Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.

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Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and
Jealousy in Polyamorous RelationshipsLeanna
Wolfe, Ph.D.
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Definitions

• Polygamy - More Than One Spouse
• Polygyny - More Than One Wife
• Polyandry - More Than One Husband
• Monogamy - One Spouse
• Does not preclude sexual fidelity
• Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time
• Swinging - One Spouse Multiple Playmates
• Polyamory - Consensual Multiple Committed Loving
  Relationships

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Poly Speak The Language of Polyamory

• Compersion
• loving empathy for ones partner being
  loved/engaged by others
• New Relationship Energy (NRE)
• Limerence
• Other Significant Other (OSO)
• Primary, Secondary, Tertiary
• maintain social family hierarchy
• Polyfidelity
• sexually faithful to ones family

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Poly Configurations

• Open Couple
• Independent Single
• Primary and Secondary Partners
• Multiple Primary Partners
• Triad -- V or
• Quad
• Intimate Network

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Poly Players

• 94.3 White
• Highly Educated
• Science Fiction Aficionados
• Heinlein and Rimmer (1960s)
• Utopian Swingers
• Frustrated by Monogamy
• Independent Idealists

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Poly Cultural Practices

• New partners incorporated for novelty NOT to
  displace/replace long term ones
• Disinterest in Western cultures celebration of
  the one.
• NRE viewed as a temporary state, not a reason to
  disrupt ones home life.
• Avoidance of romantic love roller coasters

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Human Reproductive Strategies

• Sexy Son Hypothesis (Buss, 1994)
• Partible Paternity (Hrdy, 1999)
• Serial Monogamy (Fisher, 1994)
• Adultery-Divorce-Remarriage Cycle
• Lover in the Wings
• 2-4 year Divorce Cycle
• Polygamy
• Polygyny
• Polyandry

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Stages of Romantic Love

• Lust
• sexual interest -- love at first sight
• testosterone
• Attraction
• love sick, exhilaration, infatuation, NRE
• dopamine, norepinephrine
• Attachment
• stability, tranquility, peace
• ocytocin, vasopressin
• Detachment
• withdrawal, boredom

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Brain Chemistry

• Romantic Love raises dopamine and norepinephrine
  levels
• favoritism (unwavering focus on the one)
• obsession with details
• possessiveness/mate guarding
• High Serotonin levels can function to inoculate
  individuals from romantic love roller coasters.
• little need to be validated from the confirmation
  of mutual love

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Incidence of Romantic Love

• A Human Universal
• found in nearly all non-Western societies
• Not a Western cultural artifact!
• Considered different from Sexual Lust
• Can be suicidal when advances are not
  reciprocated
• Subject to high levels of Jealousy

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Pair Bonding

• Banned by Oneida and Kerista
• Focused on group love
• Starling brothers and sisters
• Discouraged investment in NRE

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Is it possible to be in love with more than one
sweetie?

• Its very possible to be in lust with many
  partners
• Its possible to be in the attachment phase with
  multiple partners
• The attraction phase may be largely a
  mono-experience
• Rare instances of falling in love with a couple

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Sex-Love Jealousy

• Biological Roots
• males fear being deceived into raising a child
  that is not biologically theirs.
• Cultures Roots
• may be largely a product of cultural learning,
  being barely present amongst the Inuit,
  Marquesans and Keristans
• Economic Roots
• females fear that their partners time, energy
  and resources will be directed outside of their
  home and their children.

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Kinds of Jealousy

• Possessive Jealousy
• Exclusion Jealousy
• feeling left out, deprived of time/attention
• Competition Jealousy
• feeling inadequate comparing oneself
• Ego Jealousy
• feeling others will judge them as inadequate for
  sharing a lover
• Fear Jealousy
• anxiety that partner will leave permanently

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Jealousy and Monogamy

• Jealousy is seen as a sign of intense or true
  love.
• Financial penalties for divorce reflect economic
  and domestic possessiveness
• Jealousy occurs when displacement or replacement
  is feared

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Jealousy and Polygyny

• Occurs when resources can be divided unevenly
• Can happen when visiting times are unequal
• Can arise when favoritism is suspected
• Can occur when it is not chosen by the wives
• switching from monogamy to polygyny
• co-wives that dont get along

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Ways Swinging Limits Jealousy

• Taste but Dont Surrender
• No elaborate Seduction
• Limited Sharing
• Preserve Social/Legal Monogamy
• Safer Sex
• Viral and Emotional
• Avoid Engaging Highly Attractive Players

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Polyamory and Jealousy

• It requires personal growth to transform into no
  longer being jealous (Nearing)
• Polyamory is a more advanced form of relationship
  for those prepared to evolve beyond monogamy
  (Anapol)
• You can change the way you experience jealousy
  (Easton Liszt)

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Polyamory and Jealousy Study

• 229 questionnaires received
• 140 questionnaires evaluated
• focussed on those that engaged in poly style
  dating
• swingers who just engage others as a couple at
  sex parties were not included
• created an11-point compersion index drawing from
  six compersion measures.

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Research Objectives

• Gather information on how poly people construct
  their social, emotional and sexual lives
• Explore ways poly people address/ resolve
  jealousy provoking situations
• Evaluate social and behavioral factors that might
  predict compersiveness

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Data Limitations

• Filling out a questionnaire over a 15-minute
  period of time offrs only a brief emotional snap
  shot
• Most participants were ideologically inclined
  towards the logic of polyamory (re Compersion
  Index)
• Questionnaire most coherent to those living as an
  open couple.

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Overview

• 58 males
• 82 females
• Peak Baby Boomers
• male median age -- 45
• female median age -- 43

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Compersion Measures

• Watching a partner being sexual with someone else
• Being Watched by Ones Partner
• Feelings about partner spending the night with
  other lovers
• What happens when partner returns
• Impact of poly dating on home relationship
• Change relationship agreements?

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Compersion Index

• 11 point scale
• Median 9.12
• Only 7.9 less then 7.
• Compersive thinking is largely the norm for the
  people who participated in this survey

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Changes Desired

• 97 had no interest in ending their home
  relationship
• 13 sought to renegotiate their agreement to date
  others separately
• About a third would like time to be apportioned
  differently, including 58 who wanted more time
  with their home partner.

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Survey Conclusions

• Prior social, emotional and sexual independence
  did not preclude successful adaptation to
  polyamory
• Over 70 reported that practicing polyamory had
  increased their self-esteem and their love for
  their home partner
• Upwards of 90 contended that being poly had
  afforded them a better perspective both on
  themselves and on their partners.

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Statistically Significant Correlations

• Males more compersive than females
• greater number of partners per year--less
  attachment--sense of abundance
• Those who report that they love each of their
  lovers equally
• embrace poly ideology
• Heterosexuals who masturbate frequently
• more substantial inner life

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Actualizing Compersion /Negotiating Jealousy

• Developed Inner Life
• masturbation, spirituality, meditation
• Full Plate Life
• busy with work, family, lovers
• Extended Family of Choice
• Believe in Poly Ideology
• Celebrate Starling Relationships
• There is not just one one
• High Serotonin Uptake
• Fears of Loss not actualized.
• New loves did not displace/replace partners

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The Polyamory Blur

• Avoid NRE elevating experiences
• Limit emotional spectrum
• Tolerate partners other loves
• Embrace Compersive Thinking
• Serial Monogamy may be practiced in slow motion.
• Averts dramatic breakups / divorce
• Engage in Polyarmory
• Control partners activities
• Avoid non-poly romantic engagements