THE CHALLENGE OF RELATIONAL DEPTH IN THERAPEUTIC WORKING

1
THE CHALLENGE OF RELATIONAL DEPTH IN THERAPEUTIC
WORKING

• March 7, 2009
• This presentation can be downloaded from
  www.davemearns.com

2

• Mearns, D. Cooper, M. (2005). Working at
  Relational Depth in Counselling and
  Psychotherapy. London Sage.
• Mearns, D. Thorne, B. (2007). Person-Centred
  Counselling in Action. (Third Edition) London
  Sage.

3
CONTENTS

• Working at relational depth
• Resonance
• Difficult client process
• Client self-dialogues
• The clients existential process
• The therapists developmental agenda
• Existential touchstones
• Exploration of our own touchstones
• Working with Rick

4

• WORKING AT RELATIONAL DEPTH

5
THE PROCESS OF RELATIONAL DEPTH

• The counsellors humanity is focused upon the
  client
• the client lets himself experience that humanity
• this creates a huge therapeutic space/safety for
  the client
• the client experiences himself more fully
• on an on-going basis the client is more sensitive
  to himself-in-relation.

6
I stopped needing to pretend

• Box 3.6 on page 65 of Mearns, D. Thorne, B.
  (2007). Person-Centred Counselling in Action,
  Third Edition. London Sage.

7
A Schema of Working at Relational Depth
B Negotiating client processes and self dialogues
C Contact with the clients existential process
A Offering relational depth
8
Two Aspects of Relational Depth

• moments of relational depth
• relational depth experienced as a continuing
  relationship

9
Presented Dimensions of Self
10
Disguises, Clues, Lace Curtains and Safety
Screens
11
Approach/ Avoidance towards being met at
relational depth
12
How do we show our client that we are willing and
able to meet him at relational depth?

• We go to our depth in order to meet him in his
• We touch him tenderly in his experiencing
• We are ready to be introduced to a deeper level
  of his experiencing.

13
Relational depth is about the quality of the
relational contact, not the quantity
14
Relational Depth in Everyday Life

• Doug the teacher
• Mhairi the nurse
• Lillian the social worker

15
CONTENTS

• Working at relational depth
• Resonance
• Difficult client process
• Client self-dialogues
• The clients existential process
• The therapists developmental agenda
• Existential touchstones
• Exploration of our own touchstones
• Working with Rick

16
RESONANCE

• Through self-awareness in therapy the therapist
  becomes conscious of their experiencing, ie. the
  immediate present flow of experiences. What they
  experience is resonance to both the clients
  world and/or for their own world. Resonancemeans
  the echo in the therapist triggered by the
  relationship with the client (p.181).
• Schmid, P.F. Mearns, D. J. (2006). Being-With
  and Being-Counter Person-centered psychotherapy
  as an in-depth co-creative process of
  personalization. Person-Centered and Experiential
  Psychotherapies, 5(3) 174-190.

17
RESONANCE

• SELF-RESONANCE
• EMPATHIC RESONANCE (concordant and complementary)
• PERSONAL RESONANCE (relational resonance)

18
SELF-RESONANCE

• Client Shall I love him or hate him? I
  dont know, I am confused.
• Therapist thinking of his own partner Good
  question! You never know. (p. 183)

19
CONCORDANT EMPATHIC RESONANCE

• Client Shall I love him or hate him? I
  dont know, I am confused.
• Therapist primarily sensing the clients
  confusion There are mixed feelings in you. You
  experience affection, you experience dislike and
  these are in you at one and the same time. (p.
  183)

20
COMPLEMENTARY EMPATHIC RESONANCE

• Client Shall I love him or hate him? I
  dont know, I am confused.
• Therapist sensing primarily that the client
  gradually has been growing tired of the person he
  talks about.or even forget about him? (p. 183)

21
PERSONAL (RELATIONAL) RESONANCE

• Client Shall I love him or hate him? I
  dont know, I am confused.
• Therapist personally touched by his clients
  bewilderment..which makes me aware how much I
  truly hope you come to the right decision this
  time. (p. 185)

22
When self-resonance spills over

• Box 6.3 on page 141 of Mearns, D. Thorne, B.
  (2007). Person-Centred Counselling in Action.
  Third edition. London Sage.

