnt
• You cant control whom you love
• Learning to love is too hard
• Falling in love means you found the right person

• Discussion
• How might this make sense?
• In what ways does this idea not make sense?

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Falling in Love Is Exciting Good

• Falling in love is exhilarating and beneficial
• Moves partners to do loving things for each other
• Motivates couples to marry and be unafraid of the
  future
• Provides happy experiences to remember later
• It can come suddenly or slowly

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Strong Couples Are Both Friends Lovers

Marital Love
Friendship
Passion

• 1. Couples may start with either one
• Some begin warm as friends, and passionate
  falling in love comes later
• Others start hot with passion, and gradually
  build their friendship
• 2. Matched couples usually start with friendship

John R. Williams
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Starting with Friendship Has Advantages

• Not starting crazy in love has benefits
• 1. Partners see and consider each other more
  clearly
• They know and accept each others strengths and
  weaknesses
• 2. Romance builds on a more solid foundation
• With more realistic expectations
• 3. Companionship counts more than passion in
  daily married life

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Learning to Love Does Not Mean Struggling as in
Earlier Blessings

• Especially with parents matching
• You are expected to develop some friendship first
• You should believe you can create passion too
  before you commit to engagement
• Some couples fall madly in love quite soon

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Love Can Either Be a Feeling or Decision

• Feeling of love or decision to lovewhich?
• 1. I love pizza.
• 2. Show love to your little brother even though
  youre mad at him.
• 3. I think I love her.
• 4. Love your enemies.
• 5. I loved him as soon as I saw him.

John R. Williams
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All Lasting Relationships Require Sometimes
Deciding to Love

• With family and friendships
• You have feelings of love
• But also need to learn how to give love when you
  dont feel like it

• In marriage
• The honeymoon period cant last forever
• You have to learn to strengthen friendship and
  rebuild passion
• When it no longer comes easily

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All Couples Must Decide to Learn to Love I
Passion Romance
It usually starts out strong with passion and
romantic feelings
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All Couples Must Decide to Learn to Love I
Passion Romance

• Initial in love feelings naturally fade, and
  the partners many real differences come out
• Tensions build

Conflict
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All Couples Must Decide to Learn to Love II
Passion Romance

• Some partners give up
• Escape the marriage
• Or live together with no expectations of
  closeness

Conflict

• Escape
• Co-Exist

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All Couples Must Decide to Learn to Love III
Passion Romance
Passionate Friendship
Conflict
All successful couples decide to learn how to
create true love with each other
Commitment to Learn to Love
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Falling in Love Is Not Completely Outside Our
Control

• 1. Love as a feeling and attraction cannot be
  completely controlled
• 2. But we can choose attitudes and actions that
  either invite or discourage feelings of love
• To invite warm feelings with those we want
• To discourage such feelings towards those we do
  not
• This is an essential skill in marriage

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Under What Conditions Might You Start Falling in
Love with Someone?

• It is somewhat mysterious but it also somewhat
  predictable

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Factors Involved withHow We Fall in Love I

• 1. They get your attentionattract or annoy
• 2. They are kind, caring
• 3. They seem trustworthy and safe
• 4. They meet your other emotional needs,
  especially unconscious ones
• 5. Sharing interests, fun and positive
  experiences
• 6. Going through hardships together

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Factors Involved withHow We Fall in Love II

• 7. Being around each other, sharing same history
• 8. Sharing personal concerns, being listened to
  and empathized with
• 9. Through touch and physical affection
• 10. Achieving something together
• 11. Respecting, admiring them, and sharing
  important values in common

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Science Confirms We Can Learn to Love Our Mate

• Arranged marriages are being studied as
  successful alternative to the current failed
  model of dating and mating
• Research shows that certain attitudes and
  practices make for success in marriage

John R. Williams
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• John Williams, MMFT
• John.Coach1_at_gmail.com
• 973.666.2145

John R. Williams
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Note for Presentation

• (Can show Arranged Marriage Song music video
  from YouTube as warm up)
• Show Arranged Marriages Part 2 from YouTube.com
  at the end of topic 1
• Show Real Deal chapter 4 DVD at the end of
  topic 3

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