Seven Keys to Maximizing Your Relationship

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Seven Keys to Maximizing Your Relationship

• Master Strategies of Super Marriages

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Learning Objectives

• This seminar will teach you
• How to transform your relationship
• Simple, effective techniques anyone can use to
  boost connectivity in your relationship
• How to turn criticism into your most valuable
  resource
• Rules for constructive conflict

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Warning

• Research shows that these highly effective
  strategies work best when put into practice,
  practice, practice.
• It is also believed that 30 days of practice
  increases the possibility of this new behavior
  becoming a habit. Then your ability to make the
  habits permanent is vastly increased.

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A Thought to Remember

• "To know and not to do, is really not to know.
  
• To learn and not to do is not to learn. In
  other words, to understand something but not
  apply it is really not to understand it. It is
  only by the doing, the applying, that knowledge
  and understanding are internalized.
• Stephen R. Covey in the 8th Habit From
  Effectiveness to Greatness

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A Thought to Remember

• For instance, you could study
  tennis as a sport by reading books,
• and hearing lectures,
• but until you've actually
• played it, you wouldn't
• know the sport.
• To know and not to do is not to know.
• Stephen R. Covey in the 8th Habit From
  Effectiveness to Greatness

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Introduction

• A quality relationship requires frequent
  and consistent effort at doing the positive
  things that sustain your commitment. This
  involves making choices and taking
  responsibility.
• This seminar will identify
  some of the key ingredients to valuing your
  relationship and how to put them into
• practice.

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Stop Signs of Readiness

• Prepare for uninterrupted time slot
• Get pencil and paper
• Telephone cellular phone off
• TV off
• Music off

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Key 1- Honor

• Honor is the foundation on which any fulfilling
  relationship must be built.
• Honor is something we can choose to give whether
  we feel like it or not.
• Honoring or valuing someone is not dependent on
  them but on you.
• 
  

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Key 1- Honor

• We choose to bring honor into any relationship
  not because someone deserves it, but because that
  is the right thing to do in any relationship.

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How Do You Honor Others?

• You honor them with words of encouragement and by
  listening to them.
• You honor people by looking into their
• eyes when theyre speaking
• or by giving them a smile
• or a pat on the back.
• As you begin to honor them, youll not only
  see a change in them, youll see a change in
  yourself.

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How Do You Honor Others?

• We honor with our expressions, our words, and our
  tone of voice.
• We also can dishonor someone with a look, harsh
  words, or a condescending tone of voice.

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Key 2 - Encouragement

• We encourage people with our spirit and our
  attitude as well as with our words and tone of
  voice.
• We can encourage people just by responding to
  them (You would like it if I would pick up
  behind myself. Yes, I will pick up behind
  myself.) instead of reacting to them. (In an
  angry voice tone You dont cook!)

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Key 2 - Encouragement

• Words of encouragement or a willingness to just
  listen can make all the difference in the world
  in how people will face the rest of their day.
• Other forms of encouragement include nonsexual
  touch, a hug, even a pat on the back.

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Key 2 - Encouragement

• When you are listening to someone as a means of
  encouraging him or her, dont try to solve any
  problems he or she voices.

Just listen.
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Key 3 - Security

• One of the greatest needs of a woman is security.
  
• She wants to feel safe in a relationship.
• (No physical violence, no threat of violence,
  no verbal abuse, show of protection when others
  appear threatening, etc.)
• She wants to know that her mate is 100 committed
  to her for the long term.
• She wants to feel secure enough that she can
  express whatever she thinks or feels and not be
  judged or criticized for her thoughts or
  feelings.

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Key 3 - Security

• But women arent the only ones who want
  security in a relationship. Men need it as well.
  (Being called negative, derogatory, or belittling
  names, etc)
• We also infuse security into the relationship
  by showing appreciation.

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Key 4 Respect and Admiration

• The single greatest need of a man is to feel
  respected and admired.
• How do you communicate respect and admiration?
• It is his masculinity he wants noticed and
  appreciated, his masculine body, skills,
  abilities, achievements and dreams.

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Key 4 Respect and Admiration

• Give genuine praise, not just flattery.
• (Flattery is when you comment on something
  someone has rather than on what he or she has
  done.)
• Praise and respect are communicated by focusing
  attention on something he or she has
  accomplished.

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Key 5 Effective Communication

• The only way you will ever get a man to
  understand what youre feeling is by using an
  effective emotional word picture. (Using
  emotional word pictures to implant understanding
  in the listeners mind and feeling in the
  listeners emotions) Its the only communication
  technique that stimulates the right side of a
  mans brain.
• Hooking a persons undivided attention

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Key 6 Fighting by the Rules

• When two are more people come together to form
  a relationship in order for harmony and respect
  everyone's needs to get met there must be an
  acknowledged and agreed upon structure or
  guidelines for handling conflict.
• Dr. Gary Smalley an expert in connecting
  people, shows us the dos and donts of
  conflicts.

