Divorce Mediation

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Divorce Mediation

• And the Concept of Empowerment and Women

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What is Mediation?

• Parties in mediation design their own outcomes,
  creating a unique and personalized agreement that
  is not mandated by an uninterested third party
  such as a judge. The agreement is the observable
  and tangible effect of the parties process of
  self-determination and empowerment (Bailey
  Robbins, 2005).

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According to Christopher W. Camplair and Arnold
L. Stolberg (1990)

• Proponents of mediation argue that the
  cooperative self-determined processes of
  mediations for resolving disputes, minimizes the
  reduction in family functioning that often
  follows divorce (Robinson and Parkinson, 1985).
• Mediation gives parents the rights and
  responsibilities to determine the nature of the
  post divorce family.
• Success in mediation may be linked to the content
  and importance of the disputes and to the
  willingness to compromise.

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Issues that can be mediated

• child custody arrangements
• child support
• spousal support
• property settlement
• Couples may chose to mediate all OR some issues.

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Mediation Advertisement Video

• Blurb
• Since 1993, our website has assisted millions of
  people find their way through the divorce
  process. The Divorce Without War program has
  been the subject of many TV, radio and print
  articles including the Wall Street Journal on
  January 20, 2003, dealing with divorce and
  alternatives to the adversary process.
• Divorce Without War

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Mediation can help you

• Have a voice
• Take the long view (look at future rather than
  past)
• Work together
• Learn about childrens needs and co-parenting
• Recognize your own grief and how it causes anger

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Camplair and Stolberg (1990)

• When visitation was mutually agreed on as the
  most troubling dispute, dispute resolution was
  achieved in all cases. When the common issue was
  either child support or custody, success was less
  frequent.

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In Cambodia after 18 years of marriage this
couple mediated their own divorce.
The other half of the house, the husband took
with him.
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Mediation vs. Litigation

• Emery, Matthews, and Kitzmann (1994) found that
  fathers who mediated custody issues reported a
  higher feeling of control over the decision than
  those who litigated.
• However, no difference in feeling of control was
  found for mothers who mediated or litigated.
  Mothers who litigated reported winning what they
  wanted, while those who mediated reported losing
  what they wanted. (What could that mean?)

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Empowerment defined by Bailey Robbins, 2005

• This dimension of empowerment is intangible it
  is an internalized attitude that results in a
  personal feeling that one possesses the ability
  to control ones life (Rappaport, 1984).
• empowerment can be defined as the parties
  shaping of their divorce agreement.
• Are men and women truly empowered when working
  with a mediator even when it is mandated
  mediation?
• I would argue men are and most women arent by
  their very nature as caretaker.

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In Reality

• Mediation saves the court time and money
• Mediation has become a big business with
  mediators charging as much as 200.00 an hour.
  (see example)
• Mediation isnt always legally binding.

• How is it empowering if it is mandatory? Does it
  truly empower the women?

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Mediation and Empowerment

• The claim that mediation is empowering has been
  debated in the literature, especially in
  considering issues related to the difference in
  peoples knowledge of financial affairs
  (Gangel-Jacob, 1995), lack of legal
  representation in mediation sessions (Mazza,
  1992), and mediation that is mandatory (Grillo,
  1991 Kotyk, 1997).
• Mediators may even try to push what the courts
  would decide as what the couple should decide.

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More Reality

• Mandatory mediation does not mean mandatory
  settlement.
• Child custody and visitation in California is
  directly related to child support, thus making it
  in some cases about the money, not the kids.
• If you have 49-51 shared custody you pay less
  support than a 20-70 split.

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Trina Grillo presents dangers for women in
mediation.

• Sees mediation as perpetuating the subordinate
  role of women in society.
• Sees the restriction of not being able to show
  anger to be unhealthy and detrimental to women as
  that same anger may have been what led the woman
  to find the strength to divorce the man.
• Grillo argues that anger, while powerful, need
  not be dangerous or destructive. By exploring
  their anger, parties may develop a better
  understanding of their own selves, and of their
  own wants and needs which is a key route to
  empowerment and improved self-understanding.
  Grillo sees anger as way to get clarity and
  strength.

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To be or not to beangry

• Grillo sees women as either having to hide their
  anger and be a peace maker, or
• Show their anger and be labeled a bitch. Grillo
  describes bitchiness as descriptive of women who
  express anger with ease, is characterized by
  "ineffective fighting, complaining, and blaming
  that leads to no constructive resolution.
• What do you call a man who shows his anger?

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Additionally

• Women are at a disadvantage in mediation because
  they are expected to be the weaker meeker sex.
• Gilligan (1982, p. 17) described the womans role
  in a patriarchal society as that of nurturer,
  caretaker, and helpmate, and the weaver of those
  networks of relationships on which she in turn
  relies.

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Peace not War

• Grillo gives women the stereotypical role of
  peacekeeper, responsible for keeping harmony in
  the family. This role may put women at a
  disadvantage in mediation where they will put
  keeping the peace above their own needs.

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Issues of Domestic Violence are not addressed

• Pearson, J (1997)
• With domestic violence estimated to be a factor
  in at least half of all court cases and only 5
  of the cases being excluded from mediation due to
  domestic violence and power imbalance, mediation
  in relation to domestic violence needs to be
  further examined.
• Especially since mediators may not be
  acknowledging it.
• Mediators regard a report of domestic violence
  to be an unreliable indicator of power imbalance
  or incapacity to mediate and view power as more
  complex and fluid (p. 324).

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Mediators

• Focus on the present and future
• Dont see Domestic Violence as a reason to limit
  a parents access to children. (Not always)

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Special needs for mediators regarding Domestic
Violence

• There needs to be more screening for domestic
  violence prior to mediation to ensure the safety
  and well being of all individuals.
• Special training for mediators have in regards to
  domestic violence. In spotting it and in dealing
  with it).

It isnt always so apparent.
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Do I think mediation should be an option for
cases that contain Domestic Violence?

• My opinion Absolutely not.
• Victims of domestic violence minimize what
  happens to them. They often make excuses for the
  abuser. They may not even report that domestic
  violence even exists. They often feel sorry for
  the abuser.

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Options besides Mediation and Litigation
DONT get a DIVORCE, STAY MARRIED
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And finally.If you think your man is thinking
about divorce

• when Men want divorce