Assisting Youth with Relational Hurt and Pain Through Interpersonal Forgiveness

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• Assisting Youth with Relational Hurt and Pain
  Through Interpersonal Forgiveness
• Dr. Preston VanLoon Ed.D.

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• If you cannot free people from their wrongs and
  see them as the needy people they are, then you
  enslave yourself to your own painful past. By
  fastening yourself to the past, you let your hate
  become your future.
• Lewis Smedes, Forgive and Forget

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• Interpersonal Forgiveness follows a deep,
  long-lasting injury from another person that may
  be
• Psychological
• Emotional
• Physical
• Moral

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• The injury or offense affects us
• Cognitively
• Affectively
• Behaviorally

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• Adolescents experience relational hurt and
  pain in their lives due to
• Parental Divorce
• Abuse (Physical, Sexual, Emotional)
• Bullying
• Betrayal of Trust
• Domestic Violence (i.e. boyfriend)
• Other

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• The Effects of Hurt and Pain in Adolescents
• Behavioral Difficulties
• Mental Illness (Depression, Anxiety, etc.)
• Poor Grades
• Decrease in Self Esteem
• Sexual Promiscuity

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• Effects of hurt and pain continued
• Problems making friends
• Parental Conflict
• Suicidal Thoughts
• Change in mood/attitude
• Anger/Anxiety

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• Adolescents often cope with their hurt and pain
  by
• Drug/Alcohol Abuse
• Unhealthy sexual practices
• Truancy
• Violence
• Sexually Acting Out
• Withdrawal

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• Teens struggle with interpersonal forgiveness
  for a variety of reasons including
• Uncertainty about how to effectively cope.
• Lack of understanding of interpersonal
  forgiveness.
• Thinking that interpersonal forgiveness is
  something that only religious people do.

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• Reasons continued
• Fear of being hurt again.
• It is a sign of weakness.
• Thinking that the offender does not
• deserve forgiveness.

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• What is Interpersonal Forgiveness?
• Common Myths and Misconceptions (Enright)
• Forgiveness means forgetting the offense never
  happened and going back the way things were
  before.
• Forgiveness is a sign of weakness and
  vulnerability.
• Forgiveness doesnt make things fair to others or
  ourselves.

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• Forgiveness is only needed for those we care for,
  can see, or those who want to be forgiven.
• Forgiveness happens quickly and easily.
• Forgiveness is our duty and responsibility as
  human beings.
• Forgiveness means putting up with or excusing
  inappropriate behavior.

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• Research-The Benefits of Forgiveness
• Decrease in depression
• Decrease in anxiety
• Decrease in displacement of anger
• Decrease in use of defense mechanisms
• Prevention of escalation of revenge
• Improved intrapersonal peace

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• Benefits of Forgiveness continued
• Improved interpersonal relationships
• Improved affect
• Improved self-esteem
• Reduction in stress symptoms
• Lower blood pressure
• Reduction in insomnia
• Less digestive problems

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Stages of Forgivenessfrom a Developmental
Perspective

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• Stage One
• Forgiveness Revengeful Forgiveness
• I can forgive someone who wrongs me only if I
  can punish that person to a similar degree as my
  own pain.

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• Stage Two
• Forgiveness Conditional or Restitutional
  Forgiveness
• If I get back what was taken away from me, then
  I can forgive. If I feel guilty about
  with-holding forgiveness, then I can forgive to
  relieve my guilt.

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• Stage Three
• Forgiveness Expectational Forgiveness
• I can forgive if others put pressure on me to
  forgive. I forgive because other people expect it
  of me.

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• Stage Four
• Forgiveness Lawful Expectational Forgiveness
• I forgive because my religion demands it.
  Notice that this stage is different from stage
  two in which the forgiver forgives to relieve
  self of guilt about with-holding forgiveness.

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• Stage Five
• Forgiveness Forgiveness as Social Harmony
• I forgive because it restores harmony or good
  relations in society. Forgiveness decreases
  friction and outright conflict in society.

