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Title: Tools%20to%20Father%20Children%20Through%20Their%20Stages

Tools to Father Children Through Their Stages
  • Amanda J. Rockinson

Importance of Fathers
  • 3 tools of fathering children at all stages
  • Relationship/ Affection
  • Instruction/Discipline
  • Time

The First Year The Place of Attachment
  • What are some common characteristics of a child
  • Total Dependence
  • Leaning Trust
  • Cries, eats, sleeps

The First Year Tools for the Father
  • Talk to your baby. It is soothing to hear your
  • Sing to your baby.
  • Praise your baby and give him/her lots of loving
  • Spend time cuddling and holding your baby.

The First Year Safety Tools
  • Never shake your newborn baby.
  • Prevent SIDS , put your baby to sleep on her
  • Car seat

The First Year Affection and Instruction
STAGE Affection Instruction
Infancy (First Year) Total dependency. Give compassion and empathy liberally. Feed when needed. Soothe and comfort at the onset of distress. For the most part, you do not have to provide instruction and structure. His being alone, uncomforted, hungry, separate, and totally dependent teaches an infant enough difficult truth for now. Gradually introduce the structure of feeding and nap times.
The Second Year Exploration begins
  • What are some common characteristics of a child
    1-2 year olds?
  • More independent
  • Exploration/ Curiosity
  • mine
  • no
  • Imitative play

The Second Year Physical Development
  • Walking alone
  • Begins to run
  • Climbs up and down from furniture unassisted
  • Stand on tiptoes
  • Kicks the ball
  • Stacking and sorting objects
  • Builds block towers and knocks them over
  • covering and uncovering container
  • turning knobs
  • Scribbles spontaneously
  • Develops spatial concepts in, on, under
  • Tools for Fathers
  • Play matching games
  • Make clay shapes
  • Build with blocks and have child knock them over
    when you say, down

The Second Year Language Development
  • Masters about 50 single words names of familiar
    people, favorite toys, body parts
  • Will omit constant and vowels
  • Points to objects when named for him
  • Use phrase (18-24 mo.)
  • Uses two to four word sentences
  • Repeats words heard in conversation, does NOT
    mean child understands
  • Tools for Fathers
  • Ask toddler to find objects for you or name body
    parts and objects.
  • Help to develop your toddler's language by
    talking with them.
  • Give as much time as needed to finish what is
    trying to be said without hurrying, and then
    answer with the correct pronunciation of the word
    (Thats right, its a ball!)
  • Read to your toddler daily.
  • Speak slowly and clearly
  • Follow simple commands

The Second Year Cognitive Development
  • Understand hiding and separation.
  • Imitation becomes a large part of play (brushes
    hair, babbles into phone)
  • Toddler is director of play.
  • Lacks judgment and the ability to see how one
    thing affects another. Does NOT understand
  • Tools for Fathers
  • Encourage your toddler's curiosity and ability to
    recognize common objects by taking field trips
    together to the park or a bus ride.
  • Be a good role model.
  • Have a special play time (twenty minutes of child
    directed play)
  • Praise when child does something special.
  • Supply judgment that the toddler lacks.

The Second Year Social Development
  • The toddler is self-centered, and is concerned
    with everything in relation to himself/ herself.
  • Little awareness of others feelings and their
    physical responses.
  • Excited about company of other children.
  • Greater self-awareness. Be able to brush teeth
    and wash hands if shown how.
  • Imitator and helper
  • Tools for Fathers
  • Make sure that there are enough toys for everyone
    when siblings are around.
  • Reassure when possessive its okay for him to
    have a turn.
  • When physical aggression occurs, pull toddler
    from the situation. Say, Dont hit, and
    redirect to friendly play.
  • Turn chores into games the toddler can help do.
    Encourage helpful behavior.

