GIRL WARS

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GIRL WARS
Susan Dotter, Educational Consultant
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A PERSONAL DISCLAIMER

• NO EXPERT

• NO MAGIC

• NO EASY BUTTON

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WHY?
BRAIN DEVELOPMENT RESEARCH Sex hormones sculpt
our brains as well as our bodies, priming males
and females for different styles of thought

• Newborn girls gaze longer at faces, boys at
  mechanical mobiles
• Male monkeys favored cars, females favored dolls,
  while picture books and a stuffed dog got equal
  attention
• By age 3 girls are better at identifying the
  feelings of fictional characters
• Adult women are better at interpreting facial
  expressions and tones of voice
• THE ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCESimon Baron-Cohen
• TYPE E Women are natural empathizers
• TYPE S Men are better at systemizing

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The Minds of Boys
Boys have more cortical area devoted to
spatial-mechanical functioning and half as much
to verbal-emotive functioning.
Source Gurian, M. Stevens, K. With Boys and
Girls in Mind, Educational Leadership, Nov. 2004.
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The Minds of Girls
A girls brain experiences approximately 15 more
blood flow, which is located in more centers of
the brain, than a boys.
Source Gurian, M. Stevens, K. With Boys and
Girls in Mind, Educational Leadership, Nov. 2004.
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CULTURAL EXPECTATIONS

• girls struggle with who they really are and how
  our culture would like them to be
• Reviving Ophelia Saving the Selves of Adolescent
  Girls Mary Pipher

• CONFLICTING MESSAGES
• Be sexybut dont be sexual
• Be beautifulbeauty is only skin deep
• Boys who have sex are studsgirls who have sex
  are sluts

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PERVASIVE THEMES

• Weight
• Fear of rejection
• Need for perfection

• THE MEDIA
• TV
• Magazines
• Movies

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MAKING MATTERS WORSE

• UNCLEAR COMMUNICATION
• Can I do..?
• EMOTIONALITY
• Extremely intense ups and downs
• THINKING
• Low impulse control
• Difficulty considering future
  consequences of current decisions
• Black and whiteno gray
• Over-generalizationEverybody is
• Over-sensitivePeople are watching/judging me
• EgocentricIts all about me
• If they FEEL itits true

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SO WHAT?

• Unlike males, women typically forge their
  identities through relationships with others.

• If I got a bunch of boys together who didnt
  know each other and sent them out to play soccer,
  they wouldnt think twice about it. Theyd go
  out and play, then go off the field and never
  think about seeing each other again. Not so with
  girls. They need to know who is the leader, who
  they might become friends with, whos nice, whos
  popular, all of that stuff before they can play
  anything.
• Anonymous Soccer Coach
• Girl Wars

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WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?

• Bullying, harassing, victimizing, meanness
  overt, alternative and covert aggression

• Threats and intimidation
• Starting rumors
• Spreading gossip
• Teasing
• Name calling, put-downs
• Manipulation
• Creating or joining cliques
• Deliberate exclusion

Ongoing drama that lasts for days/weeks
So subtle that it is missed by adults
CONTINUUM
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RELATIONAL AGGRESSION (RA)

• A psychological term that signifies the use of
  relationships to hurt peers..using the
  relationship as a weapon

• Girls are more likely to approve of and use RA,
  boys are more likely to approve of and use
  physical aggression
• Evident in all age groups from preschool through
  adulthood
• For students in grades 3-6, RA is a stronger
  predictor of future social maladjustment than
  overt physical aggression
• Both victims and initiators of RA have a higher
  incidence of serious mental health problems
• RA may be as strong a risk factor for future
  delinquency, crime and substance abuse as
  physical aggression

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CAN LEAD TO PHYSICAL AGGRESSION

• 30 years ago research showed the effects of TV
  violence in stimulating aggression were mostly
  confined to boys
• Age 4 girls are nearly as likely to use
  physical aggression as boys (24 versus 27)
• Spousal violence rate of physical assault by
  women against men against women in couples is
  12.4 versus 12.2 men against women for severe
  assault it is 4.6 women against men versus 5
  for men
• US Department of Health and Human Services 7
  of female students have been involved in a fight
  on school property (versus 18 of male students)

