Reptiles in Love

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Reptiles in Love

• Don Ferguson
• www.reptilesinlove.com
• donferguson_at_tds.net

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The Goal

• Reduce intensity between partners.
• This is exactly opposite of attempting to
  increase intimacy. Reducing their closeness and
  tension facilitates their ability to use complex
  neo-cortex abilities.

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Steps towards change

• Partnership
• Friendship
• Intimacy
• With a parallel process of individuation

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Application of fight-or-flight response to
couples battles and withdrawals
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The Psychological Contract

• Assumed based on history, culture, needs
• Subjective
• Changeable

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Warning signs of reptilian brain involvement

• Raised voice
• Repetition
• Insults/sarcasm/put-downs
• Withdrawal, shutting down, surrender, desire to
  escape
• Intimidation or desire to injure
• Need to defend self
• Perceived need to defeat

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Common fears when attempting change

• It wont change
• It will get worse
• It will change but it wont last
• The change will not be sufficient
• I will be talked/coerced into doing or accepting
  things that are not good for me.

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The treatment agreement

• Following the initial assessment- I ask the
  couple to have a brief meeting about their
  experience of the intake. They should discuss
  whether this approach sounds reasonable and
  whether they both feel comfortable with me.
• If agreeing to treatment, they will make one
  evaluation appointment for each and a conjoint
  session for recommendations.

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I need
I cant
Curiosity ----------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------
-----------
You wont Youre bad
You want too much Youre bad
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Anxiety increases anxiety

• Frustrated needs and desires will lead to
  increased anxiety and need for reassurance
• As one acts out this desperation, the partners
  anxiety and desperation increases and so on
• Getting one partner to surrender in some manner
  may only make matters worse

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Family History

• Warning Remember risk of unfair fighting
• Not to blame but to understand skills and
  defenses
• Cultures develop myths and rituals
• Expands the scope of your problems beyond the two
  of you

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The mechanics-assessment

• How do they attempt discussions?
• When do they have time together?
• How do battles begin?
• How do they diagnose each other?
• The exceptions
• When do things go well?
• When do they have their best times?
• Be cautious when asking about exceptions.

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The mechanics- planning

• Planning meetings- timing, time-limits,
  preparation, decreasing surprises
• Place- remember conditioning theory
• Establishing rules of engagement
• Soft start-ups, bids and increasing positives
  (Gottman)

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We need to talk.

• I really need to talk to you and get to know you
  better. I will feel closer to you.
• or
• I want to rip you open emotionally, make you feel
  guilty and inadequate and then tap dance on your
  bloodied useless carcass. This will take about
  four hours.

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So whats the right discussion

• First of allcan we at least help them have the
  same discussion?
• Next they will need to decide what the large and
  small subtexts of the problem are and what each
  of them needs.
• Their mythology may be that they should each have
  the same needs.

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Defining the Problem

• Forcing your brains to organize the data
• Specific and behavioral objectives
• Select and define sub-arguments and distractions
• What are the key subjects and what do they mean
  to each of you?
• What would each of you view as a successful
  conclusion to the topic you have named as
  important?

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Diagrams

• In group or retreat approach consider diagramming
  a difficult discussion
• Break down of parts and the relationships among
  the parts of the fight
• Or draw out the pattern

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Negotiations

• Everything is negotiable.
• The content is least important.
• The content is symbolic.
• When you are stuck, back up to the last point of
  agreement, no matter how minimal.
• Break up old rhythms.

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Brainstorming

• Used to move beyond rigid, hopeless thinking
• Rapid proposal of options
• No critique allowed
• Playfulness encouraged
• Paring down of options

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The Experimental Nature of Change

• Everything a couple asks for or tries is merely
  an experiment.
• Be prepared to back up because
• If an assignment fails, it wasnt resistance. It
  was the wrong assignment.

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Early Building of Positives(Gottman, Hendrix)

• Wish list
• Sacred times
• Initiating times together (How do they get
  together after absences? The arsenic hour is
  described.)
• Celebrating change
• Note These are early interventions and do not
  necessarily address the big issues, yet.

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Relapse

• Inoculating against catastrophic reactions to
  relapse
• Using relapse as a learning tool
• Celebrating new responses to old behaviors
• Discussing continued growth

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After Relapse Tx Begins

• Couples have an initial honeymoon
• They then have a vicious relapse which is all the
  more painful because they thought they had made
  it.
• Now they are ready to do the deeper work beyond
  just learning to be nicer to each other.
• You need to invoke their curiosity.

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Practice, Practice, Practice

• The couple will need to build trust through
  repeated small acts of good faith.
• They initially will wonder if they can expect
  reciprocity.
• They learn that its not important.
• Hebbs Law provides hope
• If it fires together, it wires together.