Blending Families

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Blending Families!

• Sounds So Simple - But Is It?

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• Mine Yours and Ours. Remember the old movie? It
  was a comedy. In real life, mine yours and ours
  is a very serious matter. Almost half of the
  marriages today involve kids. His kids, her kids
  or both. When a new family is created by marriage
  the biological and the step parents have many
  unanswered questions, many unattended to
  concerns, many fears and the knowledge and
  preparedness to do all within their powers to
  ensure a happy blended family where the kids know
  they belong and are loved and wanted.

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• How do we ensure that our family will indeed
  become blended? You may start with the
  preparation for, and duties at the wedding.
  Involve all the kids and get them as excited as
  you and your future spouse are.

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• At the wedding ceremony exchange family wedding
  vows. Rather than vows only between bride and
  groom, family Wedding vows include all family
  members. That is, the bride, the groom and the
  children. Right after the vows exchange and after
  you exchange gifts, welcome each child to the
  family with a special gift of jewelry. This may
  follow by a FAMILY unity candle ceremony.

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• After the wedding, the most important thing is to
  put your marital relationship first as your
  priority and to stand together regarding rules of
  the household with all of your kids. In each of
  the following situations this may be easier said
  than done.

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Following are a few scenarios for you to consider.

• All the kids live with you,
• Your kids live with you while your spouse's kids
  only visit,
• Your spouse's kids live with you while your kids
  only visit, or
• you have split custody with the other biological
  parents,
• The other biological parent(s) is/are single
• The other biological parent(s) is/are married.

In the latter, most severe situation, your kids
would have up to 6 adults with different ideas
regarding child rearing and discipline, telling
them what to do.
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Potentially, you'll have to deal with
Their transitions to/from different households
with different house rules?

• If there was a divorce, the possibility that the
  "other parent" incites the kids against you
  and/or your spouse.
• If there was death, kids' anger at the parent who
  "left them" and anger at "that Person" who "tries
  to take the place of / replace" the diseased
  parent.
• Being unable or unwilling to compete with the
  "other parent" for affection, by lavishing the
  kids with gifts and "whatever they want" and
  "whatever they do is ok".

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• Kids do not need things, to know they are loved
  and wanted. Kids need a stable nurturing home
  where both parents work together as a parenting
  team and support each other's decisions
  especially regarding home rules, traditions and
  rituals.

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• The main issue for your family is to have both of
  you establish your household rules, traditions
  and rituals. Do so together and in agreement and
  include the kids, especially older kids in
  forming them.

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• Have a family meeting or a kitchen table
  discussion about what members of the family would
  like to do on a regular basis. You might be
  surprised what ideas come up. If reasonable, try
  these suggestions. Allowing kids to contribute
  will make it easier to enforce these household
  rules, traditions and rituals without the danger
  of being seen by the kids as demanding, tough or
  unreasonable.

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• Don't let your rules, traditions and rituals
  waiver, stand together and support each other in
  implementing them. However, remember that as
  children get older and situations change, rituals
  and traditions may need to be adjusted.

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• When actual discipline is needed it should first
  come from the child's own parent and not from the
  stepparent, though the stepparent needs to back
  up their spouse, thus establishing for the
  children a parental and family cohesiveness.

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• Your children need to see and experience the
  strength of your marital relationship, your
  commitment to each other and to them, and the
  strength and stability of your family. They need
  to regain the security of being loved and wanted.
  Security they lost when their biological parents
  divorced or in a case of a parent's death when
  that parent "left them".

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• When you re-marry you have high hopes and often
  see everything through rose-colored glasses. The
  truth is that your second marriage especially
  when either one or both of you have children, is
  much more challenging than the first. As a new
  family, you go through phases.

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• At first, you will experience "the honeymoon
  phase". This is when everyone is on their best
  behavior, excited, happy, giddy, maybe even
  showing off for one another.

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• Then comes the second phase, the "honeymoon is
  over phase". This is when reality sets in and
  members of the blended family begin to realize
  that they don't like something about this one or
  are jealous of that one or are uncomfortable
  with... and on and on.

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• Be prepared for the "honeymoon is over" phase and
  expect hurt feelings, acting out behaviors,
  tears, and anger.
• Now, you are in a stepfamily, struggling for some
  sense of family identity. Don't despair. It is a
  normal progression when two families blend into
  one.

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• Realize that it takes time, patience,
  understanding, respect and a lot of love to
  instill a family cohesiveness and bring up
  self-assured, secure children. Give the kids all
  you have got. Make it a priority to always be
  involved in every aspect of the child's life and
  be there for him or her.

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• If the children are of school age, inquire about
  their day and help them with their schoolwork
  whenever it is needed. Better yet, encourage
  older children to help the younger ones with
  homework.

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• If you can spare the time volunteer to help in
  the kids classes and always make time to be there
  for school, sports, and other activities the kids
  participate in. Your involvement and the
  involvement of all kids in their siblings' life
  will eventually bring bonding and closeness. The
  results will be rewarding and you'll soon forget
  the difficult times.

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• It is very important that you let the children
  know right from the start that respect for both
  parents and all siblings is paramount. Yet, you
  must accept the fact that you may or may not be
  able to develop a parental bond with your
  stepchildren.

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• Let your relationship progress naturally. Do not
  force a parental relationship on them. Do all
  within your power to earn their respect. Having
  achieved this, you start your family blending on
  the right foot.

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• As you strive for a united family, set scheduled
  time for family togetherness. Whether you call it
  family night, family meeting, family chat, be
  sure that everyone is present and that everyone
  shares their experiences, and what is going on in
  their life inside and outside the home.
• Let everyone talk about what is on his or her
  minds and how they feel, without being judged or
  reprimanded.

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• Keep it real simple and age appropriate but do
  establish open communications and let the kids
  know how you feel as well. Reassure the children,
  that this is what a family is and that in your
  family everyone does things for the others. Let
  them know that they are loved and that you care
  for them. Instill in them the realization that
  all you want is for them to grow up in a happy
  home and feel good about themselves and their
  family. Before long, the kids will look forward
  to this time together, as it becomes part of your
  established blended family ritual.

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• As important as family time is, make it clear
  that any child can come to you on a one on one
  whenever they feel the need or want to discuss or
  tell things in private.

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• Bear in mind that children have a past. They also
  have feelings. If these feelings are stifled,
  children may feel that they are being forced into
  a "new" family to replace their "old" family.
  This in turn will bring forth resentment, anger,
  frustration and hurt. Therefore, it is important
  that the children understand that they are
  allowed to hang onto the memories of their
  previous family, remember them with joy, feel
  happy about those times that came before or sad
  that they are no more, and know that it is "OK"
  to recall, remember and even share them aloud
  with each other. Through this sharing, and as
  they get older, they will begin to understand and
  realize that in the "new " family they are
  building new relationships and creating new
  memories, not replacing those they already have.
  Let each child, if age and ability appropriate,
  an opportunity to contribute to the family. Give
  each child tasks and responsibilities. They may
  resent it at the moment but thank you as they
  reach adulthood.

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• So far all seems too serious. It is! But family
  life is not all seriousness! Make time for fun,
  and do so often. Children need individual
  attention. Give each child your undivided
  attention as individuals. Just you and that
  child. Get to know each child yours and your
  spouse's. Give each child opportunities to get to
  know you. With all that, do no ignore each other.
  It is just as important, that you make sure you
  set aside time for each other, to foster your
  love and marital relationship.

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From www.morilybridal.coom

• Maggie Sottero Felisha
• Maggie Sottero Fiona