Communicating with your teenager

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Communicating with your teenager

• Wendy Craig, Ph.D.,
• Department of Psychology
• Queens University
• Kingston, Ontario
• craigw_at_post.queensu.ca
• Website http//psyc.queensu.ca/craigw/Presentat
  ions.htm

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Adolescent TransitionsSetting the Stage

• Biological changes associated with puberty
• Cognitive changes
• Apply formal logic, adolescent ego-centricism,
  decision making
• Identity and identity experimentation
• Autonomy, independence, and self-reliant
• Changes in conformity
• Social Transitions
• Parent-Child relationship (conflict, intimacy)
• Increase importance of Friendships

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CommunicationWhat is it?

• Communication comes from the Latin communis which
  means common.
• Process of establishing something "in common"
  with another.
• Effective communication means
• Message sent message received
• Shared understanding of what is being
  communicated.
• Parents and children communicate from the moment
  of birth in a never-ending process.
• Much of communication is non-verbal
• Tone of voice, gestures, facial expressions,body
  posture.

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Parent and Youth Stress

• Arguments and conflicts over homework, curfew,
  clothing, music, hairstyles, rules, eating
  habits, friends.
• Requests for even more - perhaps too much? -
  independence.
• Exaggerating issues of fairness, catastrophizing,
  all-or-none thinking, down-putting.
• Feelings of loss as teens gain independence and
  move away from the family.
• Effect is to
• Challenges to parental authority
• BUT
• Teenagers value the "open line" even though they
  will not always make use of it.
• Timing is important.

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A Typical Interaction

• Parent 'Please take out the trash.'
• Teen 'OK.'
• .....one hour later......
• Parent 'I thought I asked you to take out the
  trash?
• Teen 'You didn't say I had to do it now.'
• The parent felt that the teen should have known
  that they meant now.

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If that was not familiar.

• Teen 'I have my first band practice today after
  school.'
• Parent 'That sounds like fun.'
• ...the teen walks in the door at 630...after
  dinner....
• Parent 'Where were you?'
• Teen 'Band practice.
• Parent 'You didn't say you were not going to be
  here for dinner.
• Teen 'Practice always gets over at 615.'
• The teen felt the parent should have known when
  practice was over.

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Do Youth think Parents are Easy to Talk to?
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I have a lot of arguments with my parents
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My Parents Understand Me
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What my parents think of me is important
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My Parents Trust Me
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Do I Talk TO my Teen?

• Parents who talk to teens are often
• Reminding, threatening, blaming, questioning,
  ordering or judging.
• This style is used to pressure teens into doing
  something parents want them to do.
• Effect is decreased communication.
• How would you feel if someone constantly
  threatened, criticized or lectured you?

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Do I Talk WITH my Teen?

• Parents who talk with teenagers listen.
• Make a point of listening to what teens are
  thinking, feeling or wanting to do.
• Understand and accept teens' points of view.
• Respect.
• But be not afraid to express own views or share
  feelings and concerns.
• The relationship between parents and teens is
  often highly emotional.
• Their relationship is changing, and both parents
  and teens want to be heard, understood and
  accepted.

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LISTEN!!!

• The most common cause of frustration, confusion
  and unhappiness between parents and teenagers is
  failure to listen.
• Think back to the last time fought with teen.
• "Why don't you let me finish what I'm saying?
• "You don't understand you just don't care!"
• "I don't care what you think!"
• "Because I said so, that's why!"
• "If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred
  times...!
• "Oh, Mother...!"

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How to Listen to your Teen

• Be attentive.
• Turn off the TV, stop cooking, cleaning or
  whatever you're doing.
• Acknowledge.
• Show you understand what your teen is saying by
  nodding, giving one-word responses or by
  repeating what he or she has just said.
• Avoid interrupting.
• Provide an opportunity to say it.
• Many teens give up on talking to their parents
  because, unintentionally, their parents don't
  allow it.

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Still Listening

• Encourage talk.
• "You sound worried/excited about that. Am I
  right?"
• "What do you think is going on?"
• "What is your gut telling you to do?"
• Empathize.
• Put yourself in your teen's shoes.
• Do you remember what it was like when you were a
  teen?

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How to Talk to your Teen

• Be genuine.
• Say less.
• Convey warmth and openness.
• Hear the youth out" rather than to "stop them
  in their tracks"
• Listen carefully and make an effort to understand
  the teen's perspective.
• Rephrase and clarify what the teen said.
• Repeat it in your own words to check out
  whether or not you understood correctly .
• Acknowledge the teen's thoughts and feelings.
  (Not necessary agree but recognize
• Offer your own feelings and thoughts on the
  matter.

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How to Talk to your Teen

• Be genuine.
• Say less.
• Convey warmth and openness.
• Hear the youth out" rather than to "stop them
  in their tracks
• Show respect.
• Understanding matters, not necessarily agreeing.
• Modeling decision making and creating tools.
• Respect differences.
• Listen carefully and make an effort to understand
  the teen's perspective.
• Rephrase and clarify what the teen said.
• Repeat it in your own words to check out
  whether or not you understood correctly .
• Acknowledge the teen's thoughts and feelings.
• Offer your own feelings and thoughts on the
  matter.

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Still Talking

• Use "I" statements.
• "I like the way you handled that situation."
• "I am concerned about what you're saying
  happened."
• Use specific statements when giving feedback.
• "I think it's great that you earned a "B" in
  algebra" rather than "You're a great student."
• "I think you made a mistake by drinking with Roy
  last night," rather than "You're a drunk and
  can't seem to change."
• Whenever possible, avoid vague, general feedback
  statements that can hurt, increase hopelessness,
  and leave too much room for misunderstanding.
• Work together and be supportive.
• Look for common ground.
• Be brief and avoid lecturing.
• The 30 second gauge.

