Effective People Management

1
Effective People Management

• Khaled F. Sherif
• Chief Administrative Officer
• The World Bank
• Course Material available on
• http\\www.ksherif.com

2
What is T.A.?

• Transactional Analysis Is ...

Personality Theory Simplified
Motivation Theory Simplified
A Leadership Style
A Training Tool
An Easy Way of Understanding Who says What, and
Why People Act and Interact the Way They Do
An Aid in Dealing with Conflict Problems
3
Reasons for Popularity of T.A. In Management
Simple Language
Built-in Humor
Non-Threatening Self-analysis
Appropriate For Normal People
Useful at Work At Home
Demonstrated Success in Bus. Organizations
4
Basic Human Ego States(Personality States)

• FURTHER BREAKDOWN OF EGO STATES

• THREE BASIC
• EGO STATES

LECTURING, CRITICIZING, MANY OUGHTS, SHOULD
DONTS
P (PARENT)
CRITICAL PARENT NURTURING PARENT
CONSOLING, TAKING CARE OF OTHERS, SYMPATHY
A (ADULT)
ADULT
OBJECTIVE, RATIONAL, ORIENTED TOWARD PROBLEM
SOLVING, DE-EMPHASIZE EMOTION
MODIFIED BEHAVIOUR TO CONFORM TO ADULT
EXPECTATIONS, MANUPULATIVE, SUMBISSIVE
C (CHILD)
ADAPTED CHILD NATURAL CHILD
PLAYFUL, IMPULSIVE, NATULRALLY CURIOUS CREATIVE,
FUN LOVING, REBELLIOUS
5
Critical vs. Nurturing Parent
6
Natural Child vs. Adult
7
Typical Ways of Expressing Ego States on the Job
CANT YOU TURN IN AN ICA ON TIME JUST ONCE?
CRITICAL PARENT
WHAT, IT TAKES TWO WEEKS TO PREPARE A PSR?
IM SURPRISED AT YOU THE QUALITY OF THIS PAD IS
LOUSY
TAKE A REST STOP ON YOUR WAY BACK, THE MISSION
WAS TOO LONG
NURTURING PARENT
CAN I HELP YOU EDIT THE PCD, HES ASKING TOO
MUCH OF YOU
YOUVE DONE A SWELL JOB ON THAT AAA, BUT YOU
MUST HAVE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT
WHAT ARE THE ALTERNATIVES IF WE MISS THE BOARD
DATE?
ADULT
CANT WE REACH SOME SORT OF COMPROMISE ON THE
TRANCHE RELEASE?
WHAT CONSEQUENCES WILL THIS SAP DELEGATION
HAVE?
ANYTHING YOU SAY, YOURE THE DIRECTOR
ADAPTED CHILD
SORRY,THE PAD IS LOUSY ILL TRY TO IMPROVE IT.
WHAT WOULD ECSPF DO WITHOUT YOU
NOBODY FOLLOWS THAT PROCUREMENT RULE ANYWAY.
NATURAL CHILD
FORGET ABOUT IT, HES JUST A SECTOR MANAGER
ITS MY AWS DAY, OF COURSE IM NOT COMING TO
MEET WITH THE DELEGATION FOR THE SPRING MEETINGS
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Types of Interpersonal Transactions
P
P
P
P
P
P
A
A
A
A
A
A
C
C
C
C
C
C
COMPLEMENTARY
CROSSED
ULTERIOR
P
P
P
P
P
P
A
A
A
A
A
A
C
C
C
C
C
C
VERBAL COMMUNICATION (A CRITICAL PARENT CAN BE
SILENT !!!)
EXPECTED RESPONSE, NO CONFLICT
PRODUCE CONFLICT, STOP COMMUNICATION, HURT
FEELINGS
NON-VERBAL HIDDEN MEANING
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Examples of Complementary Transactions on the Job

• ACS THE PAD NEEDED RE-FORMATING SO I TOOK THE
  LIBERTY OF MAKING IT LOOK BETTER
• TTL YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF ME,

• SECTOR MANAGER WHAT CAN WE DO TO MEET THE BOARD
  DATE?
• PTL WE CAN TAKE A COUPLE OF PEOPLE OFF THE OTHER
  SERBIA PROJECT FOR A WHILE AND PUT THEM ON THIS
  ONE.

• MISSION LEADER DONT FORGET YOUR TENNIS RACQUET
  FOR THE MISSION TO BOSNIA
• MISSION MEMBER IM GLAD YOU HAVE YOUR
  PRIORITIES RIGHT

P
P
P
P
P
P
(1)
(1)
A
A
A
A
A
A
(2)
(2)
(1)
C
C
C
C
C
C
(2)
NURTURING PARENT TO ADAPTED CHILD
NATURAL CHILD TO NATURAL CHILD
ADULT TO ADULT TRANSACTION
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Examples of Crossed Transactions on the Job

• PTL ON THE PHONE COME SEE ME IN MY OFFICE NOW!
  (DEMANDING TONE OF VOICE)
• ACS WHY DONT YOU COME OVER HERE? ITS JUST AS
  CLOSE!

• SECTOR MANAGER DID YOU FINISH THE BUDGET
  ESTIMATES?
• BUDGET ANALYST HOW CAN I IF THE WHOLE PROCESS
  DOESNT MAKE SENSE.

