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Love Them Don’t Indulge Them

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Love Them Don t Indulge Them Knowing the Difference Indulgence Defined An inability to resist the gratification of whims and desires A disposition to yield to the ... – PowerPoint PPT presentation

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Title: Love Them Don’t Indulge Them


1
Love ThemDont Indulge Them
  • Knowing the Difference

2
Indulgence Defined
  • An inability to resist the gratification of whims
    and desires
  • A disposition to yield to the wishes of someone
  • Gratifying a desire
  • Lenience
  • Pampering

3
Overindulgence Defined
  • There are two definitions. Both include no
    mentoring of children.
  • The first definition requires access to finances
    via wealth or false-wealth (credit card debt).
    Parents give to their children, which is a
    replacement for mentoring of children. Their
    severe overindulgences are a replacement for
    parenting.

4
Overindulgence Defined
  • The second definition requires no finances.
    Parents, without wealth or false wealth, give
    their children too much permission too soon.
    Therefore, their children are not prepared to
    manage life, as the complications of life come
    too soon.

5
Examples
6
Conscience Deficit Due to Overindulgence
  • Natural, but painful emotions
  • Causes child to apply good cognition
  • Which creates internal guidance
  • Then in turn feeds the conscience
  • James 12-5 Purpose of Pain

7
Childrens Reactions
  • Over-Dependency overindulged children usually
    become excessively dependent on their parents and
    others
  • Anger and Resentment Anger becomes associated
    with childrens overdependence on parents. For
    some children, this may lead to opposition and
    conduct disorder.

8
Childrens Reactions
  • Loss of Interdependency Interdependency is
    defined as taking care of oneself with the
    balance of being concerned for others. A symptom
    of conduct disorders and certain personality
    disorders is a lack of interdependency (It is all
    about me with no concern for others).
  • Loss of Self-Reliance Many overindulged
    children do not gradually learn the skills
    necessary to eventually stand on their own two
    feet.

9
Childrens Reactions
  • Inflated Sense of Self Overindulgent children
    often hear very positive comments about
    themselves from their parents. Their parents
    often do not offer constructive criticism about
    real flaws. This results in overindulged children
    not managing constructive criticism form other
    well-intended adults (e.g. teachers, principals,
    grandparents, future bosses, etc.).
  • Emotional Distance Overindulged children tend
    to create emotional distance with parents more
    severely than normal.

10
Childrens Reactions
  • Loss of Age Appropriate Skills Since everything
    is corrected for them and done for them,
    overindulged children do not learn basic age
    appropriate skills
  • Learn Conditional Love Overindulged children
    often times do not experience unconditional love
    as they are never wrong.

11
Research Insights
  • Early Writings
  • Symptoms Associated with Overindulged Children
  • Becoming an Overindulged Adult
  • Myths
  • Miscellaneous but Important Research

12
Insights Early Research
  • Baumrind was one of the first writers/researchers
    that described permissive parents. He described
    permissive parents as highly responsive to their
    children with low expectations. Permissive
    parents were nurturing, but offered freedom to
    the children to make choices with little guidance
    and little control.
  • It produced a charming sociopath.
  • Baumrind, D. Effects of Authoritative Parental
    Control of Child Behavior, Child Development,
    (1996), 37, 887-907

13
Insights Early Research
  • Dr. Nelms found that parents, who are ambivalent
    and confused about parenting, could not
    differentiate between nurturing behavior and
    overindulgence.
  • Love overindulgence blended together.
  • Nelms, B. C. Attachment vs. Spoiling, Pediatric
    Nursing, 1983, 49-51

14
Insights Early Research
  • Dr. Swain termed the phrase Spoiled Child
    Syndrome which is the transfer of power from
    parents to children via overindulgence.
  • Swain, D. W. The Spoiled Child Syndrome, Changing
    Family Conference XIV proceedings, Iowa City,
    Iowa 1985, 67-71

15
Insights - Symptoms
  • Dr. McIntosh offered symptoms related to Spoiled
    Child Syndrome
  • Excessive self-centeredness
  • Immature behavior
  • Parent unwilling to enforce age-appropriate
    rules.
  • Excessive lack of consideration of others
  • Entitlement
  • Temper outbursts
  • Manipulative
  • McIntosh, B.J. Spoiled Child Syndrome,
    Psychological Bulletin, 1993, 69-79

