Title: Difficult Conversations
1Difficult Conversations
2009 Presented by Mary M. Rydesky Transition
Management Consulting
2Disagreements, poorly handled, lead to poor
decisions, strained relationships, eventually
to disastrous results.
K Patterson, et al
3(No Transcript)
4What Makes Conversations Difficult
- DCs are difficult for diverse reasons are
affected by the social power positions of those
engaged - The difficulty factor rises when we
- Assume that the other person thinks, or feels,
what we think/feel - Make assumptions about motivation
5What Drew You Here?
- Exercise 1
- With a partner, describe a situation that
required or involved you in a difficult
conversation (DC) - What would you have liked to have known then?
6Your Experience
- When have you experienced a DC?
- Recall where (setting)
- Recall issue
- Recall your role
- Recall emotions thoughts
7Difficult Subjects
8Difficult Settings
9Difficult Roles
- Professional roles?
- What roles?
- Personal roles?
- In what way?
10Personalities
- Traits? Habits? Responses?
- What makes someone difficult?
11Difficult Personalities
- The Liar
- Ms Fragile
- The Easily Insulted
- The Instigator
- And Other Favorites...
- The Bulldog
- The Bully
- The Blamer
- The Martyr
- Mr. Teflon
12Which One?
- Exercise 2
- With a partner, describe a DC with a difficult
personality - What was the hook?
13The Vibes
- What makes bad chemistry?
- What makes good chemistry?
14Fears
- The outcomes?
- Reactions?
- Consequences?
- The conflict?
- Social/conversational discomfort?
- ?
15Another Perspective
- Exercise 3
- With a partner, describe a difficult conversation
(DC) in which you were not the heavy - What would you have liked the heavy to have
altered in the handling of it?
16Non Verbals A Review
- Posture body language create a feeling of
involvement on your part - Appropriate body movements attention create a
productive atmosphere - Appropriate eye contact creates openness
- Calm, quiet, environmentfull attention
17The First Rule See Solutions
- We usually make two mistakes...
- We convince ourselves that there is only one
perfect (usually unattainable) solution - We convince ourselves that there is no solution
18The Second Rule Acknowledge the Difficulties
- If the conversation or subject is difficult, say
so - Its OK to say what aspect of the conversation is
difficult for you
19The Third Rule We Are Only Half of Any
Conversation
- Ultimately, we cant control how people feel or
what they think - We can only do our best
- This is both scary liberating
20Keep LightNo Stance Is Totally Intractable
- Identify the subject - this is harder than it
seems - Often we find that the difficulty is not what we
assumed it was
21Reframing
- Framing - the way a conflict is described or a
proposal is worded - Reframing - changing the way a thought is
presented, maintaining its fundamental meaning
but is more likely to support resolution
efforts... - "The art of reframing is to maintain the conflict
in all its richness but to help people look at it
in a more open-minded hopeful way --
Bernard Mayer, The Dynamics of Conflict
Resolution
22FocusPrepare an Outcome
- DCs are not casual chats
- Compartmentalize your emotions
- Emotions are not thoughts! They reflect something
important but they dont tell us what or what to
do about it - Thats what thoughts are for
23Impact
24Preparing for Outcomes Solutions
- Worksheets by Triad
- www.diffcon.com
- Reflect write
25Evaluate
What Happened? Feelings
Identity Issues
Multiple Stories Impact/Intent
Contribution
Whats my story? My intentions What did I con-tribute to the issue? What are my underlying feelings? How is my identity affected by this?
What might be her/his story? Her/his intentions? What did s/he contribute? Her/his possible feelings about this Her/his identity issues?
Difficult Conversations by D Stone, B Patton S
Heen
26Step 1 Preparation
- What happened?
- All sides, all perspectives
- What feelings
- Unspoken feelings are treacherous
- What affect on identity
- What is at stake for me about me?
- Treat your views as fallible, not as certain
-
27Step 2 Purpose Check
- What is to be accomplished?
- All sides, all perspectives
- Decide whether to have the conversation
- Is it the best way to accomplish your purpose?
- Chart costs benefits vs. have not have
28Task Relationship Value
Force the issue and sacrifice the relationship (non-learning conversation) 1 Progress and integrate the task relationship (learning conversation) 4
Leave things alone (non-learning conversation) 2 Sacrifice the task (non-learning conversation) 3
High task importance
Low task importance
Low relationship value
High relationship value
29Step 3 Compare
- Describe the problem as the difference between
your stories - Share your purposes
- Invite joint exploration of the problem
- Create a partnership environment or agreement
hold to it
30Step 4 Explore
- Listen understand
- Ask questions
- Acknowledge feelings
- Secondly, share your view
- Include thoughts on how where various stories
arose
31Step 5 Problem Solving
- Gather information
- Ask questions
- Invent options with value to each party
- Separate inventing from selection options
- Create ways to keep channels open
- Use By when? for accountability
32Separate People Problems
- Refer to a resource
- ombudsman approach
- Breath deeply
- avoid tactics that engage
- Emotional response?
