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Title: Earthsoft Foundation of Guidance presents Assertiveness

Personality Development Assertiveness way to be
  • Objective
  • Behavior skills
  • Definition
  • Types
  • Importance
  • Rules
  • Rights responsibilities
  • To do
  • - Tools, Techniques TIPS
  • Test your assertiveness
  • Practice
  • Demonstration
  • Develop
  • Quize
  • Summary

  • By the end of this course, participants will
  • What is assertive behavior
  • To distinguish assertive behavior
  • To be aware of the situations in which they find
    it difficult to be assertive
  • To know how to be assertive when making and
    dealing with requests
  • To have ways of dealing with aggressive people
  • To draw own action plans for developing greater
    assertiveness over time

Behavior Skills
  • Decision Making
  • Assertiveness
  • Negotiation skills - Mission Analysis
  • Communication
  • Leadership
  • Attitude - Adaptability/Flexibility
  • Problem Solving - Situational Awareness

Behavior Skills
  • Human factors where errors occur
  • Complacency
  • Distraction
  • Fatigue
  • Pressure / Stress
  • Norms
  • Lack of
  • Communication
  • Awareness Knowledge
  • Teamwork
  • Resources
  • Assertiveness

  • An advocate is someone who is willing to stand up
    by own or beside someone in support of their need
    / right
  • An advocate speaks on behalf of themselves
    another person or a group
  • Advocacy Skills
  • To defend a right or ask a favor on behalf of
    yourself or others using
  • Right language, Right method
  • Right time, Right place
  • Right person who can respect the right or grant
    the favor

Do people take advantage of you often? Are you
volunteered to drive? Do you pay more than
your share of expenses? Do others use your
things without asking? Do you say nothing about
such situations? If this sounds like you need to
take a look at your assertiveness.
Why? Unhappiness, frustration anger often
accompany a lack of assertiveness. Being
assertive, you can serve better in many
situations at work, home, with customers,etc
Being Assertive
  • Say what you mean, mean what you say!
  • It is ability to honestly express your needs,
    opinions, feelings, attitudes, beliefs rights
    that is respectful, open, honest, with the
    dignity without violating rights of others.
  • It means to be positive and confident, is the
    willingness to actively participate, the ability
    to state and maintain individual position
  • It begins by being aware that you are a worthy
    person created by GOD, having very own unique
    combination of qualities.

  • It allows to get your point across respectfully
    honestly expressing thoughts feelings while
    commanding dignity respect from others
  • It is observed in your say, behaviors actions
  • Assertive behavior enables a person to act in
    their own best interest advocate for themselves
    with confidence, honesty comfortably exercising
    personal rights without denying the rights of
  • It is the healthy alternative to both passiveness
    and aggressiveness

  • Assertive people
  • are brave
  • respect self and others
  • own their own feelings, thoughts, and ideas
  • openly and honesty state their feelings
  • understand the possible consequences of
  • know when and how to be assertive

  • Is not the same as aggressive behavior.
  • Aggressive behavior enhances self at the expense
    of others.
  • Assertiveness produces positive outcomes for all
    aggressive acts result in negative outcomes.

Attributes of assertiveness
Encompasses Situations Requiring Assertiveness
Willingness to make decisions Demonstrating Initiative /Courage to act Maintaining positions until completely convinced by facts Pre-Mission Brief Mission Execution Post-Mission Brief
Behavior Behavior
Provide Relevant information without being asked Make Suggestions, Ask Questions Confront Ambiguities Maintain Position When Challenged State Positions on decisions /procedures Refuse unreasonable request
Attributes of assertiveness
Barriers Overcoming Barriers
Rank differences Position authority Lack of experience /New to unit Coercion Lack of confidence Get attention of receiver Use active verbs State your concerns Offer a solution, Recommend action Ask for feedback
Rule of Thumb - If a disagreement exists, take
the most conservative action until more
information is available.
What is Assertiveness?
  • When you are assertive, generally you dont
    follow others blindly. You think for yourself. If
    someone is trying to hurt you, or lead you into
    trouble, or influence you to do something wrong,
    you protect yourself.
  • You show strength not to let others hurt you or
    influence you in negative ways.
  • Assertiveness is expressing your own ideas,
    opinions, concerns talents. You serve the world
    in your own special way correctly using the gift
    you have!