• PTL WHATS THE RULE ON GETTING AN INTERNATIONAL
  CELL PHONE
• ASSISTANT HOW SHOULD I KNOW, WHY DONT YOU LOOK
  UP THE RULE FOR YOURSELF

P
P
P
P
P
P
P
P
(1)
(1)
(1)
A
A
A
A
(1)
A
A
A
A
(2)
C
C
C
C
(2)
(2)
C
C
C
C
(2)
ADULT-TO-ADULT CROSSED BY CRITICAL
PARENT-TO-CHILD RESPONSE
PARENT-TO-CHILD CROSSED BY CRITICAL PARENT OR
REBELLIOUS CHILD RESPONSE
ADULT-TO-ADULT CROSSES UP BY DISCOUNTED CHILD TO
PARENT RESPONSE
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Examples of Ulterior Transactions

• EMPLOYEE SORRY, THE AAA WONT BE READY FOR
  TOMORROWS END OF THE YEAR DEADLINE.
• SECTOR MANAGER ITS O.K. IVE BEEN THINKING OF
  ASSIGNING THIS TO SOMEONE ELSE ANYWAY.

• IT SPECIALIST THIS DOCKING STATION HAS GOT
  EVERYTHING YOUD EVER WANT FROM A COMPUTER BUT
  YOU HAVE TO BE REGULAR TO HAVE ONE.
• CONSULTANT WELL I AM FIXED TERM YOU KNOW..
  (HIDDEN MEANING WHO DOES HE THINK I AM?)

P
P
P
P
(1)
A
A
(1)
(1)
A
A
(2)
(2)
(1)
C
C
(2)
C
C
(2)
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StrokingThe Types of Strokes You Seek Depend on
Your Okayness
POSITIVESTROKES
NEGATIVE STROKES
CONDITIONAL STROKES
PUT-DOWNS CRITICISM DEGRADING RIDICULE SCOLD
ING PUNISHMENT DISCOUNTING ALWAYS STRINGS
ATTACHED THE STRINGS HAVE SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES
PRAISE COMPLEMENTS RECOGNITION AFFECTION REWA
RDS SYMPATHY CONSOLATION SELF-SATISFACTION
FROM JOB WELL DONE ALWAYS STRINGS ATTACHED THE
STRINGS MODERATE
STROKES WITH ULTERIOR MOTIVES (ADAPTED
CHILD) STROKES GIVEN FOR WHAT YOU DO, RATHER
THAN FOR WHO YOU ARE (CRITICAL PARENT)

• PERFORMANCE ORIENTED STROKE (STRINGS USUALLY
• LINKING A DELIVERABLE TO
• A PROMOTION
• (ADULT)
• ACCOMODATION CONFORMITY ORIENTED STROKES
  (CRITICAL PARENT
• ATTEMPTING TO SHAPE
• BEHAVIOR AND CREATE
• ADAPTED CHILDREN
• TYPOLOGY)

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Critical Parent Gray Stamp Zingers
A woman without a man is like a fish without a
bicycle When turkeys want to marry they think
of swans
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job
Anything is possible if you dont know what your
talking about
You can pretend to be serious you cant pretend
to be witty
What we learn after we know it all is what counts
Its always dangerous to be right when the boss
is wrong
When you have a pen, you have no paper, when you
have paper, you dont have a pen, when you have
both, you have no message
The explanation of a disaster is always made by a
stand-in
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Critical Parent - Damaged

• Do critical parents show patterns of abnormal
  behavior?
• To some degree they are in fact damaged.
• Some are exhibiting behaviors that are very black
  and white
• Hes great hes useless, there is no in between
• You are either a God, or a waste of space
• The reason critical parents are damaged is that
  they in some instances hurt others to feel better
  about themselves
• Hes a fool, because hes not as experienced as I
  am
• Hes an idiot, because he didnt go to the same
  school that I went to
• Hes useless because he doesnt write well, or
  present well, and is comparing a poorer skill set
  with his own
• Every time he finds someone who doesnt measure
  up, he/she feels better about who they are

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Basic Psychological (Life) Positions Your Self
Image

• 3. IM NOT OK YOURE OK
• CHILD-TO-ADULT EGO STATE ACTIVATED. FEELINGS OF
  INFERIORITY, GUILT, DISAPPOINTMENT IN SELF
  PREDOMINANT. USUALLY TRIGGERED OUT OF FEAR

• 1. IM OK YOURE OK
• WIN- WIN, HEALTHY, OPTIMISTIC, ADULT-TO-ADULT
  INTERACTION. IDEAL LIFE POSITION ON OFF THE
  JOB. NUMEROUS GOLD STAMPS

• 2. IM OK YOURE NOT OK
• CRITICAL PARENT EGO STATE ACTIVATED. MAY EVOLVE
  FROM BEING HURT OR DISCOUNTED. FEELS DISTRUST,
  ANGER, SUPERIORITY. GRAY STAMPS IN PLAY

• 4. IM NOT OK YOURE NOT OK
• LACKS TRUST IN OTHERS. FEELINGS OF HOPELESSNESS,
  DESIRE FOR REVENGE, OFTEN EXTREME DEPRESSION.
  SERIOUS BLACK STAMPS IN PLAY

• 5. IM OK, IM NOT SURE ABOUT YOU
• (KEEP IN MIND GRAY, BLACK GOLD STAMPS)

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Im OK, Im Not Sure About You

• Typically, this is the state that your in when
  you meet someone for the first time
• However, this not necessarily always the case
• You can meet someone that is so much like you,
  that it triggers an Im OK, Your OK initial
  response, until proven otherwise
• You can also meet someone so much not like you,
  that it triggers an Im OK, Your Not OK initial
  response, until proven otherwise
• In most instances, relationships are formed by
  transactions that either tend to be positive, or
  tend to be negative
• If the transactions remain positive, over time
  gold stamps accrue and you start building an Im
  OK, Your OK relationship
• If the transactions are pre-dominantly negative,
  over time gray stamps accrue and you start
  building an Im OK, Your Not OK relationship
• If the negative gets nasty, really nasty, then an
  Im Not OK, Your Not OK relationship develops

