SOME THOUGHTS ON PASTORAL COUNSELING Part 2

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SOME THOUGHTS ON PASTORAL COUNSELING (Part 2)

• Chapel Counsel
• from
• Chaplain Councell
• Associate Director
• Adventist Chaplaincy Ministries

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MARITAL TRIAD
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MARRIAGE
ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS
TWO BECOME ONE
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THE PASTOR COUNSELOR

• Tread carefully where angels never venture
• Uphold spiritual principles i.e., love,
  forgiveness
• Remember, for every action there is an equal
  reaction who owns the problem? Solution?
• Know your own predispositions
• Avoid becoming emotionally involved
• Do not take sides, rescue or referee feuds
• Abuse is never tolerated obtain protection
• Admit your limitations and know when, to whom and
  where to make a referral

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SEE WHAT IS NOT SEEN
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FOUR Rs

• Respect love responsible caring
• Roles female and male, husband and wife
• Responsibilities trust (family is a small
  business, government and organization)
• Religion beliefs, values, goals and traditions

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RELATIONAL SEVEN

• POISON
• Spiritual
• Finances
• Leisure time
• Children (parenting)
• Stress and health
• Intimacy (sex)
• Outlaws

• ANTIDOTE
• Shared faith
• Budget and savings
• Enjoyment together
• Unity
• Celebrations
• Song of Solomon
• Boundaries

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DANGER!

• WRONG
• 1. Abuse
• Physical
• Emotional
• Sexual
• 2. Betrayal of trust
• 3. Infidelity (sexual affairs)
• Pornography
• Indebtedness

• CORRECTION
• 1. Immediate separation and protection arrest
  and/or professional therapy required
• 2. Long-term proof of trustworthiness
• Testing for disease and forgiveness
• Philippians 48 Romans 122 Job 311 Proverbs
  515-23 Malachi 214,15
• 5. Change in lifestyle prioritize needs and
  reduce wants

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TECHNIQUES

• Objective improve communication and level of
  caring for one another
• Check interest of couple to seek help
• Use personality inventories
• Have couple construct genograms
• Interview separately to hear perceptions
• Counsel together direct couple to talk to one
  another observe and intervene as needed
• Set up role-playing situations reverse roles
• Assign homework with reporting next session

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COMMUNICATION

• Communicating is a complex art and skill
• Message sent with expectations of response
• Message received and interpreted by many factors
• Influenced response may differ from expectations
  of sender, creating need for clarification or
  frustration
• Responder confused about reaction of the sender
• Actions, behavior, body language and even silence
  speak louder than words
• Speak distinctly, using good diction develop a
  large vocabulary. Learn a foreign language
• The tone of voice is as important as what is said
• Learn to be an attentive listener
• Be open, honest and genuine in conversation

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EXPECTATIONS

• Difference between dreams and fantasy
• Expectations and reality
• Incongruence causes resentment and conflict
• Congruency produces contentment and joy
• Changing disappointment into fulfillment
• Recall the good times, what made them good?
• What changed to create negative feelings?
• What attitudes and/or behaviors must change to
  restore a positive relationship?
• Are those changes realistic, doable and
  acceptable to all parties? How much time will it
  take?
• Are expectations being used to control or
  manipulate?

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FIGHTING FAIR

• Every form of conflict and competition has rules,
  except for resolving marital fights
• The sexes are at war and use one another
  selfishly for their own purposes in power games
• Christian opposites will have differences and
  resort to conflict, (not the end of a marriage),
  so
• Learn to disagree without being disagreeable,
  mean or nasty resolve conflicts by
• Mutually agreeing to work out a solution
• Sticking to the substantive issue
• Avoiding red flag words and name-calling
• Never hitting below the belt
• Husbands who love vicariously are respected by
  their wives (Ephesians 522-33), which arouses a
  desire to please her man (1 Corinthians 734)
  everybody wins

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INTIMACY

• God invented sex! He created humans as sexual
  beings entrusted to be fruitful
• Marriage bed is undefiled Hebrews 134
• Love is expressed through all five senses all day
  long
• The most sacred way of expressing love is through
  touching, physical contact
• Sexual expression follows a fairly predictable
  pattern of twelve steps.
• Within marriage, whatever is mutually pleasing
  sexually and does not harm either husband or wife
  physically or emotionally is acceptable.
• Christian couples should take care to insure the
  number of their children does not exceed their
  capabilities to make them an asset to society
  rather than a burden. See 2T 280. Adventists
  are not opposed to birth control

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PARENTING

• Parenting is leadership in holistic growth and
  spiritual development (Ephesians 64)
• Modeling desired characteristics
• Disciplining based on love rather than fear
• Recognizing individual differences in children
• Teaching according to each childs interests and
  abilities
• Allowing choices commensurate with experience
• Three major perils facing Christian parents
• Physical dangers protecting for the present
  (young)
• Negative influences providing for the future
  (middle years)
• Rejection of values preparing for eternity
  (older teens)
• Teach children to love God, not Church rules
• Teach and live Gods commandments, not yours
• Teach decision-making skills based on Biblical
  principles
• Keep the communication lines open. In our work
  for youth, we must meet them where they are, if
  we would help them. GW 209
• Maintain a sense of humor and never stop loving
• Remember, David, Manoah, Isaac, Adam and God all
  had Prodigals
• Parenting never ends it just gets more expensive!

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STRONG FAMILY QUALITIESJohn DeFrain and Nick
Stinnett

• Appreciation and affection
• Commitment
• Positive communication
• Time together
• Spiritual well-being
• Ability to cope with stress and crisis
• Healthy sense of humor

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HEALTHY FAMILY TRAITSDelores Curran

• Communicates and listens
• Affirms and supports
• Respects others
• Develops trust
• Sense of play and humor
• Shares responsibility
• Teaches right and wrong

• Family traditions
• Balance of interaction
• Shared religious
• core
• 11. Respects privacy
• 12. Values service
• Fosters table time
• Shares leisure time
• 15. Admits and seeks
• help with problems

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SUCCESSFUL MILITARY FAMILIES

• Develop skills to cope with the challenges of
  moving, separations and uncertainty
• Make ways to stay in close touch
• Engage in service to others volunteering, but
  balanced to not interfere with family time
• Display a positive self-image / confidence
• Exercise good communication skills
• Establish networks of friends integrate into
  their communities
• Involved in chapel and church value spirituality

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SHOW THE WORLD

• The family tie is the closest, the most tender
  and sacred, of any on earth. 4T 355
  
• The well-being of society, the success of the
  church, the prosperity of the nation, depend upon
  home influences. MH 349
• One well-ordered, well-disciplined family is a
  more powerful influence for good than all the
  sermons that have been preached. RH 1899
  

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RESOURCES

• Conference Family Ministries Departments
• Writings of E. G. White The Adventist Home
• Focus on the Family (Dr. James Dobson)
• Character Research Project (Dr. Ernest Ligon)
• Marriage Encounters (David and Vera Mace)
• Classes, seminars and workshops
• Books, journals and publications
• CDs, DVDs and videos (Johnny Lingo)
• Internet search engines
• Discussion groups

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COMMENTS
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