Title: Getting Through to Difficult Kids and Parents: Uncommon Sense for Child Professionals Ron Taffel, Ph
1Getting Through to Difficult Kids and Parents
Uncommon Sense for Child ProfessionalsRon
Taffel, Ph.D.
- Dr.Weiner
- Acting Director, Teaching, Learning and
Counseling Consortium - Lecture for Rick Goldmans Class
- SPED 504mm
- October 8, 2008
2Getting Through to Difficult Parents Ron
Taffel, Ph.D.
- Greet our advice and the changes we ask of them
with resistance and distrust - Father who challenges everything suggested
- Mother who with every glance, exudes the belief
that she and only she knows whats best for her
child - Cant seem to get through to them
- Simply difficult parents
3What Do We Do?
- Not simple, rarely is it hopeless
- Discovered several essential factors that are key
to getting through to even the most resistant
parents - Core issue are we able to empathize more
accurately with them? - Parents need to be better understood and the
strategies that are most effective
4Toward Greater Understanding
- Lack of Support
- Its All Their Fault
- We Dont Like Kids
5LACK OF SUPPORT
- Society as a whole puts mothers and fathers on
the defensive - Last 30 years general erosion of the usual
supports that strengthen a parents authority - Community and religion
- Postmodern America where the structural authority
that used to exist no longer confers immediate
respect on parents, nor does it give them support
6ITS ALL THEIR FAULT
- Throughout society, experience tells us that
parents that they are the creators of terrible
dysfunction - Fingers of blame usually point to Mom
- Family therapists dont believe that kids create
problems or that they have a significant impact
on the family - Historically suggested that problems between
parents are usually the main issue - Child as the symptom-bearer for the
dysfunctional forces - Proud to get the kids out of the room to start
working with parents on the real issue
7WE DONT LIKE KIDS
- Mothers and fathers often express resentment
toward their own kids - Research shows that between 50-70 of adults
dont like kids all that much - Selfish and rude
- Emotionally and economically draining
- Child-centered culture with kiddie values that
urge kids to Take care of Number 1 - Its no wonder parents come in unsympathetic to
their own children or to our efforts
8Ron Taffel, Ph.D.
- Where does this leave you the eager
professional who wants to help? How can teachers
enlist greater cooperation from parents how can
guidance and pastoral counselors be more
accessible and effective with parents how can
group leaders and community organizers be more
effective and inspiring in their leadership? The
answer requires reservoirs of empathy and a bag
of tricks to help difficult parents. It
requires us to instill in parents the sense that
they are being understood sufficiently to create
readiness for change.
9Creating Readiness for Change
- Find Out What Mom and Dad Wants
- State Your Intentions
- We Will Do It Together
10Find Out What Mom and Dad Wants
- People drop out of therapy professional didnt
listen to what they wanted - You need to ask
- What can I do to help you versus
- Let me tell you what we need to do
- Offer advice but not without making sure we are
responding to a parents need - Diminish resistance and provide and ally
11Mom and Dad Concrete Needs
- As a professional, you need to acknowledge your
willingness to collaborate in reaching these
goals - I WANT YOU TO FIX MY CHILD
- Seen as an indicator of a parents resistance
- Exact opposite recognize a real problem
- Dont dismiss it ask, What exactly do you
mean? - Need to hear specific ways a parent wants you to
fix a child some goals are more reasonable than
others, but all must be heard and acknowledged
12Mom and Dad- Concrete Needs
- I WANT TO BE APPRECIATED BY MY KIDS
- Lack of appreciation fuels a huge amount of
chronic resentment and anger in child-centered
parents - It is imperative that you recognize this
gratitude deprivation from the parents
perspective. Especially critical that you openly
appreciate what an effort has been made on the
childs behalf - Teachers understand gratitude deprivation
- Appreciation and your acknowledgement of it is an
important step toward creating collaboration
13Mom and Dad Concrete Needs
- HELP ME TO SEE THAT IM NOT CRAZY
- usually means
- HELP ME TO SEE THAT THE WAY IM HANDLING THINGS
IS NOT TOTALLY WRONG AND THAT I AM NOT A COMPLETE
FAILURE
14Mom and Dad Concrete Needs
- I WANT TO GET CLOSER TO MY CHILD
- Pathological effects of overly close parent
especially mother-child bonds - Teachers are wary of what can be viewed as an
overly enmeshed parent-child relationship - Teachers are also prone to negatively label
connection as enmeshment, bonds as overprotection - Kids and parents live in parallel and sometimes
distant universes - Parents need validation, not the judgments of a
society all too quick to label and negatively
interpret such a need
15STATE YOUR INTENTIONS
- Second step in creating readiness for change
- Therapeutic viewpoint people come up with
their own answers - Im going to try to give you what you need
- Im going to try to help you feel less crazy
- Im going to try to help your child love and
respect you more - Im going to try to help you feel more competent
16WE WILL DO IT TOGETHER
- This clears the often-adversarial atmosphere
- When we say, We are going to collaborate
- Parents say to themselves
- Youre not ordering me around telling me what
to do - Youre not blaming me
- You dont think Im totally at fault
- You think we can work on this together
- Remember with no extended family, fewer
institutional supports, a schism between home and
school, they have been hearing just the opposite
17CREATING CHANGE FIVE PRINCIPLES
- Change Must Be Consistent with Who the Parents
Are - All Change Begins as False-Self Change
- Aim for Change That Will Cause Just Tolerable
Anxiety for the Parent - Help Parents Understand That the Assigned Tasks
Are Probably Going to Fail - Follow Up
18CREATING CHANGE
- Many of us child professionals ask people to
take steps that are much too big. We push them
to be different for who they are we forget the
belief systems and values that predate us and
extend us into the past. - Creating change means that we see mothers and
fathers clearly enough so that we dont ask too
much or too little of them. This empathy is
necessary to transform a difficult parent into
one whose mind is open enough that new behavior
is possible.