16
Insights - Symptoms
  • It was found that permissive parenting was
    associated with children who had
  • Lack of self-esteem
  • Lower cognition
  • Lower levels of individuation
  • Lower levels of social consciousness
  • Lower levels of autonomy
  • External locus of control
  • Obnoxious attitude
  • Ill-tempered behavior
  • Parents not enforcing age-appropriate limits
  • These researchers offered an excellent review and
    summary of the existing research including
    Coopersmith, 1967, Baumrind, 1983 and 1991 Buri
    Louiselle, MIsukanis, and Mueller 1988).
  • Bredehoft, D.J. et al Perceptions Attributed by
    Adults to Parental Overindulgence During
    Children, 1998, (16)

17
Insights - Symptoms
  • Six outcomes of Overindulgence
  • Entitlement, not feeling responsible for actions
  • Missing skills social skills telling time
  • Not knowing what is enough balance
  • Boundary difficulties little consequences for
    breaking rules
  • Emotional pain isolated and loneliness
  • Increase in affairs after married
  • Clark and Dawson (1998) on the issue of Cultural
    Myths and Overindulged Children 730 people
    surveyed with 124 responding that they were
    overindulged as children.

18
Insights - Symptoms
  • Dr. Kindlon describes the Seven Deadly Syndromes
    associated with overindulgence
  • Self-centeredness
  • Anger
  • Extreme ambition
  • Lack of motivation
  • Eating disorders
  • Impulsiveness
  • Spoiled behavior
  • Kindlon, Dan, Too Much of a Good Thing Raising
    Children of Character in an Indulgent Age

19
Insights - Symptoms
  • Anger ? Resentment ? Hatred
  • Resentment Cancer of Love
  • Indifference I dont care.

20
Insights - Symptoms
  • No one typology for overindulgent families.
  • Children raised with overindulgence
  • Felt unlovable
  • Need constant affirmation
  • Lack skills
  • Lack self-sufficiency
  • Adolescent dysfunctional thinking
  • Bredehoft, D. J. et al Indulge Them Less, Enjoy
    Them More Finding a Balance Between Giving More
    and Saying No to Your Children, Technical
    Appendix Journal Articles

21
Insights - Symptoms
  • Parental permissiveness significantly predicted
    high psychological symptoms in 500 adolescents.
    Parental warmth reduced symptoms, but would later
    increase symptoms if parental warmth lead to
    increased permissiveness.
  • Koeske, G.F., Journal of Social Service
    Research (1998)

22
Insights Becoming an Overindulged Adult
  • These researchers studied adult-children of
    overindulgence (ACO) and found
  • 27 indicated physical violence was in their
    childhood homes. Of the 27 with physical
    violence in the childhood homes
  • 30 were spanked
  • 50 were hit with belts and objects
  • 20 were beaten

23
Insights Becoming an Overindulged Adult
  • 51 had addictions in their families. Of that
    51
  • 66 drugs
  • 10 work
  • 9 food
  • 2 perfectionism
  • 2 co-dependency
  • 2 sex
  • Percentages of overindulgence continue into
    adolescence and adult-life
  • 39 report overindulgence through adolescence
  • 9 through adult-life
  • 9 through later life
  • 22 report being overindulged still today and
    throughout life

24
Insights Becoming an Overindulged Adult
  • The methods of overindulgence were
  • 53 having things done for them
  • 53 no consistent chores
  • 41 being given clothes
  • 35 being allowed privileges
  • 35 being given toys
  • Reasons for overindulgence
  • Poverty
  • Guilt
  • Chemical Dependency
  • Workaholic

25
Insights Becoming an Overindulged Adult
  • Mixed Concerns overindulged children when they
    become adults
  • 48 felt love
  • 44 felt confused
  • 31 felt guilty
  • 71 could not gauge how much is enough food,
    spending, parent/childrearing, activities,
    feelings of what is normal, and conflict in
    boundaries and relationship

