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Difficult Conversations

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Title: Difficult Conversations


1
Difficult Conversations
2009 Presented by Mary M. Rydesky Transition
Management Consulting
2
Disagreements, poorly handled, lead to poor
decisions, strained relationships, eventually
to disastrous results.
K Patterson, et al
3
(No Transcript)
4
What Makes Conversations Difficult
  • DCs are difficult for diverse reasons are
    affected by the social power positions of those
    engaged
  • The difficulty factor rises when we
  • Assume that the other person thinks, or feels,
    what we think/feel
  • Make assumptions about motivation

5
What Drew You Here?
  • Exercise 1
  • With a partner, describe a situation that
    required or involved you in a difficult
    conversation (DC)
  • What would you have liked to have known then?

6
Your Experience
  • When have you experienced a DC?
  • Recall where (setting)
  • Recall issue
  • Recall your role
  • Recall emotions thoughts

7
Difficult Subjects
  • ?
  • ?

8
Difficult Settings
  • ?
  • ?

9
Difficult Roles
  • Professional roles?
  • What roles?
  • Personal roles?
  • In what way?

10
Personalities
  • Traits? Habits? Responses?
  • What makes someone difficult?

11
Difficult Personalities
  • Have you met
  • The Liar
  • Ms Fragile
  • The Easily Insulted
  • The Instigator
  • And Other Favorites...
  • The Bulldog
  • The Bully
  • The Blamer
  • The Martyr
  • Mr. Teflon

12
Which One?
  • Exercise 2
  • With a partner, describe a DC with a difficult
    personality
  • What was the hook?

13
The Vibes
  • What makes bad chemistry?
  • What makes good chemistry?

14
Fears
  • The outcomes?
  • Reactions?
  • Consequences?
  • The conflict?
  • Social/conversational discomfort?
  • ?

15
Another Perspective
  • Exercise 3
  • With a partner, describe a difficult conversation
    (DC) in which you were not the heavy
  • What would you have liked the heavy to have
    altered in the handling of it?

16
Non Verbals A Review
  • Posture body language create a feeling of
    involvement on your part
  • Appropriate body movements attention create a
    productive atmosphere
  • Appropriate eye contact creates openness
  • Calm, quiet, environmentfull attention

17
The First Rule See Solutions
  • We usually make two mistakes...
  • We convince ourselves that there is only one
    perfect (usually unattainable) solution
  • We convince ourselves that there is no solution

18
The Second Rule Acknowledge the Difficulties
  • If the conversation or subject is difficult, say
    so
  • Its OK to say what aspect of the conversation is
    difficult for you

19
The Third Rule We Are Only Half of Any
Conversation
  • Ultimately, we cant control how people feel or
    what they think
  • We can only do our best
  • This is both scary liberating

20
Keep LightNo Stance Is Totally Intractable
  • Identify the subject - this is harder than it
    seems
  • Often we find that the difficulty is not what we
    assumed it was

21
Reframing
  • Framing - the way a conflict is described or a
    proposal is worded
  • Reframing - changing the way a thought is
    presented, maintaining its fundamental meaning
    but is more likely to support resolution
    efforts...
  • "The art of reframing is to maintain the conflict
    in all its richness but to help people look at it
    in a more open-minded hopeful way --
    Bernard Mayer, The Dynamics of Conflict
    Resolution

22
FocusPrepare an Outcome
  • DCs are not casual chats
  • Compartmentalize your emotions
  • Emotions are not thoughts! They reflect something
    important but they dont tell us what or what to
    do about it
  • Thats what thoughts are for

23
Impact
24
Preparing for Outcomes Solutions
  • Worksheets by Triad
  • www.diffcon.com
  • Reflect write

25
Evaluate
What Happened? Feelings
Identity Issues
Multiple Stories Impact/Intent
Contribution
Whats my story? My intentions What did I con-tribute to the issue? What are my underlying feelings? How is my identity affected by this?
What might be her/his story? Her/his intentions? What did s/he contribute? Her/his possible feelings about this Her/his identity issues?
Difficult Conversations by D Stone, B Patton S
Heen
26
Step 1 Preparation
  • What happened?
  • All sides, all perspectives
  • What feelings
  • Unspoken feelings are treacherous
  • What affect on identity
  • What is at stake for me about me?
  • Treat your views as fallible, not as certain

27
Step 2 Purpose Check
  • What is to be accomplished?
  • All sides, all perspectives
  • Decide whether to have the conversation
  • Is it the best way to accomplish your purpose?
  • Chart costs benefits vs. have not have

28
Task Relationship Value
Force the issue and sacrifice the relationship (non-learning conversation) 1 Progress and integrate the task relationship (learning conversation) 4
Leave things alone (non-learning conversation) 2 Sacrifice the task (non-learning conversation) 3
High task importance
Low task importance
Low relationship value
High relationship value
29
Step 3 Compare
  • Describe the problem as the difference between
    your stories
  • Share your purposes
  • Invite joint exploration of the problem
  • Create a partnership environment or agreement
    hold to it

