Dealing With Difficult People Presented by: Len Dykstra, M.S.W., R.S.W. Lidkea, Stob, Venema

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Dealing With Difficult PeoplePresented
byLen Dykstra, M.S.W., R.S.W.Lidkea, Stob,
Venema AssociatesFamily Counseling
Services905-684-5050
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Dealing with Difficult People

• We all encounter difficult people people who are
  just plain tough to get along with. Perhaps
  these people you work with, perhaps they are
  family members, or perhaps they are people who
  cross your path for a little while. In this
  workshop, you will learn to recognize different
  difficult personality types, various strategies
  that will help you manage and the importance of
  being assertive.

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Definition of Difficult

• Hard to do, achieve, or comprehend. Not easy,
  hard to manage hard to satisfy.
• -American Heritage Dictionary
• troublesome, perplexing
• -The concise Oxford Dictionary
• hard to deal withhard to please
• -Gage Canadian Dictionary

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Important questions to ask ourselves in our
discussions about difficult people

• What are some of the characteristics of the
  person(s) I view as difficult?
• Do other people perceive this person(s) as
  difficult as well as me?
• What is my own definition of a difficult
  person?
• Is the person(s) I perceive as difficult always
  difficult?
• Are there times or occasions where the person(s)
  is not difficult?
• Has this person(s) always been difficult?
• When this person(s) is being difficult, are there
  some things that get triggered in me?
• If yes, what is being triggered?

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• What might be some of the payoffs for this
  person(s) to be difficult?
• Where and why might this person(s) have learned
  the behavior that I view as difficult?
• What is the likelihood of this person(s) being
  difficult in the next six months?
• What is the likelihood of the person(s) being
  less difficult in the next six months?
• Is there anything about me that is difficult at
  this time, or has been difficult in the past in
  my interactions with this person?
• Does this person or person(s) remind me of
  someone else? Or remind me of another time or
  period in my life?

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A ModelIn Bounds/ Out of Bounds

• In Bounds
• When people live healthy, well-balanced lives,
  they want to
• Be appreciated
• Be mature
• Be responsible
• Be considerate
• Be supportive
• Be appropriate
• etc

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• Out Of Bounds
• When people have not learned to live healthy,
  balanced lives do not recognize their own
  shortcomings and feel threatened or insecure,
  they will
• Criticize/condemn
• Command
• Back down
• Lash out
• Act immature
• etc

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Types of Difficult People

• Difficult people often have similar patterns to
  their behavior. Several types of difficult
  people will be described below. Some people
  engage in several of these difficult behaviors,
  depending on the time, the situation, the person,
  or their stage in life.
• The General (the boss)
• Believe they know what must be done
• Have a need to control, command, or boss around.
• Demanding, no matter what the cost
• Use stares, verbal threats, intimidation
• Opposition is not tolerated and must be
  eliminated
• Views others as incapable or incompetent

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• The Judge (the critic)
• Always critical and judgmental
• Think, talk and breathe to criticize
• Views almost everyone negatively
• Passes judgment and sentence to everyone
• Cynical, pessimistic, complainer
• No one and nothing measures up
• The Meddler (the nosy one)
• Are always involved in things where they dont
  belong
• They ask inappropriate, invasive and personal
  questions
• They do the same with their comments
• They know everything about everyone
• They want to micromanage
• Very nosy
• Like to gossip
• They play people

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• The Invalidator (the squasher)
• Must put others down to feel good about
  themselves
• Have real difficulty recognizing or celebrating
  other peoples successes
• Not very happy with themselves
• May present as big egos, but their egos are very
  fragile
• Dont want other people to be happy with
  themselves
• Give little jabs, comments, put downs (often in
  the form of humor)

• The Rebel (the non-conformist)
• Always challenges authority. Refuses to go
  along by running away, leaving, building
  opposition, disagreeing, getting angry,
  undermining your support, being stubborn
• Need to be different then other people
• Have trouble going along with things

