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Marriage by the Book


Marriage by the Book Jim Sutherland, Ph.D. * Her Role--4 At marriage we grant exclusive sexual rights to each other (1 Cor. 7:2-6). These rights are not to ... – PowerPoint PPT presentation

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Title: Marriage by the Book

Marriage by the Book
  • Jim Sutherland, Ph.D.

Hey, Adam !
  • Genesis and the Garden are factual history.
  • If they werent, then Paul (2 Cor. 113 Eph.
    531 1 Tim. 213-14) Luke (Luke 338), Jude
    (Jude 114) and Jesus (Gen. 127 224 Matt.
    194-6) were wrong. Would Jesus quote a myth to
    argue against divorce?
  • Adam was so real, you could have delivered a
    pizza to him.

Many in the US cannot even define marriage
  • America has drifted so far from truth, that gay
    marriages are being performed around the county
    by government agencies, and even by some
    churches, such as some in the United Methodist
  • Christians are pushing for a constitutional
    amendment to define marriage as only between a
    male and a female.
  • Since they did not think it worthwhile to retain
    the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a
    depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done.
    (Rom. 128, NIV).

The Minority Stand
  • In a country in which pluralism is the accepted
    posturewhere no particular truth claim is higher
    than anotherand all may be right, Christians
    should unashamedly rely upon the truth claims of
    the Bible, and rejoice that we dont have to
    submit to the changing tides of research studies,
    liberal psychology or the current majority view
    for guidance.
  • Christians believe in universal truth, moral
    absolutes, in Christ, and the Bible without
    apology. We even believe in innate differences
    between the sexes and roles for husband and wife.

What is Marriage?
  • Marriage is the union of a male and female by
    covenantal vows and mutually exclusive physical
    union, becoming one flesh (Gen. 224) before
  • Francis Schaeffer saw that the natural destiny of
    the man/woman relationship is union, through
    degrees of intimacy. In courtship we
    emotionally undress to reveal our true self,
    and in marriage move to physically undressing
    (Joe Novenson).
  • God exists as a tri-unity. There was love among
    the Trinity before humans (John 1724-Schaeffer).
    Being in His image, we desire union and a

What is Marriage?
  • After the Fall, marriage became an ideal crucible
    for Christian growth. The mate becomes a
    relentless mirror of our character. My wife used
    to think she was a pretty good Christian until
    marriage got in the way. Marriage brings out our
  • When single it is easy to please self and
    minimize exposing yourself.
  • The married state throws a Christian upon God to
    make it work. Christians must rely upon God for
    ultimate truth and justice and to even to decide
    who is really right!

Fallout From the Fall
  • All relationships are corrupted with God,
    spouse, family, other kin, with employers, the
    larger society and even anger against self
    (Francis Schaeffer) in self-destructive behavior.
  • Husbands abuse power, wives wrest power, both
    exploit sex. Nakedness between mates became
    shameful, indicating a breakdown of intimacy
    generally. The need to communicate may turn to
    nagging (5 times a besetting sin of women in
  • We tend toward selfishness generally.
  • The command to bear children became a pain.

Why Do We Celebrate Marriage?
  • 10 of the US population was currently
    divorced in 1998 (19.4 million).
  • 34 of all Americans and 53 of Blacks between
    25-34 refrain from marriage.
  • 33 of born-again American Christians have
    been divorced, compared to 34 of
    non-Christians, according to Barna Research
  • 44 of those under age 35 have cohabited, and
    25 of born-again Christians have cohabited
    (Barna, 2001).

