COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE Romantic Love, Real Love And

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Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of
Relationships
COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE

• Lecture 21a

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KEY EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP

• Experience a mysterious and inexplicable "magic"
  in one another's presence.

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FALLING IN LOVE

• SEX-LINKED EROTIC EXPERIENCE -THE CHEMICAL
  COCKTAIL.
• EFFORTLESS -TALK IS EASY
• COLLAPSE OF EGO BOUNDARIES ALWAYS PASSES
• NO EXTENSION OF SELF - NO REACHING BEYOND GOOD
  FEELING

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The Language of Romantic Love

• The Phenomena of
• Recognition
• Weve just met, but I feel like I already know
  you.
• Timelessness
• Feels like Ive always known you.
• Reunification
• When Im with you I feel complete. Ive found my
  other half.
• Necessity
• I cant lie without you.
• H. Hendrix, getting the Love You Want

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Romantic Love is an emotional brain Phenomena

• Falling in love
• Emotional brain - fuses image of lover with
  primary caretaker
• Intimate love is the ultimate in caretaking
• Illusion of safety and security
• Total absorption
• Instinctual bonding
• The way a mother bonds with infant
• Not the same as mature or real love
• That requires consciousness

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REAL LOVE (COMMITMENT) SCOTT PECK

• THE WILL TO EXTEND ONESELF FOR THE PURPOSE OF
  NURTURING ONES OWN OR ANOTHERS SPIRITUAL GROWTH
• TIES SELF-LOVE WITH LOVE FOR OTHER
• REQUIRES EFFORT - D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.
• ACT OF MINDFULNESS -WILL, CHOICE

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MYTH OF ROMANTIC LOVE

• THERE IS ANOTHER MEANT FOR YOU - TRUE LOVE
• RECOGNITION OF THIS OTHER -YOU FALL IN LOVE
• PERFECT MATCH - SATISFY EACH OTHER FOREVER
• FALL OUT OF LOVE - DREADFUL MISTAKE
• SEARCH AGAIN
• CULTURAL BURDEN

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MASS MEDIA AND ROMANCE

• TRADITIONAL FORMULA
• THE ENCOUNTER COURTSHIP
• THE CONFRONTATION LOVERS QUARREL
• THE SEDUCTION SEXUAL- INTELLECTUAL
• CONFESSION OF LOVE AFTER FIGHTING
• MARRIAGE NO DRAMA AFTER THIS
• REALITY TV HAS IMPROVED ON THIS SITUATION -
  THROUGH SHOWS LIKE JESSICA AND NICK or DR.
  PHIL
• WHERE THE DRAMA IS IN THEIR INCOMPETENCE RE
  DAILY LIFE SKILLS

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LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS

• 1. COMING TOGETHER
• 5 SUB-STAGES
• 2. COMING APART
• 5 SUB-STAGES
• MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS

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Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of
Relationships
COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE

• Lecture 21b

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LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS

• COMING TOGETHER
• ANSWERING THE THREE KEY QUESTIONS
• REDUCING UNCERTAINTY

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THE THREE KEY QUESTIONS

• Whats going on?
• The purpose of the talk, are we going to get
  through this conversation smoothly?
• . Who am I to you and who are you to me in this
  situation?
• Particularly noticeable at moments like the first
  time you meet someone
• We let others know about the kind of people we
  are and how they are (in our eyes)
• What is going to happen next?
• Are we going to do something together
  (instrumental), or simply connect in the moment
  (relational). Discovering what we are going to
  do next also shapes our communication in the
  moment.

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LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS

• COMING TOGETHER
• 1. INITIATING
• INVITATIONAL COMMUNICATION SCAN EACH OTHER FOR
  INTEREST - WATCH RESPONSE
• CONNECT TALK RITUAL CONVERSATION STARTERS
• CAUTIOUS VS. CONVENTIONAL - AR

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LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS

• 2. EXPERIMENTING
• TRY DIFFERENT TOPICS - CONNECT TALK-LOOKING FOR
• SIMILARITIES - SOMETHING IN COMMON
• ANY PERCEIVED RECIPROCITY OF LIKING
• 3. INTENSIFYING
• INCREASE RELATIONSHIP DEPTH THRU PERSONAL
  KNOWLEDGE - self-disclosure - opening box 3
• PHYSICAL CLOSENESS
• CREATING A PRIVATE CULTURE

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LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS

• 4. INTEGRATING
• THEY AND OTHERS CONSIDERS THEM A COUPLE
• SYMBOLIC ID - RING, OUR SONG, PLACE
• VALUE MORE OF SAME THINGS, FOCUS ON SOME PARTS OF
  PERSONALITY-MINIMIZE OTHERS
• REINFORCES THE CONSISTENCY PRINCIPLE The more we
  communicate with someone similar to us on the
  surface, the more similar we become to them in
  deeper ways, e.g. in our attitudes towards
  particular issues.
• WE ARE CREATING AN US
• CAN LEAD TO A COMMITMENT TO PERMANENCY
• 5. BONDING
• FORMAL RITUALS -ENGAGEMENT, MARRIAGE, LIVE
  TOGETHER
• GAIN SOCIAL SUPPORT - ESTABLISH RELATIONSHIP
  RULES

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LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS