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• The Pleaser (the nice one)
• Gives a lot, but takes little
• Takes care of everyone else, but not for
  himself/herself
• Gives, gives and gives some more, over-giver
• Life is often out of balance
• Learned to usually back down from situations
• Most others do not give the same in return
• Resentment, sadness, hurt blinds
• Give more to get more
• The Angry One (the troll)
• Uses anger to get what he/she wants
• Overt anger/convert anger
• May be angry and not know it
• People around him/her walk on eggshells
• Uses anger as a cover for other emotions
• Grumpy, irritable
• Lashes out/explodes

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• The Whiner (the complainer)
• Poor me attitude
• Learned helplessness
• Negative, pessimistic
• Constant complainer
• Glass is half empty, not half full
• Gives up easily
• Always a victim
• Scarcity mentality versus an abundance mentality
• Everyone else is lucky
• The Habitual Liar
• Lies to build oneself up
• Sneaky manipulative
• Often believes own version of truth
• plays people
• Behavior is more than exaggeration
• Lies to get out of consequences/responsibilities
• Often in own denial

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• The Im always right person
• Must always be right
• Think win/lose
• Hates to back down
• Rarely says Im sorry
• Presents as big ego
• Can be very domineering
• Have difficulty listening to others
• Can act very immature
• Often have rigid thinking
• Important to Remember Difficult behavior has
  been learned. Somewhere difficult people have
  learned to behave in a particular way to help
  them manage and cope with their world.

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• Our goal in dealing with difficult people is to
  make what is unconscious, conscious. Our goal is
  to be informed about what is going on in them and
  must of all in us. Our goal is to make informed
  choices versus having automatic reactions.
• Choices and Options
• When dealing with difficult people, it is
  important to remember that you always have a
  choice. In fact, you have several choices.
  There may be times when you feel your choices are
  limited, but, in most situations, there will be a
  variety of options to choose from. Start with
  yourself. Operate from a position of inner
  strength. Know your triggers. Do your own inner
  work.

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Choices and Options

• Suffer in silence
• 2. Suffer and complain
• 3. Pull back, Distance yourself, leave for a
  while
• 4. Stay away permanently
• 5. Accept difficult people the way they are.
  Note Accept does not mean condone, or agree
  with.
• 6. Protect/care for yourself when they are
  around. Put on your emotional sunscreen
• 7. If required, keep yourself physically safe and
  protected.
• 8. Exercise your influence.

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Exercise Your Influence

• When you are trying to exercise some influence,
  look at what people already do when they
  communicate successfully with others.
• Look for common ground. Meet people where they
  are at, and be intentional and deliberate about
  finding things in common. Show signals with your
  body, your voice, and your words. Try to
  emotionally connect. Look for emotional bids.
  Send emotional bids of connection.
  Intentionally blend with that person.
• Redirect. Look for another similar focus.
  Connect with the difficult persons emotion.
  Connect with the difficult persons concept. (It
  does not mean that you have to agree.)
• Assert yourself by setting your boundaries, by
  drawing your line in the sand.

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Skills to Assist You to Positively Influence the
Difficult Persons BehaviorFirstly, you must
weigh the pros and cons of saying nothing, and
the pros and cons of your decision to try to
positively influence the difficult person.

• Look for positive intent. Look for common
  ground.
• Demonstrate positive intent. Send emotional
  bids. Find ways to connect. Look for
  similarities.
• Know your own triggers. Protect your psyche.
  Change your reactions. Be confident. Put on
  sunscreen protection.
• Know their triggers. Attempt to understand how
  they become difficult. Attempt to understand
  what is driving that behavior now.
• Picture yourself as a fact finder/detective.
  Dont react emotionally. Stay calm, focused,
  reassured.

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• 6. Prepare in advance what you will say.
  (practice, role play, visualize, talk with
  someone you trust.) Find the right time and the
  right place to talk. (ie. Neutral turf)
• 7. Ask specific questions when dealing with
  generalizations. What? Where? Who? When? How?
  Is this first hand information? Who said that
  specifically? Were those the exact words?
  Give another view of the facts.
• Make what is vague, more clear. Ask specific and
  clarifying questions. help me understand this
  better. What do you mean by foolish? What
  does strange mean to you? How do you know I
  think that?
• Redirect to the emotion that is being triggered,
  or to the concept or belief that is being
  presented.
• Use I statements. I see it from this
  perspective. I need to hear more. Id like
  us to get along better. or Use we statements.
  We want a good solution. We need a good
  relationship to make this work.