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Im OK, Your OK One of Its Most Common Forms

• When you have a relationship with someone in this
  mode gold stamps, possibly several of them, have
  accrued
• There is mutual respect between you and most
  importantly there is trust
• You can rely on that person, and they can rely on
  you
• You know more about them than what is just at
  work. You might know there kids, and they might
  know yours. You share things that are not just
  professional, but are private as well
• You see this in the Bank consistently among
  people that travel together often and in very
  difficult environments
• Many of my Im OK, Your OK relationships
  accrued from going to countries like Bosnia
  immediately after the war. With gun shot fire
  almost every night, we all started checking in on
  each other, and were concerned when someone was
  late for breakfast, or late from a meeting
• That concern, created a pattern of caring, that
  interface led to the development of gold stamps
• You tend to have lunch more often with people in
  this category, or you invite them to your home.
  This is your tennis partner, but more
  importantly, this is your friend

18
Im OK, Your Not OK One of Its Most Common
Forms

• Unfortunately, most of our relationships are in
  this mode
• This appears when we think were smarter, better,
  or more committed than someone else
• It also comes from repetitive disagreements, or
  when you consistently are overruled
• For example, if you are a lead TTL and in the
  middle of an important meeting when the boss is
  asking everyone for their opinion, he turns to
  you and says Can you photo copy this for the
  rest of the group?
• You might do it, but it triggers a gray stamp
• In turn this gray stamp, combined with others,
  defines your relationship with this person
  squarely in the Im OK, Your Not OK category
• On average, about 8 of every 10 people we work
  with are labeled by us in this category
• When this happens work does not tend to be fun
• This is what gives you the feeling of not wanting
  to get out of bed Monday morning and you start
  thinking Oh my God, not again

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Im OK, Hes Not OK
Good morning
Good morning
Did you see the game yesterday?
Could he be any less professional?
What a kiss-up
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Im OK, Shes Not OK
Good morning
Good morning
Check out hair
Evaluate skin
Inspect jewelry
Is that a real tan?
Hiding cellulite?
Decide if shoes are cute or ugly
Compare figure
Any surgery?
Ive seen that dress
Too much skin
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Im Not OK, Your OK One of Its Most Common
Forms

• This can stem from a third party reaction to a
  Im Not OK Your Not OK set of transactions
• A colleague has taken your supervisor to an
  administrative tribunal
• You are asked to testify
• You have such fear of that supervisor that when
  asked questions about your boss, you answer them
  in a way that doesnt get you into trouble
• Problem is, now you have let your colleague down
  who you knew was in the right
• Behavior like this is normal, but is usually
  generated our of fear
• If the boss explains an action related to a
  staffer implying the person is incompetent, you
  many know this not to be true, but you want to
  avoid conflict with your boss, so you say
  nothing, or in its worst form, you implicitly or
  explicitly support this judgment
• When faced statements like What an idiot, you
  say nothing even when you disagree
• When you interact with the person thereafter, the
  Im Not OK, Your OK mode kicks in
• Yup youll pick up the lunch tab too.

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IM Not OK, Your Not OK One of Its Worst Forms

• Why do some really nasty things get said about
  people in the work place, a lot of the time so
  absurd that they poison the work environment?
• This consistently occurs when a relationship
  between two people deteriorates to the "I'm Not
  OK, Your Not OK" category. At this stage, one
  person, usually the subordinate, feels so wronged
  by their supervisor that they feel justified in
  saying, or putting in writing (usually in
  anonymity), allegations that are extremely
  personal and accusatory.
• If you have ever come across this, it is easy to
  spot.
• The accuser is usually very emotional and deeply
  troubled by his or her interaction with their
  supervisor. The person may feel threatened, was
  threatened, or generally feels humiliated and
  discounted.
• The response to this is often self defense and
  this can take on various forms. When the worst
  forms of "I'm Not OK, Your Not OK" kick in, it is
  like a bad divorce between two people that is
  getting really nasty.
• In its worst form, people then start taking
  sides, and transference sinks in. The office
  atmosphere becomes divisive and a pattern sets in
  that usually leads to new and more troubling
  accusations or events occurring weekly, or even
  daily.

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Conflict at Work I

• Did You Hear the Latest (Reuters in the work
  place)?
• EMPLOYEE PLAYING THE ROLE OF REUTERS SHARING
  OFFICE RUMORS AND GOSSIP. THE RUMORS KEEP YOU
  ON EDGE, BUT CONSISTENTLY PROVE TO BE WRONG AND
  TEND TO CREATE AN IM OK YOUR NOT OK ENVIRONMENT

KICK ME
SORRY, I COULDNT FINISH THAT ICA TOO MANY
TASKS AT THE SAME TIME
OH MY GOD THIS PLACE IS GOING TO PIECES
THATS OK, I UNDERSTAND (ULTERIOR MESSAGE
THATS NOT OK AND MAN ARE YOU GOING TO GET IT)
PARTNERS SCRIPT IM OK YOURE NOT OK.
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Conflict at Work II