26
Insights Becoming an Overindulged Adult
  • Mixed Concerns overindulged children when they
    become adults (contd)
  • They had poor skills as an adult in
  • Communication and relationships
  • Mental and personal healthy skills
  • Decision-making
  • Money and time management
  • Ability to be responsible
  • Overindulgence of their own children
  • Bredehoft, D.J. et al Perceptions Attributed by
    Adults to Parental Overindulgence During
    Childhood, 1988, (16)

27
Insights - Myths
  • Netherlands researcher who debunks the myth that
    only children are more indulged than others and
    flourish less results indicate
  • Only children had equal life satisfaction to
    other children. They had slightly more life
    satisfaction.
  • Parental status had little influence on
    well-being.
  • Parents of only children are more likely to do
    work outside of the home. This offered somewhat
    greater satisfaction to only children.
  • No lower self-esteem. They had somewhat more
    self-esteem
  • Only children do not assign higher value to good
    grades, popularity, and looks.
  • They do have lower value of sports.
  • They do not see them having better status or
    reputation at school.
  • Veehoven, Ruut et al, The Well Being of the Only
    Child, Adolescence, 1989 (24) 155-166

28
Insights - Myths
  • Studied issues for the only child and found
  • Only children had greater achievement and
    intelligence.
  • They had positive self esteem and sociability.
  • Parents and teacher continued to harbor the same
    old stereotypes about only children.
  • Teachers saw them as more attention-seeking, more
    mature, intelligent and less social skills as
    peers.
  • Parents saw them as less social, greater need for
    attention, shortage of playmates, greater
    maturity and higher lifestyles.
  • Rivera, M. et all, Spoiled or Spectacular? A Look
    at the Only Child Elementary and Childhood
    Education, 15 - ERIC

29
Insights - Myths
  • Most indulged children had 2 or more siblings.
    They were not only children.
  • Debunked the myth that Grandparents are the
    over-indulgers.
  • Parents were over-indulgers in 96 of the homes.
  • Both parents in 43 of homes
  • Mom alone in 42 of homes
  • Dad alone in 11 of homes
  • 21 overindulged in childhood
  • 38 overindulged in adolescence
  • 22 throughout life
  • 19 reported physical abuse
  • 70 reported psychological abuse
  • 14 reported sexual abuse
  • Very few had chores
  • They had poor social skills

30
Insights Misc Research
  • The researchers define three categories of
    overindulgence
  • Too Much Stuff Materialism and activities
  • Over-nurturing Too much assistance reducing
    self-reliance
  • Soft Structure Lax rules, no chores, aimless
  • Bredeholt, David et al. No Rules, Not Enforcing
    Rules, No Chores Plus Lots of Freedom
    Overindulgence Too

31
Insights Misc Research
  • The researchers identified a typology to
    parenting with children younger than 5 years.
    Ethnicity, educational level and income were
    significant.
  • Type 1 56 of parents did not believe it was
    possible to indulge a child for the first five
    years of its life. These parents were more
    likely to be Caucasian with higher education and
    incomes.
  • Type 2 20 of parents did believe spoiling a
    child, younger than five years, was possible.
  • Type 3 24 of parents believed young children
    could be spoiled, but should not be spoiled.
    These parents were more likely African-American
    parents with lower education and lower income.
  • Solomon, R et al. Spoiling an Infant Further
    Support for the Construct, Topics in Early
    Childhood Special Education, 1993, 13(2), 175-183

32
Insights Misc Research
  • This writer coined an interesting phrase and
    idea. She suggests that some children with
    Attention Deficit Disorder actually have
    Intention Deficit Disorder. These children have
    adjusted so completely to being catered to and
    entertained that they find school boring, fueling
    their attention problems.
  • Hage, Deborah, The Makings of a Human Bomb
    Breaks in the Bond Coupled with Overindulgence

33
Insights Misc Research
  • Inadequate parental monitoring of childrens
    behavior is a major contribution to noncompliance
    and aggression in children, as well as antisocial
    behaviors.
  • Barkley, Russell, Defiant Children

34
Insights Misc Research
  • Reports parental permissiveness as a more
    important factor for children using chemicals
    than peer pressure.
  • Wilmes, David, Johnson Institute

35
Insights Misc Research
  • Studied parenting styles, gender, types of
    household tasks.
  • Best predictor of young adult success was
    participating in household tasks by 3 and 4 years
    old.
  • If introduced to household tasks at 15 and 16
    years, these subjects were less successful.
  • Rossman, Marty, Researcher/Associate Professor of
    Family Education

