Gestalt Therapy: A Doorway to the Heart of a Boy

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Gestalt Therapy A Doorway to the Heart of a
Boys Masculinity

• Author and Presenter Michael

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The Stages of the Masculine Journey

1. Boyhood
2. Cowboy / Ranger
3. Warrior
4. Lover
5. King
6. Sage

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First Two Stages of the Masculine Journey

• Stage One Boyhood
• Personal Experiences
• Safe
• Adventurous
• Powerful and Dangerous
• Beloved
• Antwone Fisher (Movie)
• Wounded

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Stage Two Cowboy / Ranger

• A notable shift
• A time to test his strength and his limits
• Wants to answer the question have I got what it
  takes?
• Answer comes through adventure and party hard
  work
• Experience
• Wounded and underdeveloped
• Sheltered from taking risks
• Risk is too great and is set up to fail
• There is no father present to interpret setbacks
  and offer encouragement
• Crucial stage of a boys life and needs all the
  support he can muster

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Rite of Passage

• Consists of 3 Stages
• History
• Present time
• The problem in todays society
• 300 (Movie)

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Gestalt Applications

• As with the Masculine Journey, Gestalt Therapy
  needs to be experienced. We need to make the
  transition from words on a page to something that
  is lived, embodied and known intimately.

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• Ive always been intrigued by Gestalt stuff but
  never really got a handle on it. I think I
  probably do a lot of Gestalt type work, but Im
  never sure what that means. I remember one time
  I saw a book in which Perls was interviewed and
  the cover said something like, Fritz finally
  reveals the secrets of what his theory is all
  about, or something like that. I bought the
  book, I got home and dipped into it right away.
  The first question was, So Fritz, tell us what
  your theory is all about?. Not only did Fritz
  not answer the question but within minutes he had
  the interviewer pretending he was an Aeroplane.
• I love this goofy stuff even if I dont know
  what it means. Maybe Perls would consider that
  progress because he was so antiintellectual.
  Anyway, some time soon I intend to experience
  this theory more, since you cant really learn it
  by studying it from the outside (Kottler, 2004,
  p.135).

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Field Sensitive Practice

• Field theory is elusive and slippery. It is
  really difficult to pin down what it means in the
  Physical realm.
• The field is everything that exists. It is
  dynamic and interrelated. Everything is of the
  field and cannot be separated from it.
• If the Masculine Journey is a map, the field is
  an atlas or a globe.
• As the Earth is revolving, the field is evolving
  and constantly changing.
• Small events can have broad and unexpected
  results. For example, a butterfly flapping its
  wings in China could have an impact on the
  weather at Chichago Island where the grizzlies
  are known to feed. A person in therapy could
  have a ripple affect on family, friends,
  community and even ecology.

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Two types of focus used in practice

• Larger Context
• Experiential Field

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• In terms of a Larger Context, what has been
  happening in the world over the past few years?
• 9/11 and the threat of terror
• Global Warming
• Credit crunch / Financial crisis
• My interpretation of what is happening in the
  world is FEAR.

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If we were to narrow the field down to your
client, ask yourself these questions

• What impact do you think FEAR is having on a boys
  life right now?
• If a boy doesnt feel safe in his fathers arms
  and is fearful of what is happening in the world,
  how is he going to feel free to be an adventurer
  or an explorer?
• When a boy is in the Cowboy Stage and mum and dad
  are constantly worried about what is out there,
  what impact do you think it would have on a boys
  development?
• When a boy comes to see you in therapy, what does
  he bring into the field? Does he have a dad? If
  he does, what is he like? Does he have any male
  influence in his life at all? If his dad is not
  around, what does he think of men in general? If
  he has a mother as one parent, does she give him
  the freedom to go out and play? Does she
  encourage the active intervention of older men in
  his life? And what message is his she giving to
  him about his father?

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If I were to narrow the Field down to you, ask
yourself this

• What do you bring into the Field?
• If you are a man, what were your experiences as a
  boy? Did you feel safe in your fathers arms?
  Did you feel free to go out there and explore?
  And as you grew bigger, did you discover through
  experience that you have got what it takes? Was
  your father around to interpret your failures and
  setbacks in life and did he encourage you to try
  again? Did you go through a Rite of Passage to
  formally recognise you as a man? Or are you
  still a boy in a mans body?