• WOODEN LEG

YES, BUT
WHY DONT YOU SEND THE PROCUREMENT PLAN UP FOR
CLEARANCE?
IF IT WERENT FOR MY BACK TROUBLE, I COULD HAVE
FINISHED ALL THE BINDERS YOU NEEDED FOR THE
DIRECTORS MEETING.
WELL, THE PACKAGE ISNT FULLY FINISHED YET IS
IT?
USES REAL OR IMAGINED HANDICAP AS CONSTANT
EXCUSE. NEGATIVE SELF-IMAGE IM NOT OK
SELF-PITY. CONTINUALLY LOOKING FOR CONSOLATION OR
PITY FROM NURTURING PARENT.
A FREQUENT GAME BETWEEN STAFF AND LINE PERSONNEL.
THE HOOKER MAY ACTUALLY ASK THE OTHER PERSON
FOR HELP WITH SOMETHING, THEN THE OTHER PERSON
SYSTEMATICALLY FINDS FAULT WITH ONE SUGGESTION
AFTER ANOTHER.
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Conflict at Work III

• AINT IT AWFUL

HURRIED MANAGER
THESE YPs STRAIGHT OUT OF THE PROGRAM, THEY
THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING.
IVE GOT TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF AROUND HERE!
YEAH, WE WERE NEVER LIKE THAT YOU KNOW.
COMPULSIVE MANAGER WHO TAKES ON MORE AND MORE
RESPONSIBILITY, OFTEN MORE THAN HE/SHE CAN
HANDLE, THEN COMPLAINS ABOUT HOW BUSY HE/SHE IS.
MAY STILL BE PLAYING OUT THE ADAPTED CHILD EGO
STATE IN RESPONSE TO CRITICAL PARENT WITH HIGH
EXPECTATIONS. SEEKS NURTURING PARENT STROKES.
GOSSIP TYPE COMPLEMENTARY TRANSACTIONS BETWEEN
TWO CRITICAL PARENT EGO STATES. MAY FOSTER TEAM
SPIRIT, BUT IN A NONPRODUCTIVE, NON-OBJECTIVE
DIRECTION. POPULAR WITH COMMITTEES.
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Conflict at Work IV
NIGYSOB

• STUPID

HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID, I CANT FIND
THE LATEST PAD ON WORD I DONT HAVE A BACK-UP
NOW, IVE GOT YOU, YOU S.O.B
CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF PERSECUTOR SETTING UP HIS
VICTIM. LOVES TO ACTIVATE HIS CRITICAL PARENT EGO
STATE. OFTEN SETS IMPOSSIBLE TASKS FOR
SUBORDINATES, GIVES INCOMPLETE INSTRUCTIONS, THEN
GETS READY TO GIVE A KICK.
EXAMPLE MANAGER I HEAR THEY ARE LOOKING FOR
A PRIVATIZATION SPECIALIST IN THE
CENTER. SUBORDINATE HOW ABOUT YOUR
RECOMMENDING ME FOR THAT POSITION? MANAGER
YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A PRIVATIZATION
SPECIALIST?
MAKES DUMB MISTAKE, GETS NEGATIVE STROKES FROM
CRITICAL PARENT AND THEN BECOMES CRITICAL PARENT
ALSO. A PATTERN OF TRANSFERANCE BUILDS
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Conflict at Work V
BOSNIA PER

• NOW I/WEVE GOT YOU YOU SOBs

A PER IS CRITICIZED HEAVILY AND DESCRIBED AS A
TERRIBLE PRODUCT
IN AN OFFICE DOMINATED BYCLIQUES THE SECOND IN
COMMAND TAKES CHARGE
A NEW TTL IS ASSIGNED HE REVERSES THE CHAPTERS
BUT DOESNT ALTER THE CONTENT THE PER NOW
RECEIVES A GLOWING REVIEW BUT ALL THATS REALLY
CHANGED IS THE NAME ON THE DOCUMENT!!
NOW ITS TIME FOR HIM AND HIS TEAM TO GET EVEN
WITH THOSE THAT ARE NOT MEMBERS OF THE OK CROWD
28
Conflict at Work VI

• UPROAR

IF IT WERENT FOR YOU
WELL,IF YOU SHOWED ME HOW TO DO IT FROM THE
BEGINNING THIS WOULDNT BE HAPPENING
IF IT WERENT FOR THAT DIRECTOR, I COULD HAVE
BEEN A SECTOR MANAGER BY NOW.
CANT YOU INPUT AN I/O RIGHT JUST ONCE?
IF IT WERENT FOR SOMEONE OR SOMETHING IS A
FAVORITE COP-OUT, BLAME OTHERS FOR SUPPOSEDLY
UNAVOIDABLE CIRCUMSTANCES FOR LACK OF
ACHIEVEMENTS, CHILD EGO STATE ACTIVATED.
BOTH PLAYERS TRADE INSULTS OR ABUSES, ENGAGE IN
ATTACK AND COUNTER-ATTACK. OFTEN DETERIORATES
INTO SHOUTING MATCH. TWO IM OK YOU ARE NOT OK
POSITIONS CLASHING. WORSE A MANAGER CAN THEN
TAKE SIDES CAUSING MORE DAMAGE
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Conflict at Work VII
RAPO

• LETS YOU AND
• HIM FIGHT

THAT NO-GOOD SO--SO!
SECTOR MANAGER HAVE YOU SEEN ALEX THIS
MORNING? SUBORDINATE NO, ALEX NEVER GETS IN
THIS EARLY! USED TO DEVELOP TRANSFORM THE IM
OK, IM NOT SURE ABOUT YOU MODE INTO IM OK,
HE/SHE IS NOT OK
I WOULDT WANT YOU TO TELL ANYBODY WHO CLUED YOU
IN, BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT YOUR SECTOR MANAGER
DIDNT SUPPORT YOUR PROMOTION AT THE DMT?
SAYING THINGS IN CONFIDENCE IS OFTEN AN
ULTERIOR TRANSACTION. PLAYER HAS A HIDDEN
AGENDA, ACTIVATES HIS MANIPULATIVE CHILD EGO
STATE.
30

Conflict at Work VIII

• YES SIR ..