The Second Year Toys
  • Board books with large pictures, simple stories
  • Blocks
  • Simple shape sorters
  • Toys that encourage make-believe (child lawn
    mower, kitchen set, tool sets)
  • Digging toys (plastic buckets, shovels, rakes)
  • Dolls
  • Cars, trucks, trains
  • Unbreakable containers all shapes and sizes
  • Bath toys (boats, squeak toys)
  • Push and pull toys
  • Child keyboard or other musical instruments
  • Toy telephone
  • Unbreakable mirror
  • Dress-up clothes
  • Unbreakable items child finds abound the house
    (pots and pans, wodden spoons, cardboard boxes)

The Second Year Behavior and Discipline
  • Behavior Limited understanding of good and
    bad and rules
  • Behavior Acts on the impulse of the moment.
  • Behavior Desire to please and be like parent.
  • Behavior Misbehavior
  • Discipline Clear simple instructions. Eliminate
  • Discipline Firm, gentle guidance over and over.
  • Discipline Give affection to outnumber
    discipline. Model affection and care. Praise and
    give attention for good behavior.
  • Discipline Alert child with voice and facial
    expression remove child from situation. Decide
    on next response.

The Second Year Discipline Strategy
  • 1-2-3- Magic or Timeout
  • Timeout briefly, No attention. No toys. No fun.
  • 1. Say, Do not open door. Toddler persists.
  • 2. Repeat firmly, Do not open door. He opens
  • 3. Repeat instruction and pick child up with back
    toward you.
  • 4. Put child in play pen empty of toys. Stay out
    of site of child/ leave the room.
  • 5. Wait a minute or two til crying subsides, and
    return to him.
  • 6. Reassure child of love.
  • Key Be calm and consistent. Respond immediately
    after child breaks rule.

The Third Year Exploration continues
  • What are some common characteristics of a child
    2-3 year olds?
  • Every other word seems to be no
  • Constant tug of war between total dependence and
    assertion of independence

The Third Year Physical Development
  • Climbs well
  • Walks up and down steps, alternating feet
  • Kicks ball
  • Runs easily
  • Pedals tricycle
  • High energy and activity to strengthen body and
    develop coordination
  • Short attention span
  • Bends over with out failing
  • Makes vertical, horizontal, circular strokes with
  • Turns pages one at a time
  • Screws and unscrews jar lids
  • Coordinate wrist and fingers unwrap candy, unzip
  • Tools for Fathers
  • Kids love piggy back rides
  • Teach to kick and give direction to ball
  • Play games that involve running and climbing
  • Take to the playground slide, floor level
    balance beam
  • Remember The childs self- control and judgment
    lag his/her motor skills, thus you must remain
    vigilant and keep safety on your high priority
    list at all times.
  • Blocks and interlocking construction sets
    (Lincoln Logs, Kinex, Tinker toys) will keep
    childs attention for long time
  • Color/ Finger paints are always fun.
  • Play parade or follow the leader with your

The Third Year Language Development
  • Follows 2-3 component commands
  • Recognizes and identifies almost all common
    objects and pictures
  • Understands most sentences
  • Understands physical relationships- in on
  • Uses 4-5 word sentences (I want my cup Wheres
    the ball dad )
  • Uses pronouns (me,,you,,I)
  • Tools for Fathers
  • Read to your child, daily if possible. Short,
    action oriented (touch, point, name) books are
  • Teach your child simple songs like Itsy Bitsy
    Spider, or other cultural childhood rhymes.
  • Encourage your child to tell you her name and

The Third Year Cognitive Development
  • Makes mechanical toys work. Understanding of
    cause and effect.
  • Matches an object in hand or room to a picture
    in book
  • Plays make-believe with dolls, animals, and
  • Shorts objects by shape and color/ understand
    relations between objects
  • Complete puzzles with 3-4 pieces
  • Understand concept of two.
  • Understands simple time concepts You can play
    after you eat
  • Mentally perform trial and error instead of
    physically manipulating object.
  • Child thinks that everything in the world occurs
    because of him/her. Difficult concepts death,
    divorce, illness.
  • Tools for Fathers
  • Speak in simple word (Father we are going to
    fly to Florida. Child My arms are not strong
    enough. )
  • Be concrete with child.
  • Play sorting and matching games.
  • Make believe play with your child.
  • Help your child to explore her surroundings by
    taking her on a walk or wagon ride.