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DIFFERENCES BETWEEN SOCIAL AND PHYSICAL AGRESSION

• Aggressor/s
• Time frame
• Pain
• Involvement
• Environment

• MODEL FOR DEFINING AND CLASSIFYING

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EXCELLENT FRIENDS TERRIBLE ENEMIES

• Girls are more likely to use RA within their
  friendship circles while boys tend to aggress
  outside their friendship circles

• Girls can better understand how other girls
  feelso they know better how to harm them

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Something old
Something new

• Gossip
• Dirty Looks
• Notes

• Techno-Aggression
• Cyber-Bullying
• E-mail
• IMs
• Web sites
• Chat rooms/ bash boards
• Voting/polling booths

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CYBER-BULLYING

• Access to these media allows a girl to sit in her
  room at her computer and wreck another girls
  reputation with an entire school in a matter of
  minutesa level of damage probably unattainable
  through hallway gossiping.
• The perceived anonymity of electronic gossip has
  also led to severe escalations in the levels of
  slander and threats.
• Another way in which e-bullying has raised the
  level of relational aggression is that it leaves
  the victim with no sanctuary.

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SOUND FAMILIAR?

• Queen Bee
• Sidekick
• Banker
• Floater
• Torn Bystander
• Pleaser/Wannabe/Messenger
• Target

Queen Bees and Wannabes, Rosalind Wiseman
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GIRL WORLD

• Perceived by its inhabitants as a sort of
  lifeboat with fewer seats than there are
  potential occupants.

• The culture says that, in order for you to
  belong, someone else is not going to.
•  For you to belong, youre going to have to
  maintain relationships, no matter how people
  treat you. 

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POPULARITY GOOD OR EVIL?

• POPULAR doesnt mean WELL-LIKED

• Boys requirements
• 1 is athletic ability

• Girls requirements
• Looks, clothes, socio-economic statusin that
  order

Patricia Adler, Colorado sociologist
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SO..WHATS THE PLAN?

• Ideas from best practice

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1 SILENCE IS ACCEPTANCE
TWO BASIC TRUTHS

• If educators and other responsible adults dont
  call aggression and bullying by their proper
  names, perpetrators live above the law and
  victims have no recourse.

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2Its NOT about teaching kids NOT TO BULLY.
TWO BASIC TRUTHS
It IS about teaching kids TO TREAT EACH OTHER
WITH RESPECT.
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TEACH RESPECT

• Know what it
• Looks like
• Sounds like
• Feels like

RESPECT ZONE
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SET AN EXAMPLE

• MODEL appropriate behavior

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USE PROACTIVE STRATEGIES

• TEACH, PRACTICE, REWARD
• Friendship Skills
• Tolerance
• Empathy
• Communication Skills
• Conflict Resolution
• Kindness

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PROVIDE INFORMATION

• Bring these aggressive behaviors out into the
  opendefine them and call them by name. Educate
  community, staff, students and parents.

• Dont accept girl bullying as a nasty
  developmental stage
• Make sure the girls themselves have the
  informationknowledge is power

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USE COMMON LANGUAGE
HARASSMENT ISNT OK, WE NEED YOU TO TREAT OTHERS
WITH RESPECT
EXCLUDING ISNT OK, AT THIS SCHOOL WE TREAT
OTHERS WITH RESPECT
THREATS AND INTIMIDATION ARENT OK TREAT OTHERS
WITH RESPECT
NOT LETTING ANNA ON THE SWING ISNT OK, AT
GRANDMAS ALL KIDS CAN SWING.
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TEACH A STOP SIGNAL

• COVER THE SCENARIOS
• If you RECEIVE disrespect
• STOP, WALK, TALK
• If you see OTHERS RECEIVE DISRESPECT
• STOP, REMOVE THE TARGET,TALK
• If youre TOLD TO STOP
• STOP

DUH
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INTERVENE EARLY
BE AWARE

• Much more difficult to detect than physical
  aggression

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WORK THROUGH THE BEHAVIORS

• Focus on the facts
• Focus on the group
• Provide safe places/safe people
• Prevent conflict from becoming physical

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HAVE AN ADULT PRESENT
I feel.. when you and I want.
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WHAT ELSE CAN ADULTS DO?

