Title: Helping Couples Recover from Infidelity: An Integrative Approach Douglas K. Snyder Texas A
1Helping Couples Recover from Infidelity An
Integrative ApproachDouglas K. SnyderTexas
AM University In collaboration
withChaplain David Scheider, US Army
2How Prevalent Are Affairs?
- Lifetime occurrence 37 men 20 women (Laumann
et al., 1994) - 40 of divorced men/44 of divorced women report
extramarital sexual contact during marriage - 2nd leading cause of divorce for women and 3rd
leading cause for men (Janus Janus, 1993) - Therapists report as 3rd most difficult issue to
treat (Whisman, Dixon, Johnson, 1997)
3What Is An Affair?
- Physical non-monogamy Occurs along a continuum
of physical involvement - Emotional non-monogamy Characterized by
emotional intimacy, secrecy, and sexual chemistry - Betrayal Violation of relational standard
(implicit or explicit) regarding physical or
emotional exclusivity
4Three Stage Model of Recovery
- Stage I - Absorbing the blow
- Stage II - Giving meaning, establishing new
assumptions - Stage III - Moving forward
5Characteristics of Successful Process
- Gaining a fuller and balanced understanding of
event(s) - Not remaining preoccupied with the traumatic
events - Giving up the right to continuously punish the
person who has wronged you - Deciding whether to maintain or terminate the
relationship
6PTSD Symptoms
7Global Commitment
8Goals of the Initial Session
- Establish safety and trust
- Demonstrate competence
- Expertise regarding affairs and recovery process
- Obtaining relevant information
- Prepare for future sessions
9Addressing Initial Crises
- Contain immediate crises
- Verbal or physical aggression
- Immediate decisions regarding boundaries
- Immediate self-care needs
10Brian and Angela Summary
- Brian 29, injured partner Angela 26,
participating partner - Married 6 years sons ages 3 and 1
- Affair two months duration.
- Marital history and shared work history.
- Individual histories
- Angela Adopted, mother died age 18
- Brian Oldest of 3 siblings college drop-out
11Video Initial Session
- Emphasis on
- Current status of couple relationship
- Status of outside relationship
- Efforts to set boundaries
12Treatment Goals for Stage I
- Re-establish some form of equilibrium for the
couple and individuals - Reduce emotional upset
- Establish behavioral routines
- Minimize additional damage to either individual
or the couple damage control - Minimize hurtful behaviors between the partners
- Minimize either partner creating problems with
the outside world
13Discussing Impact of the Affair
- What assumptions have been violated about who
your partner is and what to expect from your
relationship? - What standards for your marriage (how partners
should behave) have been violated? - What does the affair mean about your partner, the
relationship, and you? - What emotions are you experiencing, and what
ideas go with those feelings? - Given these thoughts and feelings, what behaviors
have changed or have been disrupted?
