2005 California State Employee Handbook by Arnold Schwarzenegger

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2005 California State Employee Handbook by Arnold
Schwarzenegger
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SICK DAYS -- Ve vill no longer accept a doktor's
shtatement as proof of sickness. If you are able
to go to the doktor, you are able to come to
verk.
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PERSONAL DAYS -- Each employee vill receive 104
personal days a year. Dey are called Saturday and
Sunday.
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LUNCH BREAK -- Skinny people get 30 minutes for
lunch as they need to eat more so dey can look
healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their
average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for
lunch, because dat's all der time needed to drink
der Shlim Fast.
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DRESS CODE--It is advised that you come to verk
dressed accordin g to your salary. If ve see you
vearing 350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a 600
Gucci Bag, ve assume you are doing vell
financially and derefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage
your money better, so dat you may buy nicer
clothes and derefore you do not need a raise. If
you dress in-between, you are right vere you need
to be and derefore you do not need a raise.
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BEREAVEMENT LEAVE -- Dis is no excuse for missing
verk. Dere is notting you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-verkers. Every effort
should be made to hav e non-employees attend to
da arranchments. In rare case vere employee
involvement is necessary, da funeral should be
scheduled late in da afternoon. Ve vill be glad
to allow you to vork troo your lunch hour and
subsequently leave vone hour early.
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RESTROOM USE--Entirely too much time is being
spent in da restroom. Dere is now a shtricht
3-minute time limit in der shtalls. At der end
of tree minutes, an alarm vill sound, der toilet
paper roll vill retract, the shtall door will
open and a picture vill be taken. Af ter your
second offense, your picture vill be posted on
der company bulletin board under da "Chronic
Offenders" category.
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Tank you for your loyalty to our great shtate.
Ve are here to provide a positive employee
experience.
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Tank you, DER GOVERNATOR
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Now get to work!