Authentic Parenting Becoming a Love and Logic Parent

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Authentic ParentingBecoming a Love and Logic
Parent

• Todd Jeffrey
• Oregon Association for Talented and Gifted

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Two rules of Love and Logic

• Rule 1
• Adults set firm limits in loving ways without
  anger, lectures or threats.
• Rule 2
• When a child causes a problem the adult hands it
  back in loving ways.

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Helicopter and Drill Sergeants

• Helicopters send the message
• -You are fragile.
• -You need me to run interference.
• -You need me to protect you.
• - You cant make it without me.
• Drill Sergeants send the message
• -You cant think.
• -If have to do your thinking for you, boss you
  around, tell you what to do.
• -You arent capable of making it in life.

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Self EfficacyThe belief in our abilities to deal
with problems

• It influences our
• Choices
• Effort
• How long we persist when facing obstacles
• How we fell

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Guiding Children to Solve Their Own Problems

1. Have empathy
2. Send the Power Message
3. Offer choices
4. Have the child state the consequences
5. Give permission for the child to either solve the
   problem or not solve the problem
6. Metacognition

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Empathy
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Benefits of consequences with empathy

• 1. Child is not distracted by the adults anger.
• 2. Child must own his or her pain rather than
  blaming it on the adult.
• 3. Child less likely to seek revenge.
• 4. Child learns through modeling to use empathy
  with others.
• 5. It feels right.

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How to Destroy the Teaching Value of a Logical
Consequence

• 1. Say, This will teach you a good lesson.
• 2. Display anger or disgust
• 3. Explain the value of the consequence.
• 4. Threaten
• 5. Talk too much
• 6. Feel sorry and give in

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ChoicesThey allow us to share control and have
child practice decision making
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Meaningfulness

• The whole process of education should thus be
  conceived as the process of learning to think
  through the solutions of real problems.

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Our Key Phrases

• Would you ratheror.
• Feel free to or.
• You can either.or.

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Enforceable Statements OrGetting Kids to
Follow Along (To do what you want them to do)
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Design an enforceable statement/choice

• Dont talk to me in that tone of voice!
• Be nice to each other. Quit fighting!
• Go to your room!

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How to neutralize arguing
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Our Key Phrases

• I know
• I love you too much to argue
• Nice try

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Level 1

• Thats not fair.
• Thats stupid
• But dad lets me..
• But everyone else gets to

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Level 2

• You dont love me

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Level 3

• I hate you

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Level 4

• Im running away..

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Level 5

• Mom, Dad, Ive learned my lesson. Im sorry. I
  will never do it again.

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Sabotage

• Jefferys mom complained to her Love and Logic
  facilitator, Nothing works with that child. Ive
  tried everything you taught me, but he just
  doesnt care. He just keeps interrupting me while
  Im on the phone! I used the Energy Drain
  technique, but it didnt work either!
• Her skillful Love and Logic facilitator asked an
  insightful question Were you angry when you
  used the technique?
• Well, of course I was. He makes me so mad. I
  told him that he was getting on my last nerve,
  and that I was sick and tired of his attitude,
  and that if he kept it up I was going to have
  some major energy drains, and that hed better
  start showing a little respect around here.
• So there you have it. Mom sabotaged her
  discipline attempt with the two things that will
  ruin any attempt to use Love and Logic.
• She used anger instead of empathy.She used far
  too many words.
• All she needed to say was, How sad. Your actions
  caused me an energy drain. You can put that
  energy back by raking the yard. Thank you.

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Messages
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Jeffrey HouseI Believe. 

• I can handle it.
• I am the master of my own fate
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• I can figure out solutions to my problems
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• I am not alone
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• People care about me
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• I make a difference in the world!
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• http//www.authenticteaching.com