- walk, take a break
33Confront or Avoid?
- The Broken Window Theory tells us to address
problems quickly... - Before incidents turn into patterns
- Before small problems become large problems
- Waiting is guaranteed to turn a molehill into a
mountain
34Types of DCs
- Bad news message
- Conflict emotion or style based
- Conflict fact or ethics based
35Bad News DCs
- Prepare practice
- Talk in private
- Come to the point quickly no preamble
- No surprises keep staff informed
- nature abhors a vacuum the recipe for gossip
36Its Usually Not Fact or Fiction
- Often several interpretations to every story
- Hidden Issues? You betcha!
- Frequently what you are arguing about is never
the actual problem
37Keep Track of the Conversation
- Get started - calmly identify the subject
- Acknowledge your own difficulties in addressing
the existing problem speak for yourself, not
for them - Ask useful questions don't assume you know
someone elses motivations or thoughts - Silence is golden allow them to speak
- Acknowledge, dont challenge their feelings
38How to Start
- "I have something Id like to discuss with you
that I think will help us work together more
effectively. - "Id like to talk about ____________ with you,
but first Id like to get your point of view. - "I need your help with what just happened. Do you
have a few minutes to talk? - "I think we have different perceptions about
____________. Id like to hear your thinking on
this. - "Id like to talk about _______________. I think
we may have different ideas on how to
__________________. - "Id like to see if we might reach a better
understanding about ___________. I really want to
hear your feelings about this share my
perspective as well."
39Feelings Before Facts
- Feelings carry more weight than facts
- Address your feelings in the dialogue be open
honest about yourself - Ask them about their feelings acknowledge them
no assumptions - Recognize, acknowledge, verbalize that feelings
matter but realize they dont necessarily
dictate actions or outcomes - Give TIME for feelings to be verbalized
40Virtual DCs
- Email? Blogs? Other media?
- Performance issues, HR conflicts are clearly not
appropriate - Use email for stating purpose, agenda, desired
outcome, time, date, place - Frame all issues as a shared responsibility to
understand address - Practice ambulance writing
41Virtual DCs II
- Videoconferences?
- Offset time distance
- Place cameras for tight view with good front
lighting - Telebehavioral health findings the Remote
Control effect - Recording ethics
42Summary
- Prepare (use templates)
- Practice
- Just Do It
- Reflect on Outcomes
43What Will You Try
- Exercise 5
- On your notes, write the following
- What one new idea or new perspective on an old
idea occurred to you? - What one idea will you agree to implement in the
next 7 days?
44Discussion, Questions, Observations...
45For More Informationwww.transitionmanagement.us
consultation_at_transitionmanagement.usmrydesky_at_ya
hoo.com
46Resources
- Crucial Confrontations (Patterson, 2004)
- Crucial Conversations (Patterson, 2002)
- Difficult Conversations (Stone, 2000)
- http//www.crucialconfrontations.com
- http//www/diffcon.com
- http//www.nationwide.com
47Mary M Rydesky, MLS, MBA
- Mary M. Rydesky has experience in for-profit,
not-for-profit, voluntary, academic, and
healthcare sectors as well as small business
entrepreneurship. She has operational,
consulting, and clinical backgrounds,
specializing in knowledge management systems,
planning and operations, organizational
development, and distance learning. Her
perspective as an HR professional has proven
beneficial to clients and employers whose goals
include sustainability through quality
improvement, customer satisfaction, internal
communications, and procedural efficiency. - As Human Resources Director for a
telecommunications research firm, Ms. Rydesky
directed three massive reductions in workforce
truly, a setting for difficult conversations! Her
experience as a manager with expertise in
organizational development and personal mentoring
has yielded comparatively positive situations
but even in better times, talking about change
can be challenging. - Ms. Rydesky operates Transition Management
Consulting, established in 1975, with offices in
Anchorage and Dallas. Transition Management has
served clients whose businesses or careers are
experiencing change. Visit www.transitionmanagemen
t.us for additional information or to contact her
there following todays presentation entitled
Human Resources Difficult Conversations.
Contact mrydesky_at_yahoo.com