Getting Through to Difficult Kids and Parents: Uncommon Sense for Child Professionals Ron Taffel, Ph - PowerPoint PPT Presentation

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Getting Through to Difficult Kids and Parents: Uncommon Sense for Child Professionals Ron Taffel, Ph

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Greet our advice and the changes we ask of them with resistance and distrust ... Offer advice but not without making sure we are responding to a parent's need ... – PowerPoint PPT presentation

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Title: Getting Through to Difficult Kids and Parents: Uncommon Sense for Child Professionals Ron Taffel, Ph


1
Getting Through to Difficult Kids and Parents
Uncommon Sense for Child ProfessionalsRon
Taffel, Ph.D.
  • Dr.Weiner
  • Acting Director, Teaching, Learning and
    Counseling Consortium
  • Lecture for Rick Goldmans Class
  • SPED 504mm
  • October 8, 2008

2
Getting Through to Difficult Parents Ron
Taffel, Ph.D.
  • Greet our advice and the changes we ask of them
    with resistance and distrust
  • Father who challenges everything suggested
  • Mother who with every glance, exudes the belief
    that she and only she knows whats best for her
    child
  • Cant seem to get through to them
  • Simply difficult parents

3
What Do We Do?
  • Not simple, rarely is it hopeless
  • Discovered several essential factors that are key
    to getting through to even the most resistant
    parents
  • Core issue are we able to empathize more
    accurately with them?
  • Parents need to be better understood and the
    strategies that are most effective

4
Toward Greater Understanding
  • Lack of Support
  • Its All Their Fault
  • We Dont Like Kids

5
LACK OF SUPPORT
  • Society as a whole puts mothers and fathers on
    the defensive
  • Last 30 years general erosion of the usual
    supports that strengthen a parents authority
  • Community and religion
  • Postmodern America where the structural authority
    that used to exist no longer confers immediate
    respect on parents, nor does it give them support

6
ITS ALL THEIR FAULT
  • Throughout society, experience tells us that
    parents that they are the creators of terrible
    dysfunction
  • Fingers of blame usually point to Mom
  • Family therapists dont believe that kids create
    problems or that they have a significant impact
    on the family
  • Historically suggested that problems between
    parents are usually the main issue
  • Child as the symptom-bearer for the
    dysfunctional forces
  • Proud to get the kids out of the room to start
    working with parents on the real issue

7
WE DONT LIKE KIDS
  • Mothers and fathers often express resentment
    toward their own kids
  • Research shows that between 50-70 of adults
    dont like kids all that much
  • Selfish and rude
  • Emotionally and economically draining
  • Child-centered culture with kiddie values that
    urge kids to Take care of Number 1
  • Its no wonder parents come in unsympathetic to
    their own children or to our efforts

8
Ron Taffel, Ph.D.
  • Where does this leave you the eager
    professional who wants to help? How can teachers
    enlist greater cooperation from parents how can
    guidance and pastoral counselors be more
    accessible and effective with parents how can
    group leaders and community organizers be more
    effective and inspiring in their leadership? The
    answer requires reservoirs of empathy and a bag
    of tricks to help difficult parents. It
    requires us to instill in parents the sense that
    they are being understood sufficiently to create
    readiness for change.

9
Creating Readiness for Change
  • Find Out What Mom and Dad Wants
  • State Your Intentions
  • We Will Do It Together

10
Find Out What Mom and Dad Wants
  • People drop out of therapy professional didnt
    listen to what they wanted
  • You need to ask
  • What can I do to help you versus
  • Let me tell you what we need to do
  • Offer advice but not without making sure we are
    responding to a parents need
  • Diminish resistance and provide and ally

11
Mom and Dad Concrete Needs
  • As a professional, you need to acknowledge your
    willingness to collaborate in reaching these
    goals
  • I WANT YOU TO FIX MY CHILD
  • Seen as an indicator of a parents resistance
  • Exact opposite recognize a real problem
  • Dont dismiss it ask, What exactly do you
    mean?
  • Need to hear specific ways a parent wants you to
    fix a child some goals are more reasonable than
    others, but all must be heard and acknowledged

