A Counselors Perspective on Parenting Gifted Kids

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A Counselors Perspective on Parenting Gifted Kids

• Jean Peterson, Ph.D.
• Purdue University
• jeanp_at_purdue.edu

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Where Im Coming From

• 19 years in the classroom (English)
• 5 years as HS program director (Gifted)
• Parent of two (very different from each other)
  gifted kids
• Several years clinical experience (including with
  gifted kids and their families)
• 1300 small discussion groups related to
  social/emotional development of gifted kids
• Research related to the burdens and
  vulnerabilities of capabilities (at risk?)
• Research of under-studied gifted populations
  (underachieving, extremely high-achieving,
  traumatized, bullied/bullies, low-income,
  cultural minority, gay, developmentally
  stuck) What is the subjective experience of
  these phenomena?

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Socially Emotionally . . .

• Sensitivity (re developmental or family
  transitions, events, change, relationships,
  loss)
• Overexcitabilities (Dabrowski/Piechowski)
• Intensity
• Stress
• Denied, controlled emotions
• Control of environment
• Protection of Image
• Fix yourself
• Cant ask for help/Always ask for help
• Bullyingas bully, victim, or bystander

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Social Emotional, continued

• Existential Concerns
• Little Room to Rebel
• Sense of differentness
• Interpersonal Problems
• Perfectionism
• (re risk-taking, doinggtbeing, unreasonable
  standards, cant begin/end/enjoy,
  productgtprocess, hung up on mistakes, focused on
  right way, self-critical, critical others,
  need for control)
• Educators and counselors pathologizing behavior
• Parentified

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Peterson Survey of Parents of Gifted Children
Adolescents

• About what have you wished to consult someone
  regarding issues related to giftedness?
• 1. Perfectionism 7. Tolerance of others
• 2. Underachievement 8. Behavior problems
• 3. Stress 9. Depression
• 4. Boredom
• 5. Sibling issues
• 6. Problems with authority

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Survey of Gifted Junior High Students (N45)

• 1/3 had experienced depression
• 1/3 had experienced suicidal ideation

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Perfectionism Greenspon View

• Perfectionism a relational issue (not good
  enough in eyes of others)
• Perfectionists could achieve more flow states
  without it.
• Perfectionists feel fundamentally defective and
  unacceptable.
• Perfectionists often feel disappointed and
  discouraged.
• Failure might be unfamiliar to perfectionists
  if theyre not challenged earlier.
• Perfectionists dont take mistakes in stride,
  dont enjoy pursuit of excellence.
• Perfectionists feel burdened (regardless of where
  it is channeled)by anxiety and hypervigilance.
• Perfectionism can kill passion (for something
  of interest).
• Perfectionism is fed by the typical world of
  gifted kids
• School offers a chance to attempt perfection.
• Many gifted kids homes may have pressure to
  perform.
• Gifted kids may be in contexts where
  acceptability is based on doing well.
• Both gifted and non-gifted kids can be
  perfectionistic.
• Unreasonable goals can be a problem for
  non-perfectionistic people, too.

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Informal Survey of Gifted Kids

• 32 highly critical of others
• 51 highly self-critical
• 15 very hard to begin something
• 29 very hard on self when make mistakes
• 11 definitely dont play well in life
• 18 dont enjoy doing a task, project at all
• 32 feel very inferior to others, generally

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Overexcitabilities

• Heightened response to stimuli that do not
  affect other children similarly.
• Profoundly gifted persons may have several of
  these.
• Intellectual
• Imaginational
• Emotional
• Psychomotor
• Sensual

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A Perspective on Dabrowkis Theory of Emotional
Development

• Can help students understand their emotional
  sensitivity inability to fit in with their
  peers intensity concerns about morality,
  justice
• The path to higher development is not an easy
  one. It is filled with conflict and struggle.
  But to pursue it increases the probability that
  society will be endowed with leaders with moral
  values, a superior perception of self, and
  empathy, concern, and compassion for others.