The Third Year Social and Emotion Development
  • By nature is selfish. Views world almost
    exclusively through own needs and desires.
  • Rarely realize that they are out of line, and
    able to control themselves.
  • Test limits- his and yours.
  • Imitates adults and playmates
  • Spontaneously shows affection
  • Can take turn in games
  • Understands mine and his/her
  • Expresses a wide range of emotion
  • By, three, separates easily from parent
  • Objects to major changes in routine
  • Tools for Fathers
  • Useless to say, How would you feel if? (save
    such comments until your child is about 7)
  • Consistently set reasonable limits.
  • Praise good behavior. Simple, Clear, and
    Specific. This lead the child to feel good about
  • Separation. Do not over react, reassure of
    return. Praise for being good.
  • Let child play with others his/her age. Monitor
    activity for safety, but let children guide

The Third Year Behavior and Discipline
  • Behavior Resist going to sleep.
  • Behavior Nightmares
  • Discipline
  • Help child feel in control by giving choices
    what to wear, bedtime story.
  • Leave night light on.
  • Let child sleep with transitional object.
  • If cries, leave him ten minutes before you go in
    an settle him down again.
  • Discipline
  • Monitor T.V. watching
  • Pleasant story or soothing music before bed

The Third Year Behavior and Discipline
  • Behavior Impulsive temper tantrums, pushing,
    shoving and quarrelling to get own way.
  • Child can not yet control self.
  • Purpose Test limits.
  • Discipline
  • Praise good
  • Positive approach You need to.. You may
  • Distract from unwanted activity or behavior
  • Set limits. Clear rules and immediate, app.
    consequences immediate and appropriate (i.e. 5
    minute time out. Any longer, will forget why

The Third Year Discipline Strategy
  • Extinction
  • 1. Define what child is doing wrong. Be specific
    about the behavior and the circumstance in which
    it occurs.
  • 2. Keep track of how often the child does it, and
    your behavior.
  • 3. Try something new Ignore the childs
    behavior. Be consistent.
  • 4. When child acts properly in situation where
    misbehavior usually occurs, praise the child.
  • 5. If you manage to extinguish the misbehavior
    for a while and it reappears, start the process
    over. It probably wont take long the second

The Third Year Temper Tantrums
  • Important When a child oversteps a limit and is
    pulled back, hell likely react with a tantrum or
    rage- hitting, biting, kicking. This is normal
    and the childs only way to deal with difficult
    realities of life. It is not uncommon for others
    to say that the child is an angel. Because they
    do not trust others, they are not likely to test
    limits. With you, your child will be willing to
    try things that may be dangerous or difficult,
    because he/ she knows that you will rescue if
    he/she gets in trouble.

The Third Year Temper Tantrums
  • Prevent Tantrums
  • Ask in friendly tine.
  • Don't over react to no.
  • Choose battles carefully
  • Offer limited choices when possible.
  • Avoid trigger situations.
  • Reward good behavior with praise and attention.
  • Keep a sense of humor.
  • Dont use physical punishment.
  • Monitor T.V. watching.
  • Controlling Tantrums
  • Distract Let child express emotion, but channel
    anger away from violent , aggressive behavior.
    Turn energy to activity that is more acceptable.
  • If you cant distract, Ignore.
  • In public, remove from situation without
  • If harmful behaviors, put child by themselves and
    follow with consequence when child is calm. Dont
    reason, there is no point.

Affection and Instruction
Stage Affection Instruction
Toddlerhood (1-3) Empathize Coach and guide Understand the fear. Comfort and reestablish the connection after discipline with assurances of love. Limits and boundaries Discipline and correction. No Require more separateness Teach social skills
The Fourth Independence and Autonomy
  • What are some common characteristics?
  • Ages 3-4
  • Magical worlds (fantasy and vivid imagination)
  • Learns social skills/ feelings for others
  • More organized play
  • Learns to express feeling through words instead
    of actions
  • Wants to please and bargain
  • Starts school

The Fourth Year Physical Development
  • Moves forward and backward with ease/ agility
  • Rides tricycle with ease
  • Kicks ball forward
  • Throws ball over head
  • Catches bounced ball most of the time
  • Enjoys more structured physical activity and
    plays longer periods of time
  • Gaining muscular control and concentration can
    grab pencil like adult
  • Spatial awareness develops positions toys with
    great care
  • Likes to discover what he/she can do tools
    (scissors, crayons, etc.)
  • Draws people, begins to copy capital letters
  • Tools for Fathers
  • Play tag or catch
  • Arts and Crafts with close supervision
  • Quiet activities
  • Building blocks, jigsaw puzzles, stringing wooden
    beads, coloring with crayons, build sand castles,
    dressing and undressing dolls with large zippers
    and snaps,
  • Understand constant activity is part of learning
    and fun, not intentionally annoying.
  • Still needs adult supervision to prevent injury
    and accidents as self-control, judgment, and
    coordination are still developing.

