C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK Lecture 16b

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C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALKLecture 16b
TALK, TALK, TALK!
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BASIC FORM OF HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L.

• YOU-MESSAGES
• LABELS - YOURE AN IDIOT
• COMMANDS - DO IT- YOU IS UNSPOKEN
• JUDGMENT - YOURE WRONG
• BLAME - YOU MADE ME..
• ACCUSATION-YOU DONT CARE

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YOU-MESSAGES

• 1. FOCUS ON THE PERSON RATHER THAN THE
  BEHAVIOUR/SITUATION
• 2. IS A DISGUISED FEELING STATEMENT
• 3. PLACES BLAME RATHER THAN PROBLEM SOLVES
• 4. OTHER HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO DEFEND
• 5. AVOIDS OWNERSHIP - INVADES OTHERS SPACE -
  MAKES THEM RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS,
  FEELINGS

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C.O.N.T.R.O.L. AND INFLUENCE

• HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L.
• PERSUASION IN RELATIONSHIPS STUDY
• COUPLES ASKED DOES ONE OF YOU CONTROL?
• IF YES,
• CONTROLLER USED HEAVY TACTICS
• NON-CONTROLLER USED LIGHT TACTICS.
• IF BOTH SAID YES - RATIONAL BARGAINING,
  COMPROMISE
• LOW SELF-ESTEEM - CANT BELIEVE SIMPLE REQUEST
  WILL WORK - SO USE HARD TACTICS
  

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C.O.N.T.R.O.L. THE PUNCTUATION PROBLEM

• INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION IS
• CONTINUOUS
• OVERLAPPING, INTERWEAVED COMMUNICATION CYCLES
• COMPLEX
• MULTI-CAUSAL
• HARD TO ACCEPT - PARTICULARLY WHEN THINKING AND
  FEELING DEFENSIVELY
• SO WE SIMPLIFY, PUNCTUATE

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THE HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. LOOP

• WE GO FOR HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L.
• CIRCLE BECOMES CHAIN OF CAUSE AND EFFECT
• YOUR BEHAVIOR CAUSED MY REACTION
• I NEED TO SEE MYSELF AS RIGHT OR OK!

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THE HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. LOOP
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C.O.N.T.R.O.L.

• THREE APSECTS OF STRUGGLE OVER RIGHTNESS
• WHAT WAS SAID
• WHAT WAS MEANT
• WHOS TO BLAME

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WHAT WAS SAID

• WHAT WAS SAID
• STRUGGLE ABOUT TRUTH
• CRIPPLING ASSUMPTIONS
• I AM RIGHT, YOU ARE WRONG
• IF I PERSIST YOULL CHANGE
• PERSISTENCE CREATES RESISTANCE

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WHAT WAS MEANT

• DID YOU MEAN TO HELP OR HURT
• CRIPPLING ASSUMPTION
• I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT
• INFER THEIR INTENTIONS FROM YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT
  THEIR BEHAVIOR
• ITS SO AUTOMATIC - DONT NOTICE OUR CONCLUSION
  IS AN ASSUMPTION
• UNCALCULATED RISK - UP THE INFERENCE LADDER
• ONE ALLNESS TYPE OF FALSE ACCUSATION AND
  THEYRE OFF THE HOOK

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WHOS TO BLAME

• SPEND MOST TIME HERE
• CRIPPLING ASSUMPTION
• ITS NOT THE SITUATION, ITS THEM
• ASSUMES PROBLEMS ONLY HAVE ONE CAUSE -
  OVERATTRIBUTION
• AVOIDS INTERWOVEN NATURE OF TALK
• LETS US AVOID RESPONSIBILITY

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THE BASES FOR D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. TALK

• WHERE C.O.N.T.R.O.L. STARTS FROM REFLEX, REACTION
  AND RIGHTNESS
• D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. STARTS FROM AWARENESS,
  ACCEPTANCE, APPROPRIATENESS

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THREE TYPES OF TALK AND PROBLEM-SOLVING IN
RELATIONSHIPS
CONNECT TALK (SMALL TALK)
CHOICE


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