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Dabrowski, continued

• Intense experience can lead to depression, and
  much of the depression stems from the
  individuals inability to reconcile his or her
  emotional experience with expected norms. Gifted
  individuals often feel they should not have
  conflicts or negative feelings. They have been
  labeled too sensitive, too intense, too
  perfectionistic, and they have internalized the
  message that there is really something wrong with
  them.
• (L. K. Silverman)

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Positive Disintegration

• . . . the disintegrating and reintegrating power
  of emotions influences personality development .
  . .
• When individuals in crisis try to cope by
  applying previous learning to resolve distress
  from uncontrollable situations and discover that
  previous learning does not apply, some seek other
  solutions, which may lead first to disintegration
  and then to the possibility of advanced
  development. Not moving to this next level may
  mean psychoses or suicide. Moving ahead involves
  deliberately selecting higher values, developing
  responsibility for self and others and a strong
  sense of justice, and connecting to others with
  empathy, self-education, and self-correction.
• (Mendaglio, 2008)

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Negative Life Events

• (94) Death in immediate or extended family
• (77) Serious illness in immediate or extended
  family
• (15) New or chronic illness self
• (13) Change in family constellation
• (10) Injury and/or surgery
• (10) Death of a friend (adult or age peer)
• (6) Car accident (driver, passenger)
• (6) Moving to school for gifted students
  (grades 2-5)
• (4) Incarceration of parent (3) or well-liked
  teacher (1)
• (3) Family relocation (remained in city and in
  study)
• (3) Mental-illness diagnosis self
• (2) Family financial reversal
• (2) Substance-abuse treatment driving under
  the influence
• (1) Severe personality conflict with teacher
• (1) Sexual abuse self as victim

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Career Development, Career Concerns

• Early interest, concerns, anxieties about careers
• Early/premature foreclosure
• Multipotentiality (loss/grief issue?)
• Fit Interests, Values, Skills/Talents,
  Personality
• Interests developing into a career
• Being able to SEE a career
• Field trips, one-day shadowing (of engineers,
  etc.)
• Not needing to know NOW
• Exposure to new areas during college, jobs,
  internships
• Needing to select a major in college
• Teaching as a career for gifted individuals
• Underachievement vis á vis career development

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Anxieties about College

• Knowing the jargon (e.g., major/minor, core
  course, advisor, bursar, Dean, Department,
  professorial ranks, adjunct, TA, registrar,
  residence hall, )
• Eating alone, sharing a room, being ill, getting
  lost
• How to become known
• Loss of identity (the October syndrome)
• Self-discipline (how parents can begin the
  transition)
• Large/small city large/small university/college
• Distance from home
• Application essays
• Protocols, accessibility to professors (related
  to recommendations later)

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Cultural Values Gifted(Who should be
identified?)

• Appreciating diversity here, too (parent
  modeling)
• What standard is used in schools, programs?
• Teacher culture, student culture, program culture
• A study of 5 cultures related to gifted education
• White, middle-class
• African American
• Latino
• American Indian
• Low-income White

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Dominant-Culture Teachers as Gatekeepers
Preferences

• Individual, competitive, conspicuous achievement
• Organization, precision
• Production (of a familiar variety)
• Strong work ethic (of a familiar variety)
• Eagerness to learn, high motivation (of a
  familiar variety)

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Individual, Competitive, Conspicuous Achievement

• Academic achievement
• Hard-working, conscientious, productive, extra
  effort, going beyond
• Competitive
• Highly organized
• Domain-specific strengths
• perfectionthorough, detailed, precise
• top, winning awards

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Knowledge, Learning

• Strong knowledge base
• Memory
• Higher-level thinking skills
• Quickness
• Eager learner
• Highly motivated, challenge-seeking
• Being interested (in the subject matter)

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Social Skills

• Good behavior
• Being cooperativeteam player
• Assertivenessshowing the talent
• Verbal strengths
• Sense of humor
• Good personality
• Being willing to help others, share ideas,
  volunteer
• Ideas and opinions
• A certain spark (A Bright Spot for Me)
• Maturity
• Great kid

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Involvement

• Involvement in activities, extra-curriculars
• All-around strengths
• Well-rounded

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Themes in Teacher Language

• Behavior
• Verbal ability, articulateness, assertiveness
• Family and socioeconomic status
• Work ethic
• Social skills
• Who is likely not to be identified?