The Fourth Year Language Development
  • 300- 1,000 words
  • Talks in 5-6 word sentences
  • Begins to use words to express self and think
  • Whats this?
  • Understands the concepts same and different
  • Masters basic grammar
  • Tells stories
  • Tools for Fathers
  • Help child expand vocabulary. (i.e child,big
    car Father Yes, that is a big gray car.)
  • Dont try to correct pronoun usage, this will
    confuse the child.
  • Foster your child's language by speaking to her
    in complete sentences and in "adult" language.
    Help her to use the correct words and phrases.
  • Help children answer own questions through books.
  • Go to the library and bookstore.

The Fourth Year Cognitive Development
  • Questions everything. Will listen to short and to
    the point answers.
  • Correctly names some colors.
  • Begins to have a clearer sense of time (his
    routine, when mail comes, birthdays ad holidays)
  • Understand counting knows a few numbers
  • Follows 3 part commands
  • Approaches problem from single point of view.
  • Tools for Fathering
  • Give clear and simple explanations. You need to
    so you dont get hurt.)
  • Take Why questions seriously. (Questions Children
    Ask And How to Answer Them. By Miriam Stoppard )
  • If you think child is lagging behind or gifted,
    have child tested. (Preschool Assessment in VA
    Bch. )

The Fourth Year Social Development
  • Interested in new experiences
  • Plays Mom or dad
  • Cooperates/ Interacts with other children begins
  • Negotiates solutions to problems (Sharing,
    trading, taking turns)
  • Dresses and Undresses
  • Fantasy play
  • Develops gender role May be extreme (i.e. girl
    only wear dresses)
  • Child will experiment with attitudes and
    behavior of both sexes and imitate behaviors such
    as flirting. If worried about a certain behavior,
    discuss with pediatrician.
  • Imagines that many unfamiliar images may be
  • Often can not distinguish between real and

The Fourth Year Social Development
  • Tools for Fathers
  • Play games where child can take turns.
  • Remind child of simple solutions and use words to
    deal with conflicts
  • Model peaceful conflicts (If you have a temper,
    he/she will mimic you)
  • If physically aggressive, remove from situation.
    Determine childs feeling and why. Make clear
    child expression was no-good. Have child
  • Let your child help with simple chores.
  • Encourage your child to play with other children
  • Dont joke child may believe you and fear all
    day. (i.e. leave him if he doesnt hurry)
  • Reassure child when frightened by imaginary
    incident. Dont belittle. It is part of normal
    emotional development.
  • Join fantasy play, but keep your performance low-
    key. Let him run the play.
  • Talking and listening shows that his/her opinion
  • Give simple choices (i.e. between 2-3 food or 2
  • Nurture independence by letting child know that
    you are the parent and in control but give him
    some freedom.

The Fifth Year Initiative
  • What are some common characteristics of a child
    4-5 year olds?
  • Out-of- bound behavior
  • Response getters
  • More calm and confident
  • Little sense of property
  • Vivid imaginations

The Fifth Year Physical Development
  • Coordination, balance, and ability to use hand
    almost fully
  • Hops, somersaults
  • Swings, climbs
  • Runs ahead of you to show independence.
  • Copies patterns
  • Draws person with body
  • Prints some letters
  • Uses fork, spoon, and sometimes knife
  • Brushes teeth and gets dress with little
  • Tools for Fathers
  • Remind child to hold your hand when they cross
    the street.
  • Take them to the pool or beach, but never leave
    their side. Swimming is not yet consistent.
  • Arts and Crafts tracing stars and diamonds,
    painting and finger painting, clay, cutting and
    pasting, Note These activities promote skill,
    creativity, and self-esteem. Thus, Be careful not
    to direct in one direction.
  • Build complex structures with blocks.

