Women, Relationships and Recovery presented by Rokelle Lerner

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Women, Relationships and Recovery presented
byRokelle Lerner
Important Legal DisclaimerAny reproduction or
modification of all or part of this presentation,
regardless of purpose, is strictly prohibited
unless written authorization has been obtained
beforehand by U.S. Journal Training, Inc. and
Health Communications, Inc.
Adult Children, Recovery Trauma April 1,
2006 Las Vegas, Nevada
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Growth Fostering Relationships

• Each person has a greater sense of zest,
  vitality, energy
• Each person feels more able to act and does act
• Each person has a more accurate picture of
  her/himself and others
• Each person feels a greater sense of worth
• Each person has greater motivation for fulfilling
  their purpose in the world

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Symptoms of Disempowerment (non-mutual or
abusive relationships)

• Diminished zest or vitality
• Confusion - Lack of clarity
• Diminished self worth
• Diminished creativity
• Turning away from relationships

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Sternberg Love Triangle
Commitment
Intimacy
Passion
Robert Sternberg PhD
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Four Laws of ChangeNative American Elders as
Imparted to White Bison

• Change comes from within
• In order for change to occur, it must be preceded
  by a vision
• A great learning must occur
• You must create a healing forest

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What Does Her Heart Long For?

• What are some signs that shes getting what she
  longs for?
• How will she sabotage herself?
• What support does she need?

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Expectations and Questions

• Now that Im sober, Ill go to AA and meet
  someone else whos sober and well have the
  perfect life together
• My partner and I have never had sex sober, its
  going to be absolutely wonderful! OR
• Im not going to be able to be sexual as a
  recovering woman
• Now that Im not using, how do I handle my
  flashbacks that get triggered during intimacy?

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For Relationships to Thrive

• The level of emotional
• intimacy must match or
• surpass the level of sexual
• involvement

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Biology of Love

• Pheremones
• Histocompatability
• Phenylethylamine

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Scent

• Scent is the second highest priority for women
  after pleasant disposition
• If a couples odor prints dont match, they wont
  make sense together
• The source of each persons one of a kind odor is
  her/h unique immune system
• We like the scent of those whose immune system is
  unlike our own

Rachel Hertz, PhD
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• Love is that flame that once
• kindled, burns everything,
• and only the journey and the
• Great Spirit remain
• Rumi

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Relational Reenactment

• Dependency
• Distortion
• Provocation
• Selection

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Triggers for Alcoholics/Addicts in Relationship

• Emotional deprivation
• Abandonment
• Fear of Harm
• Abuse
• Humiliation
• Loss and Grief

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Boundaries 2 Purposes

• Protection - External Boundaries
• Containment - Internal Boundaries
• What I Value I Will Protect
• What You Value, I Will Respect

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Invisible Loyalties
Debts
Credits
Mom angry about her own fathers lack of
attention to her
History of courageous, strong women

• Unable to release resentment toward a partner,
  son, or a male in your life with little logical
  reason
• Tend to become resentful when partner expresses
  need
• Level of anger and/or resentment doesnt merit
  the situation

Ivan Bosnormeny-Nage
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Attachment

• The quality of connection between children and
  their primary caregivers. How we learn to
  connect with others and establish trust and love

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Two Qualities Necessary for Healthy Attachment

• CLEAR MIRRORING

• OBJECT CONSTANCY

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PILLARS OF RELATIONSHIP

• LOVE AND TRUST

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Destructive Entitlement

• Withdraw
• Manipulate
• Blame
• Threaten
• Abuse

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SHAME
NARCISSISTIC VULNERABILITY
NARCISSISTIC EXPECTATIONS
HYPERSENSITIVE
FRUSTRATION
PROJECTIVE IDENTIFICATION
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6 Steps to Relational Healing

• Internal/External Boundaries
• Triggers for vulnerability
• Language for emotion
• Grow Yourself Up! Set a limit, Make a request,
  Take an action
• Practice in disclosing vulnerability
• Self Soothing

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Differentiation

• The Ability To Stay in Relationship Without Being
  Consumed

Attachment
Differentiation
Self Soothe
Self Validate
Tolerate Conflict
Separation
D. Schnarch Ph.D
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Recipe for Healthy Relationships

• SELF VALIDATION
• SELF DISCLOSURE
• TOLERATE CONFLICT

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Something to Keep in Mind

• Our ability to differentiate must keep pace with
  our partners increasing importance to us
• Its not safe to love someone more than were
  able to validate, self disclose, tolerate conflict

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Top 4 Areas of Conflict

• Money
• Sex
• Kids
• Relatives

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The More We Can Mentor the Skills of Self
Soothing, Self Disclosure and Tolerating Conflict

• The less recovering women will have to control
  others in order to keep their guts quiet
• They wont have to annihilate the people they love

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Bibliography

• The Quest for the Mythical Mate, by Bader/
  Pearson, Norton
• Building Relationships that Last A Workbook by
  Rokelle Lerner
• Living in the Comfort Zone The Gift of
  Boundaries in Relationship,
• by Rokelle Lerner, HCI
• Passionate Marriage by D Schnarch
• A General Theory of Love by Thomas Lewis, Fari
  Amini, Richard Lannon
• Handbook of Attachment Theory, Research, and
  Clinical Applications by J. Cassidy, P. R.
  Shaver
• Why We Love the Nature and Chemistry of Romantic
  Love, by Helen Fisher
• Not Just Friends Rebuilding Trust and
  Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity, by S
  Glass, J Coppock Staeheli
• The Heart of Commitment Cultivating Lifelong
  Devotion in Marriage, Scott Stanley
• How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship, by Pat
  Love and Sunny Shulkin
• The Art of Happiness A handbook for Living, by
  the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler

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Contact Information

• Rokelle Lerner is co-creator and facilitator for
  InnerPath Womens and Relationship Retreats at
  Cottonwood de Tucson in Tucson, Arizona.
• The Womens Retreats are geared for women in
  transition, including women in recovery who are
  having difficulty with their personal and
  professional relationships. The Relationship
  Retreat is geared to couples and singles. A team
  of highly competent clinicians, yoga instructors,
  equine therapists, psycho dramatists
  co-facilitate these retreat experiences.
• For more information or to sponsor a retreat in
  your location, please contact Jana at Cottonwood
  de Tucson at 800-877-4520 or www.innerpath.com
• For consultation or information on books and
  tapes please contact Rokelle Lerner 420 Summit
  Avenue 28St. Paul, MN 55102
• 651-227-4031 or roklern_at_aol.com