Hunting Elephants and Stalking Rhinos from conflict to advantage John Mulligan www'breakthrough'ie

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Hunting Elephants and Stalking Rhinos - from
conflict to advantage John Mulligan
www.breakthrough.ie
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Presentation aims

• To review our approach to conflict and propose
  another way
• To introduce a learning model for dealing with
  difficult conversations/conflict
• Outline underpinning values and principles and
  how to apply them
• Take some questions on issues raised

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The Truth About Conflict in Corporations!

• The picture of the great corporation as a
  peaceful cooperative of its participants is more
  than highly improbable, it is extraordinarily
  fraudulent. It depends on a compelling
  commitment by all parties not to avoid dispute,
  conflict and hostility, but to keep them out of
  sight..
• J.K. Galbraith

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The Non-rational Behind the Formal

• The public formal and deliberate aspects of
  conflict frequently mask a more complex set of
  affective dynamics that take place informally and
  in private but that are critical to dispute
  dynamics and outcomes.
• Most conflict does not take place in discrete
  formal settings or exchanges but is lived out and
  embedded in ongoing day to day interaction

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The Conflict Iceberg
Stress
Absenteeism
In Awareness
Staff turnover
IR disagreements
Communication breakdowns
water line
Personality/ value clashes
Unethical behaviour, bullying
Hidden
Harassment, revenge, sabotage,
Betrayals, unconscious omissions
Hidden agendas, incompetence, cliques
Competitive culture Power games/ abuse
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The Cost of Conflict

• Unmanaged employee conflict is perhaps the
  largest reducible cost in organizations today
  and probably the least recognized. It is
  estimated that over 65 of performance problems
  result from strained relationships between
  employees not from deficits in individual
  employees' skill or motivation.

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Cost of Conflict contd.

• A study of practicing managers ("Managers as
  Negotiators" by Carol Watson and Richard Hoffman,
  Leadership Quarterly, 7(1), 1996) showed that 42
  of their time is spent reaching agreements with
  others when conflicts occur.
• Raytheon Corporation determined that replacing an
  engineer costs 150 of his/her total annual
  compensation.

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Cost of Conflict contd.

• Exit interviews, which ascertain reasons for
  terminations, reveal that chronic unresolved
  conflict acts as a decisive factor in at least
  50 of all such departures. Conflict accounts
  for up to 90 of involuntary departures, with the
  probable exception of staff reductions due to
  downsizing and restructuring. 

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The U.K. CIPD 2007 Managing Conflict at Work

• survey report found that on average organisations
  devote more than 350 days in management time a
  year in managing disciplinary and grievance
  cases. The survey also found that employers face
  average annual costs associated with employment
  tribunal claims and hearings of 20,000.

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Fight it or face it OPP/CIPD report 2008

• Our study found that the majority of employees
  (85) have to deal with conflict to some degree
  and 29 do so always or frequently.
• In Germany this latter figure jumps to 56,
• Employees in Ireland (37) and the US(36) also
  spend a significant amount of time managing
  disputes.

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Why Elephants and Rhinos

• They are metaphors for problems which everybody
  feels and which nobody can talk about
• The elephant under the table
• The stinking rhino
• The sacred cow

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Conflict with conflict the elephant under the
table

• We fear it
• We avoid it
• We prevent it
• We repress it

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Stinking Rhino - Conflict management and
organisational culture

• Organisations mostly try to avoid, repress or
  prevent contention and conflict in order to limit
  potential damage.
• Conflict management is intimately connected to
  issues of organisational control and change
• Why such defensiveness?

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Approaches that view conflict as a danger see it
as

• a disease/ abnormality/ dysfunction/ threat
• a sign of incompetence/ immaturity
• disloyalty, insubordination/ lack of control
• something to be ashamed of/ keep hidden avoid
  exposure/ loosing face
• best avoided or suppressed
• costly and destructive
• a source of unnecessary pain and suffering
• a waste of time and energy

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Increasing reliance on formal Procedures and
Processes

• The workplace is subject to increasing
  legalisation and regulation - tends to dominate
  formal conflict processes.
• Bureaucratic policies and procedures, not the
  law, are the predominant method of social control
  within organisations.
• Most formal conflict resolution procedures are
  designed, in part, to contain conflict within the
  organisation, avoid litigation and keep the
  state/ law out of internal human resource
  management.