Why Marriage? (1. For Companionship--It is not
good for the man to be alone, I will make a
helper suitable for him. God, Genesis 218
(NIV) Life is enjoyed together (1 Pet. 37)
Why Marriage? (2. She is a sign of Gods
favor. Even after sin entered the world He who
finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor
from the Lord. God, through Solomon, Proverbs
1822 Married men live longer than single or
divorced men. A noble wife crowns him (Prov.
124) She is mans glory (1 Cor. 117).
(3 Two Are Better Than One They are more
productive (Ecclesiastes 49). One can nurse the
other when sick (Eccles. 410). They can warm
each other at night (Eccles. 411). They can
defend themselves better, normally (Eccles. 412).
(4. Marriage is Gods instrument to fill the
earth and subdue it, then to rule it (Gen.
128). This is stated just after reminding us
that God created male and female in His own image
(v. 27)He who created and rules the universe. We
cannot fill the earth asexually. We are
joint-heirs of the earth.
  • (5 Marriage is for mutual sexual joy (Prov.
  • Eve was presented to Adam as a giftthe most
    beautiful girl in the worlddrop-dead gorgeous.

(6 We are to glorify God together 1 Cor. 103
Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of
God. The focus of life remains God. Pleasing
God comes before pleasing the spouse, if there is
a contest. We form a ministry team (Joel
Hunter) when we marry.
The Mystery of the Mate
  • 2 ? 1 FLESH (Gen. 224)
  • They are so much one that God wont answer the
    husbands prayers if he is inconsiderate of his
    wife (1 Pet. 37).
  • Why does a wife stay with an abusive or
    irresponsible husband?
  • The Desire of the wife is for the husband (Gen.

The Mystery of the Mate
  • Familiarity does not breed contempt.
  • Men generally stay as beauty fades.
  • The sexual relationship can get much better with
    years--even after the ecstasy of the honeymoon.
  • What causes a woman to ride with her man a
  • How can such opposites coexist?
  • How do a male and female cardinal stay together?

  • With great wisdom the Bible mandates no
    particular style, manner, or set of behaviors
    that alone qualify as biblical headship. In
    fact, there are probably as many legitimate
    expressions of headship as there are variations
    of personality. Biblical headship is simply the
    exercise of a God-given authority whereby a man
    does all that is within his power to see that
    love, justice, and mercy rule in his home, even
    where fostering such qualities requires his own
    personal sacrifice. --Bryan Chapel
  • Each for the Other, p. 68

The Husbands Headship
  • This headship derives from the order of
  • Adam was created first, and woman for man (1 Tim.
  • Christ is the head of man, and man is the head of
    woman (1 Cor. 113).
  • Adam was not deceived by Satan, Eve was. Adam
    however did not protect her, but allowed his wife
    to sin, being with her when she ate the forbidden
    fruit (Gen. 36).
  • Husbands fail to be godly leaders because of
    laziness or fear.

His Headship
  • The Father exercises authority within the
    Godhead, sending the Son and Spirit and the Son
    obeying the Father (John 1416 1510). The
    church (bride) should submit to Christ (Eph.
    524). Marriage is analogous.
  • Cults pervert the divine Groom/Bride analogy.
    Cultic grooms exploit, lie, manipulate and take
    from the Bride, giving false truth, holding false
    authority, giving false community and a false
    worldview, leading to destruction.
  • The wife should submit in everything (Col.
    318 Eph. 524), except if told to sin. She may
    disagree, and she should provide her perspective,
    but not disobey.

His Headship--2
  • Headship is not fun. He takes final
    responsibility before God for decisions. When
    there is a stalemate, he must break the tie.
    Sometimes he will submit to his wifes desires
    (Eph. 521).
  • The wife trusts that God will bring good from his
    decisions (Rom. 828)even bad ones.
  • Children are to submit to the authority of both
    parents, if present.

  • Husbands, given (generally) greater physical
    strength and desire to subdue, will sometimes
    abuse that power, even beating his wifea sin
    against his own body (Eph. 528).
  • Wives may think that beating is a sign of love,
    or manipulate him to beat her so that she can get
    something (Uganda). Half of Indias women think
    wife-beating is sometimes justified.
  • The husband is designed more to conquer the
    world at work and at war. He is known at the
    city gateshe at the city well.

