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The Winston Chronicles

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Title: The Winston Chronicles


1
The Winston Chronicles
  • Write it, Scrawl it, Text it, Tweet it, Blog
    it.Or you can do what potentially millions of
    Americans could do and leave the dirty work to

The Week in Review for July 27th 2009
2
Obama Declares 40 oz. To Racial Freedom!
  • No its not just a song by Sublimeits the
    Presidents new policy on racial tolerance. Got a
    beef? Have a beer with the PrezIts time to
    chillax and throw down our hate and pick up a
    brewsky. President Obama invited Professor Gates
    and Officer James Crowley to the white house for
    a teachable moment and a beer. Were not sure
    if it settled race relations, but we are
    confident that it was a good expenditure of the
    Presidents valuable time and our hard-earned
    taxpayer dollars. According to President Obama,
    because this meeting went so well he will set up
    a tentative list for similar negotiations. First
    he will invite Kim Jong Il (if he isnt too ill)
    to discuss nuclear disarmament while they do some
    shrooms. Later he plans for a meeting with
    Mahmoud Zahar, one of the leaders of Hamas, to
    discuss the turmoil in the middle east over a
    bowl of primo Afghani opium.

According to the President, the possibilities
for drug induced détente are endless. Man Im
going to get so toasted next month when I meet
with Putin, and you know that dude can party
3
Taliban to release book of terrorist conduct!
  • Well its long overdue, but finally there is a
    text that outlines the proper conduct for
    terrorist attacks. For too many years we have
    suffered through incompetent attacks by
    loose-cannon terrorists engaging in disorganized,
    improper bombings of innocent people. Fear not!
    All of this will change with the new Taliban code
    of conduct book! Al Jazeera network recently
    aired news of this terrorist textbook that is
    allegedly aimed at reducing civilian casualties
    among Muslims. Our daring reporters in the field
    risked life and limb to get their hands on a copy
    of the code of conduct and we have prepared a
    list the top 10 code of conduct rules summarized
    below

4
The Top Ten Taliban Code of Conduct Rules
10. Allahu Akbar (God is Great) should be
shouted before detonation of your bomb vest.9.
Wearing white to a bombing after labor day is
strictly prohibited. 8. Death to the Infidels
T-shirts must be worn inside-out in public to
prevent unwanted attention. 7. If your
child is bombing with you, please make sure that
your explosives vest is secured
prior to securing your childs vest. 6. Any
Taliban members surviving a blast with resulting
injuries may not qualify for medical
benefits under the Acts of Allah clause in our
current group insurance plan. 5. Walking around
groups of people and saying boom! really loudly
and then laughing prior to a suicide
bombing is strictly prohibited. 4. Always bomb
with a buddy. Lets be safe out there people! 3.
For easier Taliban identification and record
keeping, please write your name and phone
number on all major body parts prior to any
suicide missions. 2. Please avoid writing
things like Khalim is feeling positive about
tommorrow mornings suicide mission at the
Bagdad Ramada Inn! on your Facebook page. 1.
In accordance with local noise ordinances in most
major cities, bombings must occur no early
than 7 a.m. and no later than 9 p.m. on weekdays
(9 a.m. and 11 p.m. on weekends, holidays
and holy days).
5
Michael Phelps loses! Coach blames high-tech
swimsuit!
  • Paul Biederman beat out Phelps by a whopping 1.22
    seconds in the 200 meter freestyle at the world
    championships last week in Rome Italy. Phelps
    Coach Bob Bowman was livid because Biederman used
    a high-tech swimsuit made of a special
    polyurethane weave that was most likely given to
    him by highly evolved aliens who had thrown down
    some big money on him to win. Coach Bowman wants
    these futuristic suits banned from the games and
    they are in fact supposed to be next year. Not to
    be outdone, a determined Michael Phelps said that
    he plans to start taping it back referring to
    his unit which sticks out noticeably in his
    tight Speedos (so we are told). He figures that
    by retracting his junk he should bring his drag
    coefficient down by a factor of at least 0.02.
    For those of you unfamiliar with fluid dynamics,
    they use the equation of

  • where D denotes Dork.
  • If that doesnt work, Phelps plans to have his
    nipples surgically inverted which should give him
    another 0.01 reduction in drag. Godspeed Michael
    Phelps, Godspeed!