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Formal procedures and processes contd.

• The formal dispute resolution systems used are
  analogous to, derived from and perhaps limited by
  the legal mindset albeit an alternative to the
  legal system.
• Relatively few disputes enter the formal systems.
• The outcomes of the formal systems for all
  parties are generally poor. CIPD report suggests
  they make the situation worse.

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From defensiveness to advantage

• Lets begin to change the way we view and deal
  with conflict from -
• self-protection, prevention and repression to
  learning, renewal and productivity
• conflict with conflict to making conflict our
  ally, awakener and teacher
• From control to enhancing freedom, choice and
  creative utilisation of diversity

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Is Conflict Dysfunctional or Healthy?

• Conflict can disrupt performance, relationships
  and the health of the organisation
• Conflict is a sign of disturbance in the system
  and in itself is neither healthy or dysfunctional
• Contention and conflict are an extension of
  difference and diversity and necessary for high
  performance, innovation, growth and adaptation
• The way we handle conflict is what renders
  conflict healthy or dysfunctional

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Approaches that see conflict as an opportunity-

• See conflict as the natural growing pains of
  team/organisation
• See conflict as a gateway to growth and learning
  rather than an dysfunction or abnormality
• Are as concerned with relationship as with task
• Are more focused on inquiry than advocating own
  desired outcome or winning
• Are concerned not just to resolve the conflict
  but to transform themselves/ the team/
  organisation to a higher level of functioning
• Are concerned with how to liberate the energy
  tied up in conflict for more constructive purposes

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The value of healthy conflict

• Without constructive conflict nothing happens but
  there are limits!
• We are all too nice, nothing gets challenged,
  we skate around the tough issues, nobody stands
  up for what is important for what we say we
  value
• The ability to deal constructively with internal
  and external conflict is a sign of individual and
  organisational maturity

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Potential Benefits of Healthy Conflict

• Binds diverse groupings together
• Clarifies boundaries and role expectations
• Helps harness strong emotion/ motivations
• Prevents relationship breakdown
• Rebalances power
• Highlights exclusion/ encourages diversity
• Facilitates emergent leadership

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Potential Benefits contd.

• Expands mutual awareness/ understanding
• Develops identity and autonomy
• Creates political space/learning opportunity
• Enhances innovation/ creativity
• Facilitates organisational development/change
• Alignment of team/ organisation
• Clarifies shared vision and values

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Constructive approaches to conflict

• Relationship building
• Principled negotiation
• 3rd.party mediation
• Reparation - victim offender conferencing
• Collaborative problem-solving
• Coaching and facilitation
• Capability building
• Learning conversations
• Dialogue
• Processwork/ deep-democracy

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Lets deal with the difficult issues!

• Personal conflict involves issues that threaten
  the individuals identity or values system and
  are characterised by intensely negative
  interpersonal clashes. The types of issue
  involved in personal conflict are commonly viewed
  as non-negotiable. It is therefore much more
  difficult to deal with personal conflict than
  issue-related conflict. (CIPD 2008 Managing
  conflict at work Guide for managers)
• But why no suggestions as to how to deal with
  it????

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So how do we start?

• Clarify what we are here for
• Emphasise learning and inquiry rather than
  resolution
• Start from an appreciative base rather than a
  deficit model
• Awareness is a better basis for resolving
  conflict than rules, rights and power

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Awareness of -

• The way we see
• The way we think
• The way we feel
• The way we identify ourselves,
• The way we use our power
• The way we learn
• The way we act

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A core challenge

• How to get things done while maintaining good
  working relationships?
• Many focus on achieving task and results and
  damage relationships and trust
• Others focus on maintaining good relationships
  but fail to get things done in a timely fashion
  or at all

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Typical types of difficult conversation (Clark
Myers)

• Saying something difficult to another person
• Communicating unwelcome information
• Saying something we think goes against group
  consensus
• Retrieving a setback in interpersonal
  relationship
• Engaging with someone who will not discuss things
  with us
• Dealing with a conflict of loyalties
• Coping with being criticised
• Responding to non-verbal behaviour that bothers
  us
• Responding to pressure to go beyond what we feel
  comfortable with
• Handling a conflict of views between ourselves
  and others
• Other examples?