The Fifth Year Language Development
  • 1,000- 1,500 words
  • Pronounce most sounds, except for f,v,z,s and
  • Recalls stories
  • Speaks in more complex sentences, 5
  • Uses future tense
  • Says names and addresses
  • Explores the power of words (likely to use swear
  • I hate you! I am angry, and I want you to
    help me sort out my feelings.
  • Constant chatter
  • Tools for Fathers
  • Make conscious effort not to use word, you dont
    want child to use.
  • Child will likely use swear words and other
    inappropriate words. They probably dont know
    what they mean. Dont over react and correct.
  • When child says I hate you, remain calm, tell him
    he does not hate you, and reassure that it is
    alright to feel angry.
  • Counteract insult with humor.
  • Teach address
  • Teach poems and songs

The Fifth Year Cognitive Development
  • May comprehend counting, alphabet, size
  • Correctly names at least four colors
  • Knows about things used everyday in home
  • Understands that the day is divided in morning,
    afternoon, and evening.
  • Self-motivated learning and interests.
  • Asks lots of general, universal questions.
    (I.e.Why is the sky blue?)
  • Tools for Father
  • Provide a wide range of learning opportunities
    zoo, childrens museums, etc.
  • Find childs interest and supply an experiential
    opportunity in that area.
  • Read, read, read.
  • Answer questions, simply and honestly. Rely on
    children's books to help you answer questions.
    The library is a great resource.
  • Dont force learning, give opportunity.

The Fifth Year Social Development
  • Tools for Fathers
  • Take child to the park, playground, or preschool
    activities to meet and interact with others.
  • Encourage child in friendship (I.e. suggest e/she
    invite the friend over.) Its important to show
    off house, family, and possessions to develop a
    sense of pride.
  • Best way to deal with misbehavior express
    disapproval, discuss what is really meant or
    felt, do not emotionally react (it encourages bad
    behavior) . If bad behavior persists, use
  • Separate child from behavior. Make sure child
    understands that he has consequences for his
    deed, not because he is bad.
  • Give simple responsibilities and praise child for
    doing them.
  • Wants to please friends
  • Wants to be like friends
  • Realizes that there are other values and opinions
    besides parents, may test this by demanding
    things never allowed before (I.e. t.v., clothes,
  • More likely to agree to rules
  • Likes to sing, dance, and act
  • Shows more independence, visits the neighbor by
  • Explores good and bad extremely simplified sense
    of morality. Obeys rules rigidly. Obeys to avoid

Effective Discipline for Preschoolers
Behavior Effective Constructive
Temper Tantrums Walk away Talk when calm
Overexcited Distract with other activity. Talk when calm
Hitting/ Biting Remove from situation Talk about consequences
Not Paying Attention Establish eye contact and hold Lower expectation
Refuse to Pick up Toys Dont let play until job done. Show or help Praise when done
Effective Tools for Establishing Relationship
  • Begin in Infancy and continue until Adulthood
  • The Blessing
  • Special Play Time

The Blessing
  • 5 components
  • Meaningful Touch
  • Spoken Word
  • Communicate High Values
  • Picture a Special Future
  • Active Commitment

Special Play Time
  • Twenty thirty minutes daily or weekly
  • A time without interruptions and other people.It
    should be a convenient time when parent is not
    distracted. Only you and the child.
  • Call it special time so child knows what it is.
  • Let child choose and direct the activity.
  • Time should be consistent and fixed. Use a timer.
  • If child misbehaves, the child should be ignored
    or given appropriate consequences while time is
    still going.

Ages Five and Six Physical Development
  • Growth is slow, but steady.
  • Enjoy testing muscle skill and strength skip,
    run, dance.
  • Catch small balls.
  • Learn to tie shoelaces
  • Can mange buttons and zippers
  • Enjoy performing physical tricks.
  • Copy designs and shapes.
  • Print their name
  • Skilled at using scissors and small tools (still
    need supervision)

Ages Five and Six Cognitive and Language
  • Ability to speak rapidly.
  • During play, use new words they learn.
  • Can tell left from right
  • Vivid imaginations. Stories seem very real.
  • Attention span is lengthening.
  • Understand time and days of the week.
  • Like riddles and jokes
  • View things black and white, right and wrong
  • (b/d)
  • Reading may become major interest
  • May reverse printed letters
  • Ability to add and subtract
  • Improved ability to distinguish between real and
  • Fast mapping 10,000 words still dont know all
    the meanings
  • Greater use of self-discipline in directing

Ages Five and Six Social Development
  • Best friend and enemies cooperation and
  • Playmates of the same sex
  • Plays well in groups, and sometimes alone.
  • Do not like criticism or failure or being ignored
  • Think of themselves more than others
  • Helpful with simple chores
  • Like to take care of younger siblings
  • Good approval or parents bad disapproval
  • Begin to care about feelings and needs of others
  • Develop a sense of humor, enjoy rhymes, songs,
    and riddles.