As can be seen here, Phelps was so angry over the
loss he yanked Biedermans swimsuit off and tried
to eat it to prevent another loss like this.
6
Janet Jackson Feels your pain!
  • What? Two wardrobe malfunctions in such a short
    period of time? We suspect a conspiracy! Last
    month swimmer Flavia Zoccaria (bottom on bottom)
    split her swimsuit and was forced to sit out from
    a championship race, and just last week Ricky
    Berens (bottom on top) split his swimsuit so
    badly that they had to rename his event from the
    freestyle to the any-style-with-covered-butt-ch
    eeks. Some believe this to be just a bizarre
    coincidence, but we at the Winston Chronicles
    suspect something far more devious. Note that
    both swimmers are using those cool high tech
    swimsuits. Now who do we know that really, really
    hates those suits? Like maybe someone just named
    in the previous article? Like someone whose
    bong-smoking may have ended up on somebodys face
    book page and gotten him into a lot of trouble?
    No! Not President Obama! Think Man! Ok, well
    prove it. Look at the zoomed-in digitally
    enhanced image of the bottom photograph of Flavia
    Zoccaria on the next page and you can just barely
    make out a sinister image in the background..

7
See! See! We Told You!
8
This Winston Chronicles is brought to you by the
Sharper Image!
  • Introducing The Sharper Image Key-Tray Lamp! How
    many times have you found yourself putting your
    keys down in haphazard places that were poorly
    lit? Then when you are looking for your keys and
    see what looks like your keys but you arent
    certain because its too dark! Now you have to go
    and pick up your keys to make sure thats what
    they are and not something that simply looks like
    your keys? Frustrating!!!! Not anymore thanks to
    the Sharper Image Key-Tray Lamp! This high tech
    Key-Tray Lamp of Scandinavian design gives you a
    clear place to put your keys. Then just fire up
    the 150 watt halogen lamp and watch your keys
    ignite in a blaze of glory. No more fumbling
    around for what might be your keys! This Key-Tray
    Lamp is also Windows Vista Compatible and
    connects through a USB port so you can program
    your Key-Tray Lamp to turn on at the hours that
    you need to see your keys most. If you know
    someone who has keys, has to put them down, and
    cant see in the dark, then this is a gift they
    will use every day of their life!

Key-Tray Lamp 179.99 plus shipping. Specify Burnt
orange, Slate Grey, or Taupe. Key-Tray Lamp
should never be left unattended around small
children or pets. Do not stare directly at
Key-Tray lamp for more than 15 seconds without
safety goggles (not included). Keys left
unattended under Key-Tray Lamp may reach
temperatures in excess of 175 degrees and should
be allowed to cool before handling. UL listed,
but just barely.
9
What is it?
  • A. The first two cars rejected for the
    governments Cash for Clunkers programB. Why
    you should never let your 13 year-old son get a
    hold of your car keys while youre at dinner C.
    Footage from the new Jackass Movie Jackass 3
    the revenge of WeemanD. Why Dominos stopped
    their whole 30 minutes or its free campaign

And the correct answer isB. The boy got his
dads keys and turned on the ignition for the new
Dodge Durango and accidentally drove it off the
4th floor parking garage. Fortunately, he landed
on a brand new Toyota SUV (which stands for
Suddenly Under Vehicle). The Boy survived the
fall but is not likely to survive whatever hid
dad is going to do to him when he gets out of the
hospital.
10
Bratz Being Replaced by Moxie Girls!
  • MGA Entertainment Inc., after catching hell for
    the sexy, scantily-clad big-eyed pouty-lipped
    Bratz dolls, has released a kinder, less skankier
    line called the Moxie Girls. This particular line
    is aimed at girls aged 6-10 and comes with
    accessories that any 6-10 year old would have,
    like a guitar, a microphone, and a car. As the
    Bratz were inappropriate for pre-teens, MGA has
    decided to release an entirely new line of dolls
    for older, more street-wise girls between 12 and
    15. The new line, calledUptown Bitches N Hos
    have attitude to the max! These hoochie mammas
    come with accessories like reversible underwear
    for those unplanned overnight outings, their own
    Gardasil HPV Vaccine Kit, a necklace with a vile
    that holds an emergency Plan-B pill, teeny tiny
    fake I.D.s, and coupons worth 50 dollars at any
    CVS pharmacy! Theyre sassy, trashy, and lookin
    to hook-up yo! What teen could resist them?

The Moxie Girls are already selling well at
Target and Wal-Mart and should be a big hit at
Christmas time. For those of you who dont recall
the Bratz Dolls weve put a side-by-side
comparison on the next slide with both the Moxie
Girls and the Bratz so that you can decide what
is best for your child.
11
BRATZ Moxie Girls
The Bratz dolls are undeniably attractive, but at
least little girls have a chance of growing up to
look like the Moxie Girls.
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