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What Makes Conversations Difficult? (Recurring
Factors)

• Intractability longstanding history/suffering,
  exhausted efforts to solve, unable to put painful
  baggage from past aside
• Taboo too sensitive to mention/ un-discussable
  without major blow-up
• Threat fear of critical attack/ harassment re.
  behaviour, competence, judgement
• Aggression oppressive/ intimidating manner of
  criticism, disdainful/ dismissive responses, etc.
• Evasion of issue, discussion, accountability
  using socially acceptable techniques
• Subversion efforts to derail, disrupt to avoid
  difficulties
• Incompetence limited self-awareness, sensitivity
  to others, processing and communication skills

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Recurring factors lead to

• Outbreaks of volatile negative feelings e.g.
  fear, anger, confusion, frustration, guilt,
  embarrassment, etc.
• Disruption of task and mission achievement
• Decline in performance and trust
• Communication and relationship breakdowns
• Attempts to force /coerce, sideline, marginalize,
  seek revenge, escalate, defeat opposition

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Why learning rather than resolution?

• less threatening
• can do it on your own/ together/ in group
• makes the un-discussable discussable
• does not commit you to anything you do not choose
  to do
• creates awareness and understanding
• opens up choices and possibilities for
  dissolution/ resolution/ transformation
• offers an alternative to power based methods

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Identity a barrier to learning/ sacred cow?

• Edges are the point of contact between our every
  day identity and the unknown (often appear as
  unintended verbal or non-verbal signals)
• Often experienced as dynamic moments of
  transition in which a known way of understanding
  oneself or other is disrupted and/or transformed
  by something new
• The unknown what we do not identify with - can
  be experienced as a threat during conflict
  triggering psychological defence (fight/flight/
  freeze) and a block to learning/ resolution
• Our beliefs, assumptions, attitudes structure the
  edges of our identity. Compassionate awareness
  of them can help us become more fluid in our
  response and learn better.

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Learning zone
OH HELL !!! ZONE
LEARNING ZONE
COMFORT ZONE
IN OVER OUR HEADS
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Learning as transforming our thinking and
changing our behaviour

• The way we behave and its impact is
  significantly determined by how we think/ process
  information. We can change the way we think and
  act.
• S P R O
• Where
• S Situation often mostly outside our control
• P Processing (e.g. noticing/thinking/feeling)
• R Response (internal/external behaviour)
• O Outcome (impact which becomes new S)

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Difficult conversations

• Many conversations are thinly veiled attempts to
  persuade or coerce others to agree with our view
  of reality.
• How can we raise sensitive or difficult issues in
  a way that is acceptable to all parties?
• How do we make the un-discussable discussable?

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Key aspects of our thinking that influence how we
handle difficult conversations (Clark Myers)

• Assumptions examining taken for granted beliefs
• Partnership sharing power/ decision making
• Information exchanging all relevant information

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Open or Closed to Learning?

• Assessed by 3 Interdependent Principles or values
• Questioning our assumptions/beliefs enables us
  to hear, see, and treat as significant new
  information and so expands behavioural options
• Committing to genuine partnership builds trust,
  helps understand each other, takes account of
  others interests
• Sharing all relevant information creates
  transparency, informs others of their impact,
  helps surface limiting assumptions/ beliefs

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Negative emotions alert us to unquestioned
assumptions

• What makes difficult conversations difficult is
  often the negative emotions we experience before,
  during, after the conversation
• When negative emotions are experienced this is a
  sign that assumptions need to be questioned
• Feelings needed to be attended to first not
  just obvious ones the more subtle ones are
  often key

