Understanding the Love of Your Life

1
Welcome to the . . .
Marriage Enrichment Retreat
Trinity Retreat and Conference Center August
22-24, 2003
2
Session One
Introductions
3
Please tell us . . .

• Your names, where you were born, and where you
  live now.
• How long you have been married, and who makes up
  your family now.
• A funny experience the two of you had together.
• What you hope to take away from this weekend.
• And now, its time for The Oldly-Wed Game!!

4
Guys, what will your wife say . . .

• . . . is her favorite color?
• . . . is her LEAST favorite food?
• . . . was her favorite vacation?
• . . . was her WORST subject in school?
• . . . was the FIRST time she saw you sleeping?
• Write each answer on a separate sheet of paper.

5
And what will your husband say . . .

• . . . is his favorite sport?
• . . . is his LEAST favorite household chore?
• . . . is his favorite family member (besides
  you)?
• . . . is his WORST habit?
• . . . was the FIRST time you two kissed?
• Write each answer on a separate sheet of paper.

6
What we hope will NOT happen
7
What we hope WILL happen

• Couples will have fun.
• Couples will have some couple time away from
  usual responsibilities.
• Couples will understand themselves better, both
  as individuals and as a couple.
• Couples will meet and enjoy the company of other
  couples.

8
The general plan for the weekend

• Group sessions
• Friday, 730PM
• Saturday, 900AM, 130PM, 630PM
• Sunday, 900AM
• Fun stuff
• Friday, 900PM, The Story of Us
• Saturday, 800PM, Club Credo
• Games to break up the monotony.
• Lots of free time to walk, talk, explore.

9
Ground rules for sessions

• Please be on time.
• What we say here stays here.
• Participation is voluntary (but try it, you might
  like it!)
• Speak for yourself.
• Couples should agree about what they want to
  share concerning their relationship.
• Above all Dont embarrass your spouse!

10
The I hate everybody game

• A couple is it.
• It identifies a trait which at least ONE member
  of TWO couples have (e.g., husband of one couple,
  wife of another wear glasses) and says, I hate
  everybody EXCEPT people with glasses.
• Two couples have to get up and find new seats,
  it tries to take seats also. Couple left
  standing is it.
• If ONE partner in an identified couple FAILS to
  get up, that couple is automatically it.

11
Session Two

• Satisfactions and struggles

12
The facts are . . .

• People are happier, live longer, and are more
  productive when they are in healthy relationships
  with high levels of attachment, caring, and
  intimacy.
• Marriage is work. A good marriage is a LOT of
  work.
• Every marriage is unique, but most marriages are
  NOT as unique as we fear they might be.

13
Typical couple struggles

• Perennial issues.
• Life and other cycles.
• Differences between men and women.
• Personality issues.
• Values and commitments.

14
Perennial issues

• Sexual satisfaction
• Family and friends
• Leisure activities
• Role relationships
• Spiritual beliefs
• Source Life Innovations, Minneapolis, MN

• Realistic expectations
• Communication
• Conflict resolution
• Financial management
• Children and parenting

15
Couple activity

• Each partner take a sheet of paper and fold it
  lengthwise down the middle.
• In the left column, write each of the issues from
  the previous slide.
• In the right column, write a number between 0 and
  100, representing the percent of the time you
  think you and your mate agree about how to deal
  with events which relate to that issue. Do not
  show your mate until BOTH partners have finished.
• Compare results and discuss similarities/differenc
  es.

16
Scoring

• Most couples agree on perennial issues about half
  the time, some more, some less.
• Couples tend to agree most often on leisure
  activities and role relationships.
• Couples tend to agree least often on finances,
  children, and spiritual beliefs.

17
Group discussion

• What, if anything, about the Life Innovations
  survey results did NOT surprise you? What DID
  surprise you?
• What can marriage partners do in light of this
  information to address the typical problems of
  marriage?

18
Pictionary!

• Guys without using the name of the object (or
  any close synonyms), instruct your wife to draw a
  pair of pliers.

19
Pictionary!

• Gals without using the word that names it (or
  any close synonym), instruct your husband to draw
  a hair dryer.

20
Conflict resolution a dying art

• Connected to couple communication.
• Requires commitment to see a problem through.
• Requires skill in active listening and careful
  speaking so new conflicts are not created.
• NOT the same as concession (one side wins) or
  compromise (both sides lose).

21
Unfair fighting
22
Fighting fair

• Stay on the subject at hand.
• No global statements (Name-calling, You always,
  we never, etc.)
• Use I statements.
• Get reality checks.
• Take time out (at least an hour), commit to
  reschedule when one or both partners is really
  angry.
• Deal with upstream issues (anger, etc.)
• Get professional help when stuck.
• Constructive conflict is not easy, but can be
  learned.

23
Couple activity

• Choose a topic for discussion which is LOW RISK
  (I.e., does not involve blame), but still
  controversial, such as my dream date or my
  dream vacation.
• Use the active listening technique to discuss
  it.

