Module%205:%20Developing%20an%20enabling%20relationship

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Module 5 Developing an enabling relationship
Shirin Kiani and Annie Lafrenière (Technical
Resources Division) Handicap International

2012
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Overview

• What is an enabling relationship?
• Reasons to use an enabling relationship
• Barriers and bridges to enabling
• How to develop an enabling relationship with
• An individual,
• Families
• A group

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What is an enabling relationship?
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Who knows best?
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Who knows best ?

• Plan how the other person would spend 1 day in
  the capital city with 100 (local equivalent) to
  spend.
• Decide what you yourself would do with 100 in
  the capital, for 1 day.

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Comparing 2 kinds of relationships

• Authoritative (disabling)
• It is directive- me telling you what to do
• I know best
• Enabling
• It is non-directive - me helping you decide what
  you want to do
• you know best

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Result of enabling Self-determination

• When people are enabled by a social facilitator,
  they determine their own path
  SELF-DETERMINATION
• FOR INDIVIDUALS Build their capacities and
  decision- making power by developing their
  self-confidence, self-esteem, ability to start
  things and control over their own life.

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Reasons to use an enabling relationship

• Is it really beneficial?

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Reasons to enable

• For the person, you are enabling
• Gain more power, actively involved from the
  beginning --gt better results
• Experience being part of a healthy relationship,
  prerequisite to succeeding in other goals.
• They are choosing to achieve what they truly want
  and will not feel resentful towards you
• For you, as social facilitator
• Learn to share power (important for professional
  growth) and learn different ways people lead
  their lives

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Barriers to enabling

• Enabling is not easy, but it is possible.

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Barriers coming from the social facilitator

• Personal values conflict with work values
  Privately discriminates the person, believes the
  person is less than them (believes in charity
  versus rights to equality- Module 1).
• Is used to power imbalance thinks it is the
  normal way to work, there is no other way.
• Does not know how to enable Has difficulty
  inspiring/motivating someone to do for themselves
  relationship.

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Barriers from facilitator (contd)

• Projecting their desires, values and solutions on
  the person instead of listening to them.
• Wanting fast results feels it is too slow to
  enable someone, facilitator has less control over
  the results, wants to show their own
  competence/skills.
• Focusing on results not process/relationship
  using an authoritative/directive approach, make
  decisions for the person, to move the goals
  forward.
• Too involved emotionally facilitator unable to
  step back to enable the person, feels too
  sympathetic about the situation of the person.

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Barriers coming from the person

• Dependency is used to others making decisions
  for him/her, unable to. Conflict with their
  social role.
• Difficulty being honest about life situation and
  feelings, wants to show a good face.
• Difficult transition from no power in personal
  life, to having power when working with social
  facilitator - can be frightening, anxious,
  uncertain about what this means to their life.
• Discriminates towards social facilitator -
  thinks its persons job to make decisions/guide

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Success of enabling depends on the persons
readiness

• As a social facilitator, you need to assess if
  the person is ready to be enabled before you
  start your work.
• Ready means they are motivated to be active in
  working with you.
• Reluctant means they are not motivated to be
  active and want you to make decisions for them.

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Bridges to enabling

• How YOU can get ready
• to enable someone

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Bridges to enabling

• Understand what is going on in yourself What are
  you thinking and feeling when you work with
  people? Do you believe in enabling others?
• Accept your own ignorance You may assume you
  know how to treat people equally and give them
  power, but do you really? Have you done this
  before?
• Remember the person owns the problem and the
  solution. Though you may think you are there to
  solve the persons problem, that is not your role,
  it is to help them solve their problems in their
  own way.

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Bridges contd

• Accept each person as an individual and work with
  them as such
• Practice a non-judgmental attitude people feel,
  think, and behave differently.
• All decision-making rests with client, constantly
  remind both of you of this
• Focus on the person making slow, personal gains,
  instead of quick results made by your work

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Enabling relationships with children

• Good balance between guiding the child and giving
  them choices
• Use child-centered communication play, creative,
  non-verbal, expressive techniques. go at a
  childs pace, listen for direct and indirect
  communication,
• Listen with your FEELINGS AND
• YOUR EYES, not just your ears.