DO YOU KNOW WHO YOURE TALKING TO?
I AM THE PTL AND YOU BETTER REMEMBER THAT
MISTER
I THINK THIS SHOULD BE A TWO TRANCHE OPERATION.
YES, WHAT A GREAT IDEA. I WONDER WHY I DIDNT
THINK OF THAT MYSELF
COMPLEMENTARY TRANSACTIONS BETWEEN PARENT AND
CHILD EGO STATES. POPULAR GAME IN COMMITTEES.
SOMEONE WHO ALL OF A SUDDEN WANTS TO USE TITLES
AND BE FORMAL. MAY BE PLAYING CRITICAL PARENT
31
Conflict at Work IX

• MY SRI WAS AWFUL

IM NOT SAYING HELLO
HERES A GOOD SNUB FOR YOU FELLA!
I GOT A 5 THIS YEAR, WHAT DID YOU GET?.
IM NOT SURE, BUT I CONSIDER THINGS LIKE THIS
PERSONAL.
PLAYING OUT THE CRITICAL PARENT EGO STATE IN
RESPONSE TO WHAT WAS PERCEIVED TO BE A CRITICAL
PARENT TRANSACTION. THE MESSAGE IS IM OK YOUR
NOT OK. BUT, WHAT HAPPENS IF THIS PERESON LATER
BECOMES YOUR BOSS?
THIS CAN EASILY BECOME A TRANSACTION BETWEEN TWO
CRITICAL PARENT EGO STATES. USUALLY SPREADS AND
CREATES MORE CRITICAL PARENTS BY TRANSFERENCE
32

Conflict at Work X

• WHAT DID HE MEAN BY THAT?

HE CANT TELL THE DIFFERENE BETWEEN THE FOREST
AND THE TREES
WHY IS IT THAT I SEE YOU BOTH TOGETHER ALL THE
TIME?
WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS, THE MANS BEEN HERE A
WEEK AND HES FIGURED THE PLACE OUT
WHAT DID HE MEAN BY THAT, HES SUCH A JERK
NATURAL CHILD TALKING TO CRITICAL PARENTS THE
COMMUNICATION SOUNDS FINE, BUT IT ISNT.
NEW PERSON JOINS A TEAM USUALLY REPLACING SOMEONE
THAT WAS LIKED. THOSE AROUND HIM TEND TO PLAY
CRITICAL PARENT MAKING IT HARD FOR THE PERSON TO
BE ACCEPTED
33
Conflict at Work XI

• TRAIN YOUR OWN REPLACEMENT?
• EMPLOYEE BEING ASKED TO EFFECTIVELY TRAIN THEIR
  OWN REPLACEMENT EITHER BY BEING DUPED, OR BEING
  TOLD OUTRIGHT YOUR OUT, BUT THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED
  TO DO BEFORE YOU GO

DONT BEG
I CAME TO SEE YOU TO SEE IF THERE IS ANYTHING WE
CAN DO TO IMPROVE MY PERFORMANCE REVIEW AND
SALARY ADJUSTMENT
OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE THIS
I JUST HATE PEOPLE WHO BEG
SCRIPT IM OK YOURE NOT OK.
34
Transference

• What is Transference?
• Transference occurs when two people have a I am
  OK, Your OK relationship, and a third-party is
  introduced who has a I am Not OK, Your Not OK
  relationship with one of these two people
• Very often, the relationship state that exists
  between the third-party and the principal is
  transferred to the other person. This often
  creates a I am OK, Your Not OK relationship
  with that person as well

35
First Party Transference

• What is First Party Transference?
• First party transference occurs when a person,
  usually a supervisor, has had a bad experience
  with a subordinate
• The subordinate has failed to meet the
  expectations of the boss, by giving him/her a
  sub-standard product, by not being timely, or
  possibly by consistently getting complaints that
  the person mishandled relationships with peer or
  clients on that job
• From this outcome, the supervisor starts forming
  an Im OK, Hes Not OK lens towards the
  subordinate.
• This thinking starts getting the supervisor to
  avoid giving this person the next high profile
  project, or to begin to discount this person more
  generally

?
36
An Example of Second Party Transference

• Second party transference starts occurring when
  someone is passing on a judgment about a person
  to someone else
• For example, when Wei and Thomas have an Im OK,
  Your OK relationship
• And, Thomas has an Im OK, Your Not OK
  relationship with Lars, what do you think can
  happen?
• What happens when Lars is only partly aware of
  this tension?

??
Lars
Thomas
Wei
37
An Example of Second party Transference

• Through transference, Wei can quickly develop an
  Im OK, Your Not OK relationship with Lars
• Lars then doesnt understand why Wei isnt
  incorporating him into his team
• Lars also cant understand why Wei was never
  willing to give him a chance since they never
  really worked together

??

Lars
Thomas
??
Wei
38
Second-Party Transference

• Another example Anna and Wei have a strong Im
  OK , Your OK relationship
• Anna has a Your Not OK Relationship with Lars
• Lars applies for a job where Wei is the hiring
  manager what happens then?

