How Loving Couples Fight Harvest Mountain Wedding Ministries, Rev' Barbara Moore excerpts from book

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How Loving Couples FightHarvest Mountain Wedding
Ministries, Rev. Barbara Moore - excerpts from
book by James Creighton, PHD.
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(No Transcript)
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Ground Rules -for loving conflict

• Over time we can become convinced that
  relationships that are good are just impossible.
  Who ever thought on your wedding day that having
  fights would be a problem for us ?
• Some people think their relationship was made in
  heaven - they were right for one another
• Others think because they go to therapy a few
  times they will be all better
• You always hurt the one you love The more we
  care the more vulnerable we are. Many societies
  offer myths about relationships. In most
  successful relationships the partners neither
  avoid conflict nor view it as particularly
  threatening. Some of us say - well so in so gets
  in fights because she is hostile or Joe is just
  immature. If you were just a different person you
  would not get in so many fights. This kind of
  thinking creates significant problems. If we
  believe that fights are caused by personality
  traits, then we must also believe that the
  personalities have to change before the conflict
  can be resolved.
• Some families of origin have a belief that you
  are allowed to express yourself openly and that
  there was permission to be in conflict without
  shame that you were doing something wrong !
• A fight meant failure - can be eliminated from
  family mindsets. Fights can be constructive
  bringing people closer. But if you think a fight
  is failure then you get very uneasy trying to
  prevent this engagement.
• How many families were taught to fight ? Most
  were just taught to fight badly. Like tennis you
  can learn to refine your stroke. You can practice
  fighting until you become more refined.
• Learn how to grow from a fight instead of making
  wedges. How we fight is a critical factor.

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Taking responsibility is the first step

• Escalation occurs when we abdicate responsibility
  for our behavior. We must not justify our
  behavior to get even. Blaming gets us no where.
  We must look at our self and ask how we let the
  other person down. Then you can develop of mind
  framework of how could I have done things
  differently. Then resentment can lift and you
  can accept your own responsibility.
• The only behavior we can change is our own. Ask
  ourselves What am I doing that contributes to
  our fights being painful ? Accepting
  responsibility is not the same as blaming
  yourself.
• We need to learn skills or behavior that will not
  lead to escalation. Set limits for our own
  actions.
• There are two positions - it is all my fault or
  its all your fault. Both do not help.
• What am I doing to make our fights painful ?
  How can I change my behavior ? It does not
  matter what percentage of the blame you should
  bare. If you want to make things different, you
  have to change those behaviors over which you
  have control.
• Your loved one may be a screamer and this may
  seem ridiculous to you. But you cannot stop the
  screaming. You can only stop what you are doing
  that makes the fight worse.
• Accepting responsibility is not the same thing as
  blaming yourself.
• 1. Identify those behaviors that
  cause problems to escalate into fights
• 2. Learn new skills and
  behaviors for communication and problem solving
  that will not
• contribute to escalation.
• 3. Set limits for your own
  actions based on the kind of person you want to
  be, and what
• you want for your
  relationship, not your loved ones reaction.

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• The source of the pain - the conflict - is
  actually the place that will have the redeeming
  value. If you are afraid that conflict may
  destroy the relationship, emotionally damage your
  children or lead to physical violence - then you
  just want conflict to stop, to go away.
• It is not the subject of the conflict itself
  thats the problem usually - it is the way we
  handle the fight. Are we destructive or
  beneficial to the circumstance at hand.
• What you believe affects how you act. It is like
  a prophecy. Change your beliefs and get different
  fruit.
• Our belief about conflict shapes our behavior. We
  become defensive, reactive and accusatory.
• How about another angle. So what if instead of
  believing conflict was negative, what if you
  thought it results in positive ways ! ! !
• Then what you believe comes forth. If you are
  relaxed and expect a good outcome you do not
  cause your loved one to feel threatened. Even TV
  shows and movies have affected what we believe
  about conflict.
• In some movies people get divorced because they
  fight. Our family and our culture can seem like
  absolute truth. You get to change the rules for
  the betterment of your life.

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Key beliefs about conflict

• 1 Love Conquers all - Hollywood type
  belief -if we are having problems we must not
  love each other Sadly, the relationship gets
  invalidated for the wrong reason. The couple is
  not lacking love they are lacking communication
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• 2 Harmony is normal and conflict is
  abnormal - peace, bliss and happiness 24/7 ! If
  you believe this then anyone who brings conflict
  is bad - a disrupter of the natural order.
• 3 People who get into fights do so because
  they are innately argumentative , defensive, or
  hostile. With this belief there is no hope. This
  belief condemns a person into a life of we are
  just faulty. This belief compels a person to
  always seek a flawless person, never realizing
  that the answer is much simpler, a matter of
  learning.
• 4 Conflict is inherently bad, a symptom that
  something is wrong with our relationship, a sign
  of course of failure.

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• The positive value of conflict
• Conflict identifies problems that need to be
  solved ..Conflict is a way of creating change
  in relationships and eliminating need for violent
  upheaval conflict helps us define who we
  are we find our outer edges -conflict
  discharges animosity and resentment - a safety
  valve..conflict can be stimulating and
  challenging. ..Conflict is not good or bad it
  can be either or both.. Those involved can
  permit the positive aspects of conflict to
  emerge..that depends on you and your loved
  one..what makes it painful is what is done with
  it or not .