30
Step 4 Explore
  • Listen understand
  • Ask questions
  • Acknowledge feelings
  • Secondly, share your view
  • Include thoughts on how where various stories
    arose

31
Step 5 Problem Solving
  • Gather information
  • Ask questions
  • Invent options with value to each party
  • Separate inventing from selection options
  • Create ways to keep channels open
  • Use By when? for accountability

32
Separate People Problems
  • Refer to a resource
  • ombudsman approach
  • Breath deeply
  • avoid tactics that engage
  • Emotional response?
  • walk, take a break

33
Confront or Avoid?
  • The Broken Window Theory tells us to address
    problems quickly...
  • Before incidents turn into patterns
  • Before small problems become large problems
  • Waiting is guaranteed to turn a molehill into a
    mountain

34
Types of DCs
  • Bad news message
  • Conflict emotion or style based
  • Conflict fact or ethics based

35
Bad News DCs
  • Prepare practice
  • Talk in private
  • Come to the point quickly no preamble
  • No surprises keep staff informed
  • nature abhors a vacuum the recipe for gossip

36
Its Usually Not Fact or Fiction
  • Often several interpretations to every story
  • Hidden Issues? You betcha!
  • Frequently what you are arguing about is never
    the actual problem

37
Keep Track of the Conversation
  • Get started - calmly identify the subject
  • Acknowledge your own difficulties in addressing
    the existing problem speak for yourself, not
    for them
  • Ask useful questions don't assume you know
    someone elses motivations or thoughts
  • Silence is golden allow them to speak
  • Acknowledge, dont challenge their feelings

38
How to Start
  • "I have something Id like to discuss with you
    that I think will help us work together more
    effectively.
  • "Id like to talk about ____________ with you,
    but first Id like to get your point of view.
  • "I need your help with what just happened. Do you
    have a few minutes to talk?
  • "I think we have different perceptions about
    ____________. Id like to hear your thinking on
    this.
  • "Id like to talk about _______________. I think
    we may have different ideas on how to
    __________________.
  • "Id like to see if we might reach a better
    understanding about ___________. I really want to
    hear your feelings about this share my
    perspective as well."

39
Feelings Before Facts
  • Feelings carry more weight than facts
  • Address your feelings in the dialogue be open
    honest about yourself
  • Ask them about their feelings acknowledge them
    no assumptions
  • Recognize, acknowledge, verbalize that feelings
    matter but realize they dont necessarily
    dictate actions or outcomes
  • Give TIME for feelings to be verbalized

40
Virtual DCs
  • Email? Blogs? Other media?
  • Performance issues, HR conflicts are clearly not
    appropriate
  • Use email for stating purpose, agenda, desired
    outcome, time, date, place
  • Frame all issues as a shared responsibility to
    understand address
  • Practice ambulance writing

41
Virtual DCs II
  • Videoconferences?
  • Offset time distance
  • Place cameras for tight view with good front
    lighting
  • Telebehavioral health findings the Remote
    Control effect
  • Recording ethics

42
Summary
  • Prepare (use templates)
  • Practice
  • Just Do It
  • Reflect on Outcomes

43
What Will You Try
  • Exercise 5
  • On your notes, write the following
  • What one new idea or new perspective on an old
    idea occurred to you?
  • What one idea will you agree to implement in the
    next 7 days?

44
Discussion, Questions, Observations...
45
For More Informationwww.transitionmanagement.us
consultation_at_transitionmanagement.usmrydesky_at_ya
hoo.com
46
Resources
  • Crucial Confrontations (Patterson, 2004)
  • Crucial Conversations (Patterson, 2002)
  • Difficult Conversations (Stone, 2000)
  • http//www.crucialconfrontations.com
  • http//www/diffcon.com
  • http//www.nationwide.com

47
Mary M Rydesky, MLS, MBA
  • Mary M. Rydesky has experience in for-profit,
    not-for-profit, voluntary, academic, and
    healthcare sectors as well as small business
    entrepreneurship. She has operational,
    consulting, and clinical backgrounds,
    specializing in knowledge management systems,
    planning and operations, organizational
    development, and distance learning. Her
    perspective as an HR professional has proven
    beneficial to clients and employers whose goals
    include sustainability through quality
    improvement, customer satisfaction, internal
    communications, and procedural efficiency.
  • As Human Resources Director for a
    telecommunications research firm, Ms. Rydesky
    directed three massive reductions in workforce
    truly, a setting for difficult conversations! Her
    experience as a manager with expertise in
    organizational development and personal mentoring
    has yielded comparatively positive situations
    but even in better times, talking about change
    can be challenging.
  •  Ms. Rydesky operates Transition Management
    Consulting, established in 1975, with offices in
    Anchorage and Dallas. Transition Management has
    served clients whose businesses or careers are
    experiencing change. Visit www.transitionmanagemen
    t.us for additional information or to contact her
    there following todays presentation entitled
    Human Resources Difficult Conversations.
    Contact mrydesky_at_yahoo.com
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