Word Choice: Eliminate the Clutter

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Word Choice Eliminate the Clutter

• WriteTraits by Vicki Spandel

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Eliminating Extra Clutter

• Imagine that its your birthday. Presents,
  candles, cake, friends. People gather around
  you, and you can feel it coming the song. This
  time it is a little different
• Oh, joyous day honoring the anniversary of the
  momentous occasion of your arrival and dedicated
  to you who were born on this day
• OK, so this is a lesser-known version of Happy
  Birthday to you. Why didnt this one catch-on?

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What to cut?

• Look for clutter in beginnings of sentences and
  in stories. We all introduce too much.
• 1st try It would be great if you all could
  please pay attention while important safety
  information is reviewed.
• 2nd try Pay attention! Your life may depend on
  it.

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What to cut? (continued)

• Hunt down and weed out the useless flowery
  adjectives.
• 1st The cows sat in quiet fascination as the
  morning sun beamed its first gleaming rays upon
  their docile heads.
• 2nd The sleepy brown cows basked in the
  sunlight.

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What to Cut? (continued)

• Slice out unnecessary lists of details and focus
  on the showing detail.
• 1st He was about 6 feet 3 inches tall with
  light brown hair, broad shoulders, a yellow
  T-shirt and a wide goofy grin.
• 2nd He was a tall man with a gap-toothed goofy
  grin that made him look like a toddler about to
  speak his first words.

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Good Shot (handout)

• Read the following and identify areas that are
  cluttered, stuffed, or wordy.
• Where does this piece fit on the Rubric?
• What is the effect on the reader when the writing
  is too cluttered?

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Revision Time

• Try revising the paragraph, eliminating the
  clutter.
• When youre done, compare what you wrote with the
  example provided.
• __ Did you cut even more clutter?
• __ Did you cut almost as much clutter?
• __ Did you not cut as much, but your paragraph
  works well as it is?
• __ Did you not cut as much, but you now think you
  would cut more next time?

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Try the next example

• Try to eliminate the clutter in the section about
  weight loss.

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Weight Loss (trimmed version)

• Both my parents are, as my dad would say,
  shedding some unneeded pounds. I think its
  good for them to be more fit. Fortunately, they
  dont have to eat a bunch of strange food that I
  wouldnt want to eat. Mostly, theyre eating
  less junk food and more fruits and vegetables.
  This is OK with me because Ive always been a
  fruit and vegetable person. That may seem
  strange for a kid, but its true. My parents are
  also exercising more by walking, biking, and even
  running. Although I always beat them at
  basketball, they seem to like that exercise, too!

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Closing Question

• As you were reading and revising, how did you
  decide what was clutter and what was worth
  keeping?

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Extending the Lesson

• Look through old papers for revision for clutter.
• Can dieters get too thin? Can writers cut too
  much? How do writers know when to stop cutting?
  Discuss.

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Acknowledgements

• The preceding presentation was based from a
  lesson printed in
• WriteTraits Teachers Guide, Grade 7 by Vicki
  Spandel.
• Revisers Toolbox by Barry Lane.

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Word Choice Terminology 5 Well-chosen words
convey the writers message in a clear, precise,
highly readable way, taking readers to a new
level of understanding. The writer consistently
chooses explicit, vivid words and phrases that
make the message clear and memorable. The
vocabulary suits the subject and audience. The
writer uses the language of the content area with
skill and ease. 3 Words are reasonably
accurate and make the message clear on a general
level. Most language in the paper is correct and
functional. However, the vocabulary is sometimes
a bit too general, technical, or informal for the
topic, audience or both. The writer does not seem
completely at home with the language and
terminology of the content area. 1 The
language is inappropriate for topic and purpose
or simply does not speak to the audience. One or
more of these problems may be evident A limited
vocabulary does not allow the writer to explore
the subject in depth. The writing is
impenetrable it speaks only to insiders, and has
little or no meaning to a general audience. The
language does little or nothing to enhance the
readers understanding of the topic.