Resilience in Marriage

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Resilience in Marriage

• Resilience 101

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(No Transcript)
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Marriage and Crisis
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First

• Recognize the natural differences between men and
  women.

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Mens Brains Vs Womens Brains
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Sisters

• Key point
• Never attribute to malice
• What is better explained by stupidity

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For Example.
Roger and Elaine have been dating for 6 months.
It looks like its getting serious. One night, as
drive home from the movies, Elaine casually
comments

• "Roger, do you realize that, as of tonight, we've
  been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
• Elaine thinks Gee, I wonder if it bothers him
  that I said that. Maybe he's feeling obligated
• Elaine thinks Are we heading toward marriage?
  Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I
  ready for that level of commitment?
• He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm
  reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants
  more from our relationship but cant say it. He's
  afraid of being rejected.
• He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry,
  too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this,
• Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
  knight to come riding up on his white horseA
  person who is in pain because of my
  self-centered, school girl romantic fantasy.

• (Roger Is quiet)
• Roger thinks wow. Six months
• Roger thinks Hmmm. 6 months was right after I
  had the car at the dealer. That means...lemme
  check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for
  an oil change here.
• And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
  again. I don't care what those morons say, it's
  still not shifting right.
• They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
  warranty. Scumbags!
• Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
  warranty. I'll tear it up right in their face!

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Finally

• Elaine finally says Roger?
• Please don't torture yourself like this. Maybe I
  should never have...
• "I'm such a fool. I mean, I know there's no
  knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's
  no knight, and there's no horse
• "You think I'm a fool, don't you?
• "It's just that... it's that I... I need some
  time,"
• Long Pause.
• Ok, then. Thank you, Roger,
• That night, Elaine lies on her bed, a conflicted,
  tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.
• The next day Elaine will call three friends, sort
  endlessly through her last conversation with
  Roger and try desperately to understand where it
  all suddenly went wrong.

• Yes?
• What?
• "There's no horse?"
• No, of course not!
• Uh, Ok
• Roger is thinking Horse? where did the horse
  come from?
• Uh, youre welcome!
• Roger gets back to his place, turns on the TV and
  starts watching an old war movie.
• A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind
  tells him that something major was going on back
  in the car, but he has no idea what it was.
• The next day Roger will run into a mutual friend
  and casually ask By the way, do you know if
  Elaine ever had a horse?

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Second point

• Becoming One

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John 17The Great Intercessory Prayer

•  And now, O Father, glorify thou me with thine
  own self with the glory which I
  had with thee before the world was.
• I have manifested thy name unto the
  men which thou gavest me out of the world
  thine they were, and thou gavest them me
  and they have kept thy word.
• I pray for them for they are thine.
• Neither pray I for these alone, but for them
  also which shall believe on me through their word
  
• That they all may be one as thou,
  Father, art in me, and I in thee,
  that they also may be one in us

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Question

• The Lord wants us to be One
• One with Him (the At-one-ment)
• One with one another (Zion- One heart)
• Become One (in marriage)
• What prevents us from becoming One (with Him,
  with others, in marriage)?
• Answer it is the nature of our heart

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Orson Pratt

• "What are we to understand by two becoming one
  flesh? Does it mean that the male and female lose
  their identity as persons? By no means. Such a
  circumstance never happened in any age of the
  world. Does it mean that they become one merely
  in thoughts, affections, and minds?
• No it says they twain shall be one flesh mark
  the expression, 'one flesh,' not one mind."
• Celestial Marriage," The Seer, vol. 1, no. 6
  (June 1853) 90

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Living with a Fearful Heart (Natural Man)

• It has to be about me
• (because Im afraid its not)
• Can lead to Hardened heart
• Heart at war (Terry Warner)
• Victim mentality
• Sees other people as objects
• 1- (Rescuer)Help me get what I need
• 2- (Roadblock) Prevent me from getting what I
  need
• 3- They dont do either one- dont need them

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Shephards Heart

• I only want what You want
• Softened heart, changed heart
• Heart at peace (Terry Warner)
• See others as people with a full
  range of feelings and needs
• See them as we hope we are seen
• Focus on service, people
• Love not fixing

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Marital Dynamics
Me
My Spouse
When I Do
They Perceive
They Do
I Perceive
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Fearful heart, during a crisis
Evaluates Does this 1- Help Me? (Rescuer) 2-
Hurt Me? (Roadblock) 3- Does Neither?
Spouse says or does Something
Response 1- Encourage it 2- Attack it 3- Ignore
it
Spouse Response Depends on their heart
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The Dunkerat Miramar

• the instructors insisted that
  virtually anyone can be taught to get out
  of the Dunker.
• First, maintain your reference point.
• In the most chaotic situations, that means
  identifying and holding on to something that will
  will help you stay oriented
• Their second mantra is to wait for all the sudden
  and violent motion to stop
• Eventually, the chaos subsides, the tumult
  ceases, and its a lot easier to handle the
  situation.
• Ben Sherwood, The Survivors Club, p. 7

Question In chaotic and uncertain times, what
are the reference points you focus on until the
tumult ceases? What is your spouses reference
point?
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Quiz Why do we obey the commandments?
Bar of God Audit Form Applicant Kevin
Hinckley Good Stuff Bad
Stuff _____________
___________ _____________
___________ _____________
___________ _____________
___________ _____________
___________ _____________
___________ _______________________________
????? ??????

