Communication Basics

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Communication Basics

• Literal content the actual words we speak
• Feeling content nonverbal cues and paralanguage
  coincide with spoken words
• Nonverbal communication facial expression, eye
  contact, body language, distance (55)
• Paralanguage pitch, volume, rate, rhythm of
  speech (35)

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Gottmans Communication Model
Effective communication means INTENT IMPACT
MESSAGE Literal Content Feeling Content
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She looks good in that sweater. I wonder if its
new.
He thinks I spend too much money!
Is that a new sweater?
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Basic Sex Differences Verbal

• Women self-disclose more to same sex friends than
  men (men self-disclose to women)
• Women use less powerful speech
• Hedges (SUVs kind of get bad gas mileage)
• Disclaimers (Im not sure but SUVs guzzle gas)
• Tag questions (SUVs guzzle gas, dont you
  think?)
• Make statements sound like questions

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Sex Difference or Status Difference?

• All of the sex differences discussed have been
  shown in experiments comparing low-status to
  high-status individuals
• When a man talks to his boss might use more
  distance and use tag questions
• When a woman talks to her assistant she uses more
  powerful speech

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Gender Differences in Purpose of Language (Tannen)

• Report talk-purpose of language is instrumental -
  to share and seek useful information
• Rapport talk-purpose of language is expressive
  to gain intimacy and seek understanding

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Who Talks More and Why? Report vs Rapport
(Tannen)

• In private spheres, such as a home, rapport talk
  rules an intimate environment with virtually no
  concern for status issues
• Men talk less, Women talk more
• In public spheres, such as at work or school,
  report talk rules conveying information, using
  logical problem solving and rational arguments.
  Status issues emphasized.
• Women talk less, Men talk more

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Alignment (Tannen)

• Symmetrical Alignment-both parties are on the
  same power level a metamessage of similarity
• Peers or friends in a discussion
• Assymetrical Alignment-either party has taken a
  one-up or one-down position power is not
  equal one is superior and one is inferior
• Criticism, Advice, Directions, etc.

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Communication in Intimate Relationships
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Gender Differences in Alignment in Intimate
Conversations

• Women often take on one-down role (easily
  request help or admit vulnerability)
• Women often accept one-down role if given
  (accept advice or direction)

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Gender Differences in Alignment in Intimate
Conversations

• Men do not take on one-down role (uncomfortable
  requesting help or admitting vulnerability)
• Men do not accept one-down role if given
  (ignore request or advice)

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Examples of Clashing Gender Differences
Discussing Problems

• 1) Dont you care about my problem?- Women are
  confused and hurt when men problem solve instead
  of matching complaints or sharing stories.
• 2) Theyre my problems, not yours.- Men are
  often baffled and put off when women match
  complaints or share stories, rather than problem
  solve.

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Examples of Clashing Gender Differences
Explaining Self

• 3) Why do I have to explain everything to you?
  Often men interpret womens detailed questions
  as nosy and intrusive - explaining ones self
  puts one in the one-down role.

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Examples of Clashing Gender Differences Nagging

• Why do I have to ask a million times before you
  do what I ask?- Men delay responding to request
  because they perceive following orders as being
  in one-down role. Unaware of status issues women
  repeat requests.

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Examples of Clashing Gender Differences Seeking
Help

• Why dont you ask someone for directions?-Often,
  men uncomfortable with one-down role and do
  not seek help.

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Gottman Observed Pattern of Communication That
Predicts Divorce with Amazing Accuracy

• 1) Complaint
• 2) Refusal to Accept Influence
• 3) Reciprocation of Negative Affect

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Complaint

• Example, You didnt call to let me know you were
  going to be late for dinner.
• Usually the woman
• There are many ways to bring up a sticky issue
  which we will discuss later.

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Complaint

• Applying Tannens alignment issues
• Female may just be looking for sympathy,
  understanding, sharing stories
• Eventually perhaps discussion of solutions once
  she has felt understood
• Remember complaints can be interpreted as I know
  more than you

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Refusal to Accept Influence

• Usually male
• Gottman has found 65 of the time men take this
  approach
• This approach usually escalates the conflict

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Refusal to Accept Influence

• Many ways to do this
• (1) ignoring problem
• (2) not accepting responsibility for problem
  (making excuses or blaming others)
• (3) minimizing problem
• (4) bringing up other problems
• (5) ATTACK

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Refusal to Accept Influence

• Applying Tannens alignment issues
• He focuses on one-down alignment, often
  ignoring actual complaint content. Remember men
  hate the one-down position.
• His immediate goal is usually to regain
  symmetrical alignment or one-up position.
• Addressing problem justifies the one-down
  position going against his tendency.