  • Passive means letting people violate your rights
    and not doing anything about it.
  • Aggressive means getting what you want while
    violating the rights of others.
  • Assertive means standing up for yourself without
    violating the rights of others. Assertiveness is
    more mature, effective powerful tool

Try to avoid conflict confrontation Hide personal needs May get easily hurt leading to frustration Allow people to push when you do not stand up Others likely to take advantage Would rather ignore their own needs feelings than confront a problem in relationships. Want peace at any price, often pay the price These people, too, have problems with anger. They are afraid of it and eliciting the other persons anger. Sometimes, however follow subtle ways of retaliating of making others pay.
Makes sure everyone knows his opinions, often does not allow others to voice their opinions Accomplish short term goals intimidating others Let others feel anger hostility toward aggressor This involves fighting, blaming, accusing, threatening and disregard for people's feelings They regularly assume an attack position feel an urgent need to get their way, to win. The other person becomes the enemy, whose rights and feelings are completely disregarded. Benefit is this person doesnt get pushed around Cost is few want to be around someone like this
Direct and clear, yet relaxed and approachable They understand, do not force their opinions Utilize eye contact relaxed gestures Feel more confident, believe in abilities, more liked respected Have less stress achieve their goals Does not let people control, take a stand express true feelings Using an assertive communication style is helpful in reducing depression, anger anxiety. Assertiveness skills also enhance self-esteem, lower stress and help you feel more in control
Without assertiveness
  • If we are passive
  • React to the things would let others boss us
  • Others would tell what to do/think. We would not
    figure out what we want, need or think.
  • Your special way of being yourself however
    thinking would remain unexpressed
  • If you are assertive
  • Others respect you.
  • You are offering true ideas feelings,
    protecting from things that might harm you
  • You choose what to do for your own reasons

Effects of non-assertiveness
  • Personal costs
  • Frustration, anxiety and stress
  • Poor self esteem
  • Effects on service
  • Standards compromised
  • Inefficiency and unnecessary costs
  • Team costs
  • Unresolved conflicts
  • Blame game non-cultural activities
  • Individuals taking advantage
  • Unacceptable conduct

Cycle of failure
  • Being assertive allows you
  • To say what you want to say in a healthy,
    positive way
  • To resolve conflict successfully
  • To keeping your relationships healthy happy
  • Others will be more apt to help to achieve your
    goals if they consider you to be a respectful and
    honest person

Cycle of success
Difficult situations
Possible reactions
  • May be based on...
  • Personality
  • Emotions
  • Confidence
  • Culture background
  • Health
  • Personal circumstances

Chosen behaviour
  • May be based on
  • What we want to achieve
  • Respect for our and others rights
  • Our feelings
  • Empathy
  • Understanding the facts
  • Seeking solutions, not blame
  • Building long term relationships

How to be assertive
  • Say no to unreasonable expectations
  • Paraphrase what others have stated to you
  • Regognize and respect the rights of others
  • Use appropriate tone of voice.
  • Use i statements to express self
  • Effective assertions require an expression apt
    spontaneous message
  • Judgment is needed to select an appropriate
  • Avoid putting down /striping the other person
    (aggressive) to express feelings (assertive).
  • To seek counseling to be assertive

Key rules
  • Know what you want when, be specific
  • Short term Long term
  • Behaviour
  • Do what you say
  • Control emotions
  • Count to ten, meditate for a while
  • Express your emotions as appropriate
  • Understand the issues
  • Focus on facts, not assumptions or opinions
  • Active listening, Empathise and demonstrate it
  • Understand issue clearly from others
  • Show personal commitment and responsibility
  • Be positive, offer solution firmly, Be assertive

  • Assertiveness focuses on
  • Specific problem behavior of other person...It is
    to be stated objectively, without blaming or
    reading the intentions
  • To avoid negative feelingsit creates the problem
    for you e.g. an I message like I feel hurt
    /upset / used.
  • The request for a specific brainstorm
    mutually acceptable solutions
  • Result...when the change is (or is not) put in

