Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices, and Constraints Seventh Edition

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• Marriages and FamiliesChanges, Choices, and
  ConstraintsSeventh Edition
• Nijole V. Benokraitis
• Chapter Eight
• Choosing Others Dating and Mate Selection

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How Often Do We Date?

• A majority of Americans age 18 and older either
  are dating or would like to be. Dating has
  declined among people under age 18, but 24 of
  high school seniors say they date frequently.
  How we meet people and what we call dating has
  changed over the years.

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Why Do We Date?

• Sociologists consider dating a marriage market in
  which the participants look at the assets and
  liabilities in each partner and decide which is
  the best for what they have to offer.
• Dating fulfills a number of specific functions
  that vary according to a persons age, social
  class, and gender. Functions may be manifest or
  latent.

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Manifest Functions of Dating

• Maturation
• Fun and recreation
• Companionship
• Love and affection
• Mate selection

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Latent Functions of Dating

• Socialization
• Social status
• Fulfillment of ego needs
• Sexual experimentation and intimacy
• Big business

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The Dating Spectrum

• In traditional dating, males and females follow
  clear, culturally defined gender role scripts, at
  least among the middle class.
• Bat mitzvah and bar mitzvahrites of passage in
  the Jewish community.
• Going steady and getting pinned were popular
  after WWII. A woman was pinned when her
  boyfriend gave her his fraternity pin.
• Going with or going together means a couple
  is dating exclusively.

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Contemporary Dating

• Much casual and usually happens in groups.
  Teenagers these days hang out.
• Getting together is more intimate and
  structured than hanging out. The specifics are
  more spontaneous.
• Hooking up is a little more serious and usually
  involves a physical encounter. It is a vague
  term and can mean anything from kissing to having
  sex.

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Traditional and Contemporary Combinations

• Proms and homecoming partiesstill among the most
  popular dating events for young people.
• Dating in later lifedating after divorce or
  after being widowed can be both therapeutic and
  intimidating.
• Online dating has become more popular in recent
  years.

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How Do We Meet People

• Personal adspublished in mainstream magazines,
  on the Web, etc.
• Mail-order bridesThere are more than 200
  international services that provide an
  international bride. There is still a lot of
  controversy over this type of business.

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How Do We Meet People?

• Professional matchmakersmake a living by
  matching people up.
• Speed datingthe idea is to meet as many people
  as you can in a very short time.

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Cyberdating

• Millions of people turn to the Internet to find
  the right person these days. There are pros and
  cons to trying to find a dating partner in this
  way.

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Choosing Whom We Date Choices and Constraints

• In the U.S. we think we can marry whomever we
  want, and we can to an extent, but there are many
  forces at work in helping us make that decision.
• We are affected by many things like our
  religion, family, and socioeconomic status.

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Homogamy and Filter Theory

• According to filter theory, we sift eligible
  people according to specific criteria and thus
  narrow the pool of potential partners to a small
  number of candidates.
• Homogamy refers to dating or marrying someone
  with similar backgrounds to our own.

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Homogamy and Filter Theory

• These are some of the things we use to filter
  potential mates
• Propinquitygeographic closeness
• Ethnicity and raceto some these are still
  important factors in finding a partner
• Religioncan also affect dating and marriage
  relationships

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Homogamy and Filter Theory

• Social classwe tend to stay with groups within
  our own social class
• Physical appearanceno matter how we want to look
  at it, appearance does matter
• Agewe generally marry someone close to our own
  age
• Values and personalitywe look for partners who
  are much like ourselves

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27 Things to know about Your Partner

• 1. Kids or no kids?2. Smoking or no smoking?3.
  Drinking or no drinking? (Same for drugs)4.
  Religious beliefs Match? Blend? Clash?5. Who
  works? Who stays home (especially when the kids
  come along)?6. Who wants to live where? 7. Who
  controls the checkbook?8. What is his/her
  personal relationship with his/her family? Too
  distant? Too close?   Too weird? Appropriate to
  your standards?9. How are holidays spent? At
  home? With family? Alone? Vacationing?10.
  Windows opened or closed? Heat/AC on or off?11.
  What side of the bed must you (he/she) sleep
  on?12. Where to spend vacations? Leisure
  time?13. Sick Left alone or babied?14.
  Appropriate gift giving birthdays? Yuletide
  holidays? Special occasions?15. Who does what
  around the house?16. What is acceptable
  hygiene?17. What are his/her hobbies,
  pastimes?18. Preferences Music? Movie? Book
  favorites?19. Favorite foods?20. Pets or no
  pets? What kind?21. Decisions about the
  children School, church, discipline,
  allowance,    extra curricular activities,
  friends, and curfew? 22. Mealtimes Early or
  late?23. Furniture Vintage or Contemporary?24.
  Sleeping habits Four hours or eight?

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Three more compatibility factors

• How does your new love handle a crisis?
• Behave in public places?
• Treat your friends and family?
• You can tell a great deal about your new mate by
  the way he treats his mother and how she treats
  her father. Observing how a person regards that
  parent is key in establishing how they or she
  will treat you! 

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Heterogamy Expanding the Marriage Market

• As U.S. society becomes more diverse and
  multicultural, marrying across traditional
  boundaries is bound to happen.
• Some "new kinds" of relationships include
• Same-sex relationships
• Social class relationships
• Interfaith relationships
• Interracial and interethnic relationships

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Theories of Mate Selection

• Social exchange theoryposits that people will
  begin and remain in a relationship if the rewards
  are higher than the costs.
• Equity theoryan intimate relationship is
  satisfying and stable if both partners see it as
  equitable and mutually beneficial.

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A Global View

• Most traditional cultures do not have the open
  courtship abilities that we have in this country.
  In some very traditional countries, children are
  betrothed to someone when they are very young and
  a marriage is seen as a contract between two
  families.
• These traditional marriage arrangements are
  changing in some traditional cultures, especially
  the ones that have more educated young people.

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Dating Violence

• Just as there can be abuse in married
  relationships, there can be violence in dating
  relationships. The violence is usually born out
  of the struggle for power in the relationship,
  with mostly women losing.
• Not only violence, but rape can happen just as
  easily in a dating relationship.

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Consequences of Date Rape

• The victims in many cases blame themselves.
  Others often blame the victim as well.
• This makes it extremely difficult to tell to a
  judge and a jury what really happened.

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Why We Break Up

• According to one poll, nearly half of Americans
  adults have gotten the romantic heave-ho at least
  twice in their lifetime.
• Reasons for breaking up include
• Individual reasonscommunication problems,
  different interests, emotional and physical abuse
• Structural reasonsmoving away, economic
  hardships that trigger unemployment and fights
  about money