Answer each question by imagining what someone who knows you well would say about you' Dont try to d

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Assertive Behaviour Hand out How Assertive Are
You?
Answer each question by imagining what someone
who knows you well would say about you. Dont
try to distort the answers. Write in what you
think is the truth and not what youd like to be
the truth!
Assign a number to each statement according to
the following scale 1 Very Rarely 2
Occasionally 3 Sometimes 4 Often 5
All the time
1. You ask others to do things without feeling
guilty or anxious 2. When someone asks you to
do something you dont want to do, you say no
without feeling guilty or anxious 3. You are
comfortable when speaking to a large group of
people 4. You confidently express your honest
opinions to authority figures
(e.g. your manager) 5. You are
comfortable speaking out in a group 6. If you
disagree wit the majority opinion in a meeting
you can stick to your guns without feeling
uncomfortable or being abrasive 7. You tell
others when their behaviour creates a problem for
you 8. Meeting new people socially is something
you do with ease 9. When considering
undertaking something you have never done before
you feel comfortable you can learn to do it 10.
You believe that your needs are as important as
those of others and that you are entitled to have
your needs satisfied.
TOTAL
SCORE (Max score is 50)
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How Assertive Are You?
The first step towards becoming more assertive is
to recognise your own strengths and weaknesses.
Nobody is 100 assertive in every situation that
they encounter. Did you answer all the questions
HONESTLY? You might like to check by giving it to
someone else to say what they think of you.
Otherwise look at the following chart to see
what your score tells you about yourself 40-50
You are consistently assertive in most
situations 25-39 You are fairly assertive,
but you encounter some situations where you could
benefit from being more
assertive 10-24 You are occasionally
assertive, but your natural inclination is to be
aggressive or non-assertive 0-9 You are
very rarely assertive, and would benefit greatly
from learning how to be more assertive
Remember these three golden rules about
assertiveness 1. Assertiveness is not a cure for
all ills 2. Its not necessary to be assertive
all the time 3. It's very difficult to change
your basic personality
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Assertive Behaviour
Non assertive behaviour Is passive and indirect.
By being non-assertive we communicate to other
people that we are not as important as they are.
We allow the other persons needs, wants and
rights to take priority over our own.
Non-assertive behaviour leads to people feeling
like victims, likely to suffer from a loss of
self esteem and increasing frustration It causes
lose-win situations ie the non-assertive
person loses out by letting the other person
win. Aggressive behaviour Is sometimes the
complete opposite of non-assertive behaviour, but
it is usually more complex than that. Aggressive
behaviour can be honest or dishonest, intended or
unintended, active or passive, direct or indirect
but it always communicates an impression of
superiority. It is saying that my needs, wants
and rights are more important than the other
persons. The aggressive person attempts to
overpower the other person by not allowing
him/her a choice. Aggressive behaviour creates a
win-lose situation ie the aggressive person
wins by ensuring that the other person
loses. Aggressive behaviour may lead to later
retaliation, because nobody really likes a
bully. Assertive behaviour Is active, honest and
direct. It communicates an impression of respect
for oneself as well as for the other person.
It says that my wants, needs and rights are just
as important as yours are not more so or less
so. Assertive behaviour requires influencing,
listening, negotiating and being clear so that
the other person feels that their point of view
is being respected, even if ultimately you dont
agree with it. The hope is that both you and
they will co-operate willingly with whatever
course of action is decided upon. This should
lead to open, honest relationships and success
without retaliation a win-win
situation. Maintains relationships with others,
while at the same time making good progress
towards achieving aims.
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Saying No
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Empathise
I do appreciate that you need this information
urgently
Clarify
I am really snowed under just now.
Options
What you could do is hang on till this
afternoon, or call Sam in finance, she may be
able to help.. ...
Follow with a True Response Question e.g. Is
that ok?
Quickest Easiest Best
The best thing for you to do would be to hang
on till I have finished this report or The
quickest way to organise that for you would be
to contact Sam
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Power Words
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How to give Assertive Instructions
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How to Use I statements
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How to Use I statements
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How to receive a Compliment
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How to Get Your Point Across
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How to deal with Negative Comments
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Take Action
Where are you now? Explain the situation you
want to approach differently, how do you
currently deal with it? Where do you want to
be? / What do you want to achieve? How are
you going to do it? What technique(s) are you
going to try to help you? By when? What
barriers might prevent you achieving your goal?
What support do you need (if any)? How are you
going to make sure you achieve it?
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Changing Behaviour Advice

• Expect surprise and even opposition
• It has taken a lifetime to get you to behave the
  way you do now, so wont change overnight.
• Those who are close to you will not expect your
  behaviour to change. There may be others who
  have a vested interest in keeping you
  non-assertive or aggressive.
• By the inch its a cinch but by the yard it is
  very hard
• It is unwise to set yourself too ambitious
  targets
• Go for small increments of change and build on
  them.
• Expect failure and use it
• Failure is part of change. When you try anything
  new, but especially behaviour, it is unlikely
  that you will get it right first time. Youll
  get it wrong before you get it right. Be both
  realistic and resilient when you fail. If at
  first you dont succeed, try harder.
• Allow for slippage
• When you squeeze a ball you create an
  indentation, but when you stop the ball reverts
  to its original shape.
• Human behaviour is just like that ball it will
  revert to its old comfortable ways. So expect
  slippage, but do not give in to it.
• It takes time
• Behaviour changes slowly. Crash diets or crash
  exercises do not work nor do crash behaviour
  changes.
• Just think about the simple skill of learning to
  drive, with the hours of instruction and practice
  it requires.
• To become assertive takes just as much time and
  effort, perhaps even more.

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Changing Behaviour Advice
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Assertiveness Bill of rights I have the right
to state my own needs and set my own priorities
as a person independent of any roles that I may
assume in my life. I have the right to be treated
with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal
human being. I have the right to express my
feelings. I have the right to express my own
opinions and values. I have the right to say
yes and no for myself. I have the right to
make mistakes. I have the right to change my
mind. I have the right to say I dont
understand I have the right to ask for what I
want. I have the right to decline responsibility
for other peoples problems. I have the right to
deal with others without being dependant on them
for approval. From Dickson, Anne A woman in
your own right assertiveness and you Quartet
Books, London, 1982