To do Tools, Techniques, TIPS
  • Assertiveness is a learned skill to be
    practiced in low-risk safe situations.
  • It can be by cautious and continuous practice
  • Choose right time place to discuss issue
    involving all stake holders
  • To decide what you want and do not want. Be
    direct, Use I statements,
  • Content be specific, spontaneous, genuine and
    direct, Describe the facts share your opinions
    and beliefs

To do Tools, Techniques, TIPS
  • To confirm your request, express what you would
    like to happen making requests specific.
  • To describe positive consequences that will be
    happen, State intentionin order to take care of
    yourself if your wishes are not accommodated.
  • To acknowledge notice your feelings share
    your feedback about other person
  • Respect everyone you would expect in return
  • To avoid developing assertiveness debating a
    topic with a crowd. You may become more
    aggressive or passive in the process.

To do Tools, Techniques, TIPS
  • To think simple straight, Take ownership
  • Be honest direct about your feelings, needs
    beliefs, while giving/receiving feedback
  • To sort out the problem or change you want.
  • Keep your goal in mind. Think of how best to
    arrive at the change.
  • Complimenting a persons good qualities before
    pointing out negative aspect of their behavior
    can defuse defensiveness.
  • Angry confrontation usually doesnt work in the
    long run without creating resentment.

To do Tools, Techniques, TIPS
  • Dont give up Learn to be assertive in
    communication. It takes practice!
  • State your viewpoint without being hesitant or
    apologetic, stay politely, speak clearly firmly
    directly to specific individuals.
  • Never make yourself vulnerable, keep cool
  • Be reasonable in your requests
  • Dont let others impose their values/ideas
  • Encourage others to be clear and direct
  • Be aware of body posture, maintain eye contact,
    stand firm, match facial expressions

To do Tools, Techniques, TIPS
Consider the situation Bring effectiveness
To understand situation Cultural difference What is established liked Listen communicate Be clear in your say A level, well - modulated statement
Avoid absolutes Dont hurt others
Try to avoid words like always, never, every, Be specific to the situation To avoid judgments Express respectfully Dont adopt my way highway attitude Be confident approachable
Components of Assertive Behavior
Basic Assertive Rights Basic Assertive Rights
Freedom of opinion expression To say, I dont understand
To be independent, judge or justify behavior To make mistakes taking the responsibility
To change your mind To feel express anger
To say, I dont know or I dont care To refuse requests without feeling guilty
To judge for finding solutions To be illogical in making decisions.
  • To be myself, the right to respect myself
  • To have feelings, opinions, values, beliefs, and
    to express those appropriately, to ask for what I
  • How I wish to be treated, Not to be threatened
  • To make my own decisions taking responsibility of
    the consequences
  • How to lead my lifepursuing goals, dreams, etc.
  • To change my mind, make mistakes, learn from
    those without being ridiculed.
  • To change develop my life how I determine.
  • To have positive, healthy, satisfying
    relationships in which I am safe and respected.
  • To be happy and at peace.

Rights responsibilities
Rights Responsibilities
To be treated with respect To respect rights of others
To express opinions feelings To welcome opinions feelings of others
To set your goals Help others to work to their goals objectives
To refuse a request Or say No To encourage others to plan their activities
To ask for what I want Let other full-fill their needs
To make mistakes Let others too learn
To get what I pay To pay for service I get
Test your assertiveness
  • Can you express negative feelings about others
    behavior without using abusive language
  • Can you exercise your strengths
  • Can you recognize / compliment others
  • Do you have confidence asking what is rightfully
    yours, Are you able to stand up for your rights
  • Can accept criticism without being defensive
  • Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments

Test your assertiveness
  • Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments
  • Are you able to refuse unreasonable demands from
    friends family and colleagues
  • Can you comfortably start and carry on a
    conversation by your self
  • Do you ask for assistance when you need

No. of yes determines degree of assertiveness
Practice assertiveness
  • Observe your behavior keep track of
  • Assess your feeling behavior checking the
    effective relationships
  • Make a log or diary for a week. Be honest with
  • Observe an effective model.
  • Watch someone who handles situations well for the
    behaviors and style.
  • Discuss his/her approach and the consequences in
    friendly manner
  • Imagine yourself handling situations differently.
  • Visualize yourself dealing effectively with a
    variety of situations.