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Reciprocation of Negative Affect

• Usually female
• After the male escalates the argument, she takes
  the bait and responds to him in a further
  escalation of the conflict
• Didnt achieve goal, feels frustrated and
  misunderstood

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Other Behaviors Predicting Divorce (Gottman)

• 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism,
  contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling,
  belligerence) are behaviors either partner
  exhibit individually that predict divorce. In
  over 80 of couples that divorce, at least one
  partner is guilty of one of these behaviors.

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Gottmans Negative Behaviors Complaining

• Complaint I hate it when you forget to call
• Kitchensinking I hate it when you forget to
  call and forget my birthday and forget to pay the
  light bill
• Criticism You are irresponsible.
• Contempt You are a jerk (often expressed
  nonverbally or with paralanguage)

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Negative Behaviors Responding to a Complaint

• Defensiveness
• Yes But I was so busy I forgot to call
• Cross complaint Well you forgot to charge my
  cell phone
• Domineering Its obvious that you are wrong
• Belligerence If Im such a jerk I should just
  leave. Is that what you want?
• Yes, dear Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you say.

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Negative Behaviors Responding to a Complaint

• Stonewalling I refuse to talk about this
  (often conveyed nonverbally while listening)
• 85 of the time in marital conflicts, it is the
  man that does this (Gottman)
• Being stonewalled caused the strongest negative
  physiological effect Gottman found
• Gottman believes it is the cruelest of the
  behaviors he measured

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Other Negative Behaviors

• Negative Mindreading assuming partners
  behavior has a negative cause
• You cant stand it when Im right or You do
  this just to spite me
• Why is mindreading a negative behavior?
• Conflict becomes about discussing motivations
  rather than behaviors, very difficult to resolve
• Finding out the truth is more positive
  alternative
• Hidden Agenda picking or prolonging a fight
  about something other than whats really
  bothering you
• Youre always staring at other women! (when she
  is really worried that he doesnt find her
  attractive)

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Positive Behaviors Complaining

• Positive / Neutral Problem Description We
  often disagree about how to discipline the kids
• I Feel Statements (or XYZ statements) I feel
  X when you do Y in situation Z
• Editing When would be a good time to discuss
  this issue?
• Behavior description Youre late and you said
  you would call.

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Positive Behaviors Responding

• Validation I can see how you feel that way
• Paraphrase So it upsets you when I forget to
  call?
• Perception check You seem upset. Is that
  true?
• Humor I must have been crazy (while making a
  silly face)
• Assent You are right
• Task Oriented Talk So what are we going to do
  about this?

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Positive Behaviors Metacommunication

• Stop Action Hey wait. Lets get back on topic
• Give Feedback on Impact What you just said
  hurt my feelings
• Seek Feedback on Impact How do you feel about
  what I just said?

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Avoiding Complaint Refusal Reciprocation
Pattern

• WOMEN
• Use I Feel Statements
• Edit Metacommunicate
• Fight tendency to Reciprocate Negative Affect

• MEN
• Validate
• Edit Metacommunicate
• Fight tendency to Refuse to Accept Influence

Remind yourself this person loves you to calm
anger
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Identifying Conflict Behaviors

• H, The house is always dirty.
• W, I cant do everything.
• H, Im tired of the same old thing for dinner.
• W, Get yourself a new cook.

Yes But
Belligerence
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Identifying Conflict Behaviors

• H, I feel you are a jerk.
• W, Get over it.
• W, Cant we try to spend more time together?
• H, Sure we can honey right after I earn that big
  promotion.

Criticism
Yes dear
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Identifying Conflict Behaviors

• H, Will you please limit long distance calls?
• W, (rolls her eyes) Will you please shut your
  stinking trap?
• H, You didnt iron my shirt.
• W, You didnt take out the trash.

Contempt
Cross complain
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Identifying Conflict Behaviors

• H, You seem upset by what I just said.
• W, Did what I just said upset you?