36
Insights Misc Research
  • High-risk factors leading to attachment
    difficulties included parents retaining
    unrealistic images of the child and overindulgent
    parenting.
  • Smith, Lawrence, Bonding and Attachment,
    Washington Parent Magazine

37
9 Types of Overindulgent Parents
  • The Giving Parent
  • The Reminder Parent
  • The Blinders Parent
  • The Glorifying Parent
  • The Permissive Parent
  • The Favoritism Parent
  • The Blaming Parent
  • The Overly-Responsible Parent
  • The Ultimately Responsible Parent

38
Qualities of a Good Parent
  • Many of the qualities of the overindulgent parent
    are good qualities.
  • The problem is that the overindulgent parent
    focuses on one quality instead of working on
    multiple qualities.
  • Too much of a good thing can be bad.

39
The Giving Parent
  • Compulsively gives-in to every whim of their
    child.
  • The giving parent is a giver, which is a
    wonderful quality. This quality becomes distorted
    when parents only give and never become a
    multidimensional parent.

40
Stinkin Thinkin behind Giving Parent
  • Repairing childhood issues with vicarious
  • I will give my child what I didnt have.
  • Parenting self not child
  • Reacting to an abusive childhood
  • Overcompensation for feelings of inadequacy.
  • Excessive guilt proneness

41
The Reminder Parent
  • Harboring fears of confrontation.
  • Reminder parents have the beautiful quality of
    encouragement constantly reminding and
    encouraging children to behave. But reminder
    parents offer too many warnings and never
    discipline their children.

42
Stinkin Thinkin behind Reminder Parent
  • Fear of rejection.
  • You cannot be their buddy til they are adults.
  • Children need discipline.
  • Parents are legally responsible.
  • Fear of confrontation and a lack of
    assertiveness.
  • Intense cognitive distortion of all or none
    thinking.
  • If my child needs discipline then I am a bad
    parent.
  • Laissez-Faire Parenting Style

43
The Blinders Parent
  • Filled with the cognitive distortion of
    All-or-None thinking.
  • Blinders parents have the incredible quality of
    accurately recognizing the good in their
    children. They appropriately praise their
    children. This admirable quality becomes
    distorted because they ignore the flaws their
    children need to correct.
  • In reality the Blinders parent is actively
    rejecting child, they are editing out the bad
    parts.

44
Stinkin Thinkin behind Blinders Parent
  • All-or-none thinking
  • If I ignore the problem they dont exist
  • Labeling
  • Blame someone else projection of blame
  • Labeling with projection of blame
  • Always someone else's fault
  • Shopping for label (e.g. ADHD, ADD, etc.)
  • Narcissistic reactions
  • MY child

45
Stinkin Thinkin behind Blinders Parent
  • Severe competitive needs
  • One upmanship by comparing
  • Symbiotic self-esteem
  • If my child has problems, I have problems as
    well.
  • Psychological rigidity
  • I dont like change. Easier to edit it out.

46
The Glorifying Parent
  • Transferred narcissism with the cognitive
    distortion of exaggeration
  • Glorifying parents have the wonderful quality of
    complimenting their children. Glorifying
    parents are similar to Blinders parents, as
    they ignore their childrens flaws.
  • Glorifying and Blinders parents have one
    basic difference. Blinders parents have an
    accurate understanding of their childrens
    talents.

47
The Glorifying Parent
  • Glorifying parents exaggerate their childrens
    positive characteristics. They see incredible
    qualities their children do not really have.
  • Since Glorifying parents exaggerate their
    childrens positive qualities and ignore their
    flaws, they completely reject their child.

48
Stinkin Thinkin behind Glorifying Parent
  • Symbiotic Overcompensation
  • Some parents have a mundane life with a strong
    desire to glorify a part of their life. Children
    are handy targets for their glorification.
  • Vicarious life lived through children.
  • Triangulation
  • One parent glorifies the children and the other
    has a more realistic perception of their
    children. The glorifying parent seems to the
    children to be the better parent. The realistic
    parent is viewed as too restrictive and critical.
  • Minimizing
  • Make uncomfortable and flaws less than they
    really are.

