Love

1
Chapter Seven

• Love Intimacy

2
Agenda

• Review Theories of Love
• Discuss Connection Between Love Sex in Intimate
  Relationships

3
Class ExerciseStereotypes and Intimacy

• We will view a video clip from the movie What
  Women Want
• What are the stereotypes associated with
  men/masculinity and women/femininity.
• How do these stereotypes influence intimacy?

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Cultural Definitions of Love
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The Forms and Origin of Love

• Romantic love passionate love that includes
  sexual desire, physical attraction, and elation
• We tend to idealize our romantic partner
• Companionate love (conjugal love) deep
  affection, attachment, intimacy, trust, loyalty

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Conceptualizations of Love

• Colors of Love (Lee)
• Love Triangles (Sternberg)
• Can We Measure Love?

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Colors of Love

• (Lee, 1974, 1998)

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Colors of Love

• Based on research
• Six basic ways (colors) to love
• Love styles are independent
• Lovers with compatible love styles will be
  happier with each other than incompatible styles

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Six Contemporary Love Styles(based on the work
of Lee, 1973)

• Eros (sounds like "air-ohs") "characterized by
  intense emotional attachment and powerful sexual
  feelings or desires" (Lamanna Riedmann, 1991,
  p. 92). Sustained relationships are typified by
  "continued active interest in sexual and
  emotional fulfillment, plus the development of
  intellectual rapport" Lamanna Riedmann, 1991,
  p. 92 emphasis added).
• Storge (sounds like "store-gay") "an
  affectionate, companionate style of loving. This
  love focuses on deepening mutual commitment,
  respect, and friendship over time" (Lamanna
  Riedmann, 1991, p. 92).
• Continued

10
Love Styles

• Pragma "emphasizes the practical element in
  human relationships, particularly in marriages.
  Pragmatics love involves rational assessment of a
  potential partner's assets and liabilities"
  (Lamanna Riedmann, 1991, p. 92).
• Agape altruistic love. It "emphasizes
  unselfish concern for the beloved's needs even
  when that means some personal sacrifice. . . .
  it also emphasizes nurturing others with little
  conscious desire for return other than the
  intrinsic satisfaction of having loved and cared
  for someone else" (Lamanna Riedmann, 1991, p.
  92-93).
• Continued

11
Love Styles

• Ludus (sounds like "lewd-us") emphasizes the
  recreational aspect of sexuality and sensual
  pleasures. It may be part of a more committed
  relationship based on other loves styles, too.
• Mania based on strong sexual attraction and
  emotional intensity, but a manic partner is
  extremely jealous, moody, and her/his need for
  attention is insatiable.

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Colors of Love

• Manic and ludic poorer psychological health
• Storge and eros higher psychological health
• Gender Differences
• Men more socially acceptable to have eros or
  ludus styles less to have agape more likely to
  have ludic style
• Women more socially acceptable to have agape
  less to have ludus more likely to have pragmatic
  style

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Love Triangles

• (Sternberg, 1998, 1999)

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Love Triangles

• Love is three elements that can be combined to
  produce 7 different types of love
• Three basic elements
• Passion sexual desire and physical attraction
  part of romantic love
• Intimacy connection and feelings of closeness
  an emotional investment
• Commitment to love in the short term to
  maintain that love in the long term

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Love Triangles (Sternberg, 1998, 1999)

• Love changes as we mature
• Different forms of love may be experienced within
  the same couple throughout time

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Can We Measure Love?
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Can We Measure Love?

• Scales have been developed to measure love
• Measure something strongly associated with love
• Attachment (Rubin, 1970, 1973)
• Measure aspects of relationships
• Relationship Rating Scale
• Passionate Love Scale
• Most scales measure romantic, not companionate,
  love

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Theories of Love

• Behavioral Reinforcement Theories
• Cognitive Theories
• Physiological Arousal Theories
• Evolutionary Theories

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Class Exercise

• Is love essential for emotional survival?
• What are the characteristics of a truly loving
  relationship?
• How do you recognize love?
• Is it possible to love more than one person in a
  lifetime? More than one person at a time?

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Behavioral Reinforcement Theories

• We love because another person reinforces
  positive feelings in ourselves
• Positive/rewarding feeling in the presence of
  another makes us like them, even if the reward is
  unrelated to that person
• Love is a result of many mutually reinforcing
  activities with a person

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Cognitive Theories

• A behavior occurs, and then we interpret it as
  love
• If we think someone likes us, we are more prone
  to find them attractive

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Physiological Arousal Theories

• Physiological arousal is labeled with an emotion,
  such as love
• We are more likely to experience love when we are
  physiologically aroused for any reason
• Shaky bridge study (Dutton Aron, 1974)
• Male participants on a scary bridge were more
  likely than males on a safe bridge to call a
  female they met on the bridge
• Arousal is not crucial for an emotional state