23
CONTENTS

• Working at relational depth
• Resonance
• Difficult client process
• Client self-dialogues
• The clients existential process
• The therapists developmental agenda
• Existential touchstones
• Exploration of our own touchstones
• Working with Rick

24
A Schema of Working at Relational Depth
B Negotiating client processes and self dialogues
C Contact with the existential process
A Offering relational depth
25
Client Processes

• Existential Process
• Psychotic Process (Prouty)
• Fragile Process (Warner)
• Dissociated Process (Warner)
• Ego-Syntonic Process
• Transference

RestrictingExistentialContact
26
The Developmental Basis of Ego-Syntonic Process

• The person has survived a parenting in which love
  and acceptance was not reliable. Negative
  experiences would follow when positives might be
  expected there was no way to rely on the
  relationship. Ridicule, hate or abuse would come
  when love might be expected.
• To survive, the person needed to
• Withdraw their emotional attachment.
• Find ways to control the relationship
• Find ways to control themselves in relationship.

27
Sandy

• The fellow who has a parent who is sometimes nice
  and sometimes horrible thinks that is the way the
  world is. Now, in my own case, that is how it
  was. At the time when I came to the school I
  think the difficulty was, among other things,
  that I was confronted by Patti his counsellor,
  who was an exceptionally fine human being and a
  very affectionate and decent human being. I
  wasnt able to accept the affection, which caused
  even more anger because everyone likes to accept
  affection.

28
But if you condition yourself to not accepting
affection because, if by accepting it you only
let yourself in for the next downfall, you put
yourself in a position where you dont dare to
hope that the affection is for real and you keep
testing to find out if it is for real, and thats
the process where, step by step, you find out
whether it is. In a sense, maybe, that explains
my own need to hurt them, whether or not the
affection would continue to comeBettelheim, B.
(1987). The man who cared for children.
Horizon. London BBC Television.
29
Ego-Syntonic Process in Adult Life
The persons self-protective systems become
generalised to other relationships (cf Sternes
RIGs Representations of Interactions that
have become Generalised). The seriousness of the
resulting pattern can vary hugely. The person may
become

• popular but unreachable
• alone and lonely
• controlling
• cold
• cruel
• homicidal and suicidal.

30
In its mild expression their ego-syntonic process
leads the person to be confused and scared in
relationships. They know that things go wrong for
them and they come to expect things to go wrong.
But they genuinely do not understand why they go
wrong. They have done their best. They have even
tried to think about what the other person wants,
and be that (within limits). But it always goes
wrong.
31
In another expression they attract relations but
fail in relationships because, ultimately, they
have to be so controlling. They need to define
the reality in the relationship and protect
against its changing. They provide well on a
material level, function well enough in more
superficial relationships, but they must not make
themselves existentially vulnerable. Usually they
are genuinely surprised when the other person
leaves them. Again, they had done their best.
32
In a more serious expression, the person is
dangerous to themselves and others. They are so
threatened by relationship that their
self-protection manifests itself not in confusion
or controlling, but in detachment and even
violence. Their fear is so profound and the
degree of adjustment they have obtained so
tenuous that detachment and even destruction (of
self or other) are the only existential
protections they have left.
33
The Hook in Ego-Syntonic Process

• But there really was someone there to love I
  saw him I saw him often.
• Its not just a rescuer thing its much
  stronger than that. I couldnt let him go
  because there were times I really saw him.
• Its so frustrating sometimes she was a
  wonderful person she was the fullest human
  being anyone could wantbut then it would
  evaporate in tears and anger.
• He couldnt let me in. For 20 years he couldnt
  let me in. We could even talk about how he
  couldnt let me in Maybe that was it at times
  he wasnt who he was.

34
Client Processes

• Existential Process
• Psychotic Process (Prouty)
• Fragile Process (Warner)
• Dissociated Process (Warner)
• Ego-Syntonic Process
• Transference

RestrictingExistentialContact
35
Getting beyond Transference

• A part of me is not sure she should trust you,
  but.
• I cant believe Ive just talked about me, like
  that, with an old man like you.

36

• Difficult process rarely defines the whole of
  the person. Often there is a dissonant part that
  houses a different conception of self. Its
  appearance can be erratic and its voice very
  small. Often its dominant feeling is sadness.