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• 11. Pay very careful attention to the language
  and words that are used, theirs and yours.
• 12. What is their job, interests, strengths?
• 13. Reinforce the person when they are not being
  difficult. Connect with them.
• 14. Ask for their input, opinion, thoughts and
  suggestions. Show respect.
• Reinforce the new, desired behaviors.
• Show appreciation verbal, written, small
  gift/token, etc.
• Understand the persons life rules, their
  beliefs.
• Presuppose how they might do things the next
  time. Plant the seed. in the future Next
  time this is the way to approach me This
  might be helpful
• Take care of yourself. Be your own best friend.
  Surround yourself with positive, healthy people.
• Set your limits both personal and professional

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How to be assertive when dealing with negative
behavior or with negative comments

• Assertive communication begins with assertive
  self-talk. Give yourself permission to stand up
  for yourself. I can do this. Its time.
• Weigh the pros and cons of standing up for
  yourself. Remember you always have choices even
  though you may feel limited at times.
• Visualization
• Picture yourself being strong, healthy, assertive
• Picture yourself handling any situation
• Picture yourself not giving your time, energy, or
  well-being away to anyone.
• Picture yourself being assertive and confident
• Picture the person who is speaking or acting
  difficult" coming from a place of
  vulnerability/insecurity/jealously/pain/etc.
• Picture this person playing out of bounds to
  self-protect to get the advantage

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• Assess what the other person needs from their
  negative comments/behavior what you need now/or
  in the future
• - whats been triggered in them
• - whats been triggered in you
• Ask yourself, What do I hope to gain from my
  being assertive in this encounter?
• Timing is this the best time for this assertive
  encounter?
• Location is this the best location?
• Feedback
• Stick to the current issue
• Provide feedback in small doses, dont overwhelm
• Keep feedback simple
• Describe behavior factually and specifically
• State your reaction
• State what you would like changed
• State benefits to all

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• Non-verbal communication pay attention to your
  body, face, voice, tones, etc.
• Use I statements and/or we statements. Avoid
  you statements.
• Acknowledge persons value pr previous positive
  behavior, then state your feedback on current
  negative behavior or comments. Look for the
  good.
• Focus on win/win.
• Listen well. Seek to understand.
• Agree with part or portion of their comments
• Practice role play scenario/situation with a
  trusted friend, relative, or co-worker.

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• Set your limits and boundaries
• Step back physically and emotionally if necessary
• Walk away for a short time/long time/permanently
• Withhold attention. Do not respond verbally or
  non-verbally to negative behavior and comments.
• Responding to attacks or manipulations
• Dont over defend yourself
• Dont over deny yourself
• Dont counter-attack
• Dont get into or play the game
• After the incident
• What could you have done differently?
• Do you regret how things have turned out?
• If you could change something from that day or
  incident, what would you change?
• What do you need to change?

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Examples of Assertive Responses

• Be assertive by speaking firmly and to the point.
• Thats your opinion
• Thats your picture of reality
• I refuse to participate in a name calling
  argument
• I believe youve offended yourself with that
  comment
• Your negativity is not helpful to me
• Your anger makes this conversation difficult
  right now
• Was that meant to be a nasty comment?
• Ill give this one more thoughtand get back to
  you
• I agree with part of what you said
• That comment was not appreciated

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• Next time, I suggest you think twice before you
  try to direct the family get together
• Im choosing not to listen to anymore whining in
  my life
• I dont appreciate hearing gossip about people.
• That is your version of the truth, not mine.
• I repeat, Im not changing my plans.
• I accept your choice, I dont agree with it.
• Ive noticed that you like to take the role of
  devils advocate.
• From now on, Im calling you on your jibes.
• Although you say Im like Uncle Bob, we are,
  however, two separate people.
• Thats not helpful to the situation right now.

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• Summary
• Remember your choices and options. Make small,
  gradual steps in your change process. Practice.
  Think assertively. Remember its your time,
  energy, and well-being. Stay focused. Make the
  conscious decision to live well and to live
  positively.
• THANK YOU!