Crucial Conversations

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Crucial Conversations
Crucial Conversations
Key Concepts
Pat Seigler
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Objectives

• Be Able to Define What a Crucial Conversation is.
• Know Your Style Under Stress
• Have a Basic Understanding of the Crucial
  Conversations Course

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The Problem

• Projects Fail
• People Are Afraid to Speak Up
• Environment isnt Safe to Speak Up
• We Cant Talk Without People Taking it Personally
  or Shutting Down

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When We Dont Communicate..
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Shuttle Columbia Crew
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Tyler, Texas Feb. 1, 2003
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New York Times, Dec. 30, 2008
The impact of the foam was obvious in videos
taken at launching, and during the Columbias
16-day mission, NASA engineers pleaded with
mission managers to examine the wing to see if
the blow had caused serious damage. The managers,
however, held firm to the then-common belief that
foam strikes were relatively harmless and
constituted a maintenance problem, not a fatal
risk.
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New York Times, Dec. 30, 2008
In a scathing report issued in August 2003, an
investigative board later found that a broken
safety culture at the National Aeronautics and
Space Administration was largely responsible for
the deaths. It criticized managers as complacent
and too tightly focused on scheduling and
budgetary pressures.
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Silence Fails 5 Common Issues

1. Fact-free planning
2. Absent Without Leave (AWOL) sponsors
3. Skirting
4. Project Chicken
5. Team Failures

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What Can We Do?
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Crucial Conversations
The Principles of Crucial Conversations
Get Unstuck How to spot the conversations
that are keeping you from what you want. Start
with Heart How to stay focused on what you
really want. Learn to Look How to notice
when safety is at risk. Make it Safe How to
make it safe to talk about almost
anything. Master My Stories How to stay in
dialogue when youre angry, scared, or
hurt. STATE My Path How to speak
persuasively, not abrasively. Explore Others
Paths How to listen when others blow up or
clam up. Move to Action How to turn crucial
conversations into action and results.
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Get Unstuck
How to Spot the Conversations That are Keeping
You From What You Want
The Problem Were all stuck not achieving what
we want in a variety of
areas, ranging from awkward or failing
relationships to dysfunctional teams
to performance, quality or other
problems at work.
The Solution Learn how to get to the root
cause of these and other problems.
Learn the key skills of talking,
listening and acting together
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Get Unstuck
Dialogue A discussion between 2 or more people
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Get Unstuck

• When routine conversations turn crucial we can
• respond in one of three ways
• We Can Avoid Them
• Handle Them Poorly or
• Handle Them Well

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Get Unstuck The Troubled Couple
Whats going on with these two? Why?
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Get Unstuck Cross Words
Why did the boss respond this way?
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Get Unstuck
Ideally we want to participate in a dialogue,
which is the free flow of meaning between 2 or
more people
Pool of Shared Meaning
Freely convey motives, desires
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Get Unstuck
Safety is Key
Pool of Shared Meaning
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Get Unstuck
Normal Response to Tough Discussions/Situations
Silence
Withdrawing Avoiding Masking
Pool of Shared Meaning
Controlling Labeling Attacking
Violence
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Get Unstuck
Normal Response to Tough Discussions/Situations
Silence
Withdrawing Avoiding Masking
Pool of Shared Meaning
When it matters the most, we do the worst
Emotions lead us astray
Controlling Labeling Attacking
Violence
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Get Unstuck
Silence
Withdrawing Avoiding Masking
Pool of Shared Meaning
Pool of Shared Meaning
Controlling Labeling Attacking
Violence
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Get Unstuck Group Discussion

• When it comes to your organization,
• where are you stuck? What do people
• gripe about? What do people complain
• about when they go home?
• What are the problems people are always
• trying to fix?

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Get Unstuck
Think CPR
Content If dealing with a problem for the
first time, it makes sense to talk about
the content. You missed the
deadline. Pattern (or Process) If the
problem continues, youll want to talk about the
pattern. Relationship If the problem is
harming your overall relationship, thats what
youll want to discuss.
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Start With Heart

• How to Stay Focused on
• What You Really Want

The Problem The first thing that degrades
during a crucial
conversation in not our behavior, but
our motive.
The Solution Learn how to stay focused on what
you really want, and
get better results.
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Start With Heart

• Three heart problems
• We Become Blind to our Own Role in the Problem
• Our Motives Degrade
• We Limit Our Choices
• When we take responsibility for our own
• behaviors, we also take control of our lives.
• Its the first Habit of the 7 Habits of Highly
• Effective PeopleBe Proactive