37
A Schema of Working at Relational Depth
B Negotiating client processes and self dialogues
C Contact with the existential process
A Offering relational depth
38
Configurations

• Chapter 6 The nature of configurations within
  Self.Chapter 7 Person-centred therapy with
  configurations of Self.
• In Mearns, D. Thorne, B. (2000) Person-Centred
  Therapy Today New Frontiers in Theory and
  Practice. London Sage.

39
Definition

• A configuration is a hypothetical construct
  denoting a coherent pattern of feelings, thoughts
  and preferred behavioural responses symbolised or
  pre-symbolised by the person as reflective of a
  dimension of existence within the Self.

40
Definition of Configuration (Non-Jargon Version)

• Sometimes people experience themselves as having
  different parts to their Self. Each part, or
  configuration, is well-developed, with its own
  feelings, thoughts and ways of behaving which may
  be quite different from other parts.

41
Sam A 23 year old Traumatised Veteran

• I walk around watching people and myself. I
  watch myself watching myself. I have a me that
  I use for everyday life. It does all the normal
  things that other people do - it goes to work -
  it talks with other people - it goes to the store
  - it even makes love with my wife. It carries on
  as though nothing has happened. And I watch it.
  I stand in the background and wonder how I can do
  all that stuff.

42
The Herald NewspaperSaturday, June 30,
2001Goran Ivanisevic Vs Andy Roddick

• Against Roddick on No. 1 Court yesterday, it was
  the good Goran who turned up for work to show
  the crowd the talent in his game which many
  thought he had lost for ever. In typical
  Ivanisevic style, he later claimed that during
  the game he was listening to his inner voice and
  at times the bad Goran did turn up. When that
  happened, he had to call up Goran No. 3 to sort
  things out.

43
SOME CONFIGURED CLIENTS

• Mary Most of the time I am a little princess
  all sweetness and light. Butter wouldnt melt in
  my mouth. My little princess is friends with
  everyone and in general people treat her well.
  She developed in my childhood and she is still
  around. But I also have a hard edge as hard as
  the little princess is soft. I call this part
  vixen me. I shiver when I think about her. She
  would scratch your eyes out dont mess with
  her. She too arose in my childhood, for good
  reasons.

44

• Joe I have strong me and weak me. For years
  strong me hated weak me but that has changed
  during counselling. I understand now how weak me
  came about it wasnt just that he was
  pathetic he was scared, deeply scared. Strong
  me helped me to survive but I need weak me too
  he has parts of me that strong me doesnt.

45

• Mary and Joe are familiar with their
  configurations and have even given them names
  that reflect their main themes. For other people
  there is less familiarity, less clarity, but
  still a sense of pluralism, as with Teri who, in
  surviving a hostage situation, had discovered
  another dimension of her self

46

• Teri At first I just cried. I felt that that was
  all I could do. Then something happened I
  stopped crying and became cool, clear and
  determined. I started to work out strategy. I had
  read about the fact that more hostages survived
  when they made themselves known to their
  captors. So I stopped snivelling and started to
  engage these people. I was amazed this wasnt
  me speaking, but, in fact, it was. I wasnt
  acting I was being me, but a part of me
  that I didnt recognise.

47

• Configurations are NORMAL ways to hold dissonant
  material

48
TWO COMMON NARRATIVES CARRIED BY CONFIGURATIONS

• SELF-EXPRESSION
• SELF-PROTECTION

49
Self-expressive Configurations

• The part of me that wants more out of life.
• The bit of me that isnt satisfied.
• The voice within me that screams Is this all
  there is?

50
Self-protective Configurations

• The me that just wants to curl up and do
  absolutely nothing.
• The part that wants to go back.
• The bit that protects me by sabotaging new things.

51
PRESENT TENSE DERIVATIVE
PAST TENSE DERIVATIVE
ME AS I WAS
ME AS I AM NOW
EMERGINGSYNERGY
ANOTHER ME
CONFLICT
BIFURCATION
DERI VATIVE
ME AS IVE ALWAYS KNOWN ME
THE CREEP
CONFLICT
PROTECTION
Alexander Map
FUCKEDME
52
Person-Centred Therapy with Configurations of
Self(See Mearns Thorne Person-Centred Therapy
Today, Chapter 7)

• Staying close to the clients symbolisation
• Listen for the parts, but dont invent them
• Avoiding zero-sum responding
• Empathic mediation helping the parts to hear
  each other
• Multi-directional partiality prizing all the
  parts
• Therapists use of her configurational Self.