12
Mom and Dad- Concrete Needs
  • I WANT TO BE APPRECIATED BY MY KIDS
  • Lack of appreciation fuels a huge amount of
    chronic resentment and anger in child-centered
    parents
  • It is imperative that you recognize this
    gratitude deprivation from the parents
    perspective. Especially critical that you openly
    appreciate what an effort has been made on the
    childs behalf
  • Teachers understand gratitude deprivation
  • Appreciation and your acknowledgement of it is an
    important step toward creating collaboration

13
Mom and Dad Concrete Needs
  • HELP ME TO SEE THAT IM NOT CRAZY
  • usually means
  • HELP ME TO SEE THAT THE WAY IM HANDLING THINGS
    IS NOT TOTALLY WRONG AND THAT I AM NOT A COMPLETE
    FAILURE

14
Mom and Dad Concrete Needs
  • I WANT TO GET CLOSER TO MY CHILD
  • Pathological effects of overly close parent
    especially mother-child bonds
  • Teachers are wary of what can be viewed as an
    overly enmeshed parent-child relationship
  • Teachers are also prone to negatively label
    connection as enmeshment, bonds as overprotection
  • Kids and parents live in parallel and sometimes
    distant universes
  • Parents need validation, not the judgments of a
    society all too quick to label and negatively
    interpret such a need

15
STATE YOUR INTENTIONS
  • Second step in creating readiness for change
  • Therapeutic viewpoint people come up with
    their own answers
  • Im going to try to give you what you need
  • Im going to try to help you feel less crazy
  • Im going to try to help your child love and
    respect you more
  • Im going to try to help you feel more competent

16
WE WILL DO IT TOGETHER
  • This clears the often-adversarial atmosphere
  • When we say, We are going to collaborate
  • Parents say to themselves
  • Youre not ordering me around telling me what
    to do
  • Youre not blaming me
  • You dont think Im totally at fault
  • You think we can work on this together
  • Remember with no extended family, fewer
    institutional supports, a schism between home and
    school, they have been hearing just the opposite

17
CREATING CHANGE FIVE PRINCIPLES
  • Change Must Be Consistent with Who the Parents
    Are
  • All Change Begins as False-Self Change
  • Aim for Change That Will Cause Just Tolerable
    Anxiety for the Parent
  • Help Parents Understand That the Assigned Tasks
    Are Probably Going to Fail
  • Follow Up

18
CREATING CHANGE
  • Many of us child professionals ask people to
    take steps that are much too big. We push them
    to be different for who they are we forget the
    belief systems and values that predate us and
    extend us into the past.
  • Creating change means that we see mothers and
    fathers clearly enough so that we dont ask too
    much or too little of them. This empathy is
    necessary to transform a difficult parent into
    one whose mind is open enough that new behavior
    is possible.

19
CHANGES MUST BE CONSISTENT WITH WHO THE PARENTS
ARE
  • Principle of Consistency
  • Example
  • Al and Tina discovered their son had been smoking
    pot. They called up Ron in a frenzy and wanted
    to know if they should confront their son,
    pretend nothing happened and put it on the back
    burner for a couple of days should they create
    an immediate consequence?
  • Up front people
  • Suggested they bring it up but just dont explode
  • Validation of the type of people they are

20
ALL CHANGE BEGINS AS FALSE-SELF CHANGE
  • Moment of trying new strategies is one of mixed
    emotions
  • Hope intertwined with skepticism
  • False-Self experience
  • A parent who reflexively yells, one who always
    lectures, or another who comforts a sobbing
    child, will find it extremely strange to suddenly
    lower his voice, refrain from lecturing, or leave
    a distraught child alone
  • A sense of weirdness comes from going against the
    natural tendencies and entering unfamiliar
    territory
  • When the desired respond follows, the parent may
    experience firsthand why a strategy is helpful
    motivated to try it again
  • Help a parent be ready for the strangeness of
    change by explaining the false-self phenomenon

