Repartnering with Children Introduction

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Repartnering with ChildrenIntroduction

• Daniela Zimmermann,
• Training Manager

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What's in a name Stepfamilies or

• Blended families
• Repartnered families
• Instant families
• Cohabitating families
• Patchwork families
• Synergistic families
• Reconstituted families
• Reorganised families
• Combined families

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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Stepfamily Myths

• Love always develops between the stepchild and
  the stepparent.
• Children of divorce and remarriage are forever
  damaged by losses and changes.
• All stepfamily members will, given time, like or
  love each other.
• Relating to children is the same whether they are
  biological children or stepchildren.
• Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more
  easily if the non-residential biological parent
  withdraws from contact.

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
4
Stepfamily Definition

• A stepfamily is a partnership with at least one
  adult having a child or children from a previous
  relationship.
• The adult relationship can be formal or informal
  eg. through marriage
• The adults can live together or in two separate
  households
• Children can live in the household full time,
  visit on a regular basis or be absent most or
  all of the time

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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Contemporary Families
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Stepfamily Statistics

• The ABS (2007) reports the current proportion of
  stepfamilies as 10.6 a 35 increase over 10
  years from 7 in 1996 (ABS 1998)
• SAVI, however, believes that if excluded
  part-time and non-resident families were taken
  into consideration, the estimate would be much
  higher

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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Stepfamily Statistics

• Couples in both step (56) and blended families
  (39) were more likely than those in intact
  (official language) families (8) to be in a de
  facto marriage (ABS 2003)
• No regular records exist of the breakdown of de
  facto relationships, nor of the breakdown of
  second marriages, since the Family Court stopped
  collecting statistics of second divorces in 1994.

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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Stepfamily Complexities

• No blood ties,
• born out of loss
• adult child relationship predates couple
  relationship
• unclear boundaries
• sexuality can be heightened
• grieving process or emotional separation might
  not be finalized

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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Stepfamily Architecture
Possible additional Issues Drugs Alcohol Domestic
Violence Financial Problems Sexual
Abuse Disabilities Mental Health Housing Unemploym
ent etc.
Nuclear Family
Stepfamily
?
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Stepfamilies, a developmental model compared to a
deficit model

• Grief matters Born out of loss
• Biology matters Intimate strangers
• Timing matter Parent/Child relationship
  predates couple relationship
• History matter 2 cultures collide

?
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Stepfamily Stages

• ? Honeymoon / Fantasy
• ? Confusion
• ? Chaos
• ? Stability
• ? Commitment

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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Grief and Loss in Stepfamilies

• Loss of the idea of previous relationship will be
  happy ever after
• Loss through death of partner and parent
• Loss of familiar school, house, friends by moving
• Potential loss of extended family
• Emotional separation might not be finalized

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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Differences in Parenting Roles in Stepfamilies

• The Step/Biological Feedback Loop
• Biological Parent Stepparent
• Too soft Too harsh
• Easily manipulated Too critical
• Too accommodating Old fashioned parenting
  ideas
• A push over Always on stepchildren's
  backs
• Spoils children Doesnt know
  and understand stepchild/ren

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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Stepfamily Dynamicsaffecting Children in
Stepfamilies

• Divided LoyaltiesIf I like my stepmother, Im
  disloyal to my mum
• Contact with both biological parentsEx-spouses
  are part of new stepfamily
• New relationship with StepparentNo shared
  history with stepparent
• Different coping strategies to change eg.
  aggression, depression, school refusal
• Losing position in family eg. oldest, youngest

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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versus
The negative impact on children by conflicting
parents will have much more lasting damage than
whether children eat sugar cereal or not.
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Children in the middle

• Brainwashing or debriefing?

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Childrens Behaviour

• Behaviour
• Feelings
• Thoughts

Physiological symptoms
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What should be avoided in Stepfamilies

• Over disciplining stepchildren
• Under disciplining own children
• Putting unrealistic expectations on stepfamily
  members

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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For stepfamilies to grow faster they need to
move forward more slowly
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What facilitates success in Stepfamilies

• Stepfamily Meetings
• Develop new traditions
• Develop good couple relationships
• Encourage humour and fun

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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Stepfamilies dont just have a family tree.
they have family forests
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What facilitates Success in Stepfamilies

• Biological fathers to mother more
• Stepmothers to take time out with her friends,
  work and extended family
• Minimize conflict with ex-partner

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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Success in Stepfamilies
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Contact Details

• Daniela Zimmermann
• Training Manager
• Stepfamily Association of Victoria
• www.stepfamily.org.au
• 199 Drummond Street
• Carlton VIC 3053
• Phone [phone]
• danielaz_at_stepfamily.org.au