53

• Staying close to the
• clients symbolisation

54

• Of course, there has always been the part of me
  which is the dutiful daughter and the other one
  which is the delinquent but there is another
  sense of me as well ..... I cant grasp it .....
  it is something to do with sadness .....

55
Listen for the partsbut dont invent them
56
LISTEN FOR THEM

• Bill Finally Im going to be free of John! I
  cant wait to get him out of my life.(stops
  talking and looks down)
• Dave Something else Bill?
• Bill When I said that, I felt like crying.
• Dave You felt like crying?

57

• Bill Yes - its in the background. Its behind
  everything I do.
• Dave Its behind everything you do
• Bill Its always there.always crying.
• Dave Always with you and always crying.
• Bill Yes, but only sometimes do I hear it. It
  never says anything. It only cries.

58
Client there is a part of me that is
dreadfully vulnerable and sad .. she has only a
very small voice .. so I dont hear her very
often.
Therapist So I wonder what this hurt little
girl has to say to us

• Client I dont know .. I dont know ..

Therapist From what you said before it sounds
as though she is not just a hurt little girl
but an abused little girl ..?
Client I dont know .. I dont know ..
59
BUT DONT INVENT THEM

• Client There is a part of me that is dreadfully
  vulnerable and sad .. she has only a very small
  voice .. so I dont hear her very often.
• Therapist So I wonder what this hurt little
  girl has to say to us.
• Client I dont know .. I dont know ..
• Therapist From what you said before it sounds as
  though she is not just a hurt little girl but
  an abused little girl ..?
• Client I dont know .. I dont know ..

60
Avoiding Zero-Sum Responding

• Client Part of me feels x .. and part of me
  feels not x.
• Therapist So, you are conflicted about how you
  feel?

61
Empathic Mediation Facilitating the dialogue
among parts

• The client, Bobby, struggles with the confusion
  around two parts of his Self. One part, which he
  calls mental me, used to protect him and
  control his existence through the use of extreme
  violence towards others and towards himself. But
  there is a newly emerging part, sad me, which
  is beginning to flood into his existence

Bobby I cut myself with my knife but still the
sadness overwhelms me. Dave Cutting yourself was
your way of staying in control.
62
Bobby Yes - but its not working - that mental
part of me can no longer keep it together. Hes
in deep shit - his time is past. Dave And what
does he feel ..? Bobby .. Scared .. hes so
scared. He thinks that if he loses control I
will be done for .. Hes almost
crying. Dave Thats unusual for him
.. Bobby God yes - maybe hes not so different
from the sad part of me .. the sad part can
understand crying .. God, thats the one thing
he can understand.
63
Dave Can he understand your fear as
well? Bobby .. yes .. I was good at holding
things together. If I cant hold things
together, I might be .. Dave You might
be? Bobby Dead. The only way to survive in my
world was to be really mental - to kill and to
mutilate first .. But it comes from fear . fear
and sadness are not so far apart.
64
Multi Directional PartialityHonouring all the
parts of the Clients Self

• Therapist It seems to me that most of this
  session, so far, we have being hearing from that
  part of you which you called the strong part of
  me. You have also identified other parts of you
  that were quite different from the strong part
  of me - you called them lotus blossom and the
  frightened part of me. Is it meaningful to
  check-in with those parts - what do you think?
• Monica Fuck them - they are in the past - they
  are history.

65

• Therapist Right - let me catch up - this is
  new. Is it like they are, really, history, or
  is it that you would want them to be history?
• Monica Fuck you - you wont let them go, will
  you.
• Therapist I am not going to let them go if they
  are parts of you - I am not going to dismiss any
  of you.
• Monica Who pays you anyway! (with humour)
• Therapist Good point .. Actually, I dont know
  who pays me. Who pays me?
• Monica Clever bastard.

66
Person-Centred Therapy with Configurations of
Self

• Listen for the parts, but dont invent them
• Avoiding zero-sum responding
• Empathic mediation helping the parts to hear
  each other
• Staying close to the clients symbolisation
• Multi-directional partiality prizing all the
  parts
• Therapists use of her configurational Self.