14Flashback Guidelines
- Clarify whether emotional upset is due to
something currently upsetting or re-experiencing
feelings from past - Let your partner know what is happening (e.g.,
driving by the hotel triggered old feelings) - Let your partner know what you need at present
(e.g., being held being left alone talking
about it) - Balance how much you talk with partner about
flashbacks with other ways to handle on your own
15Treatment Goals for Stage II
- Identify factors that potentially contributed to
vulnerability or risk of affair - Prepare groundwork for additional change
16Treatment Strategies for Stage II
- Present rationale
- Potential benefits and risks of doing this
- Examine potential factors successively
- Relationship factors
- Stressors from outside the marriage
- Individual susceptibilities or contributions
- Participating partner
- Injured partner
- Develop shared, comprehensive formulation
17Rationale for Exploring Context
- For injured partner
- Restores predictability
- Potentially softens view of participating
partner - Contributes to appropriate self-awareness
- For participating partner
- Broadens explanations for hurtful behavior
- Contributes to appropriate self-awareness
- For couple
- May facilitate collaborative efforts at
addressing relationship and outside factors
18(No Transcript)
19Simplified Conceptual Model
- Prior to
Affair During/After Affair - Negative influences High conflict
Pursuit by outsider - and stressors low intimacy
retributions - Positive qualities Warmth of PP
Responsible - increasing risk trust from IP
caring for OP - Absence of Inadequate
Lack of couple - protective factors attention to
friends -
relationship
20Challenges to Stage II
- Confusing understanding with excusing
- Reactivity of injured partner
- Reluctance to examine relationship or own factors
- Preoccupation with why
- Reactivity of participating partner
- Reluctance to hurt injured partner further
- Intolerance for sustained distress
- Differences in time-lines for two partners
21Preparing a Formulation What to Include
- Emphasize multiple contributing factors
- Vulnerabilities or risks from multiple domains
- Both historical (developmental) and recent
- Different factors at different stages of affair
- Cite reductions in risk already achieved
- Propose additional steps to be pursued
22Preparing a Formulation How to Create It
- Formulations from each partner individually
- Formulations developed jointly
- By couple together at home
- With therapist during treatment session
- Regardless of how developed, share and discuss
during treatment session
23Treatment Goals for Stage III
- Strengthening progress from Stages I and II
- Discussing forgiveness and blocks to forgiving or
moving on - Deciding whether or not to continue the
relationship - Either making the necessary changes to rebuild
the relationship or working on a healthy
termination
24Treatment Strategies for Stage III
- Strengthening work from Stages I and II
- Partners discuss how their understanding has
changed since they began treatment - Couple identifies what needs to change in the
relationship, based on what they have learned - Therapist summarizes and gives feedback
25Common Beliefs about Forgiveness
- Forgiveness means staying together
- Forgiveness means excusing the partner or saying
what happened does not matter - Forgiveness means forgetting or no longer feeling
any anger about what has happened - Forgiveness is weak or approving what happened
- Forgiveness must be granted immediately,
particularly if person has apologized - One should not/must not forgive ones partner for
certain types of betrayals affairs, violence,
lies ...
26Our Model of Forgiveness
- Forgiveness is not
- Excusing or forgetting the affair
- Reconciling or staying together
- An immediate or one-time event
- Forgiveness is
- A process
- An opportunity to gain in understanding about
your partner, your relationship, and yourself - A release from being controlled by negative
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors
27Questions for Evaluating the Relationship
- Is the affair isolated event or ongoing pattern?
- Has participating partner been able to make
difficult changes in the past? - Has the injured partner been able to make similar
changes? - Has participating partner accepted
responsibility for his/her own actions? - Are both partners willing to make the necessary
changes? In themselves? In the relationship?
28Treatment Strategies for Stage III
- Deciding whether to continue relationship
- Discuss changes that would need to occur for
relationship to continue - Discuss evidence supporting their ability to make
the desired changes - Discuss partners motivation and willingness to
make the changes - Help them think through what they wish to do
29Video Final Session
- Emphasis on
- Brian reads his letter of forgiveness
- Angela responds to letter
- Partners exchange pledges to move on
30References
- Snyder, D. K., Baucom, D. H., Gordon, K. C.
(2007). Getting past the affair A program to
help you cope, heal, and move on together or
apart. New York, NY Guilford Press. - Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., Gordon, K. C.
(2009). Helping couples get past the affair A
clinicians guide. New York, NY Guilford Press. - Snyder, D. K., Baucom, D. H., Gordon, K. C.
(2008). Treating infidelity An integrative
approach to resolving trauma and promoting
forgiveness. In P. R. Peluso (Ed.), Infidelity.
New York Routledge. - Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K.
(2004). An integrative intervention for promoting
recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of
Marital and Family Therapy, 30, 213-231.
31Douglas K. Snyder, Ph.D., Department of
Psychology Texas AM University, College
Station, TX 77843-4235 Email d-snyder_at_tamu.edu