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Four rung ladder

• 1 A rung will take you higher up the pain
  ladder if you allow this . Think of conflict as
  problem solving with a spirit of co operation and
  be open and feel safe
• 2 argument free flow of communication is
  blocked voice changes and attitude change,
  finger pointing. Big idea on this rung is this is
  a contest and who is going to win and who will
  lose
• 3 The Fight one gets hurt and we are afraid
  of getting hurt even worse. Bring in past
  grievances. Perceptions distorted.
• 4 Rung WAR - strong emotion and shift to
  annihilation. Manipulation and bring in family
  members stuff as well.

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Check inside yourself
anger

• When you feel trapped and powerless - we lash out
  could be issue with authority figures anger
• Sharing our inner selves is a key to intimacy we
  must get to be able to let down our guard
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• TOOL FOR LIFE - understand the reality and
  importance of feelings. Feelings may be accurate
  or may be off base. They still shape our internal
  processes.
• Tunnel vision - see only what fits our attitude
  or state of mind at the moment.
• Arbitrary inference unfavorable judgment with
  no basis.
• Polarized thinking make absolute statement
  based on a few facts
• Magnification exaggerate severity or event
• Biased based opinion find a negative
  explanation for what a loved one did
• Negative labeling cast a bad name on loved one
• Personalization everyone is against me
• Mind reading believe we know what a person is
  thinking
• Subjective reasoning since we feel an emotion
  so strongly it must be justified

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Your rules,my rules

• Sometimes what makes sense to you only applies to
  the world which is contained within your skin !
• We can tell others they are not rationale why
  should I speak to you. The hidden assumption is a
  rational right way to feel. Each of us has self
  contained and autonomous reality.
• Some can accept being yelled at as normal and
  just respond by yelling back . The difference is
  what one believes about what being yelled at
  means. We will tend then to dismiss people who
  have different constructive approaches. No two
  people have the same rules. We try to pass off
  differences as proof that this person is not
  rationale. You buck up with judgments and
  accusations. You believe the other is not capable
  of solving problems.
• Labeling is pointless and puts a lid on further
  negotiations. Do not speak to others and totally
  invalid their feelings as not appropriate or
  possible. Any arguments about what we should be
  feeling is pointless.
• productive ways to
  understand feelings
• 1. People want to feel understood and accepted.
  2. We need to discharge feelings 3. Your
  feelings are shared with the person whose
  behavior stimulated them. 4. Your listeners
  seriously address and attends to the issues
  raised 5. Sharing your feelings does not need to
  lead to being attacked by the person with whom
  you have shared them. 6. We want to motivate the
  other person towards a desired behavior 7.
  Express feelings not judgments.

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Connect feelings to behaviors, not judgments

• Example - I am upset that you did not include
  the check with the application
• Example - I am upset that you were so careless
  and haphazard
• Both messages communicate a feeling. The feeling
  of being upset. The first one connects to a
  behavior while the second connects to a judgment
  of the person. The judgment causes the rest of
  the message to be blurred.
• Use I messages not you.. I feel - makes it
  personal and you take responsibility for your own
  feelings.
• Often in a relationship two partners are
  continually altering their true behaviors to
  please the other person.
• We need to be careful not to operate under this
  assumption - if I feel bad you should change your
  behavior. Is this something someone owes you ?
  In a relationship when you keep altering your
  behavior there is none of you left. You become
  each others puppet controlled by the others
  needs. This becomes a breeding ground for
  resentment. Defensive behavior becomes the norm
  in this tennis match
• A good rule is this - - be supportive of the
  other and temporarily put aside your needs

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LISTENso that people feel understood
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Listen to tell the other person we value them .

• You must give up suggestions of what the other
  person should say when you listen
• In effective listening you fully accept that
  other people feel as they do. You job is simply
  to understand them.
• Attitudes that get in the way of Listening
  telling people what they should have done - to
  avoid the pressures and frustrations they
  experienced.
• Should approach we were told we should feel
  happy, we should feel grateful, we should be
  loving when we were not feeling loving. We were
  given labels with negative connotations like you
  are acting immature, you are feeling sorry for
  yourself etc. The should approach derails
  listening and instead the ENFORCER rises up with
  a gavel and hits you on the head.
• Listening is not a shame based response. Having a
  rule like you must always KEEP SMILING
• Is abusive emotionally and not valuing others.

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The Should School of Emotions

• This value permeates our culture
• Even psychologists have training that includes
  emotions we should or should not use or have
• The underlying assumptions are the same there
  is an external standard and rules for measuring
  the validity of peoples feelings.
• Once trained as children we will continue to
  judge ourselves for certain feelings even when
  others discontinue imposing the rule on us.

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Productive way to understand feelings

• We are authors of our own feelings. We can not
  try and put the cause of our feelings outside
  ourselves and upon others. We are responsible to
  interpret events outside us and our responses.
• 3 possible positions to take on feelings - 1
  - my feelings can not be trusted 2 If I feel
  it it is true
• 3 - I value my feelings greatly and communicate
  them openly, but remain aware that I can be
  basing them on erroneous or distorted
  interpretations.
• Two different emotional truths can co exist. But
  two contradictory judgments cannot. Do not
  communicate judgments - but talk about feelings.
• Feel understood and accepted while you learn to
  communicate feelings
• We want to discharge feelings
• We want to motivate the other person towards a
  desired behavior
• Learn to share feelings and not attack or be
  attacked
• Your feelings can be shared with the person who
  stimulated them. Number two listener is not
  really as good as talking through issue with
  person who caused pain etc.
• There is no guarantee that you can communicate an
  emotion
• CONNECT FEELINGS TO BEHAVIORS NOT JUDGMENTS

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