49
The Permissive Parent
  • The permissive parent has the incredible
    quality of trust. They distort their trust by
    giving their children too much freedom, too soon,
    and too young. Their children are allowed to get
    into activities for which they are not mentally
    prepared.

50
Stinkin Thinkin behind Permissive Parent
  • Parenting Role Confusion The buddy problem
  • Fear of Appropriate Confrontation
  • Afraid that confrontation will jeopardize the
    relationship.

51
The Favoritism Parent
  • Symbiotic preference of one child
  • Favoritism parents have the excellent qualities
    of preference and discrimination. They distort
    these qualities by preferring one of their
    children to the neglect of the others. The
    non-favored children become angry, usually with
    the favored child.
  • Tendency to overindulge one and neglect the other
    children.

52
Stinkin Thinkin behind Giving Parent
  • Over-identification
  • Ex a shy parent may prefer a shy child or, a shy
    parent may prefer a socially gregarious child.
  • Symbiotic Vulnerability
  • The child with an actual vulnerability may gain
    most favored status.
  • Emotional Neediness
  • Replaying Childhood Issues

53
The Blaming Parent
  • Scapegoating Innocent Others
  • All-or-None Thinking
  • Blaming parents have the important quality of
    protecting their children. They believe they are
    protecting their childrens self-esteem by always
    blaming others for their childrens misbehavior.
  • Ex If a teacher has a conflict with a child, the
    blaming parent immediately sides with the child
    and blames the teacher.

54
Stinkin Thinkin behind Blaming Parent
  • Rigidity against change with avoidance of
    personal responsibility.
  • Narcissism coupled with all-or-none thinking.
  • Someone elses fault not mine!

55
The Overly-Responsible Parent
  • Tendency to be Shame and Guilt filled and
    self-blaming.
  • Like blaming parents, overly-responsible
    parents also offer the quality of protection.
    Overly-responsible parents do not blame others
    for their childrens misbehavior. Instead, they
    blame themselves.

56
Stinkin Thinkin behind Overly-Responsible
Parent
  • They tend to have been the scapegoats in their
    families of origin.
  • Transference from scapegoat in family of origin
    to current family.
  • Psychological Rigidity
  • Resistant to change. It is easier to say, It is
    my fault than to make the necessary changes.
  • False sense of empowerment
  • Some overly-responsible parents believe, If I
    take responsibility, I am helping my child. They
    witness that their child feels relief when
    parents take the blame.
  • Overindulge to compensate for abuse.

57
The Ultimately Responsible Parent
  • Explosive Personality with Delayed Guilt
    Reactions
  • Ultimately responsible parents explode with
    anger at their children. They rage at their
    children and then, take it all back by blaming
    themselves. This creates confused children who
    become tense when discussing any family issues
    that might ignite emotions.

58
Stinkin Thinkin behind Ultimately Responsible
Parent
  • Extreme passivity with simmering rage
  • Legitimate, but unmanaged anger

59
The Generalized Stinkin Thinkin of
Overindulgent Parents
  • The overindulgent concept lends itself well to
    the Cognitive-Behavioral Theory. Many
    overindulgent parents share various combinations
    of the following cognitive distortions. This
    section is designed to help counselors/therapists
    diagnose the cognitive distortions of
    overindulgent parents.

60
Overindulgent Belief 1
  • The All-or-None Thinking of Constant Happiness
  • Over indulgent parents believe that to create
    self-esteem within their children, their children
    need to be constantly happy. So, they maintain
    the two following cognitive distortions
  • They believe their children should be constantly
    happy
  • They believe their children should never
    experience uncomfortable emotions, including
    uncomfortable emotions that naturally come with
    life.
  • Movie Jingle All the Way

61
Overindulgent Belief 2
  • Overindulgent parents believe that unconditional
    love means children should receive whatever they
    want and do whatever they want. They offer
    children free reigns with no boundary
    development. They create children that will ask
    for anything.
  • Parents who embrace this overindulgent belief,
    have two concerns
  • They have difficult saying No to their
    children. They see themselves as good parents by
    how many times they say Yes to children. They
    believe that being a good parent includes buying,
    giving, leniency, entertaining, and having low
    expectations of their children.
  • Parents, who define unconditional love as
    giving luxuries and freedoms, have difficulty
    distinguishing between their childrens wants
    (desire for luxuries) and their needs (legitimate
    desire to love, affection, honesty, etc.)