Practice assertiveness
Be assertive, but be as much of your natural
self as you can. Repeat this often until you can
imagine a comfortable and effective style for
yourself. Give it a try Find a trusted friend and
role play. Get some practice saying no, I have
an idea, or that solution doesnt really work
for me. The more you practice, the greater your
confidence. Have your partner play different
roles and give you feedback
Practice assertiveness
To be assertive, you need to remember how worthy
you are. You stand up for what you know is
right. You dont allow others to treat you
unjustly. You set limits with others by conveying
what you will and will not do. When you have
ideas, you speak out. You are your own
leader. Being assertive does not mean you control
things or get your own way. When someone asks
what you think or how you feel, you dont just
tell them what they want to hear, You honestly
tactfully tell whats true
Practice assertiveness
When some suggestion makes you uneasy or hurt you
or get you into trouble, you stop and think. You
tell them you wont do it. You dont let other
people bully, or hurt you. For Example - If
someone consistently leaves your office space or
cubicle a mess, saying Ive picked up your
papers four times this week wont put her or him
on the defensive as much as Youre always such a
slob might. For examples I won't pass my exams
if I go out with you every night "I feel hurt"
rather than " You hurt me". I feel worried when
you are going to be late
Conflict resolution
Approach- The key is using the best strategy
deciding right approach for the situation at
hand Avoidance - This is dodging the situation or
person. It works well for a cooling off period,
but is not helpful as a standard for solving the
conflict Competition - Seeing who can win. get
people on your side is not helpful in an
argument Compromise - Both parties get something,
but neither party gets all of. This is effective
method of resolution. To know when to compromise
when to stand firm Changing behavior is a
process. Honor your style and skills what works
for others may not work for you. Aim for more
confidence and consistency.
Differences between aggressive, passive
assertive A's tone is accusing and blaming. B is
immediately put on the defensive. A You didn't
spend any time with me at the party...I really
felt abandoned. B You didn't make an effort to
have a good time. A I didn't know anybody - at
least you could have introduced me to some of
your friends. B Listen, you can take care of
yourself. I'm sick of your complaining to be
taken care of all of the time. A And I'm sick
of your lack of consideration. B Okay, you're
going to need another girlfriend next time.
However, if A behaves assertively, expresses
feelings with "I" statements and accepts
responsibility, his request is specific,
non-hostile and successful. A I felt abandoned
when you ignored me at the party. I'd like you to
include me in your circle of friends. B I think
what you are saying is true. I didn't spend much
time with you and it sounds to me like you were
feeling pretty neglected. A I can see now that
I didn't make an effort to have a good time. I
could have asked you to introduce me to your
friends and not wait for you to make the first
move instead. B Okay, and I'll be more
considerate of you next time.
If A behaves passively, the timid opening line is
followed by complete withdrawal. The bill problem
must be dealt alone then A Would you help me for
a moment in figuring out this bill? B I'm busy
with this essay. Come back later. A Well, I
really hate to interrupt you but its important.
B Look I need to have it in by tomorrow. A
Okay, I understand I know its hard to be
distracted. If A behaves assertively however,
she expresses her wish clearly and does not
surrender to B's negativity. A I need your help
with figuring out this bill. B I'm busy with
this essay. Come back later. A I've waited a
week annoyed you keep the matter off. B Look I
need to have it in by tomorrow morning. A I
understand that you are under pressure, but I
need to get this done. Can we do it during your
break? B Okay, let me finish this paragraph
Steps to be assertive
  • Select a support system
  • Evaluate and decide if you need to stop/get rid
    of destructive behavior
  • Make a decision to be assertive
  • Assess your assertive strengths weaknesses
  • When and where do you start
  • Decide if something critical needs attention
  • Work on your assertive behavior continuously

