Humbug Thoughts for the Holidays

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Humbug Thoughtsfor the Holidays

• by Chris Orcutt

A NotWriting.com Production Rated PG-13
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If you want to get me a Christmas present, thats
fine. But it better be big and expensive.
Otherwise, dont waste my time.
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This year, well probably get another fruit cake
from grandma. Well tell her we loved it and
then, sometime in August, well pull it out of
the freezer and pitch it in the trash.
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I remember the last time grandpa went dashing
through the snow in his one-horse open sleigh. It
was a beautiful sight.
Well, until he got hit by that Mack truck.
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There used to be a lovely covered bridge near my
grandparents house. Christmas mornings, we had
to drive across it to get there for presents and
Christmas dinner. Then, the stilts that held it
up rotted, and the whole bridge was washed away
in a flood. Thank God for memories.
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Sometimes I like going to Midnight Mass. While
everyones upstairs praying and singing, Im in
the basement, wolfing down the free Danishes.
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You know those two kings who brought Baby Jesus
frankincense and myrrh? Everyone calls them wise
men, but if you want my opinion, they were just
cheap. Come on, Mary couldve gotten that crap at
the market anytime.
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Listen up, kids You can get a lot of attention
at Christmastime by taking off on your mom in a
crowded mall. When the security guard finds you,
hell usually buy you something, like a donut.
Then your mom comes and starts crying and kissing
you a lot.
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I bet ole Frosty gets real nervous right around
March.
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Let me tell ya, if I was the guy in The Twelve
Days of Christmas and my true love was giving
me crap like rings and turtle doves, I wouldve
strangled her by the fifth day.
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I dont know about you, but when I go to sleep on
Christmas Eve, I dont have visions of sugarplums
dancing in my head. I dont even know what the
fuck a sugarplum is.
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Remember Tiny Tim? Everybody thinks the poor lad
was crippled, but I think the little prick was
faking it. Think about itif you were a tot, and
you pretended you couldnt walk and stuff, people
would give you a shitload of presents!
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Need to keep those pesky carolers out of your
neighborhood? Heres a tip Hire the high school
baseball team to hurl iceballs at them. This
never fails.
Greetings!
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A beautiful Christmas scene, right? Wrong. While
everybodys inside, warm beside the fire, that
poor horse is freezing its ass off and holding in
a killer dump.
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When I was a kid, Mom liked to put candles in our
windows at Christmastime. But not those electric
ones. She preferred the good, old-fashioned kind.
Of course they burned our house down, but she
still liked them.
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It is better to give than to receive. Just make
sure you give it to me, whatever it is.
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Remember, folks Company Christmas parties are
all fun and games until somebody gets knocked up
or contracts a venereal disease. Be careful out
there.
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Happy Holidays

• Love,
• Chris, Alexas Sweetie

P.S. These were Chriss sick thoughts, so dont
blame Alexas or the cat.