62
Overindulgent Belief 3
  • Shielded From Consequences
  • Overindulgent parents shield their children from
    the consequences of their childrens actions, as
    well as the complications of life.
  • Parents, who embrace this overindulgent belief,
    have two areas of concern
  • Overindulgent parents do not understand the
    concept of harms way By removing child from
    harms way they move them into harms way.
  • Overindulgent parents believe their children
    should never experience any painful emotions.
    They believe that consequences produce painful
    emotions in children. So, they buffer their
    children from natural and normal consequences to
    keep their children happy.

63
Overindulgent Belief 4
  • Sting-Free Discipline
  • Overindulgent parents either offer no discipline
    or start to discipline their children, but they
    take the emotional sting out of their
    discipline. The emotional sting promotes the
    learning experience.
  • Why does discipline need to have an emotional
    sting? What is the emotional sting?
  • Emotional stings change behavior and cognitions.

64
Overindulgent Belief 5
  • Highest Priority Leading to Decision-Making
  • Overindulgent parents believe their children are
    the highest priority in their families.
  • Child-centered vs Marriage Centered Families
  • This leads parents to give their children the
    decision-making power of their families.

65
Overindulgent Belief 6
  • Wishy-Washy Decisions
  • Overindulgent parents have difficulty making firm
    decisions. They are filled with ambivalence and
    confusion.
  • All decisions become negotiable, creating little
    attorneys.
  • Children dont have cognitive ability to
    negotiate.
  • If parents negotiate with child, as a teen they
    have learned to wear down parents.

66
Overindulgent Belief 7
  • Too Trusting
  • Editing Reality
  • Some parents are too trusting, because they want
    to believe that they are good parents. To confirm
    this belief they decide, My children are right
    and everyone else is wrong. This is a
    complicated distortion that requires the
    cognitive distortion if editing reality.
  • These parents edit information from reliable
    sources (teachers, friends, counselors) that are
    inconsistent with their glorified beliefs of
    their children.

67
Overindulgent Belief 8
  • I Will Correct My Parents Mistakes
  • Overindulgent parents believe their parents
    raised them improperly. It is the longing of
    these parents to correct their parents mistakes
    by becoming perfect parents.
  • An example of abuse.

68
Overindulgent Belief 9
  • Who Am I and Where Am I Identity Issues
  • Identity Constriction
  • Some parents limit their identities to their
    careers, which are demanding and lessen the time
    needed to be active in other parts of their
    lives.
  • Vicarious Identity
  • Other overindulgent parents define their
    identities only by their childrens current level
    of happiness, which they vicariously enjoy.
  • Identity of parent is dependent on childs
    happiness.

69
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • This section offers the goals of cognitively
    restructuring parents from their cognitive
    distortions of over-indulgence into mentoring
    parents. We need to help overindulgent parents
    develop the mindset of the mentoring parents. The
    list to follow is the framework reflecting the
    ten qualities of mentoring parents.

70
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • Quality One Increase Time Spent with Children,
    to Mentor More Thoroughly
  • Quality one fights the cognitive distortion of
    quality versus quantity. Being a mentoring parent
    requires quality time and a good quantity of
    time.
  • Quality Two Mentoring Parents Promote Truth and
    Reality, which is the cure for cognitive
    distortions.
  • Quality two fights cognitive distortions. If
    families are managing the truth, they are less
    likely to promote cognitive distortions.
  • Content Messages Versus Hidden Messages

71
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • What does the research say about children managin
    the truth of traumatic family issues?
  • 1991 Breen C.T. et al Journal of American
    Academy of child and Adolescent Psychiatry
  • Younger children do not develop as many
    behavioral problems, aggression and fears
  • Younger children may be protected by their
    inability to fully understand the traumatic
    scenes they witnessed
  • Teenagers are more affected by their parents
    reaction that are primary school age siblings.
    They share a more adult perspective of trauma and
    have a reaction that are more adult.