• COMING APART
• 1. DIFFERENTIATING
• NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES

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TALKING ABOUT COMING APART
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Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of
Relationships
COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE

• Lecture 21c

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LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS

• COMING APART
• 1. DIFFERENTIATING
• NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES

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TALKING ABOUT COMING APART
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COMING APART REVIEW OF KEY FACTORS

• UNRESOLVED TENSIONS
• AUTONOMY/CONNECTION
• SHARING OF SPACE VS.DISTANCE TO MAINTAIN
  INDIVIDUAL IDENTITY
• NOVELTY/PREDICTABILITY
• BALANCE ROUTINE WITH NEW EXPERIENCES
• OPENNESS/CLOSENESS
• SHARED THOUGHTS
• SHATTERED EXPECTATIONS
• 1. TRUST
• 2. INTIMACY
• 3. ACCEPTANCE
• 4. SUPPORT
• 5. PRACTICAL ASSISTANCE

• INCOMPLETE SELF DISCLOSURE
• AREAS OF SELF OPEN, HIDDEN, BLIND, UNKNOWN
• PROBLEMATIC FIGHTING STYLES
• VOICES USED
• PARENT, CHILD, ADULT
• TYPE OF TALK
• LIGHT - HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. - ACTIVE VS.
  PASSIVE
• D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.
• CONFLICT RESOLUTION
• Forcing-Accommodation-Avoidance-Compromise-Collabo
  ration

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LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS

• COMING APART
• 1. DIFFERENTIATING
• NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES

• COUPLE NEEDS SPACE SO,
• FIGHTING INCREASES
• MORE USE OF MUTUAL HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L.

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HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L
0. L.
RIGHTEOUS ANGER
RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION
OVERT AGGRESSION PUT DOWN LABEL MINDREAD COMMA
ND VENT-YELL DEMAND THREATEN CRITICIZE RIDICULE US
E SARCASM LIE
OVERT PASSIVE AGRESSIVE
R.

H E A V Y
INTENSE COMPLAINT DISQUALIFY
WORDS WHINE PLAY MARTYR WITHHOLD DENY PUT DOWN
SELF GIVE EXCUSES PROCRASTINATE

LAY BLAME
LAY BLAME
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THREE KEY QUESTIONS RENEGOTIATING THE ANSWERS

• Question number two is key
• Who am I to you and who are you to me in this
  situation?
• Youre not the person I married.I thought I
  knew? Whats happened to you I thought you
  liked my cooking, mother, father, ideas on..
  When did you start getting interested in .
• Whats going on?
• What do you meanyou need your space?
• What are we really talking about here?.
• REMEMBER, HEAVY CONTROL IS ABOUT INTENTION,
  TRUTH, BLAME.
• What is going to happen next?
• Are we going on together or not? Are we
  adjusting, changing, struggling some more,
  leaving?

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LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS

• COMING APART
• 2. CIRCUMSCRIBING
• REDUCE FREQUENCY- INTIMACY OF COMMUNICATION
• HOT TOPICS AVOIDED TO REDUCE FIGHTS
• INCREASED FORMALITY
• 3. STAGNATING
• HOLDING ON FOR OTHER REASONS
• RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED

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THE MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE

• Repeated
• Complaining and criticizing leads to
• Contempt, which leads to
• Defensiveness, which leads to
• Listener Withdrawal from interaction
  (stonewalling).
• See Gottman in Additional Reading 15

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MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE Flooding and
Contempt
VIDEO EXAMPLE
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MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE Flooding and
Contempt
VIDEO EXAMPLE
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LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS

• COMING APART
• 3. STAGNATING
• HOLDING ON FOR OTHER REASONS
• RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED

• 4. AVOIDING
• PHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL SEPARATION
• SEEK SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS/FAMILY
• 5. TERMINATING
• LONGER THE RELATIONSHIP MORE PAINFUL
• SPECIFIC SEPARATION MESSAGES

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MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS

• PROSOCIAL BEHAVIORS
• POLITE, CHEERFUL, FRIENDLY AVOID CRITICISM
• COMPROMISE EVEN WHEN IT INVOLVES SELF-SACRIFICE.
• TALKING ABOUT A SHARED FUTURE
• CEREMONIAL BEHAVIORS
• CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS,ANNIVERSARIES
• DISCUSSING PAST PLEASURABLE TIMES
• EAT AT FAVORITE RESTAURANT

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MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS

• TOGETHERNESS BEHAVIORS
• DOING THINGS AS A COUPLE, JOINT ACTIVITIES,
• CONTROL EXTERNAL-TO-RELATIONSHIP ACTIVITIES
• COMMUNICATION BEHAVIORS
• CALL JUST TO SAY, "HOW ARE YOU?"
• LISTENING ACTIVELY, USING D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ABOUT
  SHARED FEELINGS, ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE
  RELATIONSHIP.
• RESPOND CONSTRUCTIVELY IN A CONFLICT FAIR
  FIGHTING

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Four Effective Problem-Solving Skills in a
Long-Term Relationship

• Physiological soothing
• Basic to all other skills
• Calming self
• Softened start-up
• Descriptive I-Messages
• Open Acknowledgement
• Repair and De-escalation
• Metacommunication
• Accepting influence
• Compromise
• Based on common ground
• See Textbook

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