Perception checking
Seek Feedback
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Identifying Conflict Behaviors

• H, When you tell me how to drive, it makes me
  upset.
• W, Would it help if I drove when we are in a
  hurry?

I Feel Statement
Task oriented talk
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Identifying Conflict Behaviors

• H, Please dont talk to our daughter that way.
• W, You dont know what youre talking about.
  Dont you dare question me. Anyone who spends as
  much time with their children as I do would see
  Im right.

Domineering
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Identifying Conflict Behaviors

• W, You spend too much time at the bar with the
  boys.
• H, So what.
• W, What are you doing?! Leave your muddy shoes
  outside, moron.

Belligerence
Contempt
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Identifying Conflict Behaviors

• W, I stay at home alone with the kids all day
  then when you come home you wont spend time with
  us.
• H, I work hard all day. I need time to rest

Yes but
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Identifying Conflict Behaviors

• W, I try to keep this place neat. You dont care
  how we live.
• H, Im sick and tired of the way you spend spend
  spend.
• W, (turns the TV up louder)

Negative Mindreading
Stonewall
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Nonverbal Communication

• Facial Expressions
• Universally recognized (innate?)
• Governed by culturally determined display rules
• Easiest for us to control (fake a smile)

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Nonverbal Communication

• Gazing
• Conveys interest or attraction or dominance
• Visual dominance ratio for average person 60
  if listening, 40 if speaking BUT for powerful,
  high-status person 60 if speaking, 40 if
  listening

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Nonverbal Communication

• Touch Interpersonal distance
• Low status people get touched more and get
  crowded in on

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Nonverbal Communication

• Body Language
• Very difficult to control
• High status people adopt asymmetric, open
  positions taking up lots of space

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Finding the Truth

• If there is a discrepancy between literal content
  and feeling content, the truth usually lies
  within the feeling content! (Burgoon, 1994)

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Basic Sex Differences Nonverbal Communication

• Women smile more
• Women make more eye contact when listening, men
  make more eye contact when talking
• Women get touched more
• Women have less interpersonal distance

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Gender Differences in Nonverbal Sensitivity
Affects Communication

• Who can speak effectively using nonverbal cues?
• Body language, facial expression, paralanguage
• Who can interpret nonverbal and verbal speech
  effectively to understand speakers meaning?

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Noller Nonverbal Sensitivity Study

• Noller (1980) examined how accurately married
  couples could understand what their partner
  meant. Accuracy in this study means the speakers
  intent matches the impact on the listener.

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Nollers Study Method

• Speaker with Neutral Intent was told Imagine you
  and your spouse are sitting alone on a cold
  winter evening. You feel cold. You wonder if its
  only you who feel cold.

Im cold, arent you?
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Nollers Study Method

• Speaker with Negative Intent told Imagine you
  and your spouse are sitting alone on a cold
  winter evening. You feel cold. Youre feeling
  that he/she is being inconsiderate by not turning
  up the heat by now and you want him/her to turn
  it up immediately.

Im cold, arent you?
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Nollers Study Method

• Speaker with Positive Intent told Imagine you
  and your spouse are sitting alone on a cold
  winter evening. You feel cold. You want him/her
  to warm you with physical affection.

Im cold, arent you?
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Nollers Results Did Intent Equal Impact?

• It depends! Accurate interpretation of message
  most likely in high marital adjustment group,
  followed by moderate and low groups

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Nollers Results Explaining When Intent Did Not
Equal Impact

• HUSBAND SPEAKER WIFE LISTENER
• When wives did not accurately interpret husbands
  intent, observers also did not understand it
  (errors due to poor encoding)

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Nollers Results Explaining When Intent Did Not
Equal Impact

• WIFE SPEAKER HUSBAND LISTENER
• When husband did not accurately interpret wifes
  message, observers DID understand it (errors
  due to poor decoding).

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Nollers Results Explaining When Intent Did Not
Equal Impact

• WIFE SPEAKER HUSBAND LISTENER
• Husbands decoding errors were found to be due to
  tendency to interpret their wives as having a
  negative intent when they did not.
• Especially common in low adjustment group.

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So Are Women Always Complaining?

• Of course not! BUT 80 of the time it is the wife
  who brings up a sticky subject that needs to be
  discussed (Gottman).