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Rules for Constructive Conflict

• Conflict Dos
• 1. Take a timeout to gain control, become
  calmer, and reduce your anger before you engage
  in the confrontation.
• 2. Prepare for the confrontation before you
  engage in it.

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Rules for Constructive Conflict

• Determine your specific goal for the
  confrontation.
• Do you simply want to resolve a current problem?
• Do you want to stop a behavior pattern?
• Do you want to replace a destructive behavior
  pattern with a constructive one?
• Do you want to correct, encourage, or punish?

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Rules for Constructive Conflict

• Determine what specifically you want to say and
  how you want to say it. Write it down if time
  permits so you can make sure you avoid all of the
  donts in your message.

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Rules for Constructive Conflict

• Determine how to begin the confrontation in the
  least inflammatory way. Include your positive
  goal for the confrontation. (For example, I
  really want to be the best friend I can be to
  you or Because our relationship is so important
  to me, I wanted to share something that could
  make it better for both of us).

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Rules for Constructive Conflict

• 3. Approach the confrontation in the spirit of a
  learner who also makes mistake and
• has weaknesses.
• 4. If criticism is to be given, use the sandwich
  method
• (To be discussed later in full detail)
• 5. Use as many encouraging and positive
  statements as you can in the context surrounding
  the central issue you are trying to address or
  resolve.

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Rules for Constructive Conflict

• 6. Be willing to offer and accept a progressive
  resolution of the problem or issue.
• Ask for advice on what you can do to help resolve
  the problem on your end, or to reduce your
  contribution to the problem.
• 8. If the person attacks you, dont defend
  yourself or retaliate. Assure him or her that
  you too have weaknesses that you need to work on.

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Rules for Constructive Conflict

• 9. Keep the confrontation on track. Dont be
  diverted to side issues or opportunities to deal
  with problems other than those you have planned
  to address. If the other person wont proceed
  unless you do address side issues, you can always
  agree that he or she has a legitimate concern and
  ask if you can set aside time to deal with that
  issue.

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Rules for Constructive Conflict

• 10. Control your words, tone of voice, and
  nonverbal communication. Respect and honor the
  person, even in the midst of conflict. Remember
  the wisdom of the proverb of Solomon, A soft
  answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir
  up anger.
• 11. Reassure the person of your ongoing care and
  commitment to him or her and to your relationship.

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Rules for Constructive Conflict

• Conflict Donts
• 1. Dont bury the problem or the hurt its
  causing you.
• 2. Dont deny or run away from the problem or
  the confrontation required to address it.

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Rules for Constructive Conflict

• 3. Dont let your addressing the problem
  degenerate into an attack on the person or his or
  her character. (If character is the issue,
  address it, dont attack the specific character
  failing, not the character in general.)

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Rules for Constructive Conflict

• 4. Dont use inflammatory remarks, sarcasm, or
  name calling.
• 5. Dont enter a conflict in the spirit of a
  self-righteous know-it-all.
• 6. Dont let the conflict broaden to issues other
  than the one's you are trying to address.

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Rules for Constructive Conflict

• 7. Dont use generalizations, exaggerations, or
  blanket statements such as you always or you
  never.
• 8. Dont use ultimatums or threats.
• 9. Dont use body language or nonverbal
  communication that shows disbelief or
• lack of respect (such as rolling your eyes
  or shaking your head).

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Rules for Constructive Conflict

• 10. Dont interrupt.
• 11. Dont raise your voice.
• 12. Dont withdraw or walk away or hang up the
  telephone in the middle of a confrontation.

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Key 7 - Correct Criticism

• The Sandwich Method of Criticism The Only Wise
  Way to Criticize
• Step 1.
• Pointing out a positive quality about the
  individual or his or her performance and offering
  specific (not general) praise for that quality or
  performance. Hallie, that was nice of you to
  get a bottle of chocolate milk for Daddy. You
  are so thoughtful.

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Key 7 - Correct Criticism

• Step 2.
• Next comes the slice of specific criticism,
  addressing a wrong activity or choice, but not
  attacking the person character Hallie, even
  though I love chocolate milk, the bottles are too
  heavy for you to carry. Because you dropped it on
  the carpet, were going to have to take a lot of
  time to clean it up. So next time asks one of
  your big brothers to carry the bottle of milk for
  you, Okay? Do you understand?

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Key 7 - Correct Criticism

• Step 3.
• After the criticism has been delivered and
  has been acknowledged and understood, its time
  to put the last slice of bread on the sandwich.
  Hallie, you are the sweetest little girl. Thank
  you for trying to be so nice to me.