Revising

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Revising
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• Developing a clear style
• Developing a concise style
• Developing a lively style
• Developing an emphatic style

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Developing a clear style

• Give your sentence content
• The meaning of the poem isnt very clear the
  first time you read it, but after several
  readings, the poets meaning comes through.
• One important factor that is the basis for
  determining a true friend is the ability that
  person has for being a real human being.
• Make Your Sentences Specific

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• His neighbor bought a really nice old desk.
• His neighbor bought an oak roll-top desk made in
  1885 that contains a secret drawer triggered by a
  hidden spring.
• My roommate is truly horrible.
• My thoughtless roommate leaves dirty dishes under
  the bed, sweaty clothes in the closet, and
  toenail clippings in the sink.

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• Avoid overpacking your sentences
• My goal is an America where something or anything
  that is done to or for anyone is done neither
  because of nor in spite of any difference
  between them, racially, religiously, or
  ethnic-origin-wise.
• Fix Major Sentence Errors
• Fragment
• Run-on sentences

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Developing a concise style

• Conciseness means briefness in writing, it is
  necessary for us to give a lot of information
  with a few words as possible.
• Say what one really wants to express, saving
  unnecessary words
• Do not repeat the same linguistic form, or repeat
  the same idea in different forms.

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• Avoid Deadwood Constructions
• The reason the starving novelist drove fifty
  miles to a new restaurant was because it was
  serving his favorite chicken dish, Pullet
  Surprise.
• Because of the fact that his surfboard business
  failed after only a month, my brother decided to
  leave Minnesota.

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• More examples
• regardless of the fact that
• due to the fact
• the reason is that
• as to whether or not to
• at this point in time
• it is believed that
• concerning the matter of
• by means of
• these are the kinds of . . . that
• on account of

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• Wordiness
• Each candidate will be evaluated on an individual
  basis.
• The New York blackout produced a crisis-type
  situation.
• The lack of responsibility of John made him
  fail the class.
• The movie was kind of disturbing.
• The computer is a new innovation.

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• Avoid redundancy
• The group consensus of opinion was that the pizza
  crust tasted like cardboard.
• She thought his necklaces were really very
  unique.

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• Carefully Consider Your Passive Verbs
• It has been noted with concern that the stock of
  books in the library has been declining
  alarmingly. Students are asked to remind
  themselves of the rules for the borrowing and
  return of books, and to bear in mind the needs of
  other students. Penalties for overdue books will
  in the future be strictly enforced.
• The number of books in the library has been going
  down. Please make sure you know the rules for
  borrowing, and dont forget that the library is
  for everyones convenience. So from now on, were
  going to enforce the rules strictly. You have
  been warned.

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• Avoid Pretentiousness
• The absence of intelligence is an indication of
  favorable development.
• Such preparations shall be made as will
  completely obscure all Federal buildings and
  non-Federal buildings occupied by the Federal
  government during an air raid for any period of
  time from visibility by reason of internal or
  external illumination.
• Tell them that in buildings where they have to
  keep the work going to put something across the
  windows.

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Practice

• In the month of May people of different
  professions from all circles in this city will
  hold meetings to elect representatives , and
  these representatives will go to Beijing, the
  capital, in October to attend a national congress
  of model workers from the whole country.
• In May people of different professions in this
  city will elect representatives, who will attend
  a national congress of model workers from the
  whole country.
• There are trees on all sides of the house, and
  the trees hide the house. People can hardly see
  the house from the outside.
• (1) Surrounded by trees, the house can hardly be
  seen from the outside. (2) The house, hidden
  behind trees, can hardly be seen from the
  outside.

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• 1. There are still some students who have not
  handed in their papers yet.
• 2. He said he would draft a plan which was
  appropriate to his clients needs.
• 3. It is your assignment to write an assessment
  of the present economic situations.
• 4. The recordings which I bought last week was
  scarce items that are essential to people who are
  making collections of folk music which comes from
  Spain.
• 5. Mr Smith usually likes to drink all kinds of
  wines that are produced in France.

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Developing a lively style

• Use specific, vivid words
• The exhausted runner went up the last hill in an
  unsteady way.
• The exhausted runner staggered up the last hill.
• Were concerned about the low female labor force
  participation figures in our department.
• Were concerned about the low number of women
  working in our department.

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Developing an emphatic style

• Word order
• Impossible is nothing.
• ???????????
• Parents who give their children both roots and
  wings are wise.
• Wise are the parents who give their children both
  roots and wings.

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• Coordination
• Subordination
• A showman goes to the jungle.
• He captures an ape.
• The ape is a giant.
• The ape is taken to New York City.
• He escapes.
• He dies fighting for a young woman.
• He loves her.
• She is beautiful.

A showman captures a giant ape in the jungle and
takes him to New York City, where he escapes but
dies fighting for the beautiful young woman he
loves.
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Emphasis

• Short sentence
• Balanced sentence
• The gentleman values harmony, not uniformity
  the small man values uniformity, not harmony.
• He likes smoking his wife hates it.
• Periodic sentences
• She often said to her parents and friends that
  her greatest wish was to be an artist.
• To be an artist was her greatest wish and she
  often talked about this with her parents and
  friends.

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• Negative-positive statements
• He no longer wants money he wants fame.
• Placing
• Spain is more interesting than France in many
  ways, some foreign tourists say.
• Some foreign tourists say that Spain is more
  interesting than France in many ways.
• Spain, some foreign tourists say, is in many ways
  more interesting than France.

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• Which is better?
• Only Qian Wen could have written such a nice
  essay, though there are fifty students in the
  class.
• Of the fifty students in the class, no one could
  have written such a nice essay but Qian Wen.

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• Revising sentences
• Use parallelism.
• Use a consistent point of view.
• Use specific words.
• Use active verbs.
• Use concise words.
• Vary your sentences.

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Peer Review

• Spelling
• Grammar (tense, subject-verb agreement etc. )
• Wordy
• Content
• Organization
• Punctuation

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Intensifiers

• Extremely important
• essential, imperative, vital, indispensable,
  crucial
• They absolutely wanted to
• they were determined to
• they had resolved to
• they were bent on
• they were insistent upon

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• The people have a strong aversion to graft,
  bribery, embezzlement, and other dirty practice.
• I think there will definitely be genuine
  stability and unity.
• I firmly believeI am convinced

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• Great historic contributions
• If there is serious chaos in Hong Kong
• Be firmly banned
• Strongly demand
• Be totally abolished
• The broad masses of the people
• A tiny handful of troublemakers

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Advice

• Most adverbs are unnecessary.
• You probably should delete all intensive adverbs.
  Very, really, truly, actually and the like
• Reserve adjectives and adverbs to make your
  meaning more precise. (a military disaster, a
  terrible disaster, an economic crisis, an acute
  crisis, )

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• Thank You!