Guardians of Hope

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Guardians of Hope

• Helping Young Single Adults Toward Spiritual
  Maturity

Wendy Ulrich, Ph.D. Sixteen Stones Center for
Growth, LLC
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• We are watchers of a
  beacon whose light must never die

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• We are guardians of an altar midst the silence of
  the sky

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Where the rocks yield founts of courage,Struck
forth as by Thy rod.
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• For the strength of the hills
• we bless Thee,
• Our God, Our Fathers God.

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that they may grow up in thee, and receive a
fullness of the Holy Ghost, and be organized
according to thy laws, and be prepared to obtain
every needful thing - Doctrine and Covenants
10915

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Growing Up in God

• The temple tutors us in spiritual maturation
• Spiritual adulthood is based on
• Capacity to trust and attach to others
• Strong sense of personal identity
• Clarity of direction for the future
• Skill in discerning and following the Spirit
• Capacity to build happiness, engagement in life,
  and personal meaning even in struggle

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A new stage of development

• the years from 18 to 25 have become a
  distinct and separate life stage, a strange
  transitional never-never land between adolescence
  and adulthood in which people stall for a few
  extra years, postponingadult responsibility.
• Time Magazine, January 24, 2005
• cited by Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, 2006

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The path to adulthood for rejuveniles

• Before they head out to the chilly unknown, they
  fortify themselves with the comforts of home and
  the camaraderie of friends, accumulating multiple
  degrees, high-interest debt, and checkered
  romantic histories. They travel in packs of
  other not-quite-grown-ups, dipping their toes
  into one enthusiasm, romance and job after
  another. These are the job-hoppers,
  speed-daters, and the loyal viewers of Friends,
  the people who took to heart the adage, Follow
  your blisswhich has sent them unexpectedly far
  afield of most things resembling traditional
  adulthood

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• People in their 20s and 30s are
  reinterpreting the very idea of adulthood
  rejecting the notion of a life that proceeds
  neatly from one stage to the next. Its not that
  Twixters refuse to grow up theyre just growing
  up on their own terms, reshuffling, prolonging,
  and interweaving a once-predictable sequence of
  events that, until recently, could be counted on
  to usher one into a settled, stable way of
  lifeThey are on role hiatusforging a new
  sense of adulthood - one that has less to do with
  what theyve achieved than how they feel
• Christopher Noxon (2006). Rejuvenile
  Kickball, Cartoons, Cupcakes, and the Reinvetion
  of the American Grown-up.

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Average age of first marriage
U.S. Census Bureau statistics
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Educational attainment percent completing high
school
US Census Bureau statistics
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Educational attainment percent completing
college
US Census Bureau statistics
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The Quarterlife Crisis

• At its heart, an identity crisis
• Choices not narrowed by responsibilities
• Makes the vast array of decisions more difficult
  to make
• This identity crisis both a cause and an effect
  of procrastination and denial
• Robbins Wilner (2001). Quarterlife Crisis
  The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties

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Implications?

• Higher education levels prolong the in-training
  period for young adults
• Higher divorce rates may have increased
  uncertainty about the viability of marriage
• Major life decisions are postponed, and the
  postponing leads to more ambiguity

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Ambiguous loss

• When someone we love is physically present but
  emotionally absent
• When someone we love is emotionally present but
  physically absent
• Pauline Boss (1999). Ambiguous Loss Learning
  to Live with Unresolved Grief

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Who is in the circle?
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Who is in the circle?
Parents Siblings Children Friends Grandparents Pet
s
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Clear losses - someone in the circle dies or
permanently leaves

• We no longer hold a place open in the circle for
  this person
• Dont turn to them for daily support
• Dont consult them on decisions
• Dont expect them to care for us
• Dont share with them at holidays
• Dont wait for them to return
• Dont build our future around them

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Who is in the circle?

• Prisoner of war? Kidnapped son?
• Divorced wife? Missionary?
• Inactive child? Ill
  parent?
• Estranged sibling? Addicted spouse?

Parents Siblings Children Friends Grandparents Pet
s
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Ambiguous losses

• We arent sure whether to hold a place open in
  the circle for this person
• Do we count on them for daily support?
• Should we consult them on decisions?
• Can we expect them to care for us?
• Do we rely on them at holidays?
• Do we wait for them to return?
• Do we wait to build our future with them?

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Ambiguous losses are hard

• Less societal support than for clear losses
• No rituals to mark endings
• Cant hold on, but cant completely let go
• Cant really grieve so cant really stop grieving
• Not okay to give up hope, but very difficult to
  keep hoping
• When do we decide to move on?

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Who is in the circle?

• If Im single past the expected time, where do I
  put my future spouse and children?