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Dr Arne Rubinstein from Pathways Foundations
outlines the differences between boys and men.
Lets have a look at what he says.

• Boys Psychology
• Seeks acknowledgments
• Power is for me
• Centre of the universe
• I will live forever
• Ruled by emotions
• No responsibility for actions
• Wants a mother

The difference Between Boys and Men
Rite of Passage

• Healthy Men's Psychology
• Has a mission
• Power is for sharing
• Part of the universe
• I am mortal
• Stands with emotions
• Full responsibilities for actions
• Seeks relationship with feminine

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And, if you are women, have you been initiated
into the world of women in a positive way? What
do you bring into the Therapeutic setting? Are
you still a girl in a womens body? Lets have a
look at what he says about the differences
between a girl and a women.
The difference between Girls and Women
Rite of Passage

• Healthy Women Psychology
• Looks to self for acceptance
• Owns emotions
• Seeks equal respectful relationship
• with men
• Full responsibility for actions
• Sees other women as support
• Self acceptance drives identity
• Balances care for self and others

• Contemporary Girl Psychology
• Looks to peer group for acceptance
• Ruled by emotions
• Relies heavily on Male approval
• No responsibility for actions
• See other girls / women as competition
• Body image drives identity
• Cares only for self or only for others

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• What is your Achilles heel?
• Where do you stand on this continuum?

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The Dialogic Relationship

• To put simply, the dialogic relationship is a
  dialogue between two people.
• It is a very special type of meeting a genuine
  meeting where both parties are risking themselves
  to be real people.
• It is a willingness to sit down face to face at
  an equal level with your client and be a full
  blooded human being in hereandnow contact.
• Three points in regards to the Dialogic
  Relationship.

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1. Presence

• Presence is when you are fully present to the
  client and do as much as possible to be in the
  here and now. This requires you to let go of or
  bracket all of your concerns in order to be
  there.
• Presence is when you have gone through a process
  of initiation and are able to relax and be your
  authentic self. It is only then that your client
  will be able to do the same with you.
• They will also see a difference in you, hear a
  difference in you, smell a difference in you and
  taste a difference in you.
• Furthermore, if you are an initiated man and have
  been able to father your boy, then you will be
  able to invite him into the therapeutic setting
  and be present with you.
• If you are to be present, then this is probably
  the first time he has felt safe to be a boy and
  be in someones arms of care and know that
  everything is going to be alright.
• Imagine how healing that experience would be for
  the client. It would be awesome.

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2. Confirmation

• Confirmation is when the therapist takes the
  client seriously and confirms his experience
  through accepting and validating.
• It is having a willingness to listen to your
  client and convey to him that he matters to you.
• It is also about showing him that you are not the
  enemy and willing to support his point of view.
• This is especially true, because most adolescents
  experience adults as critical and bossy. Being
  an adult who is willing to hear his story without
  having to impose adult values or opinions is
  critical before any other intervention stands a
  chance.
• Growing up is hard work and the development
  process can create huge amounts of stress
  especially when a boy is crossing the threshold
  into manhood.
• This does not mean that the therapist agree or
  condone everything the client says and can demand
  a lot from the therapist especially when you
  disagree with the clients values and in the grip
  of negative transference.
• It is a willingness to go out on a limb and truly
  involve yourself at an emotional level for the
  purpose of your clients growth.

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3. Willingness for Open Communication

• (A special message for the male therapist)
• It is a willingness to share with him when
  appropriate what it was like for you as a boy
  growing up, including those defining moments that
  have shaped you as a man.
• A boy needs you to be willing to open up about
  some of your difficulties and challenges and how
  you were able to pick yourself up and get back
  into life again.
• These stories are gold to a boys healing
  especially when they hear it from an older man
  who can help reinterpret his failures and
  setbacks and give him a strong message that he
  has got what it takes.
• As with the bears in Alaska, you can reveal to
  him your footprints and show him a way that has
  worked for you.
• Be sure to remember that a willingness for open
  communication does not come with a licence for
  impulsive behaviour. It comes with caution and
  being mindful of balancing your needs with that
  of the client.