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Foundation Be Proactive
Be Proactive
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Start With Heart

• There are 2 ways we can kick-start our thinking
• and work on ourselves
• Ask what you really want.
• Avoid the Suckers Choice

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Start With Heart
What Am I Acting Like I Want?
Unhealthy Goals
Goals of Dialogue
Learn Find the truth Produce results Strengthen
relationships
Be right Look good/save face Keep the
peace Win Punish, blame Avoid conflict
Are you listening to reply?
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Start With Heart

• Avoid the Suckers Choice Search for the elusive
  and
• Clarify what you want
• Clarify what you really dont want
• Combine the two into an and question that
  forces you
• to search for more creative and productive
  options
• than silence or violence.
• (Dont choose between two bad choices)

Example How can I have a candid conversation
with my supervisor about
unrealistic goals and avoid creating bad feelings
or wasting our time?
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Start With Heart
What had to change in Ricks attitude in order
for him to make this change?
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Learn to Look

• How to Notice When
• Safety is at Risk

The Problem When a conversation turns crucial,
we either miss or
misinterpret the early warning signs.
The Solution The sooner we notice were not in
dialogue, the quicker
we can get back to dialogue and the lower
the cost.
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Learn to Look

• Learn to Spot Crucial Conversations
• Watch for physical signals. (stomach tightening)
• Notice your emotions. (feelings of anger)
• Watch the behavioral signs. (raised voice)

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Learn to Look

• Look for Safety Problems
• Silence
• Violence

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Learn to Look
Silence
Withdrawing Avoiding Masking
Pool of Shared Meaning
Pool of Shared Meaning
Controlling Labeling Attacking
Violence
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Learn to Look

• Silence
• Any act to purposefully withhold information from
• the pool of meaning.
• Masking
• Understating or selectively showing our true
• opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating and
  couching.
• Avoiding
• Completely staying away from sensitive
  subjects.
• Withdrawing
• Pulling out of communication completely.

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Learn to Look

• Violence
• Any action to compel others toward your point of
  view.
• Controlling
• Coercing others through how we share our views
• or drive the conversation itself.
• Labeling
• Putting a label on people or ideas so we can
  dismiss
• them under a general stereotype or category.
• Attacking
• Resorting to abusive tactics belittling,
  name-calling and
• threatening.

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Learn to Look
Which forms of Silence and Violence can you spot?
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Learn to Look
Did you find all of them?
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Learn to Look
Learn Your Style Under Stress
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Learn to Look Group Discussion

• What do you think is your teams
• Style Under Stress?
• Do you tend toward dialogue, silence
• or violence?

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Make it Safe

• How to Make it Safe to
• Talk about Almost Anything

The Problem When things go wrong in crucial
conversations we assume
the content of the message is the
problem, so we begin to water it down
or avoid it altogether.
The Solution You cant be too honest. If you
learn how to make it
safe, you can talk to almost anyone about almost
anything.
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Make it Safe

• How can you make it safe?
• Step out of the content
• Rebuild safety
• You care about their interests and goals
• You care about them
• Then step back in

Its all about Mutual Purpose and Mutual
Respect
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Make it Safe

• Mutual Purpose Must Have Common Objectives
• Dialogue cant begin until we have mutual purpose
• Without mutual purpose people withhold meaning
• Mutual purpose is the foundation of trust
• Build mutual purpose
• But, dont back off on content.

Trust is key for organizational excellence
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Make it Safe
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Make it Safe
Mutual Respect

• Respect is like air. You dont think about
• it until its gone. Once its gone its all
• you think about.

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Make it Safe

• Two Skills to Make it Safe
• Apologize when appropriate
• Be sincere!
• Contrast to fix misunderstandings
• Dont/Do statement
• Address others conclusions that you dont
  respect them
• Or that you have malicious purpose (the dont
  part)
• Confirm your respect or clarify your real purpose
  (the do part)

Clarify by Contrasting
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Make it Safe
What 2 things does Marc do to help restore safety?
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Master My Stories

• How to Stay in Dialogue When
• Youre Angry, Scared, or Hurt

The Problem When it matters the most and our
emotions kick in. we
often do our worst and we feel like were doing
the right thing.
The Solution Learn how to create emotions that
make you want to return
to healthy dialogue.
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Master My Stories

• Emotions dont just happen
• Others dont make you mad,
• you make you mad! You and
• only you create your emotions.
• When it comes to strong emotions,
• you either find a way to master
• them or fall hostage to them.