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Evolutionary Theories

• Humans have 3 basic instincts
• Need for protection
• Parent protects the child
• Sexual drive
• We love in order to produce offspring
• Heterosexual men want healthy women to carry
  offspring
• Heterosexual women want men with resources to
  care for her and the offspring

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Love Across the Lifespan

• Love becomes more complex as we age

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Childhood

• Attachment to the caregiver can affect attachment
  throughout life
• The love of mother and father are important
• May be harder to be intimate with another as an
  adult if it was not experienced as a child
• Three attachment types
• Secure accepts caregiver leaving
• Anxious/ambivalent panic if left alone
• Avoidant caregiver forces parting early

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Childhood

• Parental divorce is related to lower levels of
  trust a young adult (particularly female)
  experiences in intimate relationships

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Adolescence

• Time to learn how to love, manage emotions
• Creates a foundation for adult relationships
• Role repertoire varied ways to relate with
  others
• Intimacy repertoire collection of behaviors
  used to create intimate relationships in life
• Usually begin with an unattainable crush
  romantic love more likely if parents
  relationship is stable, at ease with own body

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Adult Love and Intimacy

• Factors that increase attraction
• Proximity people you know or see often
• Similarity background, values, attitudes
• Physical Attraction matching hypothesis
• Personality openness, sociability, humor
• Economic Resources especially in men
• Mutual Attraction and Love
• Ideal qualities are consistent across gender,
  culture, and sexual orientation

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Attraction in Different Cultures

• Study comparing 37 cultures (Buss, 1989)
• Men valued good looks in their partner
• Women valued good financial prospect in their
  partner
• Men preferred younger partners
• Women preferred older partners

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Love, Sex, and Intimacy
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Intimate Relationships

• Self-disclosure is important
• Those who value intimacy tend to be more
  trusting, concerned for others, disclose more,
  have more positive thoughts about others, are
  perceived as more likable, smile, laugh, make
  more eye contact, and enjoy marriage more

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Male and Female Styles of Intimacy

• Culturally transmitted gender roles may be the
  largest factor in affecting style of intimacy
• Men are inhibited from expressing intimacy, or
  maybe they just do it differently than women,
  such as through behavior
• Gay men are more likely to believe in the
  importance of sharing intimacy with a romantic
  partner than heterosexual men

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Intimacy in Different Cultures

• Culture seems to be more influential than gender
  in love and intimacy style
• Individualistic vs. Collectivistic cultures
• Strength of stereotypical gender roles affects
  level of intimacy the stronger the stereotype,
  the less attached couples are
• Western countries rate love as highly important,
  less developed Asian countries rated love the
  lowest

34
Long-Term Love and Commitment

• Effort and commitment are required to maintain a
  relationship
• Women feel lonely in a marriage that has less
  liking, marital satisfaction, self-disclosure,
  and love
• Men feel lonely in a marriage that has less
  intimacy, liking, and communication

35
Love and Sex

• Initial attraction increases intimacy more eye
  contact, more touches
• Body language reveals attraction, and the female
  typically starts
• Initially it is contact and conversation with
  bodies turned toward each other, followed by
  tentative touches that increase in duration and
  intimacy, then full body synchronization
• Higher sexual desire, less unfaithful thoughts

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Developing Intimacy Skills

• Self-love being at ease with ourselves, both
  the positive and negative qualities
• Receptivity shows others we are open to
  communication, approachable
• Listening provide full attention
• Affection warmth and security with others
• Trust a requirement that develops slowly
• Respect acknowledge and understand anothers
  needs dont have to share them

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The Dark Side of Love

• Jealousy
• Compulsiveness
• Possessiveness

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Class Exercise

• A college couple who live together have been
  having increased arguments.
• One partner wants the other to grow up and act
  mature.
• In return, the other suggests that they need to
  have more fun in their relationship.
• What advice would you give them?
• What are the short- and long-term prospects for
  this couple?

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Jealousy

• Interpretation and emotional reaction that a
  relationship is threatened
• Most jealous if the person we believe is
  threatening the relationship has qualities we
  want ourselves
• More common with low self-esteem

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Jealousy

• Men more jealous of a females sexual infidelity
• Women more jealous of a males emotional
  infidelity
• Both genders more threatened by sexual infidelity
  in short-term relationships
• Both genders more threatened by emotional
  infidelity in long-term relationships

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Jealousy

• Male heterosexuals more jealous of male-female
  sexual infidelity
• Heterosexual women more jealous of male-male
  sexual infidelity
• Much unknown about homosexual infidelity
• Jealousy is in all cultures, although the reasons
  may vary
• Jealousy shows a lack of trust self-esteem

42
Compulsiveness

• Love releases phenylethylamine (also in
  chocolate), which produces feelings of euphoria
  and love addiction
• Society and media reinforces the need to be in
  love and may be carried over from adolescence
  without maturing

43
Possessiveness

• Trying to manipulate the partner in attempts to
  feel worthy
• Is a sign of low self-esteem and can lead to
  stalking
• May require help from a mental health professional