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Singlehood as ambiguous loss

• How long do we hold a place open in the circle
  for a future spouse
• Do we look for other sources of support?
• Do we keep decisions on hold?
• Who are we without them?
• How long do we wait for them?
• Do we wait to build a future with them?
• Wendy Ulrich and Christine Packard (2006).
  Un-marital status Hope and help for young
  single adults (AMCAP Convention, March 2006)

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Ambiguous losses are hard

• Less societal support than for clear losses
• No rituals to mark endings
• Cant completely let go
• Cant really grieve so cant stop grieving
• Not okay to give up hope, but very difficult to
  keep hoping
• When do we decide to move on?

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Elder John K. CarmackEnsign, March, 1989

• Attempting to give advice to those who are
  prepared for and desire to marry other than
  one-on-one in an interview situation is
  hazardous.
• Your own inspiration and intuition, as parts of
  a prayerful, temple-centered, service-oriented
  life, are probably more helpful than the
  well-meaning advice, criticism, and solutions
  offered by some who try to help you toward your
  goal of temple marriage.

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Coping may start with all of us accepting that
this is a real loss

• Young single adults who are struggling with their
  single status (and clearly not all are) are
  helped to know that we understand the sense of
  loss they may feel
• It can also help to know that ambiguous loss is
  part of all of our lives in some way
• We may not fully understand the loss they are
  experiencing, but we can understand something
  about ambiguous losses in general and can share
  how we cope

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Coping with the ambiguous loss of singlehood

• Focus on Christ the author and finisher of our
  faith
• Focus on developing and contributing from
  strengths rather than just overcoming weaknesses
• Focus on the present today is almost always
  manageable
• Focus on decisions what can I decide today to
  move forward the next step

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Coping with the ambiguous loss of singlehood

• Focus on beauty attend to what is good,
  uplifting, sweet about life
• Redefine success define myself by my abilities
  and character, not by marital status
• Look at what we have to gain, not just what we
  have to lose
• Uncertainly Single, Christine S. Packard
  and Wendy Ulrich, Ensign (in press, July,
  2008)

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Tolerance for ambiguity

• Two ends of a continuum
• Anxiety about uncertainty rushing to a
  decision, any decision, rather than sit with the
  anxiety of not knowing
• Anxiety about certainty postponing decisions to
  keep options open and leave room for something
  better to come along
• Knowing our predisposition may help us understand
  it, heal from experiences that reinforced it, and
  compensate for it

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We dont have to wait for marriage to grow up

• Fortifying personal identity
• Becoming an adult in our own eyes
• Doing the things married adults do in terms of
  the markers of adulthood
• That They May Grow Up in Thee Markers of
  Adulthood for Singles, Wendy Ulrich and
  Christine S. Packard, Ensign (in press)

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Markers of adulthood

• 1 - Acquiring an adult sense of mission
• What kinds of challenges or problems interest
  you?
• What groups or individuals would you like to
  serve?
• What daily lifestyle appeals to you?
• What strengths and interests are central to your
  identity?
• If you were guaranteed success, what would you do
  with your life?

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Markers of adulthood

• 2 - Establishing personal goals and routines
• Crucial for warding off depression
• Coach and empower
• Praise and encourage

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Markers of adulthood

• 3 - Managing physical self-care
• Nutrition
• Exercise
• Health checkups
• Sleep

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Markers of adulthood

• 4 - Increasing financial independence
• Earning our own income
• Living within our means
• Getting out of debt
• Saving
• Investing
• Planning for the future

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Markers of adulthood

• 5 - Creating a home
• Not living forever on leftovers
• Choosing what we love
• Creating order and
• beauty
• Saving for home
• ownership

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Markers of adulthood

• 6 - Shifting our sense of family
• Creating a circle of mutual care
• Siblings, friends, ward members, neighbors
• Vacations, holidays,
• nights out
• Someone to talk to
• every day

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Markers of adulthood

• 7 - Learning skills of emotional connection
• Making and responding to bids
• Working through conflicts
• Listening
• Sharing ourselves
• Deepening meaningful
• relationships

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Markers of adulthood

• 8 - Building a community
• Wards and neighborhoods
• Accepting callings
• Helping neighbors
• Cities and states
• Voting and being politically active
• Nations and peoples
• Contributing to solving world problems

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Markers of adulthood

• 9 - Supporting the next generation
• Mentoring new people at work, in ward
• Foster care, scouting, volunteering
• Contributing to profession
• Helping new converts

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Markers of adulthood

• 10 - Growing in spiritual responsibility
• Being Dani not Dani the single person
• Friend, meaningful assignment, nurtured in the
  good word of God
• Temple participation
• Disciples of Christ
• vs. children of God

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• It is often difficult to accept that we not only
  can be happy and single, but that it is not a
  self-betrayal to do so.

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that they may grow up in thee, and receive a
fullness of the Holy Ghost, and be organized
according to thy laws, and be prepared to obtain
every needful thing - Doctrine and Covenants
10915

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• We are watchers of a
  beacon whose light must never die

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• We are guardians of an altar midst the silence of
  the sky

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Wendy Ulrich, Ph.D. wulrich_at_rbl.net Sixteen
Stones Center for Growth, LLC sixteenstones.net