Justice in Marriage
  • Without Christ, the husband has no recourse or
    buffer, and may rely upon punishing/bullying to
    get what he wants. He exacts justice.
  • Without Christ, the wife has no recourse except
    wits and charm and finally leaving.
  • Without the cross of Christ no buffer exists
    between spouses, no ultimate payment for wrong.

Justice in Marriage
  • With Christ, we understand that His cross
    ultimately paid for every sin, whether or not our
    spouse or children confess.
  • With God, nobody eludes justice. Vengeance is
    His, and He will repay (Rom. 1219).
  • It isnt worth wasting days in vexation over the
    sin of another. None will avoid justice,
    including those in denial, the unrepentant and
    the hard of heart.

The Husbands Role
  • Husband means gardener. He is the cultivator
    of the garden, which is his wife. How does your
    garden grow?
  • She blooms in a loving environment. His major job
    is to love his wife (Eph. 525 Col. 319). This
    love (agapeGreek) is not based upon the
    performance of the one loved, but is based more
    upon the character of the one loving. Love is
    practically defined positively at 1 Cor. 134-7
    as being patient, kind, rejoicing with the
    truth, protective, trusting, hopeful and

His Role--2
  • The obverse of love is not being boastful, proud,
    rude, selfish, easily angered, not keeping track
    of offenses and not delighting in evil (mistakes
    and faults of the spouse).
  • This love reflects Christs self-sacrifice for
    the Church (Eph. 525). Christ will never
    forsake the Church (Heb. 135), He forgives, He
    intercedes for, and He shows grace (unmerited
  • Living together without marriage blasphemes the
    picture of Christ and His bride (Schaeffer).

His Role--3
  • Christ works for the purity and holiness of the
    Church (Eph. 525-27). The husband should
    promote her spiritual nourishment through taking
    her to worship, agreeing in prayer, intercession,
    encouraging her devotional reading, answering
    questions (1 Cor. 1435) etc., and spiritual
    leadership generally.
  • Christ gives the abundant life to His Bride
    (John 1010-11), which is not material. Her
    needs came before His comfort.
  • He is to provide for the familys material needs,
    or he is worse than a heathen (1 Tim. 58). He
    is responsible to provide, not her.

His Role--4
  • He is to try to understand her, to live with her
    in harmony (1 Pet. 37). That knowledge will
    guide activities and expectations. I dont try
    to watch videos with Judi.
  • He does well to provide her freedom, as did the
    husband of the Prov. 31 wife. I believe he will
    have to answer to God for the stewardship of his
    wifes abilities. Did he help them blossom? I
    know a Christian who discouraged his wifes
    formal studies, photography and normal social
    interaction with men (even when he was present).
    She finally sued for (unscriptural) divorce.

His Role--5
  • Willard Harley identified 5 needs of wives,
    derived from years of marriage counseling. They
    are affection, conversation, honesty and
    openness, financial support and family
    commitment. Affection does not necessarily
    include sexual love.
  • Women (right brain-dominant) are more verbal than
    men (left brain-dominant).
  • If her head is dishonest or secretive, this
    puts the ship of the marriage/family into
    uncharted and foreboding waters. I meet
    dishonest men in financial counseling.

His Role--6
  • She should not have to go to work unless he is
    not there. The wife needs financial security far
    more than does he. She should have accurate
    knowledge of finances.
  • He is to protect his family physically and
    emotionally, as far as possible.
  • Love blossoms in mutual commitment and relative
    security. An absent huband/father is like a bird
    straying from its nest (Prov. 278). She wants a
    secure nest in which to raise their children.
    Commitment to all children is increasingly
    important with blended families.

His Role7
  • He is NOT her
  • Father
  • Boss
  • Critic
  • Commander or Dictator
  • God
  • He cannot even provide for all her needsonly God

Her Role
  • She is to be chaste and submissive in everything,
    in the Lord (1 Pet. 31-2).
  • She is to love him (1 Pet. 36-7 Titus 24).
    This is not only the husbands role.
  • She is to help her husband. Normally this means
    that she is busy at home (Titus 25 1 Tim.
    514). The Prov. 31 wife took care of her
    household before engaging in outside business.
    If she can take care of home and business too, no
    problem, with his approval.
  • She provides a clean environment from which to
    operate, including a clean clothes and home. If
    she must work fulltime, then he should share the
    household responsibilities.
  • She provides the primary care and nurture of the
    children, as her body was designed to do, and
    since he must work, generally outside the home,
    to support the family.