Developing Assertiveness
  • Understand your real contributions to the team
  • Describe communication styles that sabotage a
    confident image
  • Describe non-verbal communication that sabotage a
    confident image.
  • Assert yourself through use of language
  • Accept praise graciously
  • Develop strategies to build a positive self-image
  • Participate positively in performance reviews

What happens
  • Doesnt just happen.
  • Does not guarantee you happiness or fair
  • Will not solve all your problems
  • Does not guarantee you will get what you want

Assertiveness Quiz
  • Do you buy things you do not want because you are
    afraid or shy to say no to the salesperson? 
  • When you do not understand the meaning of a word,
    do you ask about it? 
  • Do you feel responsible when things go wrong,
    even if it is not your fault? 
  • Do you eye contact when you talk to people? 
  • Do people ask to speak loudly in order to be
  • Do you feel intimidated by people in authority?
  • Do you generally have good posture?
  • Do you know how to ask for help without feeling
  • If someone interrupt, do you usually tell them ?

Assertive person does..
  • is not afraid or shy to say no. She or he feels
    free to make choices clear in communication
  • meets the needs. Fear does not prevent the
    assertive person from asking questions.
  • takes responsibility for own behavior
  • maintains eye contact and suggests sincerity,
    self-confidence and the expectation that others
    will listen. 
  • wants to be heard. 
  • does not allow status to intimidate
  • poses a good posture communicates
  • asks for help without feeling dependent
  • would state that he or she is irritated being
    interrupted. Can answer all questions at the end.

Communication Saboteurs
  • The Inappropriate I - Dont start sentences
    that arent about you with I. These statements
    weaken you by implying that you are not sure of
    the facts you are stating
  • Dont say I have a problem with my coworker.
    He never gets on time. Say My coworker rarely
    gets to work on time
  • Get Rid of the Hedges
  • You hide behind words refuse to commit when you
    use these words. Avoid Well In my
    opinion Basically..
  • I would like to . . . I feel . . . I think
    . . . Im not sure, but.
  • Tag Lines
  • A tag is a short question added to the end of a
    statement or a command. Tags weaken your
    statements because they admit doubt. Here are a
    couple of examples.
  • This is the best proposal, isnt it? OR
    Thats a good idea, dont you think?

Saying No Nicely
  • When you are confident and positive, you say no
    without being hostile/ negative.
  • You have alternatives when you want to resist
  • Use the language of distance.
  • That task cannot be completed now.
  • Use the language of power.
  • Cursing makes people uncomfortable. Please
    dont use it when I am around.
  • Ways to Say No Powerfully
  • Perhaps a better solution is available.
  • That solution doesnt promise success.
  • That solution doesnt sound practical.
  • This solution promises to be more economical.
  • Lets consider alternative to this.
  • The data doesnt support this solution.

Accepting Praise Graciously
  • Accept enjoy the praise, compliments that come
    our way. Its a recognition rewards for our
  • Ways Not to Accept Credit
  • It was really nothing.
  • I got lucky.
  • It wasnt me it was the team.
  • I worked hard.
  • I tried.
  • Ways to Accept Credit
  • Thank you.
  • I couldnt have done without cooperation
    support of the team

Next Performance Review
  • Compile evidence about your accomplishments/goals
  • Compile thoughts to gets recognized in the
  • Plan how you will introduce your accomplishments
    gracefully. Practice saying it out loud.
  • Use positive visualization, Expect a great
    session, Assume that you will get feedback that
    will compliment you and help you to improve.
  • Use positive body language to show your leader
    you are engaged in the process and enthusiastic
    about your job and serious about doing it better.
  • Take every compliment given warmly. Accept
    credit without deflecting it. Dont make your
    leader wonder if it was wrong to give you the
    credit in the first place.
  • Accept constructive feedback with an open mind
    and ask questions that clarify and help you

  • ASSERTIVE people
  • get better results
  • live longer and healthier
  • enjoy rewarding relationships
  • continually practice being assertive

Be Assertive It is the right thing to do!
Thank You all whose content is utilised
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