Repentance and Forgiveness

1
Repentance and Forgiveness

• Successful marriages and families are established
  and maintained on principles of faith, prayer,
  repentance, forgiveness, respect, love,
  compassion, work, and wholesome recreational
  activities.
• Proclamation, 7

Forgiveness is the miraculous ingredient that
assures harmony and love in the home
Spencer W. Kimball Miracle of Forgiveness,
p. 275
2
Damage and Repair in Relationships

• Damage is inevitable
• To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love
  anything and your heart will certainly be wrung
  and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of
  keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no
  one, not even an animal. Wrap it up carefully
  round with hobbies and little luxuries avoid all
  entanglements lock it up safe in the casket or
  coffin of your selfishness. But in that
  casketsafe, dark, motionless, airlessit will
  change. It will not be broken it will become
  unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. C. S.
  Lewis (Four Loves, p. 121)
• For all have sinned, and come short of the glory
  of God Rom. 3 23
• Offences are innumerable
• And finally, I cannot tell you all the things
  whereby ye may commit sin for there are divers
  ways and means, even so many that I cannot number
  them. Mosiah 4 29
• Little/big intentional/unintentional
  commission/omission know/unknown
• The greatest of all faults is to be conscious of
  none. Carlyle

3
Damage and Repair in Relationships

• Offense implies a relationship
• Every sin offends Father in Heaven
• Exaltation is by familyall personal
  imperfections affect family Spiritual
  perspective on repentance leads us to understand
  that we change for the ones we love as well as
  for ourselvesThis moral imperative for change
  may be relatively lacking in a secular
  perspective, while in a spiritual/gospel
  perspective, it is central. Text, p.
  154-55
• At-one-ment
• Commandment to be one requires reconciliation
• Reconciliation with earthly family
  priorityTherefore, if ye shall come unto me, or
  shall desire to come unto me, and rememberest
  that thy brother hath aught against theeGo thy
  way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to
  thy brother, and then come unto me with full
  purpose of heart, and I will receive
  you. 3 Nephi 1223-24

4
Understanding Reconciliation
Offence
Repentance
Forgiveness
Reconciliation
UsFamily
Family, GodUs

• Does not always mean total restoration of mortal
  relationships, but we are always required to do
  our part

5
Understanding Repentance

• Change for the better is essential to progress,
  progress is part of relationship joy
• You cant change others, only yourself
• Each of you is likely to carry into the next
  marriage all the weaknesses and sins and errors
  you have now, unless you repent and transform.
  And if you will change your life for a new
  spouse, why not for the present one?
  Spencer W. Kimball Miracle of Forgiveness, p
  271
• You cant even see others imperfections clearly
  until youre perfect (mote/beam)
• What might be obstacles?
• Pride, Rationalization (Self Betrayal)
  Rationalization is the bringing of ideals down
  to the level of ones conduct. Repentance is the
  bringing of ones conduct up to the level of his
  ideals.

6
Requirements of RepentanceAlan Bergin Model
Text , Box 11.1

• Self-Confrontation
• Experience Guilt
• Feel Sorrow Remorse
• Confess (as necessary)
• Accept consequences
• Self-Control
• Forsake Violation
• Learn Self-regulation
• Adopt New Lifestyle
• Self-Sacrifice
• Make Restitution
• Offer Reconciliation
• Restore Losses
• Forgive Others

7
The Confession Part of Repentance

• Not just about revealing, but about sharing
  burdens
• Part of reconciliation
• Acknowledge damage to relationships with
  individual, God, Church

"Fathers, not only do you have the right to know
the worthiness of your children, you have the
responsibility. It is your duty to know how your
children are doing with regards to their
spiritual well-being and progression... Too often
our bishops have to instruct youth to talk to
their parents about problems they are having.
That procedure should actually flow the other
direction. Parents should be so intimately aware
of what is going on in their childrens lives
that they know about the problems before the
bishop does. They should be counseling with their
children and going with them to their bishops if
that becomes necessary for complete repentance."
M. Russell Ballard The Greatest
Generation of Missionaries, Ensign, Nov. 2002, 46
8
The Forgiveness Part of Repentance

• Self
• Others
• My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion
  against one another and forgave not one another
  in their hearts and for this evil they were
  afflicted and sorely chastened.Wherefore, I say
  unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another
  for he that forgiveth not his brother or sister
  his trespasses standeth condemned before the
  Lord for there remaineth in him or her the
  greater sin.I, the Lord, will forgive whom I
  will forgive, but of you it is required to
  forgive all men.And ye ought to say in your
  hearts let God judge between me and thee, and
  reward thee according to thy deeds. DC
  648-11