24
Cycles of marriage

• Adjustment cycle six months one year.
• Readjustment cycle every three years.
• Ages and stages newlywed young married parents
  of preschoolers, school-age children, teenagers
  empty-nesters retirees independent/dependent
  senior adults.

25
Banana race

• Guys get on their knees, hands behind their
  backs.
• No talking is permitted.
• Blindfolded gals must feed a banana to their
  husbands. The only usable hand is the one
  holding the banana.
• Fastest couple gets . . . nothing!

26
Session Three

• Male and female, God made them . . .
• (What the heck was He thinking?!)

27
Approaches to gender differences

• Were basically the same, we just have different
  priorities Willard F. Harley, His Needs, Her
  Needs.
• Were fundamentally different John Gray, Men are
  from Mars, Women are from Venus.

28
Couple activity

• Separately, list the following human needs in
  order of their importance TO YOU (with 1 being
  the most important and 10 the least) Family
  commitment, admiration, financial support,
  domestic support, honesty and openness, physical
  attractiveness, conversation, recreational
  companionship, sexual fulfillment, affection.
• Compare lists, discuss similarities and
  differences.

29
Harleys survey results

• Womens Top 5
• Affection
• Conversation
• Honesty and openness
• Financial support
• Family commitment

• Mens Top 5
• Sexual fulfillment
• Recreational companionship
• Physical attractiveness
• Domestic support
• Admiration

30
Group discussion

• What, if anything, about Harleys survey results
  did NOT surprise you? What DID surprise you?
• What can marriage partners do in light of this
  information to meet each others needs?
• (Most people are surprised that physical
  attractiveness qualifies as a need on anyones
  list. Discuss what might fall under the category
  of attractiveness and what taking care of
  oneself might mean to a partner.)
• Harley claims that couples in which partners
  strive to meet each others needs are less likely
  to experience infidelity. Do you agree or
  disagree? Why?

31
Toilet paper race

• Husbands starting at the feet, wrap your beloved
  in toilet paper all the way to the top of her
  head.
• Wrap each leg separately.

32
Mars and Venus

• 1 or 2 best-seller in the US for five straight
  years.
• Translated into 42 languages.
• Largest selling non-fiction book of the 90s.
• 1 in sales of board games.

33
Mythological metaphors

• Mars god of war. Mens interests objects and
  objectives.
• Venus goddess of love. Womens interests
  people and feelings.

34
Dealing with problems

• Men prefer to solve problems alone, or to forget
  them by isolating themselves.
• Women prefer to solve problems collectively, or
  to lighten them by sharing them.

35
What we want from each other

• Men want to be admired for their accomplishments.
  They want people in their lives to see them and
  judge them favorably.
• Women want to be respected for the manner in
  which they do what they do. They want people in
  their lives to listen to them without judging at
  all.

36
What we DONT want

• Women do NOT want men to FIX their problems,
  MINIMIZE their problems, or TAKE THEM PERSONALLY.
• Men do NOT want their caves invaded, and do NOT
  want women to OVERLOOK what they do RIGHT while
  correcting what they do WRONG.

37
Summary

• Men and women are different.
• Different is not bad.
• We can learn to appreciate each other and look
  out for each others interests, but . . .
• . . . change can be expected to be slow and
  incremental.

38
Two handed wrapping race

• Using the construction paper in your folder, wrap
  the box of macaroni and cheese as if it were a
  gift.
• Husbands and wives contribute ONE HAND EACH to
  the process.

39
Session Four

• Understanding the
  Love of your
  life

40
Understanding involves

• Understanding ourselves
• Understanding and relating to our mates
• Increasing our versatility with our mates

41
Personality types

• Myers-Briggs 4 scales, 16 different types.
  Focus on how individuals of different types
  interact.
• Kiersey Type Sorter a quick-n-dirty MBTI.
  Focus on how types interact in groups, esp. the
  workplace.
• The DISC system Focus on how different types
  relate within couples.

42
For our purposes

• Complete the type-sorter.
• Discuss the strengths/weaknesses of the four
  types.
• Discuss how types complement and clash.
• Look at strategies for getting along.

43
Understanding ourselves

• The first step in Understanding the Love of Your
  Life is understanding ourselves.
• We bring unique strengths to our marriages.
• We also bring weaknesses.

44
A weakness is a strength that is
carried too far!
45
The challenge understanding our mates

• 1. People are different our spouses are no
  exceptions.
• 2. Different is not wrong or bad.
• 3. We will never fully understand our mates
  until we accept them accepting precedes
  understanding.