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Challenges of Parenting a Teen

• Most of the time I feel like we do not speak the
  same language
• We use to have wonderful talks
• Now he/she does not tell me anything
• No matter how hard I try-my teen says
• I just dont understand
• I am always criticizing

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Strategies

• Tone of voice
• Listen
• Provide acknowledgement, support, and empathy
• Not always looking for an opinion
• Be self-disclosing
• Offer constructive suggestions
• Watch for opportunities to offer input
• Designated family times
• Creating the peer friendly house

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Creating Time Together

• Driving
• Talks have to be meaningful
• Asking the right questions
• What doing, enjoyment, who with, plans
• Go to where he/she is
• Stopping by her/his room
• Plan an outing together
• Talk daily
• Write notes
• Use humour

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Door Openers versus Door Slammers

• Door Openers are open-ended responses that do not
  convey evaluation or judgment.
• Door Slammers are just the opposite.
• Convey to your teenager that you do not wish to
  have this discussion with them.
• Recognize difference between need for control and
  nurturing independence.
• Keeping lines of communication open.
• Worried because I care about you versus you are
  grounded.
• Recognize your emotion.

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Good Communication is Two-Way Communication

• Giving clear messages can help you get results on
  issues like household chores and rudeness.
• If your messages are clear, your teen is more
  likely to listen.
• Listening actively shows that you are supportive
  when the teen has a problem.
• How you listen actually has more impact on your
  child than what you say.

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When things go wrong3 Steps

• Step One Know Who Owns the Problem
• When it is your problem, the youths behavior is
  having a negative effect on you.
• When your teen uses offensive language or is rude
  to you, it's a problem for you.
• When it is your teen's problem, something has
  happened that has upset him/her.
• It may be something you are doing or something
  outside of your control.
• Active listening will make it easier for your
  teen to tell you how he/she sees the problem.
• By being supportive, you will be in a better
  position to help and guide.

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Step Two When it is Your Problem, Give Clear
Messages

• Be specific about the unacceptable behaviors
• Be clear about what behaviors are okay and which
  ones are not okay.
• Be specific about the emotional impact of the
  behavior on you
• "I feel frustrated by"
• In spite of how they misbehaves, your teen wants
  to please you and want approval.
• Be specific about the consequences of the
  behavior
• "because it makes more work for me to pick them
  up.
• Knowing how his/her behavior impacts people helps
  your teen learn to get along with others.
• Be specific about what you need
• "Put clothes in the hamper when you take them
  off."
• Be clear that there will be consequences, if no
  follow through in the future.
• Bottom Line When it is a parent's problem, don't
  expect the teen to own it.

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When things go WrongStep 3

• When it is the Teen's Problem, Listen Actively
• Listen and let your teen know that you care what
  he/she feels.
• Listening builds relationship.
• Model good listening skills, it is more likely
  that your teen will use good listening skills
  with you.
• Listen actively
• Give your full attention.
• Do not interrupt.
• Pay attention to body language and tone of voice.
  
• Actions speak louder than words.
• Ask open-ended questions
• Bottom Line When it is a problem for your teen,
  listen and try to influence his/her decisions.

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Active Listening 3 Components

• Ask good questions.
• Clarify meanings
• "I hear you saying you are frustrated with
  Johnny, is that right?"
• Learn about other's thoughts, feelings, and
  wants
• "Tell me more about your ideas for the project."
• Encourage elaboration
• "What happened next?" or "How did that make you
  feel?"
• Encourage discovery
• "What do you feel your options are at this
  point?"
• Gather more facts and details
• "What happened before this fight took place?"

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Active ListeningParaphrasing

• It is restating the information you just received
  to make sure you understand it.
• Helps make sure the message is understood
  correctly.
• Draws further information.
• Lets know that his or her parents have heard them
  and are interested.
• Allows the teen an opportunity to correct any
  misunderstanding immediately.

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Active ListeningEmpathizing

• Have the ability to bee able to put yourself in
  your teen's shoes.
• Empathizing does not mean
• You agree with your teen.
• You need to give in to your teen, allow her or
  her to set his or her own rules --to avoid
  confrontation.
• Empathy occurs when
• Your body language and tone match
• Your tone and your feelings match
• You are focused on what your teen is saying and
  meaning
• You are trying to see things from your teen's
  point of view.

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Communication Tips

• Teens are emotional.
• Tell them about positive behavior, too. Youth
  need to hear when they are doing well too.
• Be the adult in the situation- Don't let anger
  get the best of you Anger almost always
  escalates.
• Some teens look for ways to bring out their
  parent's anger, because it can shut down
  conversations.
• Pick your battle times. Sometimes the situation
  is too emotionally charged to continue.
• It is okay to stop the discussion.
• If possible, do it before the end of the day.
• Show your affection.

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Parent Support

• Parenting is the hardest job.
• Seek advice and others experience.
• Raising a child requires a village-
• You are not the only one experiencing raising an
  adolescence.

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Remember!!!!!

• Parents are important.
• Teens need parents to help them understand the
  intricacies of personal relationships and what
  limits are advised in relationships and with
  risky behaviors.
• Parents will always be their child's first and
  foremost teacher.
• Parents need to provide support and structure to
  the lives of their teens.
• The more you listen to your teen, the more he or
  she will listen to you.
• Relationships form the foundation for healthy
  development.