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Master My Stories Path to Action
Stories create Feelings
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Master My Stories Path to Action
Master Your Stories- The Power to Choose Your
Response
The Power to Choose
Stimulus
Response
The Tools
Notice Your Behavior Get in Touch With Your
Feelings Analyze Your Stories Get Back to the
Facts Watch for the 3 Stories
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Master My Stories

• The 3 Stories To Watch For
• Victim Stories Its not my fault
• Villain Stories Its all your fault
• Helpless Stories Theres nothing I can do

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Master My Stories

• Tell the Rest of the Story
• Tell a useful story.
• Am I pretending not to notice my role in the
  problem?
• Why would a reasonable, rational and decent
• person do what this person is doing?

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Master My Stories
What happens to them as they tell the rest of the
story?
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Master My Stories Group Exercise
What stories do you tell about your
organizational partners when youre frustrated
or upset at something that has occurred? Dont
sugarcoat your stories! Whats a better way to
respond?
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STATE My Path

• How to Speak Persuasively,
• Not Abrasively

The Problem During crucial conversations we say
things in exactly the
wrong way.
The Solution Learn the five skills for saying
risky things in a way
that minimizes defensiveness.
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STATE My Path

• Learn 5 Skills for Saying Risky Things in a Way
• That Minimizes Defensiveness

Express your views in ways that maintain or build
safety
Confident
Humble
Strike A Balance
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STATE My Path

• STATE My Path
• Share your facts
• Tell your story
• Ask for others paths
• Talk tentatively
• Encourage testing

What skills
How skills (How meaning should be shared)
Remember Maintain Safety!
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STATE My Path
What elements does she use? How does this affect
the conversation?
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Explore Others Paths

• How to Listen When Others
• Blow Up or Clam Up

The Problem Others have moved to either silence
or violence, and your
about to join them.
The Solution Learn how to help others leave
silence and violence
behind and join you in dialogue while keeping
yourself from becoming
upset or defensive.
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Explore Others Paths

• When others move to silence or violence, if we
  dont
• get to the source of their feelings,
• we suffer the effects of their feelings.

What do we mean by this?
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Explore Others Paths

• Start with Heart Get Ready to Listen
• Be willing to listen
• Seek the truth (why do you believe that?)
• Be sincere
• Be curious
• Stay curious
• Be patient (it may take awhile for emotions to
  calm)

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Explore Others Paths
Encourage Others to Retrace Their Path
Break the Emotional Cycle Get to the root Curb
your own emotions Get to the facts AMPP to help
you
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Explore Others Paths
AMPP

• Ask to get things rolling
• Mirror to confirm feelings
• Paraphrase to acknowledge the story
• Prime when youre getting nowhere

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Explore Others Paths
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Move to Action

• How to Turn Crucial Conversations
• Into Action and Results

The Problem When we finish off a crucial
conversation, we often
create a whole new set of problems by not ending
well.
The Solution Learn how to move from talking to
achieving the results
weve been after all along.
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Move to Action
Dialogue is Not Decision Making!
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Move to Action
Decide How To Decide!

• Command one person decides without others
• involvement
• Consult Everyone gives input, then a subset
• of one or more makes the
  decision
• (modified version key stakeholders
• give input)
• Vote All have a voice, but the majority rules
• Consensus Everyone must agree

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Move to Action

• Four Important Questions
• Who Cares? Who genuinely wants to be involved.
• Who Knows? Who has the expertise to make the
• decision.
• Who Must Agree? Authority or influence issues
• How Many People is it Worth Involving? Involve
• the fewest people
  possible.

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Move to Action

• Making Assignments Putting Decisions to Action
• Who?
• Does What?
• By When?
• Whats the follow up?

Document Your Work
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Move to Action
Why is it important that he does this?
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Crucial Conversations
The Principles of Crucial Conversations
Get Unstuck How to spot the conversations
that are keeping you from what you want. Start
with Heart How to stay focused on what you
really want. Learn to Look How to notice
when safety is at risk. Make it Safe How to
make it safe to talk about almost
anything. Master My Stories How to stay in
dialogue when youre angry, scared, or
hurt. STATE My Path How to speak
persuasively, not abrasively. Explore Others
Paths How to listen when others blow up or
clam up. Move to Action How to turn crucial
conversations into action and results.