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Experimentation

• Experimentation is a creative adventure of self
  discovery where the client can experience himself
  differently in this world.
• This requires the therapist to be comfortable
  with not knowing and trusting what is, while
  acting out of his/her curiosity, interest and
  intuition.
• The role of the therapist is crucial in the
  development and enactment of experiments given
  that a good experiment emerges naturally from the
  dialogue that is already happening in the
  therapeutic relationship.
• Some examples of an experiment include
• Sand play
• Clay work
• Art projects
• Empty chair
• Role plays
• Emotional release processes
• Journal writing

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Some Considerations

• (Specifically related to Boyhood and the Cowboy
  stage)

Grading Finding the balance between support and
risk. A boy needs to feel safe to be
adventurous, valued and prized. A young man
needs to feel safe to engage in confidence
building experiences and challenged enough to
send him a strong message that he has got what it
takes.
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Testosterone

• Some facts On average, the level of
  testosterone in a boy is nine times higher than
  that of a girl. Between the age of eleven and
  fourteen, the level of testosterone is 800 more
  than in infancy (Ykema, 2002,p.23).
• When the level of testosterone increases, so does
  the urge to move.
• Freerk Ykema (the founder of Rock and Water)
  believes that the most effective way to reach a
  boy is through physical communication.
• Physical communication is when you invite the boy
  to do something physical and subsequently ask him
  to sit down and talk about what he just
  experienced.
• Emotional release processing such as
  bioenergetics is an example of physical
  communication. It requires the Client to release
  excessive energy, activates the imagination and
  enhances self expression.

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Testosterone cont

• Some Gestalt Therapists believe that there is
  case for Impressive Therapeutic interventions to
  help the Client restrain his spontaneity when he
  experiences an overabundance of sensation or
  energy.
• I am not sure about this. With high levels of
  testosterone and a urge to more boys are already
  told enough to sit down and be quiet. As Steve
  Biddulp says in his book Manhood by the time a
  boy becomes a man, he is like a tiger with huge
  energies untapped.
• He also says in his other book Raising Boys
  that one of the main reasons boys suffer from ADD
  is because they need their dads attention. I
  agree. When I draw from my experiences at KHL
  and Parentline, I believe that if we try to
  restrain a boys spontaneity in therapy, then we
  risk emasculating the boy even further.
• Emotional release processing is a doorway to
  invite the boy to let go, follow his impulses and
  be in touch with his wild spirit in a safe
  manner.

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Intentionality and Ritual(And a special message
for fathers and father figures).

• As a therapist, invite the father or father
  figure and a company of men into the field by
  designing a year of real life adventures where
  the boy can experiment with confidence building
  experience as he crosses the threshold into
  manhood.
• This could include giving him books to read about
  other young men who showed great courage and
  vision.
• Gifting him with a leather journal which includes
  a message in the opening pages that explains to
  him on a personal note the purpose of a rite of
  passage.
• Taking him camping, fishing, hunting, rock
  climbing, or sleeping under the stars and
  inviting him to experience his wild spirit in
  nature.
• Welcoming him into the fellowship of men by
  celebrating his birthday in their company. To
  begin the evening by telling the other men an
  experience you had with your son where he came
  through and succeeded.
• Inviting him on an adventure with purpose. To
  show him what you do behind the scenes that makes
  a contribution to society.

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Intentionality and Ritual cont

• Inviting him to experience hard work especially
  where he is offered the chance to prove himself
  in front of older men.
• Spiritual lessons This can include watching
  movies with him that stirs his heart into a
  larger story that demonstrates courage and
  integrity.
• Solitude Take him to an isolated spot in nature
  where he can experiment what it is like to be in
  his own company.
• The Passage Ceremony
• Could Include 3 Parts
• Giving an account of his life through stories,
  photos or videos.
• Inviting the boy to tell his father and other
  older men his learnings and insights for the
  year.
• Giving him gifts which symbolise masculine
  strength and a message that he is part of the
  world of men.

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• Experiment with all of these activities. Be open
  to the emerging figure. See it as an adventure of
  self discovery and allow your son to experience
  himself differently in this world.
• As a therapist, invite the father to come back to
  therapy along the way so he can talk about those
  experience in front of his son in the here and
  now.