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1 Not questioning our assumptions

• Unquestioned, often unconscious or wrong,
  assumptions/ beliefs limit our behavioural
  options
• They go unquestioned as we avoid taking on board
  information that does not fit with our personal
  taken for granted position e.g.
• screen out information that does not fit with our
  assumptions,
• discredit the speaker,
• make interpretations of information to fit our
  assumptions
• keep our assumptions hidden

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2 Not committing to genuine partnership

• Unilaterally manage/control conversation or
  relationship
• We do not check out our understanding of others
  viewpoint. E.g. dont check out meaning of
  others non-verbal signals, guess others
  feelings.
• We pursue our own agenda without reference to
  that of other person. E.g. employ secret tactics
  to gain advantage, act as if others interests
  were irrelevant, take up too much talking time
• We decide unilaterally how to protect ourselves
  and/or the other person. E.g. ignore own/others
  negative feelings, divert/stop difficult
  discussion, decide what is best for others
  without asking.

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3 Not sharing all relevant information

• We regard certain problems as no-go areas for
  discussion. E.g. avoid anything upsetting,
  embarrassing or threatening, make non-discussion
  un-discussable,
• Take for granted we/they have all the information
  needed. E.g. unaware of what we dont know, deem
  our negative feelings not relevant
• Plan to communicate information strategically.
  E.g. expediently pick and choose what information
  to share, beat about the bush, give information
  that is unverifiable or spurious

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Forms of speech Advocacy and Inquiry

• Advocacy is primarily about presenting your
  ideas, needs, concerns, values, beliefs,
  interpretations usually how you experience the
  world and how you or those you represent would
  like things to proceed.
• Inquiry is primarily about listening, gathering
  information from all available sources, finding
  out, usually about how others see or experience
  the world, their feelings, reasoning, problems
  and so on but self-discovery is also inquiry

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Open and Closed Advocacy and Inquiry
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Open to learning as reflected in inquiry

• Inquiry is genuine when
• our request for a response shows real desire to
  hear the others viewpoint
• we use forms of words that open rather than limit
  the possible responses to the question
• when we invite information that disconfirms our
  views, interpretations or beliefs
• Inquiry with advocacy is open when
• we ask questions and also give our reasons for
  asking them
• we make a request and convey that a yes or no
  answer is equally acceptable

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Open to learning as reflected in advocacy

• Advocacy is transparent when
• We state our views with sufficient background
  information and reasoning
• We give information that directly addresses the
  question
• Advocacy with inquiry is open when
• We make statements and check the others response
• We speak concisely and invite a response from the
  other person

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Balancing Advocacy and Inquiry

• Advocacy This is my world and how you deal with
  it
• Inquiry Understanding your world and how you
  deal with it
• Dialogue Co-creating a new world and how we will
  deal with it

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Advocacy and Inquiry
HI
TELLING
GENERATING
Advocacy
OBSERVING
ASKING
LO
HI
Inquiry
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Rules of Advocacy

• State your view, your reasoning and the data you
  have to support it
• Explain your assumptions
• Give examples of what you propose and what the
  impact would be
• Encourage people to explore your point of view
• Dont get defensive
• Reveal where you are least clear and ask for help
• Encourage different viewpoints

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Rules of Inquiry

• Suspend judgement
• Check facts and feelings
• Try to be specific look for examples what
  actually happened
• Ask open questions hear all voices
• Ask questions to understand. Try to discover the
  underlying assumptions, beliefs and data
• Dont interrogate or challenge
• Test for understanding by summarising and feeding
  back

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Rules of Dialogue

• Pairing advocacy and inquiry
• Pause to reflect silence is ok
• Think about what is happening to you. What are
  you feeling and why, how is this making you
  behave
• Reveal feelings, assumptions and reasoning
• Dont cut across / filibuster
• Acknowledge/ build on others contribution
• Dont rush to outcomes/ resolution

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Meta-skills before skills enabling beliefs and
attitudes