Ages Five and Six Building a Relationship
  • Active play jump rope, hop scotch, skip, etc.
  • Dance and sing
  • Play tug of-war
  • Play sorting games and non-competitive games (The
  • Draw, paste, mold clay
  • Teach basic sewing
  • Encourage children to talk about their feelings
    while working of a project together.
  • Count things, identify letters and numbers at
    home or when driving.
  • Read a story out loud and have child dramatize.

School Age Toy List
  • Arts and Crafts
  • Musical Instruments
  • Sports equipment
  • Camping equipment
  • Construction sets
  • Electric Trains
  • Bikes (use helmet)
  • Models
  • Board games
  • Skate boards (use helmet)

Ages Seven and Eight Physical Development
  • Larger muscles in arms and legs are more
    developed than smaller muscles. Inproved jumping,
    throwing, kicking, and bouncing of the ball.
  • Difference among size and abilities of seven and
    eight year olds. This will affect how child gets
    along with others, how they feel about
    themselves, and what they participate in.
  • Even though they get tired, they do not want to
  • Permanent teeth.

Ages Seven and Eight Cognitive and Language
  • Increased ability to remember, pay attention, and
    express idea
  • Things are black and white right and wrong
  • Thats not fair often to not accept rules that
    they do not help make.
  • Learn to plan ahead and evaluate what they do.
  • Concrete operational thinking
  • Develop logic and reversible thinking
  • Increased skills in hierarchical classification/
    Like to collect things.

Ages Seven and Eight Social Development
  • Want to do things for themselves and by
    themselves, yet will ask assistants when needed.
  • Peers identification have fun together, learn by
    watching and talking, ban together when problem
    arises, give support, understand how they feel
    about themselves
  • Beginning to see things from others point of
    view, still have trouble
  • Involvement in organized activities
  • Academic, social, and physical self-esteem based
    on failure and success.

Ages Seven and Eight What They Need From Fathers
  • Guidance, Rules, and Limits
  • Help problem solving
  • Help to express their feelings in an appropriate
    manner when worried or upset.
  • Need more love, attention, and approval than
  • Confrontation rather than criticism

Ages Seven and Eight Building a Relationship
  • Child learns best by doing. Demonstrate
    instructions for activities or projects.
  • Projects, games, crafts, and activities that use
    large and small muscles together. Dont expect
  • Encourage cooperation rather than competition.
    Play games that have both.
  • Collect shells at the beach.
  • Encourage children to talk about feelings. Model
    how to talk about feelings (I.e. I statement
    reflective listening)

Ages Nine to Twelve Physical Development
  • Girls usually a year or two ahead of boys
  • Growth spurts
  • Improved coordination, balance, and reaction time
  • Pubertal and hormonal changes
  • Cursive writing
  • Three dimensional drawings

Ages Nine to Twelve Cognitive Development
  • Shows interest in reading fictional stories,
    magazines, and how-to-do project books
  • Develops special interest / hobby
  • Fantasizes and daydreams about the future
  • Enjoys planning and organizing tasks
  • Product and goal oriented
  • Great intentions, difficulty following through
  • Greater meta cognitive awareness
  • Uses memory strategies in learning
  • Understands metaphors, double meanings, and humor
  • Formal operational thinking
  • Emergence of idealism and critical thinking

Ages Nine to Twelve Social Development
  • Interest in social comparison of self with others
  • Increased interest in competitive sports
  • Shows interest in opposite sex by teasing and
    showing off
  • Ability to adapt conversation to needs of others
  • May be verbally cruel to peers put downs
  • Belonging is important likes being a member of
  • Prefers spending time with peer rather than
  • Increased moodiness and parent-child conflict
  • Begins to see that parents and authority figures
    make mistakes
  • Morality based on external qualities sees things
    as right and wrong, with no room for difference
    of opinion
  • Emergence of faith and spirituality

Ages Nine to Twelve Hobbies
  • Arts and crafts/ carpentry
  • Musical Instruments
  • Sports
  • Bikes
  • Models
  • Board games such as monopoly and chess
  • Skates/ Skate boards

Ages Nine to Twelve Building a Relationship
  • Provide opportunities for child to help out with
    real skills. Cook dinner together or change to
    oil in the car.
  • Play games of strategy checkers, chess,
  • Have parties at your home.
  • Encourage child to call friends from school and
    participate in organized groups.
  • Provide time and space for child to be alone-
    read, daydream, journal, or do home work
  • Give child some responsibility, but do not burden
    them with too many adult responsibilities.
  • Note Be prepared to use all your patience
    skills as your child may tend to think that he or
    she does not need adult care or supervision.