19CHANGES MUST BE CONSISTENT WITH WHO THE PARENTS
ARE
- Principle of Consistency
- Example
- Al and Tina discovered their son had been smoking
pot. They called up Ron in a frenzy and wanted
to know if they should confront their son,
pretend nothing happened and put it on the back
burner for a couple of days should they create
an immediate consequence? - Up front people
- Suggested they bring it up but just dont explode
- Validation of the type of people they are
20ALL CHANGE BEGINS AS FALSE-SELF CHANGE
- Moment of trying new strategies is one of mixed
emotions - Hope intertwined with skepticism
- False-Self experience
- A parent who reflexively yells, one who always
lectures, or another who comforts a sobbing
child, will find it extremely strange to suddenly
lower his voice, refrain from lecturing, or leave
a distraught child alone - A sense of weirdness comes from going against the
natural tendencies and entering unfamiliar
territory - When the desired respond follows, the parent may
experience firsthand why a strategy is helpful
motivated to try it again - Help a parent be ready for the strangeness of
change by explaining the false-self phenomenon
21AIM FOR CHANGE THAT WILL CAUSE JUST TOLERABLE
ANXIETY FOR THE PARENT
- We ask too much of parents
- Too much translates into a variety of reasons
anxiety about the unknown, resentment because the
parent feels justifiably provoked by the child, a
sense of discouragement from numerous failures,
or child-rearing belief systems that span
generations - Aiming for change that will cause just-tolerable
anxiety is both challenging and respectful of who
a parent is
22HELP PARENTS UNDERSTAND THAT THE ASSIGNED TASKS
ARE PROBABLY GOING TO FAIL
- Following Reasons
- Harried lives we dont understand how
overscheduled, overworked, and frazzled peoples
lives really are - Family-of-origin obstacles A failed task often
can express an unresolved issue dating back to
the parents own family of origin - Personal demons parents individual problems
serious life experience or condition that hasnt
been addressed - The major ones are controlled substance abuse,
violence or sexual abuse in a parents history,
untreated affective disorders, moderate
obsessive-compulsive syndromes, and panic attacks - Got to meet individually with the parent
therapists role
23FOLLOW UP
- Ask how the week went
- Ask if anything new has come up
- Ask about the homework or task
- Reassessing the just-tolerable level of
- anxiety
24CHANGE
- Following all these suggestions about creating a
readiness for change and challenges can encourage
the most difficult parents to become sympathetic,
even heroic figures. This not only leads to
greater change, it also makes the work we do and
the relationships we create feel far more
collaborative than adversarial
25Family Systems Model
- Number of Family Systems Models
- Bronfenbrenners Ecological Model (1979, 1986,
1995) - Macrosystem, Exosystem, Mesosystem (adapted to
family) - Turnbull and Turnbull (2001)
- Characteristics
- Interactions
- Functions
- Life Cycle
- Empowerment
- Building Reliable Alliances
26(No Transcript)
27Characteristics
- Family size
- Family form
- Cultural background
- Socioeconomic status
- Geographic location
- Characteristics of members exceptionality
- Family health
- Coping styles
28Interactions
- Boundaries
- The marital system
- The parental system
- The sibling system
- The extended family
- Cohesion
- Adaptability
29Functions
- Affection needs
- Self-esteem needs
- Spiritual needs
- Economic needs
- Daily care needs
- Socialization needs
- Recreation needs
- Education needs
- Time
30Life Cycle
- Childhood
- Adolescence
- Adulthood
- Kaput
31Empowerment
- Empowerment
- Collaboration with teacher and school
32Building Reliable Alliances
- Communication
- Expectations
- Trust
33 Teaching, Learning, and Counseling
ConsortiumTina Stampertina.stamper_at_csun.edu818
677-8522
- References (Abridged)
- Fine, M.J., Lee, S.W. (Eds.) (2001). Handbook
of diversity in parent - education The changing faces of parenting
and parent education. New - York Academic Press.
- Turnbull, Ann P., Turnbull, H.R. (2001).
Families, professionals, and - exceptionality Collaborating for
empowerment. New Jersey Merrill - Prentice Hall.
34Something to Think About
- We can always tell when were being coped with,
manipulated, or outsmarted. We can always detect
hypocrisy. We can always feel the blame
concealed beneath the veneers of niceness. And
we typically resent it. It wont matter if the
other person tries managing it by walking around,
sitting on the edge of the chair to practice
active listening, inquiring about family members
in order to show interest, or using any other
skill learned in order to be more effective.
What well know and respond to is how that person
is regarding us when doing those things. - Leadership and Self-Deception, the Arbinger
Institute