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Twice-Exceptional Kids

• High intelligence masks learning disability
• Learning disability affects performance
• (i.e., Missing Services at Both Ends of
  Spectrum)
• Gifted and Physical Disability
• Gifted and Emotional Disability
• Missed diagnosis (for example, Aspergers,
  depression)
• Misdiagnosis (of characteristics associated with
  giftedness)

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Why Normal Developmental Transitions May Be
Difficult in High-functioning Families

• Parental Anxieties
• HypersensitivityParents and Children
• Memories!
• Parents Reliving Own Transitions
• Old Issues
• Control!
• Cross-generational Modeling?
• Catastrophizing!

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Parental Anxieties at Significant Developmental
Junctures

• Entering Schoolparental-control issues
  child-as-extension-of-parent issues
  perfectionism Am I doing enough?
• Age 9-10less parental control peer-group
  influences catastrophic visions mirror images
  tendency to keep em busy, fears regarding
  doing enough?
• Pubertytaking it personally, insecurely being
  needy, reliving own adolescence creating what
  is most feared?
• When achievement really mattersno other topic
  of conversation doing valued more than being
• Launchingleaving home focus on the marriage

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Child Anxieties at Developmental Junctures

• Control! Change! (and therefore loss! grief!)
• Uncertainty! No map!
• Unknown Territory (and little tolerance for
  ambiguity?)
• Perfectionism (being used to being able to
  control)
• Sexuality (troubling thoughts, past
  embarrassments, androgyny, no sense of
  commonality with others, no chance to articulate
  the concerns?)
• Peer Relationships (new demands, concerns, peers
  gt adults, unfamiliar territory)
• Future-Fear (afraid of asking dumb questions
  about college relocation perfectionism re
  direction, major, roommate, college, marriage
  leaving childhood behind others expectations
  managing the complexities of adulthood)
• Fear for Parents, Parents Marriage, Family
  Safety
• Internalization of Parents Concern Messages

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Helping Them Become Anxious, Unbalanced . . .

• Focusing only on achievement, performance
• (Parents How did you DO todayon the test?)
• Creating dependence, overfunctioning
• Insisting on perfection
• Demeaning the concept of play
• Overstructuring their lives
• Sending mixed, paradoxical parenting messages
• Forgetting their age (teachers, parents, coaches)
• (re social/emotional development)
• Assuming that all undesirable behaviors are due
  to giftedness
• Talking about products more than process

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StrategiesAt Each Stage

• Listen! Normalize the difficulties.
• Pay attention to the marriage.
• Pay attention to the self (what is going on?).
• Practice talking!
• Seek assistance, if necessary.
• Promote discussion groups at schoolsocial/emotion
  al focus.
• Focus on strengthssend message of confidence
  (Youll figure it out).
• Reframe problems as a positive
• It makes sense that you responded like that.
• You were smart enough to talk to someone. Im
  glad you chose your counselor.
• You had courage not to achieve. Thats probably
  difficult in our family.

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Listening and Responding

• Nonverbal communication
• Reflecting feelings
• Paraphrasing
• Checking for accuracy
• Summarizing
• Open-ended questions
• Poiseno matter what you hear!
• Not focused on fixing
• Respectful, nonjudgmental, nonevaluative
  attention

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Practicing . . .

• 1 Something that happened in the past week or
  two that was a little complicated
• 2 Something that happened in the past year that
  can easily evoke strong feelings
• 3 A situation that requires telling what
  happened in some sort of sequence.
• 4 A parenting transition you have experienced

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The Art of Listening

• Nonverbals, posture, attitude
• Eye contact (?), show respect (no matter what is
  said), head nods, full attention, no rush, wow,
  ooo, um-hmm
• Reflect back the feeling
• Sounds like you . . . That sounds awful I can
  feel how upset you are I can feel how
  disappointed you are It sounds as if it hurts
  bad Im listening I can only imagine how much
  it hurts.
• Check for accuracy
• Let me see if I have this right Theyre going
  to be leaving today? You were upset then, but not
  now? (Use their words A dirty look? Complicated?
  Upset?)
• Repeat what they said, but in new words
• So youve had a terrible week Your dad was
  upset, and you gave up trying to explain You got
  an F and you
• Ask for more
• You said threat. What did you mean, exactly?
  I dont understand. What else happened? What do
  you mean? Is there anyone else youre worried
  about?

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Well-Functioning Parents . . .