Her Role--2
  • She nurses when he is sick and may need to
    provide temporarily due to sickness or to support
    her husband in school as he prepares for a better
  • She needs to be flexible to meet the changing
    needs of her home, the developmental needs of
    children, and her husband.
  • Role 1 is wife. Mother is Role 2. Daughter is
    Role 3. They are to leave parents and cleave to
    each other (Gen. 224).
  • She, while being more verbal, is not to be

Her Role--3
  • Willard Harleys understanding of the 5 greatest
    needs of the husband are sexual fulfillment,
    recreational companionship, an attractive spouse,
    domestic support, admiration.
  • Since there is so much immorality, each man
    should have his own wife, and each woman her own
    husband. The husband should fulfill his marital
    duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her
    husband. The wifes body does not belong to her
    alone, but also to her husband. In the same way,
    the husbands body does not belong to him alone
    but also to his wife (1 Cor. 72,4, NIV).
  • The best sexual relationship is within a stable
    and loving relationship.

Her Role--4
  • At marriage we grant exclusive sexual rights to
    each other (1 Cor. 72-6). These rights are not
    to be used as weapons.
  • God invented sex to be outrageously fine. The
    Song of Solomon ch. 4 describes the pleasures of
    married romantic love. God could have designed
    reproduction without pleasure and there could be
    no category as sexual joy.
  • Sin drives us apartsex draws us together, and I
    think by design. Its hard for me to stay mad at
    my wife for more than 3 days.
  • The marriage bed is pure (Heb. 134). God will
    judge those who defile it with another lover.
  • Her breasts are to satisfy the husband at all
    times and the husband is admonished to be
    ravished with his wifes love (Prov. 515-23).

Her Role5
  • William Mattox reported that University of
    Chicago researchers released the results of the
    most comprehensive and methodologically sound
    sex survey ever conducted. They reported that
    religious women experience significantly higher
    levels of sexual satisfaction than non-religious
    women. This has been termed, the revenge of
    the church ladies.
  • Why? They benefit from no prior sexual
  • They benefit from a commitment to marriage
  • They enjoy far more sexual freedom and lack of
  • Finally, church ladies appear to benefit from
    the belief that God created sex.
  • The sexual relationship can get better with time,
    instead of worse, as might be expected.
  • A married Christian husband likened sex to the
    frosting on the cake. But all that frosting
    without a base would not be goodthe base is
    needed to make the frosting taste good.

Her Role-6
  • A woman disobeys God when she ignores,
    undermines, or counters the properly expressed
    authority of her husband. At the same time, the
    apostles example the wife submitting as the
    Church to Christ frees the wife from submission
    to ungodly demands since the churchs submission
    to Christ never includes participation in evil or
    yielding to what dishonors Gods plan for his
    people. --Bryan Chapel
  • Each for the Other, p. 81

Single Moms
  • God takes special care of widows and the
    fatherless (Deut. 1429 1611, etc).
  • We can do all things through Christ who
    strengthens us (Phil 413), even raising children
  • Stay involved in a church with godly men, who may
    show kindness toward your children. Some may
    become a more godly influence than the spouse
    would have been.
  • Churches should help single moms, through teams
    of deacons giving individualized guidance and

Single Moms
  • Some churches have a periodic car maintenance day
    in the parking lot for singles who cannot afford
    it. Other churches provide daycare for Moms who
    must work.
  • Go to the elders/deacons for guidance as needed.
  • Cry out to God for your children (Lam. 219, cf.
    Isaiah 2922-24). He wants godly children, so you
    are praying in Gods will and you will receive
    your request (1 John 514).