72
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • Quality Three Promote Unique Talents and Skills
  • Mentoring parents want their children to acquire
    their unique talents.
  • Quality three reduces the transfer of parent
    issues into children issues.
  • Quality Four Unconditional Love
  • Mentoring parents strive to offer children
    unconditional love. Mentoring parents do not
    define unconditional love as children getting and
    doing whatever they want. They understand that
    unconditional love allows children to experience
    firm consequences for their misbehavior.
    Mentoring parents realize that consequences help
    children create self-guidance.
  • Quality four relieves parents from the cognitive
    distortion that unconditional love equals
    permissiveness.
  • Dennis Rodman Syndrome

73
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • Quality Five Normal Emotions are Healthy
    Emotions
  • Mentoring parents realize that children need the
    freedom to feel all emotions, even painful
    emotions that are a natural part of life. Normal
    emotions are healthy emotions and, with good
    cognition, have messages. These messages
    contribute to childrens self-guidance,
    self-reliance and conscience development.
  • Quality five reduces children being left with
    their own devices to understand the intense
    emotions that come with the difficult parts of
    life.

74
4 Common Emotions Their Purpose
  • Anguish connected to memory and love loss
  • The Task to work that memory
  • Pining I want it back the way it was, not
    accepting the person as they are i.e. a child
    asking a relative or other to be like lost/dead
    Mo Replacement Cant get the lost back
  • The Task Make adjustments based on truth

75
4 Common Emotions Their Purpose
  • Anger signal that there is more primary emotions
    to deal with
  • The Task Deal with primary emotion, they feel
    empowered not angry
  • Betrayal
  • The Task Purpose of betrayal is to figure out
    who is trustable and who is not.

76
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • Quality Six Wants versus Needs
  • Mentoring parents know the difference between
    wants and needs.
  • Wants Luxuries
  • Needs Preserve life and promote relationships
  • Quality Seven The Past, the Present, and the
    Potential Future
  • The past does not control mentoring parents with
    cognitive distortions. They recognize and
    understand the past. They also understand where
    they are today, how their past influences their
    present life, and their direction into their
    future.
  • Quality seven promotes identity development.
    Without identity development, parents have no
    reference to guide their children.
  • Transference of anger from parents own parents
  • Cognitive distortion of fairness

77
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • Quality Eight Realistic Understanding of
    Strengths and Limits
  • Mentoring parents realize that having strengths
    and limits is a normal human condition. They have
    a realistic appraisal of their own personal
    strengths and limits. They give their children a
    realistic and hopeful appraisal of their
    strengths and limits.
  • Quality eight cleans up cognitive distortions
    with appraisal of skills that are based on
    reality.
  • For example, mentoring parents do not apply
    distorted labels to their children, such as
    gifted. They realize this is a set-up.

78
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • Quality Nine Respect for All
  • Mentoring parents promotes respect for all
    groups.
  • Quality nine eliminates self-centeredness and
    prejudicial beliefs against groups of people.
  • They encourage children to respect all groups.
  • Mentoring parents are opinionated.
  • Their opinions reflect their identity.
  • Mentoring parents passionately discuss, debate
    and disagree with hot controversial topics, but
    also offer respect.

79
10 Qualities of a Mentoring Parent
  • Quality Ten Values
  • Mentoring parents have well-defined values and
    practice their values daily.
  • Values eliminate inconsistencies within parents
    at all levels.

80
Parents/Counselors Roles Regarding Values
  • Basic Values (Essential)
  • Help develop conscience
  • Stabilize relationships
  • Keeps people out of prison
  • Selective Values (Nonessential)
  • Based on your own identity, beliefs, family, etc
  • Parents Counselors Roles in Values
  • Parents have the right to enforce basic values
  • Counselor has a right to discuss basic values.
  • Parents influence selective values
  • Counselor has no role in counselees selective
    values

81
General Strategies for Overindulgent Parents
  • Do not soothe childrens painful emotions with
    toys and luxuries.
  • Counter childrens manipulation with indignation
    to reduce parental guilt reactions.
  • Parenting is not a popularity contest You are
    not a buddy! Buddies do not discipline buddies.
  • No means No Not No ? Maybe ? Yes
  • Let the emotional sting of discipline happen
    the emotional sting has a lesson. The reality of
    life.
  • Keep your better judgment I know I shouldnt
    have.. Stop the unhealthy sway of emotions.
  • Talk about controversial issues, first with your
    friend and then your children.
  • Never criticize your childrens opinion. (Basic
    vs Selective Values)
  • More than discipline, guide children to make
    amends.
  • Help children manage difficult emotional times.