46
Type-ical differences

• Basic motivation
• Best environment
• What we accept/reject
• Major strengths
• Major weaknesses
• Behavior under tension

• Value to the team
• Using time
• Communication
• Emotional response
• Decision making
• Social needs

47
Individual activity

• Take the Personal Style Survey on pages 6 and 7
  of the workbook.
• First, circle the word in each line on page 6
  that you think best describes you.
• Then, transfer the results to the scoring sheet
  on page 7. Circle the letter corresponding to
  the column on page 6 where your word is
  circled.
• Finally, count the number of circled letters in
  each column, and write that number at the bottom
  of the column.

48
Four dimensions of behavior
Purpose
D Dominance
C Conscientiousness
Respond
Initiate
I Influence
S Steadiness
People
49
High D

• BASIC MOTIVATION
• Results
• Challenge
• BEST ENVIRONMENT
• Continual challenges
• Freedom to act
• Variety
• ACCEPTS/REJECTS
• Accepts the difficult
• Rejects inaction

• MAJOR STRENGTHS
• gt WEAKNESSES
• Task focus gt insensitivity
  
• Decisiveness gt impatience, impetuousness
• Persistence gt inflexibility
• BEHAVIOR UNDER TENSION
• Autocratic
• WOULD BENEFIT FROM
• Listening

50
Relating to a High D mate
51
High I

• MAJOR STRENGTHS
• gt WEAKNESSES
• Optimism gt over-selling
• Personableness gt manipulation
• Enthusiasm gt lack of follow through
• BEHAVIOR UNDER TENSION
• Attacks
• WOULD BENEFIT FROM
• Pausing

• BASIC MOTIVATION
• Recognition
• Approval
• BEST ENVIRONMENT
• Friendly atmosphere
• Freedom from control and detail
• Opportunity to influence others
• ACCEPTS/REJECTS
• Accepts involvement with others
• Rejects isolation

52
Relating to a High I mate
53
High S

• BASIC MOTIVATION
• Relationships
• Appreciation
• BEST ENVIRONMENT
• Requires specialization
• Opportunity to work with a group
• Consistent and predictable
• ACCEPTS/REJECTS
• Accepts friendship
• Rejects conflict

• MAJOR STRENGTHS
• gt WEAKNESSES
• Support gt conformity
• Agreeableness gt hesitancy
• Loyalty gt missed opportunities
• BEHAVIOR UNDER TENSION
• Acquiesces
• WOULD BENEFIT FROM
• Initiating

54
Relating to a High S mate
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High C

• BASIC MOTIVATION
• Right
• Quality
• BEST ENVIRONMENT
• Clearly defined
• Requires precision
• Provides reassurance
• ACCEPTS/REJECTS
• Accepts methods
• Rejects poor quality

• MAJOR STRENGTHS
• gt WEAKNESSES
• Order gt nit-picking
• Thoroughness gt too much
• detail
• Analytical focus gt excessive
• caution
• BEHAVIOR UNDER TENSION
• Avoids
• WOULD BENEFIT FROM
• Declaring

56
Relating to a High C mate
57
Couple activity

• Discuss the personalities you bring to your
  marriage. Each partner should focus on the
  strengths of the other and state what s/he
  appreciates about his/her partners strengths.
• Discuss ways in which your personalities
  complement each other.

58
Achieving versatility

• View mates in terms of strengths, not weaknesses.
• Become champions of mates strengths.
• Be available to complement mates weaknesses with
  our strengths.

59
Session Five

• Goals and values

60
A point of definition

• Values the things we really want
• Goals objectives that help us realize our
  values
• Example financial security is a value, home
  ownership is a goal which might bring that value
  closer.

61
Sources of values

• Personality
• Personal history
• Socialization
• Spirituality
• Both individuals and couples can hold values
  which complement or are in conflict with other
  values.

62
Couple activity

• Individually, develop a list of five important
  goals you would like to accomplish together with
  your mate in each of the following time periods
  one year, five years, ten years.
• Together, develop a prioritized list of three
  goals in each interval.
• Identify and discuss the values behind your
  goals. What values do you share? Where are your
  values different?

63
Spiritual values

• Psychology Today study successfully married
  couples rate Our marriage is a sacred
  commitment as top contributor to success.
• Creighton University study observant couples
  happier and more successful in marriage than
  non-observant couples.

64
Spirituality and religion

• Spiritualitythe sense of the sacredis natural.
  Religion is an effort to respond to spirituality,
  usually in a community setting.
• Negatives religions never live up to ideals,
  sometimes wound and exploit members.
• Positives mentors, role models, opportunities
  for learning and service.

65
Religion and social class

• Sources
• Tex Sample, sociologist (Hard-Living People and
  Mainstream Christians).
• Ruby Payne, educator (A Framework for
  Understanding Poverty).

66
Chubby bunny

• The goal of Chubby Bunny is to see how many
  marshmallows a man can cram into his mouth while
  STILL being able to say, Im a chubby bunny.
• Wives every time you add a marshmallow to your
  husbands mouth, verify that he can still say,
  Im a chubby bunny.
• Plastic bags are for when youre done . . .
  whether or not the end is PLANNED!