Habit 5: Seek First to Understand'' Then to be Understood

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Habit 5 Seek First to Understand.. Then to be
Understood

• Empathy Being able to see the other persons
  perspective and feeling some emotion in favor of
  the other person based on their perspective.
  Does not require agreement.
• At the heart of family pain is misunderstanding

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• Expectations are the foundation for bias
• Concept of psychological air
• Empathetic listening is an emotional deposit

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Seek First to Understand Empathetic listening

• Ignoring
• Pretend listening
• Selective listening
• Attentive listening
• Empathetic listening

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Principles of Empathetic Listening

• Must be able to reflect back to the person what
  you have heard the person say (not canned or
  staged) (mirroring, reflecting, summarizing)
• Ask questions that are not advise-giving or have
  a moral overtone emotionally neutral
  non-judgmental
• Eye contact, body language important (part of
  mirroring)

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• Involves trust
• Involves quality and quantity of time

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Then Be Understood

• Must give feedback or else others will not know
  your perspective
• Feedback should be helpful, not response out of
  anger
• Separate the person from the behavior
• Watch for blind spots areas of extreme
  sensitivity

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• Use I messages
• Remember that each person in the family is
  dealing with personality, temperament, knowledge,
  developmental stages