21
AIM FOR CHANGE THAT WILL CAUSE JUST TOLERABLE
ANXIETY FOR THE PARENT
  • We ask too much of parents
  • Too much translates into a variety of reasons
    anxiety about the unknown, resentment because the
    parent feels justifiably provoked by the child, a
    sense of discouragement from numerous failures,
    or child-rearing belief systems that span
    generations
  • Aiming for change that will cause just-tolerable
    anxiety is both challenging and respectful of who
    a parent is

22
HELP PARENTS UNDERSTAND THAT THE ASSIGNED TASKS
ARE PROBABLY GOING TO FAIL
  • Following Reasons
  • Harried lives we dont understand how
    overscheduled, overworked, and frazzled peoples
    lives really are
  • Family-of-origin obstacles A failed task often
    can express an unresolved issue dating back to
    the parents own family of origin
  • Personal demons parents individual problems
    serious life experience or condition that hasnt
    been addressed
  • The major ones are controlled substance abuse,
    violence or sexual abuse in a parents history,
    untreated affective disorders, moderate
    obsessive-compulsive syndromes, and panic attacks
  • Got to meet individually with the parent
    therapists role

23
FOLLOW UP
  • Ask how the week went
  • Ask if anything new has come up
  • Ask about the homework or task
  • Reassessing the just-tolerable level of
  • anxiety

24
CHANGE
  • Following all these suggestions about creating a
    readiness for change and challenges can encourage
    the most difficult parents to become sympathetic,
    even heroic figures. This not only leads to
    greater change, it also makes the work we do and
    the relationships we create feel far more
    collaborative than adversarial

25
Family Systems Model
  • Number of Family Systems Models
  • Bronfenbrenners Ecological Model (1979, 1986,
    1995)
  • Macrosystem, Exosystem, Mesosystem (adapted to
    family)
  • Turnbull and Turnbull (2001)
  • Characteristics
  • Interactions
  • Functions
  • Life Cycle
  • Empowerment
  • Building Reliable Alliances

26
(No Transcript)
27
Characteristics
  • Family size
  • Family form
  • Cultural background
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Geographic location
  • Characteristics of members exceptionality
  • Family health
  • Coping styles

28
Interactions
  • Boundaries
  • The marital system
  • The parental system
  • The sibling system
  • The extended family
  • Cohesion
  • Adaptability

29
Functions
  • Affection needs
  • Self-esteem needs
  • Spiritual needs
  • Economic needs
  • Daily care needs
  • Socialization needs
  • Recreation needs
  • Education needs
  • Time

30
Life Cycle
  • Childhood
  • Adolescence
  • Adulthood
  • Kaput

31
Empowerment
  • Empowerment
  • Collaboration with teacher and school

32
Building Reliable Alliances
  • Communication
  • Expectations
  • Trust

33
Teaching, Learning, and Counseling
ConsortiumTina Stampertina.stamper_at_csun.edu818
677-8522
  • References (Abridged)
  • Fine, M.J., Lee, S.W. (Eds.) (2001). Handbook
    of diversity in parent
  • education The changing faces of parenting
    and parent education. New
  • York Academic Press.
  • Turnbull, Ann P., Turnbull, H.R. (2001).
    Families, professionals, and
  • exceptionality Collaborating for
    empowerment. New Jersey Merrill
  • Prentice Hall.

34
Something to Think About
  • We can always tell when were being coped with,
    manipulated, or outsmarted. We can always detect
    hypocrisy. We can always feel the blame
    concealed beneath the veneers of niceness. And
    we typically resent it. It wont matter if the
    other person tries managing it by walking around,
    sitting on the edge of the chair to practice
    active listening, inquiring about family members
    in order to show interest, or using any other
    skill learned in order to be more effective.
    What well know and respond to is how that person
    is regarding us when doing those things.
  • Leadership and Self-Deception, the Arbinger
    Institute
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