• 1- So that we can complete enough
  righteous merit badges to earn our
  Celestial Eagle Scout Award
• 2- Pile up enough heavenly reward
  points to offset our list of demerits
• 3- So that our hearts will be softened enough to
  receive the gifts of God (The Maat Principle)
• Such as
• The Gift of Faith
• The Gift of Hope
• The Gift of Charity
• The Gift of Love

Final Score So Sad! Hes just 5 Points short!
Send him to The Terrestrial Kingdom
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Words of a ProphetThe 10 year rule
President Hinckley So many of our people are
living on the very edge of their incomes. In
fact, some are living on borrowings. We have
witnessed in recent weeks wide and fearsome
swings in the markets of the world. The economy
is a fragile thing. A stumble in the economy in
Jakarta or Moscow can immediately affect the
entire world. It can eventually reach down to
each of us as individuals. There is a portent of
stormy weather ahead to which we had better give
heed. I urge you, brethren, to look to the
condition of your finances. I urge you to be
modest in your expenditures discipline
yourselves in your purchases to avoid debt to the
extent possible. (Oct 1998 Priesthood
Session)

• Statement
• 1950s (Pres. McKay)
• No other success
• 1978 (Pres. Kimball)
• Priesthood Declaration
• 1995 (President Hinckley)
• Declaration on the family
• 1998 (President Hinckley)
• Portent of stormy Weather

• 10 years later
• Family Decline in the 1960s
• Growth in Africa
• Gay Marriage
• Current Financial crisis

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Question

• What are we hearing, currently, from President
  Monson?

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President Monson

• Throughout our lives, we must deal with
  change. Some changes are welcome some
  are not. There are changes in our lives
  which are sudden, such as the unexpected
  passing of a loved one, an unforeseen
  illness, the loss of a possession we
  treasure. But most of the changes take place
  subtly and slowly.
• Day by day, minute by minute, second by second we
  went from where we were to where we are now. The
  lives of all of us, of course, go through similar
  alterations and changes. The difference between
  the changes in my life and the changes in yours
  is only in the details. Time never stands still
  it must steadily march on, and with the marching
  come the changes.
• This is our one and only chance at mortal
  lifehere and now. The longer we live, the
  greater is our realization that it is brief.
  Opportunities come, and then they are gone.
• I believe that among the greatest lessons we are
  to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are
  lessons that help us distinguish between what is
  important and what is not. I plead with you not
  to let those most important things pass you by as
  you plan for that illusive and non-existent
  future when you will have time to do all that you
  want to do. Instead, find joy in the journeynow.
  (Oct 2008 Priesthood Session)

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Elder Holland

• Sister Holland and I were married about
  the time both of us were reading poems
  like that in BYU classrooms. We were as
  starstruckand as fearfulas most of you
  are at these ages and stages of life. We had
  absolutely no money. Zero. For a variety of
  reasons, neither of our families was able to help
  finance our education. We had a small apartment
  just south of campusthe smallest we could find
  two rooms and a half bath. We were both working
  too many hours trying to stay afloat financially,
  but we had no other choice.
• I remember one fall dayI think it was in the
  first semester after our marriage in 1963we were
  walking together up the hill past the Maeser
  Building on the sidewalk that led between the
  Presidents Home and the Brimhall Building.
  Somewhere on that path we stopped and wondered
  what we had gotten ourselves into. Life that day
  seemed so overwhelming, and the undergraduate
  plus graduate years that we still anticipated
  before us seemed monumental, nearly
  insurmountable. Our love for each other and our
  commitment to the gospel were strong, but most of
  all the other temporal things around us seemed
  particularly ominous.
• On a spot that I could probably still mark for
  you today, I turned to Pat and said something
  like this Honey, should we give up? I can get a
  good job and carve out a good living for us. I
  can do some things. Ill be okay without a
  degree. Should we stop trying to tackle what
  right now seems so difficult to face?

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Elder Holland

• In my best reenactment of Lots wife, I
  said, in effect, Lets go back. Lets go
  home. The future holds nothing for us.
• Then my beloved little bride did what
  she has done for 45 years since then. She
  grabbed me by the lapels and said, We are not
  going back. We are not going home. The future
  holds everything for us.
• She stood there in the sunlight that day and gave
  me a real talk. I dont recall that she quoted
  Paul, but there was certainly plenty in her voice
  that said she was committed to setting aside all
  that was past in order to press toward the mark
  and seize the prize of God that lay yet ahead. It
  was a living demonstration of faith. It was the
  substance of things hoped for, the evidence of
  things not seen (Hebrews 111).
• So we laughed, kept walking, and finished up
  sharing a root beerone glass, two strawsat the
  then newly constructed Wilkinson Center.
• BYU Devotional, Remember Lots Wife 2009