67
CONTENTS

• Working at relational depth
• Resonance
• Difficult client process
• Client self-dialogues
• The clients existential process
• The therapists developmental agenda
• Existential touchstones
• Exploration of our own touchstones
• Working with Rick

68
WHAT IS MEANT BY THE TERM EXISTENTIAL PROCESS?

• It is unique to every person
• It can only be comprehended by taking a
  phenomenological perspective
• It may contain a rich mixture of
  self-experiences, self-assumptions, hopes, fears,
  fantasies, terrors, experiences in relation to
  others, assumptions about others and deeply held
  values.

69

• It can contain powerful internal conflicts and it
  can also provide conflict for dimensions of the
  presentational self
• Its elements and dynamics are experienced by the
  person as more fundamental to their existence
  than the aspects of their presentational self
• Consequently, they are closely guarded. To be
  judged by another on the basis of a self we are
  presenting is one thing, but to be judged for
  what we believe is our essence is existentially
  dangerous.

70
SANDRA

• I had so much hate inside me. I could never show
  it in its raw state to anyone. It came out in
  lots of ways but I could not show it in the way
  it was to me. I could not show the bile, the
  vindictiveness, the foaming at the mouth
  invective. I could not show it the way it was to
  me I could not even show it to me the way it
  was to me. It was too destructive.

71
PAUL

• I cant describe how I am to me in ways that will
  make sense to others. It goes around my head and
  body in dream-like waves, at times coming into
  the foreground and then receding. It is all ugly.
  It is about how I am all ugly how, at my core,
  I am rotten. I can feel the maggots crawling
  around inside me, eating me up. Perhaps they will
  eat the rot and help me? How could I show this to
  anyone else/ How can I allow myself to see it?

72
BERNARD

• Sometimes the real me watches myself at work. It
  sees the smooth operator, totally confident and
  blustering others with my confidence. It is as
  though it is a magnification of the opposite of
  who I really am, Underneath, all I am is a crying
  little boy. I am curled up, rocking and sobbing.
  My face is puffed up with a lifetime of sobbing.
  My eyes are permanently closed I can barely
  endure the pain of what it is to be me I cannot
  open my eyes to see anyone else in case I see
  them seeing me.

73
Working with the Client in his Existential Process

• He gives you his self as he experiences his self.
• What he gives is not dominated by relational
  self- protective strategies
• He finds it impossible to lie.

74
Striving to meet at Relational Depth with the
Client in her Existential Process

• Sandie Do you really want to know me? Like, do
  you want to meet the me that I am to myself?
• Dave Yes, I want to meet all of you.
• (Pause)
• Sandie I kill my babies.
• Dave Is that meant to put me off?
• Sandie No, its just what I do.
• Dave (serious eye contact) You kill your
  babies .. Its a difficult thing even for me to
  say. I have to steel myself to say the words.
  They are hard words for me to say - I think
  thats why I was glib.

75

• Sandie Its what I do - the words are me - Ive
  killed three babies inside me.
• Dave You sound .. You sound flat about it -
  on the outside at least - I dont know what you
  are inside about it ..?
• Sandie I need to feel flat inside about it as
  well.
• Dave Yes .. I think I can understand that .. I
  think I really can .. its the only way .. to
  ..
• Sandie Survive.
• Dave Yes.
• Sandie Isnt that funny ..
• Dave That when you feel as you do, you still
  want to survive?
• Sandie Yes - Ive never thought about that
  before.

76
Striving to meet at Relational Depth with the
Client in his Existential Process

• Bobby Ive been feeling really bad things Dave -
  really bad things.
• Dave Tell me Bobby.
• Bobby I dont know if I can Dave .. I dont
  know if I can.
• Dave This is really tough for you Bobby - I can
  see that in your face. Youve tried to make
  yourself tell me by bringing it up. But its
  still maybe not possible. I say tell me Bobby
  like I usually do .. but this is not usual
  stuff - this is .. different ..
• (Pause)
• Bobby Dave .. I want to kill me.
• (Long silence)
• Bobby All the roads lead there - I could make a
  good job of it too.

77

• Dave I bet you could, Bobby - Im scared to use
  my imagination.
• Bobby It would be one thing I could do well.
• Dave What are all the feelings Bobby - how do
  all the roads lead here?
• Bobby I dont know if I want to go into it Dave
  - Ive got to this point and I feel a kind of ..
  peace.
• Dave Christ Bobby, this is tough for me. I knew
  you were going to say that. I want to stay with
  you in that and I want to pull you away from
  that. Im no use to you unless I can stay with
  you in it.
• Bobby Thats not true Dave - its nice for me to
  hear that. Anyway, you couldnt stop me.
• Dave I really knew you were going to use that
  peace word. I could feel how all the roads
  lead there. I can see how that is a conclusion
  for you .. and a retribution for you ..