• Set firm guidelines and communicate high hopes
• Help them recover when they lose their
  heads
• Stay reasonably calm through the storm
• LISTEN

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OFFER SUPPORT

• Promote positive emotional expression
• Emphasize strengths
• Provide options
• Enlist others
• Mentoring
• STAY CONNECTED

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WHAT ABOUT THE GIRLS?
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HELPING FRIENDS WHO ARE TARGETS

• If a friend becomes the target of RA, think
  how much you would appreciate her support if
  you were the target
  and act accordingly

• Dont participate in the gossiping. 
• Currying favor with the aggressor may be
  tempting.  But its wrong.
• Deny the lie. 
• If someone tries to tell you the gossip or lie,
  inform them firmly that you know its untrue, and
  they shouldnt repeat it to anyone else.

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HELPING FRIENDS WHO ARE TARGETS

• Let her know you are on her side. 
• Dont be surprised if shes skeptical, at first. 
  She may know about spies and bankers, too.  If
  she does immediately take you into her
  conference, warn her not to trust just anyone who
  claims to be on her side.

• Offer to accompany her to adult authorities, or
  to go with her to confirm her story to her
  parents. 
• Adults may consider bullying of this sort to be
  trivial if they hear about it only from the
  victim.  If someone is with her to underscore
  just how hurtful the attack has been, they may
  listen more closely.

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HERES ANOTHER STRATEGY
SEE
SPEAK
HEAR
NO EVIL
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IF YOURE THE TARGET

• If possible, document the attack. 
• If it was sent via e-mail or I.M., or posted on
  the Web or a blog, make copies.  Try to trace its
  origins.  If you have a friend who knows where it
  originated, get them to tell you.

• Dont publicly confront your attacker. 
• Getting a reaction from you is what she wants. 
  Moreover, like physical bullies, the social
  aggressor plans her attacks so that you will
  probably lose any open confrontation.
• Dont retaliate. 
• Relational bulliesespecially those of the Queen
  Bee varietyare highly adept at ingratiating
  themselves with adults.  Youre likely to end up
  accused of being the aggressor.

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IF YOURE THE TARGET

• Make your attacker an unperson. 
• Stay away. If you encounter her, try not to make
  eye contact or just look right through her.  As
  far as youre concerned, she is now invisible.

• Beware of spies and bankers. 
• If another girl who is a member of a circle that
  also includes the aggressor approaches you
  expressing sympathy, dont divulge your feelings
  about the attack.  She may be a spy for the
  attacker, or a bankera girl who collects
  gossip and rumors for her own purposes.
• Recruit reliable friends. 
• The attack will end when it runs out of people
  who will believe and spread the information.  Get
  friends you trust to spread the truth about the
  claims and refute the lies.

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IF YOURE THE TARGET

• Seek adult input. 
• It is difficult to maintain your perspective when
  you are the victim of gossip or slander.  The
  counsel of a caring and understanding adult can
  do wonders for your morale and self-confidence.

• Face your attacker in private.  
• Take the audience out of the picture.  Be calmly
  assertive, not openly aggressive.  Tell her you
  know of the attack, and know that she can stop
  it.  Tell her the attack hurt you, and request
  that she put a stop to it.  Dont expect her to
  agree or admit. Watch and see what happens next.
   
•  Take the problem to a responsible adult.  
• If the attack persists, this is your best and
  only option.  Take the documentation and any
  other information that can identify the aggressor
  to a trusted teacher, counselor or school
  administrator.  If the attack didnt occur at
  school, discuss the problem with your parents. If
  the attack included documented threats, it may be
  a matter for the police.