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Enabling children (contd)

• Sit at the childs level and keep eye contact.
• Ask them to tell you about their day and observe
  how they communicate. Paying attention encourages
  the child to communicate.

• Watch the childs reactions as children may not
  always express themselves verbally (e.g. head
  down and looking away when ashamed, jumping up
  and down when happy!)

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Enabling children (contd)

• Be non-judgmental, if the child feels
  disapproval, s/he will hide true feelings.
• Keep instructions short, simple and specific.

• Do NOT ignore or blame the child, this will
  impact them negatively.

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How to develop an enabling relationship with

• an individual
• families
• a group

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Enabling relationship with an individual

• 1st meeting
• How to be, What to do, What to say
• 3 angles of enabling

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1st meeting is important

• Focus on persons attitude/emotions for coming to
  see you.
• Ask open questions to see types of responses
  person gives.
• How do they see the world/their community?
• How do they see you? How see themselves?
• Explain how enabling relationship works as I
  see it, my role
• Ask them what they hope to get out of the
  relationship or time together.
• Observe behavior and thinking, in their response

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How to be

• Empathetic enter the persons world, understand
  what is going on emotionally for the person
• Non-directive you are looking to collect
  information to understand the person.
• Do not judge the person for how they are living
  their life, seek to understand only.

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How to be (contd)

• Do not take issues that are important to a person
  and make them small. Value the feelings of the
  person on different issues.
• Observe what the person is NOT saying
• Be more interested in how a person experiences a
  problem (thoughts, feelings, behavior), than what
  the persons problem is.
• Observe behavior/life patterns repeated many
  times.

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What to do

• Share personal experiences to inspire. Share only
  the necessary, do not take over conversation
• Lead person to their own conclusions, not to the
  answer you want, question openly not narrowly.
• Inform person of all available options/
  alternatives, with no value attached to any
  option. Give choices.
• Help THEM evaluate the outcome of each option,
  and them make their own choice.
• For more specific issues invite them to look at
  situations that are not working, more closely, to
  identify their OWN solutions.
• Acknowledge the persons emotions

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What to say

• Silently lead a person forward
• help them express, using
• Silence, with nodding or open body posture
• Acceptance I see, uh-huh, yes, please tell
  me more
• Paraphrasing You said that you feel like this
• Be a mirror
• Restate what you hear, reflect what person is
  feeling
• Do not give immediate answers to the person, help
  them come up with their own solutions.
• Use humor - with good timing and sensitivity.

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What not to do disabling relationship

• Give advice or tell person what to do
• Lecture someone you should have done this
• Asking too many questions person feels
  interviewed, but not heard.
• Asking Why? may leave person feeling
  inadequate.
• Saying The solution is easy

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3 angles of enabling

• From the front encouraging participation,
  prodding forward,
• giving choices and ideas
• Side by side working together to develop the
  plan, evaluating options together
• From behind monitoring and letting
• the person guide the process independently

Low self-determination
High self-determination
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Enabling relationshipwith families

• How families can be enabled,
• and enable the individual

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Tips for enabling family

• All members of the family should have a space, a
  meaningful role that contributes to the family.
• In the same way you enable a person, the family
  can be enabled to make family decisions on issues
  and make family plans.
• The familys decisions should not oppose the
  decisions of the individual and it is really
  important to make sure you stay neutral and allow
  a family to resolve a conflict themselves.

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Enabling relationshipwith a group
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Enabling a group

• Make sure that you are focused on helping the
  entire group get more self-reliant and not just
  on a few individuals.
• Make sure the group itself is united and moving
  in one direction together.
• Stay true to the goals and the direction of the
  group, and not just individuals.

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Link to practice

• Give participants 10 minutes to answer this
  question individually on a piece of paper, and
  then do a roundtable with each person sharing
  some of their answers
• Based on what you learned today, what stood out
  the most for you?
• What are your current barriers to having more
  enabling relationships in your work?
• What are 3 things youd like to work on to
  develop an enabling attitude?