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• Stage Six
• Forgiveness Forgiveness as Love
• I forgive because it promotes a true sense of
  love. Because I must truly care for each person,
  a hurtful act on anothers part does not alter
  that sense of love.
• This kind of relationship keeps open the
  possibility of reconciliation and closes the door
  on revenge.

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Forgiveness Developmental Changes

• Movement toward improved cognition, affect, and
  behavior.
• Learning about and practicing forgiveness helps
  develop the ability to forgive.
• Changes from feelings of hate and resentment to
  compassion and love.
• A desire to learn and practice forgiveness.

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• Reasons for Forgiveness
• Forgiveness allows us to relieve ourselves of the
  debilitating effects of chronic anger and
  resentment.
• Forgiveness is being fair to yourself and the
  wrong suffered, its pain and revenge are unfair.
• Forgiveness allows us to move beyond our past
  wounds and see life from a new perspective.

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• Forgiveness offers the possibility of healing and
  reconciliation, bringing new life, not death, to
  a relationship.
• Forgiveness gives us the freedom to deal with our
  wrong realistically and bring healing to our
  hurts.
• Forgiveness is for people who are human, who not
  only need to forgive, but also need to be
  forgiven.
• Forgiveness allows us to transform the energy
  invested in our pain and hurt to bring healing to
  our memory and hope to our future.

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• What Interpersonal Forgiveness is Not
• Pardon
• Reconciliation
• Condoning and/or Excusing
• Justification
• Self-centeredness
• Allowing emotions to diminish over
• time

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• Forgiveness is Not, continued
• Forgetting
• Just saying I forgive you
• Synonymous with mourning
• Absolution
• Self sacrifice
• A one time decision

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• Definitions of Forgiveness
• How would you define forgiveness?

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• A Definition of
• Interpersonal Forgiveness
• Forgiving is the overcoming of negative affect
  and judgment toward the offender, not by denying
  ourselves the right to such affect and judgment,
  but by endeavoring to view (treat) the offender
  with compassion, benevolence and love while
  recognizing that he or she has abandoned the
  right to them.
• (Enright et al., 1991)

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• Objections to Interpersonal Forgiveness
• (Philosophical and Psychological)
• 1. Interpersonal forgiveness is weakness it
  develops out of a sense of moral or religious
  duty.
• Response
• 2. It is a power play, putting the forgiver in a
  one up position.
• Response
• 3. It implies inferiority by telling the
  offender they are forgiven.
• Response

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• Objections continued
• 4. Interpersonal Forgiveness produces
  inferiority in ones self.
• Response
• 5. It is a reversal of societal justice.
• Response
• 6. Blocks personal justice.
• Response

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• 7. It is an alienation of our true nature.
• Response
• 8. The injustice is overlooked by the offended
  person.
• Response

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• Suggestions to Help Youth to Forgive
• Identify the hurt that was experienced.
• Discuss the hurt and the effect it has had on
  ones life
• Express the painful feelings associated with the
  hurt
• Discuss how one has tried to cope with the hurt
  and pain

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• Suggestions continued
• 5. Explore effective ways to deal with the
• offense this may include a justice
• approach (external) or a forgiveness
• approach (internal)
• 6. Make a commitment to pursue
• forgiveness
• 7. Do the work of forgiveness reframing,
  empathy, compassion, and acceptance.

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• Suggestions continued
• 8. Look for new meaning/purpose in life as a
  result of the offense
• 9. Realize that self has needed forgiveness in
  the past and that one is not alone
• 10. Identify positive feelings, thoughts, and
• behaviors that are emerging toward the
• offender

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• Forgiveness is a Process
• Forgiveness is a process not a single act.
• (Augsburger, 1988)
• Forgiveness is a psychological process that
• occurs throughout life. (Smith, 1988)
• Forgiveness came in bits and pieces.
  (Smedes,1984)

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The Forgiveness Process

• Takes time, often continuing throughout life.
• Takes work and is not easy.
• Is an active process, not passive
• Is internal with external manifestations
• Is an ongoing process
• Is intentional
• Requires a change in attitude