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What To Do When Words Become A Weapon

• Perspective Taking
• Look Beyond the Surface
• Being with Mom
• Seeking Refuge
• Getting Advice from Neutral Others
• Finding Adults You Can Trust
• Mentoring
• Using Other Outlets to Express Feelings
• Starting Support Groups
• Expand Your Circle of Friends
• Maintain Hope for the Future
• Keep a Sense of Values
• Act Toward Others the Way You Want Them to Act
  Toward You
• Love Yourself for Who You Are
• Ask Others to Stop
• The Little Things

• Walk Away
• Think About What You Say , and to Whom
• Appreciate the Friends You Have
• Popularity Means More in Middle School
• Help Someone Else
• Confront Your Aggressor Calmly
• Speak Up for Yourself
• Monitor Your Own Behavior
• Be a Leader
• Forgive and Forget
• Do What You Love
• Realize That the Way You See Yourself Is Probably
  Different from the Way You Really Are
• Never Give Up
• Get a Pet

Cheryl Dellasega, PH.D. Clubophelia.com
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I AM

• I am a girl who is judged by others eyes
• I wonder why people cant get along
• I hear cruel laughter everywhere
• I see groups of friends.. but large spaces
  in-between
• I want my differences to be respected
• I am a girl who is judged by others eyes
• I pretend not to be hurt
• I touch the tears of my closest friends
• I feel like no one cares
• I dont understand why some people are so
  critical of others
• I dream of my life being another way
• I am a girl who is judged by others eyes
• I always do the wrong thing
• I never say the right words
• I try too much or too little
• I hope someday someone will like me for what I
  say, and not care what I look like
• I understand why only some people smile

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CULTIVATE CHANGE

• Change the cultureeducate

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SOME OBSERVATIONS

• Remember DEVELOPMENT STAGESespecially
  adolescence
• Stay objective
• Dont take sides
• Dont take it personally
• Provide the skills
• Keep a sense of humor
• REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT

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EXPERIENCE COUNTS

• GOT ANY BRIGHT IDEAS?

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RESOURCES/REFERENCES

• Girl Wars 12 Strategies That Will End Female
  Bullying, Cheryl Dellasega and Charise Nixon,
  Fireside, ISBN 0-7432-4987-9
• Salvaging SisterhoodA Small Group Counseling and
  Classroom Curriculum for Relationally Aggressive
  Girls, Julia V Taylor, Youthlight, Inc., ISBN
  1-59850-000-7
• Mean Girls101½ Creative Strategies and
  Activities for Working with Relational
  Aggression, Kaye Randall, LISW-CP and Allyson A.
  Bowen, LISW-CP, Youthlight, Inc, ISBN
  978-1-59850-022-6
• Odd Girl Out The Hidden Culture of Aggression
  in Girls, Rachel Simmons, Harcourt Books, ISBN
  0-15-100604-0
• Queen Bees and Wannabes, Rosalind Wiseman, Random
  House, ISBN 1-4000-4792-7

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RESOURCES/REFERENCES

• Reviving OpheliaSaving the Selves of Adolescent
  Girls, Mary Pipher, Ballentine, ISBN
  0-345-39282-5
• Girl FightingRejection and Betrayal Among Girls,
  Lyn Mikel Brown, New York University Press, ISBN
  978-0-8147-9951-2
• See Jane HitWhy Girls Are Growing More Violent
  and What We Can do About It, James Garbarino,
  Ph.D., Penguin Books, ISBN 978-0-14-303868-9
• Sugar Spice and No Longer NiceHow We Can Stop
  Girls Violence, Deborah Prothrow-Stith and
  Howard R. Spivak, Josey-Bass, ISBN 0-7870-8691-0
• Aggression, Antisocial Behavior and Violence
  among GirlsA Developmental Perspective, Martha
  Putallaz and Karen L Bierman, The Guilford Press,
  ISBN 1-59385-232-0

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RESOURCES/REFERENCES

• Cliques, Phonies, Other Baloney, Trevor Romain,
  Free Spirit Publishing, ISBN 1-57542-045-7
• Mean Chicks, Cliques, and Dirty Tricks, Erika V.
  Shearin Karres, Adams Media Corporation, ISBN
  1580629334
• Girls Against GirlsWhy We Are Mean to Each Other
  and How We Can Change , Bonnie Burton, Orange
  Avenue Publishing, ISBN 13 978-0-97901-736-0