82
General Strategies for Overindulgent Parents
  • Get a children's dictionary and look up all of
    the words of emotions. This gives parents better
    dialogue with their children.
  • Attach good thinking to childrens emotions.
  • Use emotional words in everyday language.
  • Overindulgence is an impulsive act. So, slowly
    contemplate how to respond to childrens
    misbehavior, guilt trips, etc.
  • One television per household creates better
    family gathering.
  • No television or internet in childrens bedroom
    Put them in the community part of the house.

83
General Strategies for Overindulgent Parents
  • Family hobbies. Plan structured activities.
  • Gain more time with children.
  • Eliminate debt It competes with children.
  • Dont keep secrets secrets create distrust.
  • One warning, then discipline
  • Rituals of investment they teach children how
    to invest in family and school
  • Stop children when they interrupt adults

84
General Strategies for Overindulgent Parents
  • Make children pay money for discipline
  • Advise parents that overindulgence creates
    avoidance attachments
  • Luxuries for birthdays, holidays, graduations
    only!
  • Watch the attorney talk
  • Do a round up when children monster-build their
    teachers
  • Forewarn children about labels

85
General Strategies for Overindulgent Parents
  • Self-appraisal
  • Just the facts Teach parents that if the
    exaggerated about their children, they are not
    accepting their children.
  • Make them work!
  • Need the truth 100 questions
  • Teach parents that overindulgence disrupt
    emotional bounding with children
  • Stuff gets in the way of relationships
  • Create a secure base a safe atmosphere for
    emotional expression

86
General Strategies for Overindulgent Parents
  • Reflect on times when you have entered itno
    overindulgent states with your children.
  • Are there particular interaction with your
    children that bring you to overindulge them?
  • Advise parents that setting limits and saying
    No creates balance within children.
  • Tell parents that if they lose it, apologize.
    But, do not give children luxuries and freedoms
    to compensate for their meltdown.
  • Promote values that offer interdependency
    spiritually, volunteerism, altruism, and
    education
  • Warn parents that when they change, their
    childrens behavior will get worse before it gets
    better.

87
General Strategies for Overindulgent Parents
  • Tell parents to make their childrens problem
    their childrens problem. School Whose problem
    is it?
  • Overindulge children are too comfortable. They
    need to become uncomfortable before they will
    change. Advise parents to strip their childrens
    bedrooms. Remove the cocoon.
  • Let children feel the discomfort of lifes
    struggles. Mentoring them to become wise about
    lifes struggles.
  • When their children press parents and they are
    not sure what to say, tell parents to say,
    Thats a thought! While their children are
    looking perplexed, parents can begin thinking of
    how children can earn what they want.
  • Remind parents that mentoring parent is not
    trying to restrict children. They want their
    children to get everything they want in life. But
    they need to learn how to earn it.
  • Compounding. Make it worse compound the problem.

88
Counseling Model
  • Presuppositional Cognitive-Behavioral Counseling
    Model
  • 4 Components
  • Presuppositions
  • Cognitive Distortions
  • Secondary Gains
  • The Belief of an Illogical Outcome

89
Resources
  • Cloud, Henry (2001) Boundaries with Kids
  • Glenn, H. Stephen et all (2000) Raising
    Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World
    Seven Building Blocks for Developing Capable
    Young People
  • Heegaard, Marge (2001) Drawing Together to
    Develop Self-Control
  • Kindlon, Don (2001) Too Much of a Good Thing
    Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent
    Age
  • Mogel, Wendy (2001) The Blessing of a Skinned
    Knee Using Jewish Teachings to Raise
    Self-Reliant Children
  • Peine, Doug (2002) Its Not That Complicated The
    Twelve Rules for Raising Happy, Self-Reliant
    Children
  • Weiner, Daniel (1972) Training Children in
    Self-Discipline and Self-Control Or How to be
    Good Parents and Teachers Without at all Times
    Pleasing, Indulging, or Giving Love
  • www.overindulgence.info
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