School Aged Children Discipline or Punishment
  • Punishment automatic reaction that has limited
    usefulness in changing childs behavior
  • Discipline to teach child self-discipline

School Aged Children Discipline
  • Limits
  • Choices
  • Consequences
  • Behavioral Charts/ Contracting

School Aged Children Building a Relationship
  • Praise
  • Simple
  • Sincere
  • Specific
  • Boost Self-Esteem
  • Effective Communication
  • I statement
  • Reflective listening
  • Family meetings

Helping Your School Aged Son or Daughter Succeed
  • Pg. 177

Adolescents General Character tics
  • Testing limits Know it all.
  • Vulnerable, emotionally insecure, fear of
    rejection, mood swings.
  • Identification with admired adult.
  • Bodies are going through physical changes that
    affect personal appearance.
  • Forming identity Who Am I?

Adolescents Physical Development
  • Small muscle coordination is good, and interest
    in arts, crafts, models, and music are popular.
  • Bone growth is not yet complete.
  • Early maturers may be upset with their size.
  • Are very concerned about their appearance.
  • Diet and sleep habits can be bad, which may
    result in low energy levels.
  • Girls may begin menstruation.

Adolescents Cognitive Development
  • Tend to be perfectionists.
  • Want more independence, but need guidance and
  • Attention span can be lengthy.

Adolescents Social Development
  • Being accepted by friends becomes quite
  • Cliques start to develop outside of school.
  • Team games become popular.
  • Crushes on members of the opposite sex are
  • Friends set the general rule of behavior.
  • Feel a real need to conform.  They dress and
    behave in order to belong.
  • Are very concerned about what others say and
    think of them.
  • Have a tendency to manipulate.
  • Interested in earning own money.
  • Are very sensitive to praise and recognition. 
    Feelings are hurt easily.
  • Caught between being a child and being an adult.
  • Loud behavior hides their lack of self
  • Look at the world more objectively, adults
    subjectively, critical.

Adolescents 10 Things Teens Want in their
Parents (Understanding Todays Youth Culture,
Walt Mueller)
  • Dont argue in front of them
  • Treat each family member the same
  • Honesty
  • Tolerant of others
  • Welcome their friends in their home
  • Build a team spirit among their children
  • Answer their questions
  • Give punishment when needed, but not in front of
    others, especially friends
  • Concentrate on strengths instead of weaknesses
  • Consistency

Seven Things Teens Cry For (GallupCries of Teen
  • Trust (92.7)
  • Love (92.2 )
  • Security (92.1)
  • Purpose (91.6 )
  • To be Heard/ Listened To (91.5)
  • To be Valued / Appreciated (88.25)
  • Support (87.4 )

Answering the Cry of Teens
  • Trust Teens think I spend time with those I
  • Activities Pick place on map (w/in 20 miles) and
    explore Go to Music store and listen to CDS.
    Watch a popular Teen flick try a new hobby or
    sport together Go to a nice restaurant.
  • Love Write an e-mail offering love and praise,
    hug, schedule one-on one time, make an effort in
    their activities (Picking them up at school,
    taking them shopping), Identify their love langue
  • Security S.T.A.B.I.L.I.T.Y. (Share, Time,
    Assure, Balance, Inform, Listen, Initiate, Touch,
    You) be there emotionally and physically

Answering the Cry of Teens
  • Purpose Share spirituality, mentor, do community
    service together
  • Heard Schedule connect-time at hang-out listen
  • To Be Valued verbally express worth Pay
    Attention Rites of Passage The Blessing
  • SupportConnection (be there) Direction (Advise
    when asked) Motivation (motivate to do) Lett go
    (Give Freedoms)

