Rebuilding Intimacy After an Affair Douglas K. Snyder, Ph.D. Texas A

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Rebuilding IntimacyAfter an AffairDouglas K.
Snyder, Ph.D.Texas AM University In
collaboration withDonald Baucom, Ph.D.,
University of North CarolinaKristina Gordon,
Ph.D., University of Tennessee
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How Prevalent Are Affairs?

• Lifetime occurrence of sexual infidelity
  21 men 11 women
• Rates of emotional infidelity are double 44
  men 25 women
• 2nd leading cause of divorce for women and 3rd
  leading cause for men
• Therapists report as 3rd most difficult issue to
  treat

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What Defines An Affair?

• Physical non-monogamy Occurs along a continuum
  of physical involvement
• Emotional non-monogamy Characterized by
  emotional intimacy, secrecy, and sexual chemistry
• Betrayal Violation of relational standard
  (implicit or explicit) regarding physical or
  emotional exclusivity

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Three Stage Model of Recovery

• Stage I - Absorbing the blow
• Stage II - Giving meaning, establishing new
  assumptions
• Stage III - Moving forward

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Characteristics of Successful Process

• Gaining a fuller and balanced understanding of
  event(s)
• Not remaining preoccupied with the traumatic
  events
• Giving up the right to continuously punish the
  person who has wronged you
• Reaching informed decision whether to maintain or
  terminate the relationship

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PTSD Symptoms
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Empathy
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Global Commitment
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Goals of the Initial Session

• Establish safety and trust
• Demonstrate competence
• Expertise regarding affairs and recovery process
• Obtaining relevant information
• Prepare for future sessions

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Addressing Initial Crises

• Contain immediate crises
• Verbal or physical aggression
• Immediate decisions regarding boundaries
• Immediate self-care needs

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Brian and Angela Summary

• Brian 29, injured partner Angela 26,
  participating partner
• Married 6 years sons ages 3 and 1
• Affair two months duration.
• Marital history and shared work history.
• Individual histories
• Angela Adopted, mother died age 18
• Brian Oldest of 3 siblings college drop-out

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Video Initial Session

• Emphasis on
• Current status of couple relationship
• Status of outside relationship
• Efforts to set boundaries

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Treatment Goals for Stage I

• Re-establish some form of equilibrium for the
  couple and individuals
• Reduce emotional upset
• Establish behavioral routines
• Minimize additional damage to either individual
  or the couple damage control
• Minimize hurtful behaviors between the partners
• Minimize either partner creating problems with
  the outside world

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Discussing Impact of the Affair

• What assumptions have been violated about who
  your partner is and what to expect from your
  relationship?
• What standards for your marriage (how partners
  should behave) have been violated?
• What does the affair mean about your partner, the
  relationship, and you?
• What emotions are you experiencing, and what
  ideas go with those feelings?
• Given these thoughts and feelings, what behaviors
  have changed or have been disrupted?

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Flashback Guidelines

• Clarify whether emotional upset is due to
  something currently upsetting or re-experiencing
  feelings from past
• Let your partner know what is happening (e.g.,
  driving by the hotel triggered old feelings)
• Let your partner know what you need at present
  (e.g., being held being left alone talking
  about it)
• Balance how much you talk with partner about
  flashbacks with other ways to handle on your own

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Treatment Goals for Stage II

• Identify factors that potentially contributed to
  vulnerability or risk of affair
• Prepare groundwork for additional change

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Treatment Strategies for Stage II

• Present rationale
• Potential benefits and risks of doing this
• Examine potential factors successively
• Relationship factors
• Stressors from outside the marriage
• Individual susceptibilities or contributions
• Participating partner
• Injured partner
• Develop shared, comprehensive formulation

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Rationale for Exploring Context

• For injured partner
• Restores predictability
• Potentially softens view of participating
  partner
• Contributes to appropriate self-awareness
• For participating partner
• Broadens explanations for hurtful behavior
• Contributes to appropriate self-awareness
• For couple
• May facilitate collaborative efforts at
  addressing relationship and outside factors

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Conceptual Model

• Prior to
  Affair During/After Affair
• Negative influences High conflict
  Pursuit by outsider
• and stressors low intimacy
  retributions
• Positive qualities Warmth of PP
  Responsible
• increasing risk trust from IP
  caring for OP
• Absence of Inadequate
  Lack of couple
• protective factors attention to
  friends
• 
  relationship

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Challenges to Stage II

• Confusing understanding with excusing
• Reactivity of injured partner
• Reluctance to examine relationship or own factors
• Preoccupation with why
• Reactivity of participating partner
• Reluctance to hurt injured partner further
• Intolerance for sustained distress
• Differences in time-lines for two partners

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Preparing a Formulation What to Include

• Emphasize multiple contributing factors
• Vulnerabilities or risks from multiple domains
• Both historical (developmental) and recent
• Different factors at different stages of affair
• Cite reductions in risk already achieved
• Propose additional steps to be pursued

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Preparing a Formulation How to Create It

• Formulations from each partner individually
• Formulations developed jointly
• By couple together at home
• With therapist during treatment session
• Regardless of how developed, share and discuss
  during treatment session

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Video Formulation Session

• Formulation for Brian and Angela emphasizes
• Individual and relationship strengths
• Exposure to normative and unique stressors
• Interaction of stressors with partner
  vulnerabilities
• Implications for moving forward
• Communication challenges for both partners
• Steps toward balancing relational needs

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Treatment Goals for Stage III

• Strengthening progress from Stages I and II
• Discussing forgiveness and blocks to forgiving or
  moving on
• Deciding whether or not to continue the
  relationship
• Either making the necessary changes to rebuild
  the relationship or working on a healthy
  termination

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Treatment Strategies for Stage III

• Strengthening work from Stages I and II
• Partners discuss how their understanding has
  changed since they began treatment
• Couple identifies what needs to change in the
  relationship, based on what they have learned
• Therapist summarizes and gives feedback

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Common Beliefs about Forgiveness

• Forgiveness means staying together
• Forgiveness means excusing the partner or saying
  what happened does not matter
• Forgiveness means forgetting or no longer feeling
  any anger about what has happened
• Forgiveness is weak or approving what happened
• Forgiveness must be granted immediately,
  particularly if person has apologized
• One should not/must not forgive ones partner for
  certain types of betrayals affairs, violence,
  lies ...

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Our Model of Forgiveness

• Forgiveness is not
• Excusing or forgetting the affair
• Reconciling or staying together
• An immediate or one-time event
• Forgiveness is
• A process
• An opportunity to gain in understanding about
  your partner, your relationship, and yourself
• A release from being controlled by negative
  thoughts, feelings, and behaviors

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Treatment Strategies for Stage III

• Deciding whether to continue relationship
• Discuss changes that would need to occur for
  relationship to continue
• Discuss evidence supporting their ability to make
  the desired changes
• Discuss partners motivation and willingness to
  make the changes
• Help them think through what they wish to do

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Questions for Evaluating the Relationship

• Is the affair isolated event or ongoing pattern?
• Has participating partner been able to make
  difficult changes in the past?
• Has the injured partner been able to make similar
  changes?
• Has participating partner accepted
  responsibility for his/her own actions?
• Are both partners willing to make the necessary
  changes? In themselves? In the relationship?

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Video Forgiveness Session

• Emphasis on
• Brian reads his letter of forgiveness
• Angela responds to letter
• Partners exchange pledges to move on

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Available at Self-Esteem Shop Douglas
K. Snyder, Ph.D., Department of Psychology Texas
AM University, College Station, TX
77843-4235 Email d-snyder_at_tamu.edu