• Dont organize family around gifted label
• Expect their children to be involved in life
• Are eager to learn about the potentially
  handicapping gifted conditionand apply their
  learning to their own lives
• Become informed consumers of educational
  services
• Focus on complementing the school program, not
  supplanting it
• Nurture talent development in all of their
  children

• Do not make the gifted child the focal point of
  the family
• Move beyond the overpowering sense of
  responsibility so that family interaction is not
  affected
• Dont make one parent peripheral regarding
  achievement or discipline
• Dont put pressure for excessive performance on
  themselves or their children
• Do not make the child a problem to mask their
  own problems

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Suggestions for Parents of Highly Able
Children/Adolescents

• Model a good level of assertiveness. Know where
  you begin and where you end. Be clear about
  what is their responsibility and what is yours.
  That will help them to take care of themselves
  when you are not available.
• Beware of overfunctioning. Let them make
  mistakes, fail, create their own style, arrange
  their own room, learn to problem-solve. These are
  important, educational experiences. You will be
  contributing to their resilience and
  self-confidence.
• Know that it is normal for them to be angry with
  you at times, especially during adolescence. It
  helps them become separatebut connected
  eventually.
• Model respect for others, other kinds of
  intelligence, other views.
• Model support for the system. Help them to
  understand the system. Teach them how to advocate
  for themselves. Be wise advocates when you feel
  the need to intercede.
• Encourage them to be selfish regarding the
  system. They need to have it work for them. You
  had to learn how to deal with your world, and
  they also can use their intelligence to figure
  out how to deal with theirs.
• Model clear expression of feelings. They need to
  know that feelings dont have to be feared,
  denied, or displaced.

• Help them know that their being loved doesnt
  depend on their performance or achievement.
  Assure them with your actions that your love is
  unconditional.
• Be a parent, but also a human beingimperfect,
  vulnerable, sometimes insecure, sometimes strong,
  sometimes weak. They need permission to be human
  as well.
• Value them as sons and daughters, not just as
  fulfillers-of-dreams or as central to your
  self-esteem. Value them for being, not just
  doing. Have enough of a life not to be
  dependent on, or to overvalue, their
  accomplishment.
• Support effort. Give extended, not terminal,
  feedback.
• Encourage activities that arent graded. Beware
  of overscheduling. Help them learn to conquer
  boredom themselves.
• Model play. Model balance. Model appropriate
  risk-takingi.e., in areas where you are not sure
  you can be excellent.
• Model kindness to yourself when you make
  mistakes.
• Be a parent-friend, not a peer-friend. Above all,
  be a parent. Let them be kids.
• Encourage them to talk with someone when they
  feel they cant talk with you.
• Model good copingwith stress, challenge,
  competition, mountains. You are an important
  teacher of coping skills.
• Take note of your negative, critical messages.
  They are heard and have impact.

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More Suggestions for Parents

• Networkingfinding kindred spirits
• Family Tempomonitor it
• Family Stabilityrituals, sense of place, sense
  of safety
• Family Hierarchyparents and children in
  appropriate positions
• Parental Availability
• Listeningnot rushing in to fix, asking
  open-ended questions, reflecting back the
  feelings
• Parental Modelingof coping
• Focusing on the Marriage communication, modeling
  of relationship

• Building Resiliencelet them learn to cope
• Achievementmake it theirs!
• Family Counseling
• Emotional Hypersensitivity reframe it as a
  positive
• Cross-generational Anxiety
• Gifted Children, Gifted Parents affirm your own
  strengths!
• Resilient Children, Resilient Parents
• Complexityembrace it!

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Recommended Books

• The Essential Guide to Talking with Gifted Teens
  (Free Spirit, 2008) (Peterson)
• Dabrowskis Theory of Positive Disintegration
  (Great Potential Press, 2008) (Mendaglio)
• Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnosis of Gifted
  Children and Adults
• (Great Potential Press, 2005)
• (Webb et al.)

• Models of Counseling Gifted Children,
  Adolescents, and Young Adults (Prufrock Press,
  2007)
• (Mendaglio Peterson)
• Living with Intensity (Great Potential
  Press, 2009) (Daniels Piechowski)
• Mellow Out, They Say. If I Only Could
  (Yunasa Books, Madison, WI, 2006)
  (Piechowski)

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Great Potential Press Free Spirit Publishing