Adolescents Activities They Enjoy
  • Eat breakfast at McDonalds
  • Skating
  • Attend a Hockey game
  • Play basketball
  • Visit a museum
  • Take art lessons
  • Go hiking
  • Play a board or card game
  • Play video games
  • Ride bikes
  • Shop for cars
  • Design a web site
  • Go shopping
  • Go bowling
  • Try a new hobby together
  • Rent a movie
  • Eat at a restaurant
  • Go to the music store and listen to CDs
  • Get out your year book and talk with your teen
    about being a teen.
  • Host a get together for friends

Adolescents Simple Ways to Say You are Special
  • More than anything eles, an adolescents needs
    their parents affirmation. I delight in you!
  • Pay attention!
  • Show Up!
  • Be available when you are home!
  • Really Listen and help teens talk
  • Eye contact
  • Ask questions that elicit conversation
  • Share own experiences
  • Reassure teen that they can talk with you
  • Listen for signals
  • Share your values by example

5 Ways to Frustrate Your Adolescent
  • Judge by appearance or by what media presents
  • Sarcasm and put-downs
  • Expecting teen to act like an adult because they
    look like an adult.
  • Minimizing Feelings
  • Assuming that what worked before ( as children)n
    will work now.

AdolescentsMaking Discipline Work
  • Parents continue to treat their adolescents like
    theyre still children, which often doesnt work.
    Then the parents wonder, What happened? Dr.
    Hofmann, a pediatrician
  • The basic aspects of nurturing and raising teens
    are the same as when they are little. Teens need
    love and support, but also discipline and limits.
  • Adolescents, so intent on asserting their
    independence, tend to see themselves tyrannized
    by rules. Parents need to remember two things
  • Consistency is the key to discipline
  • Not all rules are equally as important, and
    parents may need to bend

Adolescents Making Discipline Work
  • Establish boundaries/limits that communicate
  • Spell out desire be specific
  • Then specify positive consequence for compliance
  • And negative consequence for noncompliance
  • Rights and responsibilities are subject to
    change. Good judgment increased freedom and
  • Be reasonable and achievable
  • Consequences
  • Actively ignoring
  • Disapproval
  • Imposing additional responsibility
  • Imposing additional restriction

Adolescents General Rules of Administering
  • Never punish when you are angry.
  • Never impose a penalty you are not prepared to
    carry out.
  • Short-term consequences work best (hours or days
    depending on severity of crime)
  • Dont use guilt.
  • Help adolescent learn from their mistake.
  • Impose consistent discipline

Adolescents Restoring Peace in Conflict and
  • Time-out for dad- gain composure dont loose
  • Use I statement to reflects your feelings
  • If you make an accusation, be specific
    (I.e.David, you forgot.. NotYou never..)
  • Explain why the behavior makes you upset or
  • Dont bring up past events.
  • Don't belittle feelings.
  • Ask teens solution to the problem (Remember Your
    goal is not to win, but to resolve conflict)
  • Youre wrong? Admit it.

Adolescents No Hitting Below the Belt
  • Dont overgeneralize, using always never
  • Dont give the silent treatment
  • Dont resort to name-calling and put-downs
  • Dont presume that you know what the other person
    is feeling
  • Dont assume the other person should know what
    you are thinking or feeling
  • Dont play the tit for tat game, respond to a
    complaint with a complaint

Great Web Sites
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Great Books
  • How to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble and What
    To Do If You Cant by Bernstein
  • Surviving your Adolescents by Phelan
  • The Seven Cries of Todays Teen by Smith
  • Positive Discipline for Single Parents by Nelsen,
    Erwin, and Delzer
  • Positive Discipline A to Z by Nelsen, Lott, and
  • The Power of positive Talk Words to help Every
    Child Succeed by Bloch
  • Boundaries with children by Townsend and Cloud
  • The Blessing by Smalley and Trent

  • National Network for Child Care-NNCC. Nuttall, P.
    (1999). Family day care fact Sheet series.
    Amherst, MA University of Massachusetts.
  • Schor, E. (1999)The complete and authoritative
    guide to caring for your school-age child. New
    York, New York Bantam Book.
  • Schor, E. (1999)The complete and authoritative
    guide to caring for your baby and young child.
    New York, New York Bantam Book.
  • Schor, E. (1999)The complete and authoritative
    guide to caring for your adolescent. New York,
    New York Bantam Book.