78

• Its the same as cutting yourself used to be for
  you, isnt it?
• Bobby Yes, it has the same sense of punishment
  and control .. Do you understand how important
  it is for me to face this?
• Dave Yes, I do. You must face the question that
  perhaps the only way to make retribution is to
  execute yourself.
• (Long silence)
• Dave You will have worked it all out?
• Bobby In detail, Dave - in detail.
• (Long silence)
• Bobby Its funny to feel so alone, yet with
  someone.
• (Long silence)

79
CONTENTS

• Working at relational depth
• Resonance
• Difficult client process
• Client self-dialogues
• The clients existential process
• The therapists developmental agenda
• Existential touchstones
• Exploration of our own touchstones
• Working with Rick

80
The Developmental Agenda for the Therapist
Working at Relational Depth

• expanding our experience of humanity
• expanding the self available in the therapy room
• configurations
• existential touchstones

81
Expanding Our Experience of Humanity

• Eventually I realised that if I was going to
  work professionally as a counsellor, I had better
  find out something about the other half of
  humanity. So I started to work with men!
• I never actively accepted myself as
  homophobic, but I was. Joining the mens group
  soon blew that away.

82

• When it would come to the edge of meeting the
  depths of my clients despair I would always pull
  back. I got over that edge, initially, through
  reading about peoples experiences of despair.
  That would take me into my tears and closer to
  my sense of my own existence.

83

• An experience which helped me to sustain myself
  in the work with Rick was attending an
  informal rap group of veterans.I used that
  group to stay connected with the kinds of
  experiencing they spoke about.
• (Mearns Cooper, 2005 107)

84
The Developmental Agenda for the Therapist
Working at Relational Depth

• expanding our experiences of humanity
• expanding the self available in the therapy room
• configurations
• existential touchstones

85

• The Therapists use of her
• configurational self?

86
Working all together with Clair
Extract 1

• Dave 1 I really dont understand why you are
  leaving the job.
• Clair 1 No, I knew you wouldnt.
• Dave 2 You mean you knew that I wouldnt
  understand it?
• Clair 2 Yes .. Ive seen it for ages. We are
  o.k. when we are working on my strong Self - that
  work has been great - I wouldnt take anything
  away from it. But my little girl isnt so sure
  about you.
• Dave 3 She doesnt trust me.
• Clair 3 She doesnt think you want to know her
  .. She is pretty scared you know.

87

• Dave 4 (pause) I suppose we havent spent enough
  time on her. (pause) I guess I didnt hear her
  very well - I didnt realise how bad she felt. I
  see now that I didnt hear her very well.
• Clair 4 I didnt let her come out very often
  with you. Maybe I thought you wouldnt like me
  if I really showed you her.
• Dave 5 And perhaps I wasnt as open to her as I
  could have been ..
• Clair 5 Well, she has got to come out now. She
  needs to become a big girl now. So I am holding
  her hand and walking her out.
• Dave 6 And what are you feeling, little girl?
• Clair 6 I am scared .. and I am angry. I am
  not sure if I can trust you .. But I want to
  trust you.
• Dave 7 I want to apologise to you for not really
  listening to you until now.

88
Extract 2 (two sessions later)

• Clair 1 It is better now, in here. It feels as
  though there are four of us working together.
• Dave 1 You mean, two of you and two of me?
• Clair 2 Yes.
• Dave 2 The two parts of you, you have called
  your strong Self and your little girl. But
  you also sense two parts to me here?
• Clair 3 Yes, dont you?
• Dave 3 Yes, but I havent given them names yet -
  in here at least - what is your sense of them?
• Clair 4 One is watching over everything that is
  happening. He is pretty competent, but he is
  also nervous. The other is not so used to being
  here but he has been invited. He has got a
  softness and vulnerability which is really good
  for me. He helps me to be soft with myself.
• Dave 4 He helps you to be soft with yourself ..?