9
Understanding Forgiveness

• What it IS Qualitatively Quantitatively
• And be ye kind to one another, tenderhearted,
  forgiving one another, even as God for Christs
  sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 432
• For behold, if a man being evil giveth a gift,
  he doeth it grudgingly wherefore it is counted
  unto him the same as if he had retained the gift
  wherefore it is counted evil before God. Moroni
  78
• How oft shall my family member sin against me,
  and I forgive him or her? Till seven times?
  Jesus saith unto us, I say not unto thee,
  until seven times but until seventy times
  seven. Matthew 18 21-22
• Forgiveness is not an act, but a way of life.
  Text, p. 161
• What it ISNT Ignoring and moving on, Excusing
  and tolerating evil
• Without the kind of forgiveness that stems from
  the Atonement--that pays the demands of justice
  and fully heals all family members--there is no
  eternal family. Living families petrify and
  hearts turn to stone under the gradually
  accumulating layers of hurt and pain over the
  years. Text, p. 155

10
Requirements of ForgivenessWalton Model

• Name Offence, Recognize Consequences
• What and why offensive
• Disclose
• To a confidant or therapist (prayer!)
• Prevent
• Take responsibility to protect against future
  harm
• Restore Lost Order
• Take care of what you can on your side
• Envision Freedom
• See what life will be, believe in it, do it

11
The Acceptance Part of Forgiveness

• Accept person, not sin
• Accept reality and loss
• You may feel grief in your marriage in the areas
  where reality is less than the ideal that you
  carry within your head. Part of productive
  grieving is accepting the loss, and part of
  accepting the loss includes accepting your mate
  for who he or she is When your mate is not
  exactly who you thought he or she was when he
  or she said , "I do," you have a choice. You
  can be resentful and punish him or her for
  changing your dream, or you can become more
  acceptingIt requires patience, contentment with
  what is, and an active commitment to
  forgivenessforgiveness for who your mate is not,
  including real sins and the garden variety
  failures to live up to your dreams.
  Scott Stanley The Heart of Commitment

12
Afflictions Borne of Unforgiving Hearts
There are two courses of action to follow when
one is bitten by a rattlesnake. One may, in
anger, fear, or vengefulness, pursue the creature
and kill it. Or he may make full haste to get the
venom out of his systemIf we pursue the latter
course we will likely survive, but if we attempt
to follow the former, we may not be around long
enough to finish it. President Brigham
Young

• Health professionals point to headaches,
  abdominal pains, ulcers, gastritis, and irritable
  bowel
• Higher levels of anger, hostility, and other
  stress responses related to cardiovascular
  disease depression (Neumann Chi, 1993
  Freedman and Enright, 1996 Markman, Stanley,
  Blumberg, 1994 others in text)
• Missed benefits include happier marriages, (more
  trust, positive emotion, closeness, commitment,
  stability, longevity), better emotional/physical
  health (see text references)

13
Six Steps to Reconciliation(Worthington
Drinkard, 2000, Journal of Marital and Family
Therapy)

1. Decide whether to reconcile.In cases of abuse it
   may be ill-advised.
2. Use softness.Avoid hardening our defenses to
   avoid being hurt furthergive other benefit of
   doubt, allow recognition of own part and
   apologize.
3. Forgive. Hold on to forgivenessrecall may come,
   but dont let it stay
4. Reverse the negative cascade. Recall the good
   times, focus on the positive, engage in loving
   behaviors toward that person
5. Deal with failures in trustworthiness.Adopt
   attitude of gratitude (notice person trying to
   be good) and attitude of latitude (toward
   others imperfections).
6. Actively build love 51 positivity/negativity,
   work on langues of love

14
In Your Own Family

• Think of a family member who hath aught against
  you, or who you hath aught against. This is,
  someone who is upset with you (or you with
  her/him), who feels distant from you (or you from
  him/her), or who has hurt you in some way (or you
  her/him), that is, with whom there is a lack of
  unity and harmony for whatever reason. Write
  what specific things you can do to become one
  with this person through repentance/forgiveness/re
  conciliation. Ask
• What is the most significant personal obstacle to
  my ability to actively repent or forgive this
  family member?
• What can I do to draw strength from the Lord and
  inspiration and courage from my own forgiven-ness
  to overcome this obstacle?
• What would be the best way to express my apology
  or forgiveness to this family member?