• Beginners mind following signals without
  preconception
• Open to learning - balancing advocacy with
  inquiry
• Deep democracy - all perspectives, styles and
  levels of reality are needed
• Rank awareness positive use of power and
  privilege
• Non-attachment fluidity between positions
  ability to switch taking own side, opposing side,
  neutral position
• Eldership care and compassion for all sides

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Deconstructing difficult conversationafter Stone
, Patton, HeenHarvard Negotiation Project
More elephants!
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Difficult conversations ( after Stone, et al)

• Really 4 simultaneous conversations

truth what happened?
identity whats at stake whats at risk
power how are we handling our power?
feeling how are we handling emotions?
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The what happened conversation
what happened?
truth what happened?
from
to
Exploring each others stories what is
important perceptions and interpretations of
events how they reach their conclusions
Arguing about who is right / telling the truth
Separating intent from impact Recognising
complex, multiple intentions
Assuming they meant it
Mapping contribution system Giving problem-solver
Vs. defender role
Blaming and judging
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The feelings conversation
How are we handling our emotions?
from
to
Owning, understanding, expressing emotions
letting em have it, avoiding/ passive
aggression
Language of compassion/ empathy
language of alienation/ labeling
Clarity of importance of needs, interests and
values
strength of feeling
impulsive reaction
Inquiry and considered requests
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The identity conversation whats at
risk/at stake ?
What are we identified with and protecting?
threats to 3 core identities competent, good
person, worthy of love
from
to
expanding and complexifying your identity
protecting self image
building self esteem and confidence
self rejection and self criticism
losing your balance
regaining your balance
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The power conversationRank, power our
relationship
How are we using our powers?
power balance/imbalance based on multiple sources
of power
from
to
power balancing aware/ uplifting use of rank
and power
power struggles unconscious use of power
choice power-sharing
coercion powerlessness
dependence/ independence
interdependence
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Identifying you own elephants and rhinos

• What threatens my peace, fulfilment, health,
  business?
• What conversation am I dodging/ what is the most
  pressing issue I need to address?
• Who is the most important person I need to talk
  to about this issue?
• Who am I avoiding/ what topic am I hoping they
  will not bring up?
• Who are my weakest reports/ what is my plan for
  them?
• What conversation am I avoiding having with my
  boss/colleague right now?

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Fierce Conversations (Scott)

• Interrogate reality get multiple perspectives
  on the table move beyond right and wrong to
  ground truth
• Provoke learning be willing to get real, be
  known, inquire, discover, and change
• Tackle tough challenges that will make a real
  difference, problems that you tolerate for an
  easier life/ fear of failure
• Enrich relationships through attention, mutual
  commitment, quality conversations, being real/
  authentic with each other, getting needs met

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Conversations that matter - key questions

• Full attention and interest in the inquiry is
  essential
• What is the most important thing you and I should
  be talking about?
• How/ what is it currently impacting you,
  others, business? And how do you feel about it?
• What are the implications if nothing changes in 6
  months/ a year? How would you feel then?
• How have you contributed to the issue/situation?
• What is the ideal outcome and what difference
  will it make when resolved? How do you feel?
• What is your next most potent step what are you
  committed to doing and when?

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Bibliography

• Managing Difficult Conversations at Work (2007)
  Clark, S. Myers, M. U.K Management Books 2000
  Ltd. ISBN 9781852525408
• Difficult Conversations (1999) Stone, D. Patton,
  B. Heen, S. Harmondsworth Viking Penguin ISBN
  0670883395
• Fierce Conversations (2002) Scott, Susan London
  Piatkus Books Ltd. ISBN 0749923970
• The Art of Thinking Together Field Guide (2002)
  Dialogos International unpublished workshop
  manual
• Hidden Conflict in Organisations (1992) Kolb, M.,
  Bartunek, J., (eds) California Sage
  Publications. ISBN 0-8039-4161-7

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Contact

• John Mulligan
• Breakthrough Consultancy
• Ashtown
• Roundwood
• Co. Wicklow,
• Ireland
• tel [phone]
• fax [phone]
• mobile [phone]
• email info_at_breakthrough.ie
• web www.breakthrough.ie