89

• Clair 5 When it was only your strong,
  competent self that was here - then my strong
  self just got together with you and there was no
  space for softies - no space for softies in
  either of us.
• Dave 5 And it is important that we touch that
  softness in you ..?
• Clair 6 It is important that we are all here,
  together. My parts both have strength - but they
  need to get along together, like yours do.
• Dave 6 Maybe I am more tentative, than I look,
  my soft part kind of feels okay with this but
  is a bit unsure.
• Clair 7 That is what soft parts are like,
  silly! Being unsure is part of being soft.
• Dave 7 I think you are more experienced at this
  than me, Clair.
• Clair 8 Never mind, well help each other along!

90
The Developmental Agenda for the Therapist
Working at Relational Depth

• expanding our experiences of humanity
• expanding the self available in the therapy room
• configurations
• existential touchstones

91
Definition of existential touchstones

• Life events and self-experiences that have given
  us glimpses of different dimensions of ourself
  and which we can enter to put us into a feeling
  state that is closer to our clients present
  experiencing and thus act as a bridge for us
  into a fuller meeting with our client.
• Mearns, D. Thorne, B. (2007). Person-Centred
  Counselling in Action. Third edition, p.147,
  London Sage.

92
Existential Touchstones Vulnerabilities turned
into strengths

• Five counsellors give us glimpses of earlier,
  difficult experiences that have become
  existential touchstones for them in their work
• The memory of my own earlier aloneness is
  something I can touch to bring me closer to my
  isolated or cut off clients.

93

• It took me years to get over my own early
  experiences of humiliation but now it doesnt
  frighten me any more now I can even use it as a
  way of getting closer to my clients experience
  of humiliation or abuse.
• I dont think you ever get over a major
  bereavement. But it gets to a point that it
  deepens you as a person and helps you to be with
  your client in their own depths.

94

• My clients anger was frightening in its power.
  At first I shrank from it but I got back close
  to it by touching how my old anger had felt. It
  was interesting to see me use that for the very
  first time.
• Seeing myself survive some threatening situations
  has become a source of strength for me. I am
  never frightened by my client. If he offers
  threat, often as a way of pushing me away, I am
  not pushed away.

95
Exercise What are, or might become, my
touchstones?

• WHAT KIND OF SIGNIFICANT SELF EXPERIENCES HAVE I
  HAD IN MY LIFE THAT HAVE HAD CONSIDERABLE
  EXISTENTIAL SIGNIFICANCE FOR ME?
• DO I DRAW DEPTH FROM ANY OF THESE IN MY WORK AS A
  THERAPIST?
• ARE THERE ANY THAT I HAVE NOT USED, BUT THAT I
  COULD MAKE USE OF?
• ARE THERE ANY THAT I AM NOT YET READY TO USE, BUT
  THAT I MAY USE AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE?
• ARE THERE ANY THAT I THINK I WILL NEVER BE ABLE
  TO USE?

96
CONTENTS

• Working at relational depth
• Resonance
• Difficult client process
• Client self-dialogues
• The clients existential process
• The therapists developmental agenda
• Existential touchstones
• Exploration of our own touchstones
• Working with Rick

97
Earning the Right to work with Rick A
Traumatised Client

• Chapter 6 in Mearns Cooper (2005) Working at
  Relational Depth in Counselling and Psychotherapy.

98

• The Counterfeit Universe of war
• (Lifton, R.J. 1974 Home from the War. London
  Wildwood House)

99

• I have taken a sane man and made him mad
  enough to go to war
• (Captain Rivers in Regeneration).

100
RICK

• Fire fight
• Fragging
• Third tour
• Mute

101
The first of 72 meetings over 12 weeks

• RICKS ROOM
• RICKS SILENCE
• MY WHO I AM SPEECH

102
MEETING 2

• RESPECTING AND CONNECTING

103

• ENCOUNTER NOT INVASION

104

• RICKS TURNING ROUND

105
MAINTAINING OUR HUMANITY WHEN WE GET LITTLE BACK

• What I did get back from Rick
• Staying fresh
• The rap group
• Supervision.

106

• TALKING THE TALK

107
MEETING 15

• THE FLYING BOOK

108
MEETING 23

• THE DAY RICK CRIED

109
MEETING 25

• TELL HIM NOT TO COME

110
MEETING 26

• THE DAY DAVE CRIED

111
MEETING 27

• DO YOU TAKE CREAM OR SUGAR?

112

• THE END OF THE BEGINNING?
• OR
• THE BEGINNING OF THE END?