Quizzes

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Quizzes
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Find out by answering the questions on the next
pages and then add up your score . Good luck!
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1
When the waitress asked whether you wanted rye
or wheat toast, you A)Said "One piece of each,
please, with an entire stick of butter between
them like a sandwich." B)Dropped your fork on
purpose so you could catch a better glimpse of
her ass. C)Started sobbing uncontrollably and
yelled out, "It's so hard. It's so Haaaaaaard!"
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2
The defining moment of your child-hood A)Was
every afternoon at 2, when mom would read you a
story just before nap-time. B)Was you convinced
your 16 year-old babysitter that you had a
snakebite on your penis and needed her to suck
out the venom. C)Causes night terrors now that
it is no longer repressed under the comforting
cloud of denial.
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You pay your phone bill A)On time every
month. B)With a back-dated check. C)By mailing
20 packs of cigarettes to Bell Canada.
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6
To increase your household income,
you A)Started clipping coupons. B)Sublet your
two car garage to be an elegant and spacious
opium den. C)Have a promotion at your house
where anytime a home run goes over the roof,
everyone in the neighborhood gets a free Big Mac
Extra Value Meal.
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5
Last night's lead story on your top-rated
newscast was about A)The war with Iraq. B)The
stock market and how you really don't understand
how it works. C)How the new sandwiches at Subway
have 25 more meat and come with a bag of chips
and small soft drink for only 2.99.
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Your idea of "a few friends getting together" is
A) Intellectual debate as to what each of you
can do to help save the Star Trek franchise.
B)A night of "Acid Pictionary" with your
special Electric Kool-Aid. C)When you and your
friends are brought in for a police line-up.
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9
If you noticed that your house was on fire, you
would A)Immediately run out to the store for
hotdogs and the ingredients for your famous
S'mores. B)Yell "FIRE" at the top of your lungs
because the phone is all the way up two flights
of stairs. C)Pull a blanket up over your nose to
filter out the smoke and turn up the TV to drown
out the sirens.
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10
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The incident which has caused the most friction
in your marriage was when you A)Accidentally
bought your wife two gold necklaces in the same
week. B)Didn't pick your kids up from school
during the World Series because "they can figure
out how to get home." C)Bought your wife a
vibrator for her birthday and announced that you
had retired from sex.
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In the morning, before getting up for work,
you A) Down an entire bottle of Listerine to
mask the stench of having spent the night
eating your own fecal matter. B)Hit the snooze
alarm, and save time by taking a "dry bath." C)
See the clock change from 1159am to 12PM.
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12
When your boss reads over your latest data
report, he is A)Delighted to find
Hemingway-quality prose from someone who is not
nearly as big of a drunk. B)Confused at how you
were still able to write every "s" and "e"
backwards while using a computer. C)Angry at
your decision to forgo words in favor of stick
figure drawings acting out the important parts.
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13
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You moved to Pakistan because A)You felt an
obligation to do your part in The War on
Terrorism. B)Their government won't keep bugging
you about your twelve wives. C)It'll be nice to
finally have an excuse for not being able to
comprehend any written words.
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You will die from smoking because A)Harmful
carcinogens are lodged in your arteries. B)You'll
set yourself ablaze with a book of matches after
not knowing to "close cover before
striking." C)You thought that the enormous
Surgeon General's Warning on every pack simply
stated that smoking was a good way to lose weight.
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15
The last meal you ate was A)A grilled
cheese. B)Clams Casino. C)Your windsheild at 60
MPH.
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16
Your last sexual partner was A)An Elvis
impersonator who insisted on calling you Lisa
Marie. B)A masochist who had to drip hot wax on
your eyelids to get aroused. C)A necropheliac
committing a felony.
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15
The last group you saw live in concert
was A)Michael Bolton and John Tesh's "Apology
Tour 2001." B)L'il Bow Wow live at the
Forum. C)Jimi Hendrix and Tupac opening for
Beethoven.
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16
It took you a day to recover from A)A 24-hour
flu. B)The embarrassment caused by somebody
pointing out your yellow skin color. C)Being
shot in the face with a cannon from two inches
away.
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Your lunch hour A)Is right after your morning
nap and right before your afternoon
nap. B)Includes a fully catered meal on the
company dime. C)Is only fifteen minutes long and
is deducted from your pay.
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Company Holidays A)Are a blessing after your
grueling four-day work week. B)Make it much more
difficult for you to stalk that redhead in
accounting. C)Are a myth just like femal
ejaculation.
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Add up all your points As are worth 1, Bs are
worth 2 and Cs are worth 3.
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15-25 points You are so far removed from this
world 26-34 points While you don't put
yourself out there, you are most likely available
for the right price or sexual favors. 35-45
points You need medical help.
R.T.