An Addiction Specialist Looks At Sexual Addiction

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An Addiction Specialist Looks At Sexual Addiction

• Ken Roy, MD
• River Oaks Hospital
• Tulane Department of Psychiatry
• Addiction Recovery Resources of New Orleans
• 504-780-2766
• www.arrno.org

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Sex

• Why should we talk about sex?
• Because we dont
• Sex is dirty, full of shame, secret
• If there is a secret you want to carry to your
  grave, itll get you drunk/loaded
• We dont want you to relapse
• The single most frequent cofactor in relapse has
  something to do with sex

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Normal Behavior

• Does anyone know anyone who doesnt have sex?
• Therefore having sex is normal behavior
• What would happen if no one had sex?
• Therefore having sex is necessary behavior
• Can you become addicted to behavior that is both
  normal and necessary?

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Addiction to Normal Behaviors

• If a behavior has a negative effect on one or
  more of the seven major areas of life - and we
  dont stop doing it
• Just like
• Compulsion
• Loss of control
• Continued use in the face of negative consequences

Family
Spouse
Job ()
Medical
Legal
Social
Spiritual
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Levels of Sexual Addiction

• Level One
• Addictive behavior that involves normal sexual
  activity
• Level Two
• Involves nuisance kinds of criminal sexual
  activity
• Level Three
• Horrific kinds of criminal sexual activity

Family
Spouse
Job ()
Medical
Legal
Social
Spiritual
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How Many of Us Are Involved?

• Level One
• 90 at some time in our using careers
• Level Two
• Unknown 12 - 25 as victims
• Level Three
• Unknown 60 of females 40 of males are
  victims

Family
Spouse
Job ()
Medical
Legal
Social
Spiritual
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Learned vs. Genetic Addictions

• Genetic addictions
• Alcoholism
• Drug addictions
• Learned addictions
• Sex, work, exercise, food, gambling, internet
• People addiction, or Co Dependency

Family
Spouse
Job ()
Medical
Legal
Social
Spiritual
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How Would You Learn?

• Family dysfunction - distorted Core Beliefs
• I am a bad, unworthy person
• Trauma -gt Abuse Shame
• No one would love me as I am
• Absence of Unconditional Love
• My needs would never be met if I had to depend on
  others
• Sense of abandonment and absence of nurturing
• Sex (Love) is my most important need
• Inappropriate Sexual Messages (Sexual Trauma)

Family
Spouse
Job ()
Medical
Legal
Social
Spiritual
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How Would You Act?
Act?

• Distorted core beliefs
• I am a bad, unworthy person
• Trauma -gt Abuse Shame
• No one would love me as I am
• Absence of Unconditional Love
• My needs would never be met if I had to depend on
  others
• Sense of abandonment and absence of nurturing
• Sex (Love) is my most important need
• Inappropriate Sexual Messages (Sexual Trauma)

Family
OK
Spouse
In charge
Job ()
No needs
Medical
Legal
Social
Spiritual
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How It starts
Act?

• Distorted core beliefs
• I am a bad, unworthy person
• Trauma -gt Abuse Shame
• No one would love me as I am
• Absence of Unconditional Love
• My needs would never be met if I had to depend on
  others
• Sense of abandonment and absence of nurturing
• Sex (Love) is my most important need
• Inappropriate Sexual Messages (Sexual Trauma)

Family
OK
Spouse
In charge
Job ()
No needs
Medical
Legal
Social
Spiritual
11
Developing a Cycle
Act?
Family
OK
Spouse
In charge
Job ()
No needs
Medical
Legal
Social
Spiritual
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Why About Me?

• My own story
• Multiple relationships
• Recovery
• Coincidences
• After ninth step
• Promises
• No longer regret the past, or wish to shut the
  door on it

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How it Goes
Act?
Family
OK
Spouse
In charge
Job ()
No needs
Medical
Legal
Social
Spiritual
14
Other Levels
Act?
Family
OK
Spouse
In charge
Job ()
No needs
Medical
Legal
Social
Spiritual
15
How it Ends
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If You Identify

• Specific 12-Step meetings
• SAA, SLAA
• Primary 12-Step meeting
• 1st fourth and fifth step
• About drinking and drugging
• 2nd fourth and fifth step
• About relationships
• One way or the other Deal With It!

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Sexually Addicted Relationship

• If the measure of the success of the relationship
  is the value of the sex in the relationship
• If the reward for good behavior is sex
• If the punishment for bad behavior is
  withholding sex
• If the focus of the relationship is on sex

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Sexual Co Dependency

• Focus and self worth dependent on the behavior of
  another in this case, sex
• Co Dependent will often
• Invade the person, belongings and schedule of the
  sex addict
• Behave flirtatiously, dress flirtatiously or even
  have sex with others to control the behavior of
  the addict
• Focus on another to the neglect of self

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Love is Not a Feeling

• True adult love is a decision
• To take an interest in and make a commitment to
  the spiritual and emotional well being of another
• The types of love
• Filial what we feel for relatives
• Eros I want to make a baby with you
• Agape true adult love
• Success in love (relationship) depends on
  expectations of love in a relationship

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What is Life All About?

• Not about winning
• Probably about some of the things that we dont
  learn well if we grow up in dysfunction
• Intimacy
• Unconditional love
• The ability to nurture and be nurtured
• A relationship with a power greater than ourselves

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If This Touched a bad Place

• Listen to your feelings
• Theyre important
• Access your support system
• Use your staff
• Get ready to begin healing
• The road to recovery is directly through pain