Im really interested in the open position
??
??

Sorry, youre not the right guy for it
Lars is a lazy bum
39
Third-Party Transference

• Third party transference occurs when either a
  team, or more than two people, have passed
  judgment on a staffer that is either negative or
  positive.
• For example, Wei and Lars have an Im OK , Your
  OK relationship
• Lars feels he has earned a promotion to an open
  position
• Ken tells John to Hire Claudette, not Lars, for
  the open position (cronyism/previous
  relationship)

Lars
Open Position
Ken VP/Director
Wei SectorManager
40
Third-Party Transference

• Claudette is hired. Lars resents that he was not
  promoted and is unhappy with Wei, his Sector
  Manager. From the get go Lars has a poor
  relationship with Claudette, because he feels she
  did not earn his job
• Wei is unhappy that Ken (the Director)
  big-footed him on the hire and to save his
  relationship with Lars, he starts being critical
  of Ken

??
??
??
??
41
Third-Party Team Transference

• An example of team transference can involve a new
  Director who comes in and has an Im OK, Your
  OK relationship with a particular group. The
  new Director tends to work with a defined team
  (click) and to rely on old relationships heavily
• Two or more team member in the new managers
  click have an Im OK, Your Not OK relationship
  with Lars and Alex and they bad mouth them to the
  Director
• The Director, through transference, forms a
  negative opinion of Lars and Alex, and therefore,
  they are selected for only the worst assignments
  in the department (reassigned from Turkey to
  Tajikistan)

??
42
Third-Party Transference Clicks (Teams)
How can Lars and Alex repair their relationship
with the new manager?
??
43
Third-Party Transference

• Third-Party transference can occur when Lars, who
  has a bad relationship with his managers and
  tries to move from Dept X to Dept Y.
• Lars managers effectively block his transfer
  through transference and now he finds himself in
  a dead-end

??
??
Ken Head of Dept Y

??
Wei Head of Dept X
Thomas Manager in Dept X
Lars Employee in Dept X
44
Image Transference

• What is Image Transference?
• When people start developing a perception of who
  you are, an image is formed from one person, and
  is transferred from one person to another person
  and/or to a group of people
• There are different types of image transference
  that involve groups including
• Emissary
• Clicks vs. Teams

• New Manager
• Old Manager

45
Emissary Transference

• Characteristics
• A senior manager appoints/inherits a surrogate
  who tends to be very a critical parent
• The surrogate has terrible communication skills
• The image of the senior manager is hurt by
  transference as this is the person staff see and
  work with the most

46
New Manager Transference

• Characteristics
• A new manager is appointed and his predecessor
  is beloved by several members of the existing
  team
• They are unhappy with the selection and cannot
  understand why management made a change
• Staff are happy to hear negative views of the new
  manager from others to transfer to the rest of
  the team

47
Old Manager Transference

• Characteristics
• A new manager is appointed to a new position, but
  has various strong Im OK, Your OK, relationships
  with people in his old work group
• The new manager starts intimidating staff in his
  new work group to nudge them out.

48
Clicks vs. Team Transference

• Characteristics
• Manager trusts select people in the work group
  more than others
• Over time the manager tends to discount the
  opinions of those he doesnt trust and puts them
  at arms length and doesnt give them important
  assignments

49
The Introvert

• Characteristics
• Doesnt go out with the group
• Doesnt communicate
• Closes the office door
• Image
• Smart, but has poor communication skills, not
  management material

50
Party Animal

• Scenario
• While away on mission, Marks dark side begins to
  appear.
• The impact of late nights and a hang-over is
  evident when he comes late to breakfast
• Image
• Mark is seen as a player, whose priorities are
  likely not work-related as much as having his fun

51
Kiss-Up

• Characteristics
• Very close to one manager and one manager only
• Will do/say whatever it takes to make the manager
  happy
• Image
• Peers are weary of the kiss-up and know that
  anything said in their presence will be used
  against them to advance the kiss-ups own
  interests

52
Lost

• Characteristics
• Never really sure of what he or she wants
• Always asks for one thing but isnt happy when
  you do exactly what was asked
• Image
• Not really qualified technically to be in the
  position he is in, but he/she has somehow earned
  that position and everyone else suffers

Can you please get me a pencil?
What the hell is this?
53
Mr. Critical

• Characteristics
• Always is seeking and suggesting that there is
  something wrong with other peoples proposals or
  ideas
• Not necessarily offering better ideas, just
  constantly complaining that the ideas that are
  being suggested will not work

And, thats all we have for today
54
Mr. Know-It-All

• Characteristics
• Believes that he is more knowledgeable than
  everyone else, including his superiors
• Always has an answer for everything, although the
  answer may not always be relevant to the question

And, thats all we have for today
55
Transactional Analysis

• The 80/20 rule 80 percent of your success is in
  managing people and 20 percent relates to doing
  your job well
• If this is true, what is the level of okayness
  with your subordinates, peers, supervisors and
  most important clients?
• It is important to determine where you stand with
  the people working closest to you. With whom do
  you have gold stamps and with whom do you have
  gray stamps

56
Why Do Bad Managers Survive?
57
The Organization and Who Makes into Management

• One of the most important elements that impacts
  how transactional analysis influences behaviors
  in the workplace is which behaviors are rewarded
  and which behaviors are penalized by the
  organization and its management
• Different organizations have different management
  structures and reward mechanisms, and this can
  have a significant impact on who becomes a
  manager and who is simply unable or unwilling to
  make that leap
• Although company culture is widely-recognized
  as a key component of any organizations success
  or failure, it remains highly underrated when it
  comes to understanding what it takes to make it
  into the management stream and why so many in the
  upper echelons make it without the requisite
  technical or academic qualifications
• Company culture may also allow poor managers to
  thrive in certain instances and this relates in
  certain instances to how staff are conditioned

58
How Bad Managers SurviveUnderstanding Stockholm
Syndrome

• Psychology and human behavior manifest themselves
  most prominently in the most extreme of
  circumstances
• That is why we can learn a great deal from these
  instances and apply them to the workplace
• In 1973, a group of robbers held employees of a
  bank hostage for a short period of time in a farm
  house Stockholm, Sweden
• After being surrounded by police and barricading
  themselves with the hostages and making repeated
  threats to kill them, the criminals eventually
  found that they had no option other than to
  surrender
• What is remarkable about this case is that in
  this short period, the hostages began to
  sympathize strongly with their captorseventually
  refusing to testify against them and even coming
  together to raise money for their criminal defense

59
How Bad Managers SurviveUnderstanding Stockholm
Syndrome

• Although Stockholm Syndrome may seem unfathomable
  to many, there are numerous other examples of it
  manifesting itself, including two additional
  famous instances
• In the 1970s, millionaire heiress Patty Hearst
  was abducted by the Symbionese Liberation Army,
  before eventually joining their cause and
  participating in a robbery with them
• More recently, Jaycee Lee Dugard made headlines
  when she was rescued following 18 years in
  captivity. The catch, however, was that she had
  fathered two children from her captor and never
  attempted to escape despite the brutal nature of
  her kidnapping

60
Why Does Stockholm Syndrome Occur?

• There are multiple theories for why Stockholm
  Syndrome takes place, the most prominent being
• Psychological Cognitive dissonance tells us that
  people dont like to be unhappy for long periods
  of time, so if they are confined to a situation
  that they do not like, they find a way to like it
  (i.e. by bonding with their kidnappers) so that
  they do not remain unhappy
• Psychoanalytic This theory suggests that there
  is a psychological shift that occurs when the
  victims are exposed to certain acts of kindness
  from their captors. Although these acts may be
  self-serving, the exposure to them could lead the
  victims to believe that they stem from inherent
  kindness

61
How Does Stockholm Syndrome Manifest Itself in
the Workplace?

• Negative Reflex Conditioning This is when we
  actively work to eliminate the negative
  experiences we endure and replace them with
  positive and satisfying ones.
• For example, managers that promote innovation and
  seek feedback from their teams are ones that
  typically get the best results from their staff.
  This is because these individuals feel that they
  are incentivized to do excellent cutting edge
  work
• Meanwhile, managers that operate in a rigid
  environment where they simply seek from staff
  outputs that are 100 percent replicas of what
  they are thinking quickly alienate their
  subordinates. This is because it is difficult for
  staff to replicate exactly what their manager is
  thinking. Moreover, staff in these situations
  are typically working with the fear of getting
  something wrong rather than on focusing on
  delivering the best products

62
Negative Reflex Conditioning
63
Negative Reflex Conditioning
Another TTL spends most of her days working on
non business related items and takes on an ESW on
pensions in another country in the region
64
Mimicking Behaviors
65
Negative Reflex Conditioning How Poor Managers
Survive and Thrive

• Battered Wife Syndrome
• Mistreated wife
• Beaten / humiliated / discounted / unappreciated,
  no respect
• Children mimic behavior of father
• Wife doesnt leave
• Wife accepts the abuse
• Wife has nowhere else to go
• Wife never complains to family or friends
• I beat you and then I tell you I love you
  without ever saying it.
• Wife manages to survive

• Battered Employee Syndrome
• Mistreated employee
• Humiliated / discounted / no recognition, no
  respect
• Staff mimic behavior of manager
• Employee doesnt leave
• Employee accepts the abuse
• Employee has nowhere else to go
• Employee never complains to colleagues or more
  senior management
• Employee manages to survive

66
Negative/Positive Reflex Conditioning How Poor
Managers Survive and Thrive

• Stockholm Syndrome/Critical Parent
• Manager highly critical towards staff and very
  insecure
• Manager perceives his knowledge and ideas trumps
  others
• Thinking outside his box is tantamount to him
  perceiving the staff member as a fool and an
  idiot
• Manager treats select staff miserably yet no one
  formally complains
• Manager has a tendency to show the staff he is
  mistreating certain acts of kindness in,
  unanticipated promotions, salary increases
• Staff reaction is to be dumbfounded.
• I beat you and then I tell you I love you
  without ever saying it.
• The act of kindness keeps the staff member at bay
  with no negative feedback appearing written or
  verbal in the work place

• Stockholm Syndrome/Nurturing Parent
• Manager very kind nurturing parent with no
  relative experience in job to which he/she are
  assigned
• Manager is weak professionally and lacks job
  content and experience
• Manager shows continued kindness to all
• Promotions, recognition, salary increases the
  norm
• This is the managers form of conditioning.
• The acts of kindness keeps staff members at bay
  and his lack of technical savvy ceases to be an
  issue over time.

67
Reciprocity Positive Reflex Conditioning
You walk into a car dealership and youre
immediately greeted by the car salesman
A technically unqualified manager is appointed in
your office and remains friendly with his entire
staff
After buying you coffee and taking you around the
dealership, he cuts it short by telling you not
to buy anything today because prices will be
slashed within two weeks
Following a friendly one on one staff meeting, he
levels with you that youre the most
knowledgeable person about your technical
expertise and he doesnt believe in
micro-managingleaving you to fully manage
yourself
68
Reciprocity Positive Reflex Conditioning
You appreciate the advice hes given you and
decide to wait to buy the car
You appreciate the responsibility and trust hes
put in you, and go back to work
You and the car salesman get along very nicely
when you learn that you both have a common like
for motorcycles
You and your new boss start getting along
famously, you realize that he likes the same
soccer teams and shares a lot of your hobbies and
interests
69
Reciprocity Positive Reflex Conditioning
You begin to really like this sales guy and you
make it a point to buy the car from him convinced
that he gave you a huge discount
You start getting closer to the boss, you not
only do your work without his interference, you
start taking on some of his work too
He throws in some additional perks and free
options, and youre delighted as you drive away
in your new car
You get a promotion and a great SRI, and keep
taking on more responsibility
70
Reciprocity Positive Reflex Conditioning
When the customer satisfaction survey comes
around, you give the salesman the highest ratings
possible
When the managers feedback form comes around,
you give your boss a glowing recommendationas do
most others in the department
Because you befriended the salesman, and you
actually believe he did you a favor on the price
of the car, you feel you owe him. You owe him
great feedback, and you owe him an opportunity to
sell you another car down the line
Because you see your manager as a friend, even
a mentor, and because you are getting rewarded
for what you do, you begin to black out the
flaws this manager brings to the table, technical
or other
AND IT HAPPENS REPEATEDLY AND THE CYCLE CONTINUES!
71
Transactional Analysis

• Back to the 80/20 rule This rule also says that
  your job environment is functional when 80
  percent of your relationships at work are based
  on the I am OK your OK principle
• If the opposite is the case than your job is
  dysfunctional
• Most of us are somewhere in between.
• You can still have a lot of not OK situations
  at work and still be effective it just wont be
  fun.

72
Transactional Analysis

• Keep in mind that the 80/20 rule can still be in
  your favor but you could still have major
  problems.
• Why? Because having an I am not OK your not OK
  relationship with your driver in Bosnia is less
  relevant having this relationship with your
  boss is relevant
• Keep this in mind for your home situation as well

73
Transactional Analysis

• To understand why some of your relationships work
  and others dont you need to assess your own
  behavior and that of others.
• Which mode are you in the most, parent, adult,
  child?
• Which mode are your subordinates and peers in?
• Which mode is your boss in?

74
Transactional Analysis

• Understanding your relationships with others
  relates to gold stamps and gray stamps
• Whether we like it or not we accrue gold stamps
  for situations we handle well and gray stamps for
  situations we handle badly
• This is what defines our okayness with other
  people
• For some one gray stamp is enough to put you in
  the category of I am OK your not OK
• For others a ton of gold stamps may not do much
  at all

75
How to Minimize Conflict
Realize that it takes two to generate conflict
Conflict is indeed a choice
Always avoid being a third party in any conflict
Turn on your adult ego state in critical
situations
Its always ok to play nurturing parent until
other person is ready to stand on his own feet
Separate the person from the act Do not
criticize personality
If you find yourself in front of a critical
parent, realize that there is no need to defend
yourself if you are not the cause of his/her
problem but merely an opportunity to find relief
from pressure
Always try and move the person out of an ego
state that is damaging
76
How to Manage Conflict
Refuse to participate
Keep changing your ego states until you find what
works
Manage your own critical parent reactions
Manage transference by reaching out to others
Never present yourself as a victim
Manage your relationships more broadly
Avoid linking yourself to a camp, never be in us
against them mode
Survive, change is always around the corner
76
77
Basic Guides Which Can Help You in Working With
People
Cooperation cannot be forced
You communicate more through action than words
Sentiment and emotion count
Everyone likes to feel important and avoid
ignoring someone whenever possible
Everyone wants to know that they matter
Dont forget to show appreciation consistently
78
A Few Final Words of Wisdom
The definition of being wise is when you have
something stupid to say dont say it
One nice thing about people with big egos is they
dont talk about other people
The person with the least expertise has the most
opinions
If you tell the truth, you dont have to remember
anything
Just because everything is different doesnt mean
anything has changed
Good judgment comes from bad experience,
experience comes from bad judgment
Anyone can admit that they were wrong the true
test is admitting it to someone else
When things go wrong, dont go with them
79
Closing Thoughts

• Finally, remember there are situations that cant
  be fixed, just too many black stamps, or office
  jealousies.
• Sometimes no matter how much it hurts, how much
  you care for a job, its just over and you need
  to walk away
• Always try and move forward, and try and make the
  best from a bad situation and learn from it
• Its OK to simply survive and to move forward
  from a bad situation

80
Review of Buzz Words(But They Can Also Be Tools
for Better Understanding)

• GAMES
• NIGYSOB
• AINT IT AWFUL
• KICK ME
• RAPO
• UPROAR
• STUPID
• (WHAT OTHERS
• CAN YOU NAME?)

• COLLECTING STAMPS
• GOLD STAMPS
• GRAY STAMPS

PARENT ADULT EGO STATES CHILD

• PAYOFF
• CONSCIOUS
• UNCONSCIOUS

CRITICAL PARENT NURTURING PARENT NATURAL
CHILD ADAPTED CHILD

• ROLES
• VICTIM
• RESCUER
• PERSECUTOR

• STROKES
• POSITIVE
• NEGATIVE
• CONDITIONAL

• TRANSACTIONS
• COMPLEMENTARY
• CROSSED
• ULTERIOR

PARENT TAPE CHILD TAPE
BASIC LIFE POSITION